Raising Kaine

Moving on...

2011-11-04T00:31:00.000-04:00

     So, we just decided tonight that we may...possibly...might be...moving. Again. I know, I know. But, really we need more space. This space would be fine and all...but...well...there is literally one "common" closet (the other three are in bedrooms (and they aren't walk in's if you get my drift). The kitchen is insanely small and doubles as a laundry room, i.e, it is VERY cluttered and hardly ever clean. Plus! No pantry. None. BIG DEAL! BIG! (Think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when you read that!)
     Also, our neighbors are dirty. I mean, they have a growing pile of trash on a chair (think: like the ones you find at Goodwill that are short and weirdly upholstered, that has been there since we moved in- probably longer) that I can see from my kitchen/laundry window. Not to mention, my backyard, that isn't usable because of said trash pile and other unmentionables I found back there when, around this time last year, I was trying to clean it out! Ugh. Not to mention that there are like 7 people living in a space meant for MAYBE 3. And one of them is in a wheelchair, you do the math on that one. Except, and I wish the horrors stopped there, but the smell is unbelievable! Think: Never. Been. Cleaned. EVER. I know, gross. Get why we need to move now?
     I really, really don't want to move though. I love the area we are in. The other neighbors are awesome. Our landlord leaves us alone and pretty much lets us do whatever we want (I have seriously planted and redone the front lawn and it looks awesome!). Kaine also has friends here. Plus, I don't want to put that boy through yet ANOTHER move. (If you are counting, since he has been born this would make 3 and he is only 3 and a half.) Big parental fail. But, it would be for his benefit because we need more space. Maybe the next place will stick? Who knows. So, the search is on. Here goes nothing.

It's Halloween Season!

2011-10-17T10:45:00.000-04:00

I have been super busy lately. Which has been a blessing (not having to focus on "baby" stuff anymore!). But, I am also starting to feel ill. Hope it goes away quickly. Anyway...
I have just finished Kaine's Angry Bird costume. I didn't want to spend $60 for the retail version. Not to mention that they are made so cheaply (which makes me even angrier about the price tag!) so, I made my own. I got a Simplicity pattern for around $10 at Joanne's. It was for a chicken costume (and another costume that is a pumpkin- SO CUTE). So, I figured I could turn the chicken costume into a red Angry Bird. So, I did. It came out amazing!! I am so thrilled by it, that I am planning on entering a Halloween costume contest too. I just love it to death. Plus, when Kaine put it on, he immediately started to act like he was a Angry Bird, with awesome sound effects too. We took him outside so I could get a good picture by our pumpkins. He started to "flap" his wings. It was really, really cute! He loves it. I am so happy about the whole thing.
Also, I am making Matt's Cher costume too. I am not so thrilled about this one. I kinda messed up on the shirt so, now I am trying to fix my mistakes without making it look too crappy (or having to eat the cost and just go out and make/or find something that will work). :( So, we will see about how this comes out. But, it entails a "fringe" or "tassel" like shirt (complete with beads!). Made out of white pleather. Can you just imagine? LOL. I also ordered a Cher wig from Amazon.com. It is hilariously long. I want to get some bright red lipstick, some make-up/paint (think foundation), stick on nails and of course (!) some fake eye lashes. Don't you wish you were coming to our Halloween party?? Haha!
We are both going to wear jeans made into bell-bottoms. I found a really good tutorial online that shows how to easily transform a pair of regular jeans into bell-bottoms. Which is nice because then you know the jeans are going to fit and then, possibly, you could just take them apart again and have your regular jeans back again (that is, if I feel like putting them back together, lol).
I am going to be Sonny, of course. I just bought a really expensive wig and mustache combo. I was trying to avoid this but, could not find a good alternative at a party store (the three that I went to, by-the-way). Then I am going to be wearing a tie-dye shirt that I got at the party store. And some "rose colored" glasses. It is going to be hilarious. So, hilarity will ensue.

Provisions of Faith

2011-10-02T12:43:00.000-04:00

I feel encouragement. I feel hope. Well, maybe not fully. But, I am trying. I know that there is now a reason for so many things to have happened in my life. (This, I have always suspected.) God does have a plan. I now know that I wasn't suppose to get pregnant. God was trying to tell me this whole time that I had something wrong with me. He does know that there are things that affect us, even if we can't see them ourselves. This is not going to be an easy journey. I am at the beginning of a long and tedious battle. I don't even know yet what I am facing, in fact. I just know it isn't going to be an easy one.
Now, I know I am being dramatic. It is part of who I am (most can't handle it). But, we are all selfish beings whose problems are amplified because it is the only thing we truly experience on our own. If we can somehow step outside of ourselves, we may be able to overcome (with God's divine help). It is precisely this power that has me so calm. I feel like I should be freaking out. Especially faced with the possibilities of what might be coming (more later). I just don't have it. I am in a pure "wait and see" type of feeling. A "peace that passes all understanding", I assume. It can only be from God. It is so unnatural that that is the only place it has to be from. I have to say, it is nice. In the face of hard times to have such a calm is comforting, uplifting and encouraging. A sort of "hope floats" type of thing, if you will. God is great and will provide.
Peace and understanding and love. That is what you need when you feel like you are about to fall off the face of the earth. God provides. He does, if you are willing to lay yourself aside and trust Him. That is the only condition and, although it isn't easy to do, the pay-off is worth it. You get so much more back. More than you could ever imagine. More than I could ever describe. God's love is all encompassing. God provides. God provides.

That's that.

2011-09-22T02:35:00.000-04:00

****TMI WARNING****

I took a pregnancy test this evening and it was negative. Still bleeding. Haven't passed any tissue, as of yet. Small to dime sized clots, followed by some dark red blood flow. Minor (seriously minor) cramps, off and on. I guess we are in for a drawn out loss. Not happy. Not sure where we are going to go from here. Don't really want to do anything. A bit angry. Mostly numb. Not really feeling anything. Matt's not taking it well but, trying to hide it. Gotta love a man that will protect you, no matter what.

Uh oh...

2011-09-20T17:03:00.000-04:00

Started bleeding yesterday (now 9 weeks). Not that bad. Once I get off my feet it seems to stop or slow down. Started out red and (mostly with clots. thought I was just passing a clot). Now it is dark and only there when I wipe. I know my body is going through the corpus lutem to placenta change, and I hope this has something to do with it. Also, that a uterine growth spurt is suppose to be happening about this time (which, in some women, apparently, can cause bleeding). So, I am hoping that this is all it is. Also, maybe it has something to do with low lying placenta? or placenta implantation? Many options. Most of what I have heard and read has said "don't worry, it is normal" and "as long as you aren't bleeding enough to need a pad, don't worry". I can say, at least, that last time I needed a pad within hours of the bleeding starting. Also, I have a personal friend that significant bleeding (due to blood -think "old blood"- being trapped between her uterus and the babies amniotic sac.) She now has a healthy 6th month old with NO problems. The bleeding also resolved it self after about 3 weeks. She was on bed rest at first and then they said, light activity. So...yeah.
The biggest thing is, that it isn't getting worse (last time it did). It is also getting darker which, as far a bleeding goes, is a "good sign". So...IDK, just freaking out a little. I guess not being past 10 weeks (that's when the miscarriage happened last April) is making me nervous. I am trying not to worry, especially since no one else seems to be worried about it. Except Matt and I.

Eight Weeks and 9/11

2011-09-12T17:37:00.000-04:00

     Saturday was eight weeks. I'm late at posting, Saturdays aren't really good days for me to get on here. We are usually out doing stuff. Anyway...
     The pregnancy so far is going awesome. I am already in maternity clothes because my other pants just "aren't comfortable". I can still button my regular pants and wear them however, when I sit there is this uncomfortable pressure. We also discovered yesterday that I have a "baby bump". Nothing really big enough to write home about and you can't tell that I am pregnant (unless you actually know that I am wearing maternity clothes).
     My symptoms have eased up this week too. I am still really thirsty (I suspect because it is still really hot). I'm not nauseous and I am super hungry. My boobs are still sensitive but, they are getting better (or I am just getting more and more used to it). My nose is really sensitive. I think the biggest thing about this week is that it has really hit me that I am pregnant! The excitement is beginning to really come out! I actually want to tell people but, I haven't and I know that that is the best decision, for now.
     Weepiness is crazy too. Especially yesterday being the tenth anniversary of 9/11. We watched "102 Minutes that Changed America" on History last night. It was commercial free and it felt as if it was happening right then. It was footage that people in New York were taking from their windows and the street. It contained shots that the news cameras didn't even get. It was a bit intense but, it was appropriate for the occasion and I would recommend it to anyone who would really want to "re-live" the day (not that you would want to). It was really well done though, you should check it out.
Also, I really want to go and see the memorial that was unveiled, it came out amazing! Two fountains that have a void that the water is trying to wash away. There is also a museum too. Amazing!

Crafting

2011-09-06T23:39:00.001-04:00

     My sewing room/bedroom has been taken over lately. Not just by me either. Matt and I have both laid claim to the craft table, as of late. His for making arrows, or fixing them and painting them with cool designs. Mine for making Kaine an Angry Bird costume for Halloween and planning a Halloween/Birthday Party (for Jordan) for this coming October.
   The Angry Bird costume is going to be awesome! And, as a total bonus, I just discovered (or, I should say, my husband just discovered) that the Wal-Mart right around the corner has fabric! Apparently, they are bringing it back. Which will be really nice, especially since their sales are awesome! Anyway, about the costume, I am using a Simplicity "learn to sew" pattern #2070. I am actually using the one that looks like a bird but altering it (the applique) to look like the face and belly of the red Angry Bird (which Kaine has named "Cross" (as in, "his face is cross looking". I don't know where he learned that word). But, I am not using the hood/hat because Angry Bird faces/bodies are really all one big thing (plus, is is way, way to hot to wear a fleece hat in Florida). It comes with long sleeves that are lose and "chicken feet/legs" (because it is supposed to be a chicken) but, I am shortening the sleeves to above the elbow and debating on the legs (Angry Birds don't have legs, they just sort of hop around when, of course, they aren't being shot from a sling shot). So, I don't know. I personally think the legs will add cuteness, Matt insists that he not have legs to be more like the original. What-to-do, what-to-do?
   The Halloween party is going to be really fun to. I am in charge of the decorations and Mom is doing the food (but she keeps wanting to buy things for the tables - occupational hazard, lol). We are doing a "black and orange" theme (mostly pumpkins, some cats and bats). It is completely, "not to scarey" and we are not (!) going to let people come in bloody/dead/scarey costumes. It would be inappropriate and we want to leave that side of Halloween out of it! But, it is going to be fun!
     Speaking of costumes, Matt and I are going to go as "Sonny and Cher" but in drag. It is going to be hilarious! Mom wants George to dress up as "Mrs. Doubtfire", which, in my opinion, would be even more hilarious!! I hope she actually gets him to do it. But, then I don't know what she would be. We are going to have a "best costume" contest, along with other games. George would be a dead ringer for winner if he came dressed like that! Ha-ha!
     I am currently planning all the decorations. I have started this early because I like to make a lot of things that I will be using. Gives my creative outlet something fun to do. It also makes the party a "one of a kind" deal instead of some "cookie cutter/prepackaged" gig. I just want to give it that something extra. Not to mention, I get to keep awesome decor for my own house for the future! So, Martha Stewart and I are planning on having one great looking clubhouse! (By the way, if you have never been to the Martha Stewart website, it is totally worth it! Not only does she have tons of ideas but, she tells you how to create most or all of them - even the ones that she sells prepackaged at craft stores! You can get the same style for way cheaper!) So, as I am sure you know, you will be hearing about crafting for weeks now, lol!

Seven Weeks

2011-09-04T11:29:00.000-04:00

     I was officially seven weeks yesterday. I still have not told anyone (except both of my sisters, because we were in a competition to see who could lose the most weight and were telling each other every week how much we had lost. Couldn't very well keep up with that now could I?). I had an unexpected stay over with my mom last week (out of pure exhaustion and a great opportunity to buy school clothes) and she, or course, said, "I feel like you have to tell me something. Is there anything that you want to tell me?" When I said, "No." (because, at this time, I do not want to tell her). She said, "I think you might be pregnant." Which sort of surprised me but, not really. She, after-all was the one to tell me insist really that I was pregnant with Kaine before the tests revealed anything (and believe me, I had taken plenty!). However, I didn't confirm anything and will let her think what she wants for some time. No pressure, remember?
     So, I have been feeling extremely tired lately. I really don't remember it being this bad. Yesterday I swear I spent all day in bed. I have been nauseous too. But, I did have that last time and thank goodness, I rarely seem to actually get sick. Morning sickness doesn't seem to last after the first trimester for me either. Which is a major blessing. My breasts have also been reacting to this pregnancy. I am SO thankful that it is no where near the pain level that I felt last time (thought I had lymphoma, I was in so much pain! No, seriously!). I have also had some abdominal pressure (in the beginning weeks). Sleep is uncomfortable, I just can't seem to get the right position. My body also aches, which I read is very common (I guess with all the different hormones and ligaments softening and just plain changes that I am going through, there is bound to be some growing pains). Hunger was strong at first (probably because I was still following a diet) but now I have to force myself to eat (I am not hungry, at all). I also have a strong milk aversion, which is weird (never had that before). So, those are the symptoms, thus far.
     I feel like this pregnancy is wonderful and God sent. That nothing will happen because God's hand is on it. I also have peace, that if something were to happen, it is all part of the bigger plan to bring me closer to God. I am going to use this pregnancy as a faith builder. I am going to focus on the positives and let everything else be in God's hands. There are still things I am working on, that God is currently leading me to and through. I have faith that He is with me every step of the way. I have faith that this path is His path and I am not being led astray. All things work to the glory of God.

Home School

2011-09-02T19:35:00.000-04:00

     Hello. I know my blog jumps around a lot. However, that is how life is so, I just tell you like it is, I guess. Anyway. Kaine is starting another year of preschool and First United Methodist, downtown. I really love their program and wish that they had more than a 2, 3 and 4 year old class. But, I know that some people are just called to do that age group.
      Anyway, I have been thinking a lot lately about the future. In terms of, "what are we going to do for Kindergarten?", "What about middle and high school?". I would really like to send him to St. Patrick's Interparish School (that has a ranking in the top 10% in the nation!) but, we can't afford $800 a month. We aren't Catholic, so we can't get the Catholic discount. We also can't get the scholarship because you have to go through your church. And, as much as I hate to say this, we haven't decided on a church home yet. So, what to do?
   I have played, off-and-on, with the idea of home school. First I hated the idea (almost as much as I hate the idea of public education). Public school is completely NOT an option. Private school is a wonderful option, until I couldn't figure out a feasible way to pay for it. So, what is left? Let my child go to public school and hope for the best? Or, figure out an at-home program that will work for us?
   When I asked Kaine what he would like to do (and I weighted the question in favor of school) he said, "I want to go to school with you!" So, I guess we have an answer to that question. I went on a search for Christian based home school (because, in my opinion, not teaching your child in the Faith is unacceptable, being a believer and all).
   The only problem with finding a good program? There are literally millions of programs out there. I was instantly overwhelmed with the choices. I wanted something that was challenging, college prep, Christian based (as number one), and at a good pace (as in, can keep up with everyone else and stay on the same level or one step ahead). I didn't realize there were so many types of home schools either. Did I want to "unschool" (which seems like a very unrealistic option-with no structure), have a rigorous hyper scheduled program (which is the opposite of the previous option and may be no good), did I want to make my own program or buy someone else's and everything to consider that runs in-between these options.
     Okay, so I made a mental list of the options that appealed to me. I wanted structure, planned out lessons that were competitive and above par, college prep would be nice, a religious course that would actually teach you the principles of the Faith, a proven curriculum, a challenging literature program, the option of flexibility, subjects that were on par or superior to what is being taught in "traditional" schools, option of dual enrollment (when he is older), option of college credit and standardized tests (this is a hot button topic for most home-schoolers, I am finding out but, I do believe in testing- just not teaching a test). At first, I thought I was going to have to compromise or combine different elements of many programs together (which, just sounds like a nightmare!). But, God is good and faithful and led us to a wonderful program.
     After doing a ton of research (that still needs to be done regarding school laws and such) we have decided on Koble Academy. You can go to the link and see what I mean about their standards, if you would like. It is Catholic based but, I really like how they base the year on the liturgical calendar and teach kids about the structure of the Church (being Episcopalian, it is very similar- and apparently Episcopalians aren't that big into doing home school? Don't know what that is about??) Their standards are above what I thought I would be able to find. So much so, that if we continue with the whole program Kaine will be reading well into college level by the end of high school. It was also just updated (last year) and the people they have on staff each have multiple degrees in education based fields. I am very impressed, to say the least. I also loved that there are sample lesson plans on their site, so I can see what we are really getting into. The total cost for Kindergarten is a plus too: $555.50, including registration fees, for the whole year! It does get increasingly more expensive but, it is no where near what you would be paying for private school anywhere else. It is a good option for us.

I have DIVINE news!

2011-08-29T16:18:00.000-04:00

Have you guessed what it might be? Well...have you?? hehe.

Yesterday was Matt's birthday. I wanted to wait and test (you know what I mean!) until this day. I really felt lead to wait. So, I waited. But, instead of testing, I went into the bathroom (the most private place in the whole house!) and took a Bible with me. I have, I don't know if I have ever mentioned this before, a connection with God through asking questions and being able to open right up to the passage/verse that I need. (If that didn't make any sense, it hopefully will soon.) So, I went into the bathroom and asked God for a sign. I opened the Bible, and lo and behold (!) the very first verse I read said this (unfortunately, I didn't write down the reference!):

"Let this be a sign unto you"

How awesome, incredible and totally divine is that!!?? I knew God wouldn't let me down! Also, Matt got the birthday wish that he wanted granted. When I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he said, jokingly, "Make me a baby!" lol. Well, God knows (and perhaps has a greater sense of humor than I already thought) the desires of our hearts. He is faithful and deserves ALL the glory!

We also got our speculum in, that I mentioned that I ordered in one of my lasts posts. Matt and I checked last night, out of pure curiosity (not lack of faith in God's Word) to see what Chadwick's sign looks like. We got a definite positive Chadwick sign. It looked just like all of the pictures I have ever seen of it. Plus, it was cool, which, I suspect, was the whole reason we wanted to look in the first place. (Did I mention that such things DO NOT gross out my husband? Well, they don't. Which, I am so grateful to say, is one of the things that makes us work so well!)

So, according to my calculations we are 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant! I am currently having:

Mood swings
Restless leg syndrom
Hunger
Engulfing sleepiness (except at night)
Insomnia
Stomach/Intestinal issues
Nausea
Sore/Tender Breasts
Plate-like areolas
Lower back/body aches
Missed period
Sensitivity to smells
And all that was mentioned before
High, softer, closed cervix
Clear fluid discharge

We are "due" April 21, 2012. Although the average pregnancy lasts 265 days from conception which really puts us closer to April 11-12, 2012. But, we are going to tell everyone mid May and keep the date to ourselves. I don't want people pestering me. (Aren't you guys lucky!?)
Also, speaking of people pestering me; we aren't planning on telling anyone about our pregnancy until about five months or so. I am a bit larger, body wise, so I don't think this should be a problem. And, of course, just in case something happens (which I have a peace about, regarding that this one is good and viable!) we don't want people getting their hopes up or making a bigger deal (or not such a big deal-which is worse) out of our loss. People were really bad about pestering me last time. I was REALLY stressed out and I didn't enjoy any of that short-lived pregnancy. So, in keeping with harmony and peace, no one will know until Christmas or around/past the New Year.

*Oh also, Kaine starts school next Wednesday. Meet the teacher is on Friday. And! It has taken me triple the time to type this because Kaine pulled off the "I" button on our laptop and we can't find it anywhere. It is really annoying! More on all of this later. *Blessings!

Maybe. Maybe not?

2011-08-24T23:08:00.000-04:00

Okay, I don't want to sound like I am crying wolf or anything but, something is going on, ahem, down there. I'm not really sure what, to tell you the truth. All I know is, I have been sans period since July 26th. Which is awesome for me! I should have had a period some time this week (from last Wednesday to today). Nothing has showed up. I had some cramping earlier in my cycle (which was weird) but, nothing else. I didn't go through the "dry spell" after ovulation (this I am supposing happened around the 30th or so (I got a slight positive on the OPK that Tuesday-so I tested after it had passed). So, if we are pregnant that would be awesome!
I did read on an OB textbook site that the best time to test is around 40 days past ovulation (dpo). So, because I haven't gotten either a positive prego test or a period, I am going to wait and see which happens first. I have to say, I am definitely taking it better this time around. I haven't gotten my hopes up. I have, very much, taken a "well, there are a lot of things that can be affecting this" attitude. I am really just waiting and seeing if things get stronger. I haven't had and "definite" signs, just supposed ones. Also, I just ordered a speculum so I can get a better feel for my cervical changes. (I am a visual learner, mostly. Having a more "hands on" and "eyes on" approach, if you will excuse the phrase, will help me.) Day 40 will be September 7th. But, as before, I am also going to wait and see if I miss two periods. That is a dead ringer clue for me. I NEVER EVER miss two in a row. The last time I did, Kaine was on board. So, here is to hoping for a positive test. If not, there is always next month, or the months after that, lol.

My symptoms (most of which also happen before AF arrives)*:
Sore-ish boobs
Big plate-like areolas (slightly brown)
High cervix (with twinges)
No dry spell (CM is clear/white and watery/creamy)
Starting to notice a slight increase in smells
Thirsty
Want Ice
Hungry (for carbs but, that might be the diet change talking)
No breast enlargment
Bluish vagina (TMI, sorry)
Sleepy in the afternoon (more so than normal-more like, have to take a nap)
Missed/Late period
Moody
Irritable (at the slightest thing)

*So as you can see, it really isn't much different from PMS, although my period was missed/late. Time will only tell. Eventually the little being has to come out! :)

Computer Crashed

2011-08-23T22:34:00.000-04:00

Well, sort of. We got a Trojan virus. All of our stuff was completely wiped out. That taught me to back things up! The saddest part is that ALL of my video's are gone. The pictures I had put on FaceBook and I can recover, at least. It really does suck though. Matt also said that we may still be able to recover somethings. I hope, for his sake (all the documents got wiped too) that we can. So, all-in-all, I guess it could have been worse. I was freaking out when I thought all the pictures were gone. I probably wouldn't have recovered from that.
But, lesson learned, I guess.

What's it all about?

2011-08-17T16:56:00.000-04:00

Weird dreams (which is weird for me anyway, I don't have dreams!)...insomnia...very thirsty...pressure in my lower abdomen...increased libido (for a while anyway)...very hungry...funny cramps...weird tingles in my chest area...large, brown areolas (TMI, sorry)...
What is going on? I am hoping it is something wonderful...we will have to wait and see. Also, it may just be my body reacting to the "reset" that I did with the progesterone cream. So, who knows? The best news is...I have gone FOUR WHOLE WEEKS without a period or a feeling of one! WOO-HOO!! I feel like celebrating!! I have to say, it has been quite nice. I forgot what it felt like to have a "normal" cycle or, for that much, two normal weeks. To say the least, it has been nice. It's good news! Hopefully, very soon we will have even better news. But, if not, the weight loss and diet changes will continue until I am satisfied with myself (or become...well, you know what!). :)

Shopping Bug

2011-08-15T12:18:00.000-04:00

...it has bit me. As it often does around this time of year. I guess it is from going back to school shopping every year around this time. I don't know. I know Fall fashion really does call to me. Honestly, if I could shop and wear Fall ALL year, I totally would! The colors, style and, well...everything! just speaks to me! Plus, it doesn't hurt that I just rearranged my closet and found it SERIOUSLY lacking. But, alas, not making money makes me not want to spend money. Do you know what I mean? I just feel like it is selfish, or something. IDK.
I know I don't look like it but, shopping used to be a HUGE part of my life. So much so that I would go into shops and be bored because, after all, I was JUST there and there would be NOTHING new on the shelves. How totally spoiled is that? Now, I wouldn't even be able to tell you what was in. Seriously! It makes me blue. But, it is all material after all, right? (That wasn't a play-on-words, btw.)
I know there are more important things to be doing and spending money on. I have been trying to focus on this more and more. I try to let this be enough. But, now that I am taking care of myself (I have lost 20lbs!). I want to show it off!! LOL I want to feel sexy and I want to LOVE the way I look, like I used to. In fact, I would love to be pregnant again just so I could have new clothes to wear (the maternity clothes I have are pretty fabulous, thanks to the cumulative styles of my sisters and myself). But, that will come in time.
I think what would solve my issue is to get a really fabulous pattern (think simple dress) and make a few of them in different colors. Then when they are all done, I could embellish them in different ways. Maybe add bits of lace to one. Buttons placed in cute patterns or placed in working fashion somewhere in the design could also work. I could also embroider some pretty awesome things on them. Or make cute machine embroidery patterns throughout. As you can see, the possibilities are endless. AND, it would all be unique and time consuming, lol. Which is always a good thing. (<--Wow, look Martha just showed up!)

In appreciation of my husband!

2011-08-08T09:35:00.001-04:00

     Matt won Trainer of the Year, last Friday. I knew all about it and made him a Tres Leche cake and invited his parents out for dinner (but, they wouldn't let us pay-I felt a bit like a loser :( but, they insisted!). It was really fun. I am a big stickler for doing things big. I don't think any accomplishment should go without reward (big or small- the accomplishment, not the award!). So, to make my man feel special I baked and we went out to dinner. I am so proud of him, although, I suspect, I don't brag about him or tell him enough. All men need to know that they are loved, appreciated and well, needed! I love my husband!
     We are made for each other too. We complement each other quite well. We are, however, opposites in a lot of things too. Which, of course, makes us stronger so we can support each other. For example, he is strong in almost every aspect of his life. He knows what he wants and goes and gets/does it. Once he makes a decision, his mind is made up. He is very frugal (which is a good thing when I am not!). He likes what he likes. He is very open to people and they LOVE him for it (as in, people immediately become his friends and stick around). He has an incredible work ethic. He will do things because they need to be done, not just because he likes it. He is a wonderful father (this, of course, is not an opposite thing). Anyway, you can see that he is wonderful.
     He is strong when I am weak. I can depend on him like no one else I have ever met. I can talk to him and he sets my wishy-washiness on a clear and defined path. He supports my (our) decision to stay-at-home and raise our child (children *fingers crossed*). He loves me and, truly, that is enough!

(: Congratulations, Hun! We love you and are VERY proud of you! :)

What we have been doing:

2011-08-03T17:03:00.000-04:00

I've been busy lately. On a LOT of different levels. School is in the works (as in, I am going back, REALLY, I am!). Kaine is starting school again in September (3 days a week this time). We are going to stop watching other kids (because I do now, we just can't work out the watch kids and go to school schedule). Matt is working his butt off but, not as much as he was (thank goodness). We just got back from Kentucky to visit Matt's family and it was really pleasant (except not really the 10 hour drive - both ways!). I have been on detox and have seen significant improvement in weight loss and my bleeding has completely stopped (!!!). We are trying to conceive (again!- I am finally ready to try again). Matt's birthday is also coming up at the end of August (not to mention that Lilly just turned 5 and Mom just had a birthday too- Lots of birthday's in this family!).
In fact, the birthday thing is crazy! Look at this:

January- no one
February- Grace
March- Jared
April- Mickey
May- Brent, Kaine, Big Elliott (Poppa) and Kristen
June- Lilly, Allana, George, Savannah and George Sr.
(Mom and George's Anniversary too)
July- Mom
August- Matt
September- Landon
October- Jordan, Douglas
November- Haley, Me, Grandma and Dad
December- Melissa, Patty, Kaylen
*and I can't remember when Little Elliot's birthday is but, I think it is in the spring. Also, I am sure I am leaving some people out too. Anyway, summer is crazy birthday months!

Anyway, Kaine is fully potty trained now too. It took forever! He was pretty good about going pee but, didn't always want to. He seemed to just want to do it off and on. Then he was going all the time (like every 10-15 minutes). We had to still keep pull-ups on him though, because he refused to poop in the potty. It was crazy and frustrating! We pretty much made him sit on the potty until he went because he knew when he had to go but, he would run away and hide so he wouldn't have to sit. (He also had a HUGE rejection of public toilets- I think it was a noise thing- they flush really loud and he HATED to be in there when the potties were making noise.) One day, he just decided he was going to start and use the potty and we haven't looked back since. He was, for a bit, wearing things for bed but, he seemed to be holding it pretty well and we decided to just go cold turkey. So, we took them off, let him go to the potty before bed and waited to see what happened. He had a few accidents but, nothing terrible. Once he got through nap time completely dry we knew he was going to be fine at bedtime too. Then, like I said, there was no looking back. He is very good now and can completely use the potty by himself (we do need to work on him pulling his pants up, however!). So, yay for big boys! (But I seriously don't want to think about the next one!)

Future Baby Names - Girl

2011-07-25T21:21:00.000-04:00

     I have been thinking -a lot- lately about baby names. I have decided that Evangeline will be the next name that we use - providing, of course, that we have a girl. I want the next baby to have a name that means something. That truly is beautiful. That shows how much that baby was/is wanted. Names, in my opinion, should mean something. (Kaine, by the way, is named after his paternal grandfather - Braxton Kaine Mallard - his grandfather was Robert Braxton Mallard).
     Evangeline means "good news; bearer of good news" (from this site). Also, "like an angel" (from this site) . This too, "coined from the Latin evangelium [meaning] good news (the gospel)" (from this site ). How about "messenger of good news" (from this site). It is also a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, titled Evangeline and written in 1848.
   The feelings that the name evokes are exactly what I want. It truly would be "good news" to find out that I am pregnant. If the baby makes it the whole pregnancy she will be the "messenger of good news" or the "bearer of good news". I can't seem to think of any better name than that!
   I have been wondering if God was going to send me a name. I have heard many people pray about the names that they give their children and God answers. It has been on my mind, for a while, that Evangeline was a pretty name. Something - or Someone - prompted me to look up the meaning. As soon as I found out what it meant, it was like a light bulb flashed on. I am almost hoping we do have a girl at one point just so I can use it! (By the way, my companion name, if we are to ever have a twin, and a boy too (!), would be Eli. I am going to have to look that up and see what it means!)

Updates: Loren & Kaine

2011-07-21T16:24:00.000-04:00

     I am still having bleeding problems. I started progesterone about 2 weeks ago. I have come to realize, however, that I am not getting enough. So, I have started a regimen to stop the bleeding (initially) and then to initiate a regular cycle (eventually). The idea is to get the bleeding to stop altogether and then make a predictable cycle (like those of you who are blessed with a normal period cycle). The good thing about this is, I will know-without a doubt- when I am ovulating and when and if I got pregnant. I know I ovulate, and when my period does decide to be sort of regular, I can figure out the day I am fertile. However, I don't always have this benefit. I never know if the cycle is going to happen, when it will happen and for how long it will happen. I would love (!) to know this information. So, that is where the progesterone comes in.
     So, for about the next 1-3 months this will be my daily routine (you don't really know what dose will work for you so you have to start at 400mg/day and increase it to 600mg/day gradually): every hour, starting at 9:30am I will alternate dosing, starting at 40mg, then 20mg, then 40mg and so on until 9:30pm. That will be 400mg/day, and I am going to do this for a week and see what happens. If the bleeding doesn't change, decrease or stop then I will up the dose until one of these things happen. Once I find the dose that stops the bleeding I will slowly decrease it to see which does causes the bleeding to start again. In this manner, I will find out what dose my body needs. Then I will do two weeks on and two weeks off at that dose. This will help my body to regulate its self. It will also allow my body to ovulate naturally and naturally bring on a period. Therefore, letting me get a regular cycle that is predictable.

     In other news, I am currently on a diet to lose weight. I like that I am doing this with the progesterone therapy because, hopefully, they will both reach normal at the same time. The plan is to lose the weight and regulate my system at the same time in order to achieve pregnancy at the optimal time. Of course, no time limit is really going to help, I will just have to wait and see how all things play out.
     I am also currently trying to get everything together to go back to school. I went and saw an adviser yesterday and everything academically is set and ready to go. Financially, paperwork has to be done. I am currently waiting on my pin number in order to access my past financial aid papers so I can give them proof of payment. Once all this is sorted out and my letter comes through, I will be able to register for classes. I have three more general classes to take and then I am onto my core requirements. But, I can also do them at the same time. Once this part is done, I move onto my bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Education. It may take me a while but, I am not worried about that. After all, it has taken me this long already, right?

   Kaine is doing well. He seems not to want to take naps lately, however. I am not sure if he just isn't getting enough action during the day or what. I have noticed that Kaine not getting a nap has improved his nighttime sleep. He goes to sleep faster (instead of taking 2+ hours to go down) and either sleeps through the night or gets up later. I have to say, it is about time! I truly wish this is here to stay. So, just in case, I have made him have "movie hour" during the afternoon. He is not able to get up and has to watch the whole movie before his rest is over. He seems to like this just fine. We have cut out an electrical entertainment after dinner too. Which really seems to help him calm down or get out extra energy before bed (we have been playing games or sports). So, I am hoping that he starts to sleep, more consistently, through the night. As soon as school starts again, poor Kaine will definitely have to keep up his naps, he gets SOOO tired! But, maybe this routine will get him used to staying asleep at night, therefore improving everyone's sleep.

Cleaning Up My Body

2011-07-18T11:41:00.000-04:00

I have decided to detox. Today is day one. It is suppose to be a 4-week plan. Each week focuses on a different part of the body. This week is the kidneys and the intestines. Lot's of fruits, juices (freshly juiced in my awesome juicer that my mom gave us when Kaine was born-so I could make him healthy foods!), veggies, cranberry juice (highly diluted-thank goodness, that stuff is expensive!), and lot's and lots of water.
I am doing detox to jump-start my weight loss. I have really been trying to find the perfect plan for us (because, we basically ALL have to be on a diet for it to work for me! lol). It has been hard and I haven't been able to stick with ANY of them. But, this is affordable and easily attainable, because I am not eating much.
Here is a break down of a "normal" Phase 1 day:

Warm water with lemon, upon rising
Skin brushing (to help with lymph pick-up and circulation)
30 minute brisk walk
Cranberry juice and water (1:4) with psyllium husks
Apple (for the pectin)
Water throughout the day
Fruit all morning
Large salad for lunch
Wait 2-3 hours before eating again
Eat more fruit if hungry
Large salad and vegetarian meal for dinner

Each week you add something more to this plan. Basically, this plan allows your body to rest. Which, honestly, I think it will be a sigh of relief for my body. Especially since it is still acting up. I really hope this helps regulate my hormones and menstrual cycle too. I want a baby! Nothing worth having is ever easy to come by, right? So, the hard work starts here. It is time that I take getting this weight off seriously and seriously start to look to the future. I am very hopeful, even if this adventure doesn't result in a baby. I REALLY do need to lose weight, no matter what. My future will look much better (for all of us) if I was 40-50lbs lighter. That is not just about vanity either, being lighter will give me much more energy, stamina and the will to get things done! If a baby happens to come along too, that is great. But, we aren't trying right now. The weight comes first and then, in a few months, we will start to try again.

Oh, and also, I have started on my progesterone regime. I am not sure if I have talked about this or not. I have been reading, reading, reading, and reading about how to get my body into a good childbearing situation. But, you know you can't get pregnant if you never stop bleeding in the first place! So, what to do, what to do? That has been my constant question. So, I found a fabulous website that walks you through everything. Here is the link: Natural Fertility Information. It is very informative. If you are really interested in the progesterone thing here is the link to that: Progesterone Fertility Guide. I am just using it to regulate my cycle and get the bleeding to stop. I am now going on six weeks of bleeding because my body is just making a really thick lining and it isn't able to shed it appropriately. So, the progesterone is going to level everything out. And, it has considerably lessened my bleeding. I also barely have any clots. A ~~BIG~~ - HUGE improvement to what it was! Plus, it has only been one week. I can't wait to see what happens when this stuff starts to build up in my system. I might be a completely new woman! *Here's to hoping!* So, day one and week one have been successful. I hope it stays like this! :)

Healing wounds

2011-07-01T20:55:00.000-04:00

I am starting to think that there really is something to the "it is really meant to be" phrase. If it is meant to be it will be. I have long been an advocate for this phrase.

I always thought, as I am sure all women and young girls do, that if you have unprotected sex YOU WILL GET PREGNANT! Not so. Apparently it is really hard to get pregnant, even for those of us that don't actually have problems. Apparently, you are only fertile, at best, 2-3 days a month. That's it! No, I had unprotected sex and then my period started, Thank God! moments. No, oh boy I hope I didn't just walk into something that I am not sure I can handle. Nope, you have a small and VERY precise window. Add any type of problem to this, and your window is even smaller or nil. Nonexistent. So, what do you do?

In my case, I always knew it was going to be hard for me. I have even heard the whole, "if you can get pregnant you may not be able to keep it" line. Now, I know that is true. However, I refuse to let that define me. I will no longer be "the one who can't get pregnant". I already have, after all. Kaine was meant to be, the others weren't. I no longer have the fear of "what if I can't?!". I KNOW I can. One of these days God will send me a baby. One of these days our baby will be here. I am not sure what path that baby may have to travel but, God does. God is in control of our lives and we will be alright.

I am starting detox in two weeks to prepare my body for a starting over phase, if you will. I need to know that I did everything right this time around. I am also going to start progesterone cream and vitex to regulate my hormones (I am estrogen dominate). I am hoping this is going to jump start my system and be able to carry me all the way through a successful pregnancy! :)

I have a grown up living room

2011-06-28T00:32:00.000-04:00

It seems that we finally got this place in some sort of shape. There is still A LOT to do, on the organization of closets and our room side of things, but it is, at least now, getting done. We painted this weekend. The living room, hall and kitchen all got a nice warm coat of lovely paint on them. We decided that the other rooms were going to have to wait. Especially since the other rooms were ~~junky~~ holding things from the rooms that we were painting. I really felt like setting such a lofty goal would set us up for bad moods and things being left undone or half done also. I didn't want to go there. We accomplished our goal, I am happy about that. I was even able to hang pictures, paint the trim and baseboards, stain Kaine's table and chairs, buy and hang curtains too. It feels so nice to walk into a room that actually looks like you live in it!

I must say here, that I got a STEAL on the curtains too! They are Martha Stewart and if you know anything about Ms. Martha Stewart you know she doesn't do "cheap". Which, I must say, is mostly to here credit. These are BY FAR the nicest curtains/fabric I have ever owned. Oh yes my friends, I have felt and longed for fabric like this my whole life! It is pure luxury. The way that I got them, you ask? If you don't know, most of Ms. Stewart's things are super expensive. With no exception to curtain panels. These particular panels happened to be marked for clearance at the local Home Depot for (rounding up) $12 a panel. Pretty reasonable, in my book (especially if you count the extra nice fabric!). So, I bought them. Here is a wonderful picture and price tag for you to look at to see how much of a deal these were! Pretty nice, right? So, my living room actually looks like a room I did on purpose, instead of a room that a college dorm dumpster or thrift store threw up in. Yeah, it's pretty nice.

The saga

2011-06-24T21:03:00.001-04:00

I haven't really had anything interesting to say lately, except rants. I really don't want to make this blog an "angry" one. I do like to come here to complain about stuff, just to get it out and so I can move past it. However, I don't want it to be ALL about that.

However, there have been many things bothering me lately. I am just not sure I am ready to talk about them yet. Especially this one thing, involving a certain "couple" that really seems bizarre. I can't seem to wrap my head around it. In fact, I totally see myself avoiding the WHOLE thing. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable and I REALLY, REALLY don't know why. I am not one to ignore those feelings, I just don't know what to do about it. It shouldn't even be this big of a deal. I guess that is why I feel I can't figure it out. Ok, I guess I should just go ahead and tell you the story. Maybe writing it out will make it go away (or lessen the affects it is having on me!).

Matt's brother is getting married. No big deal, right? Why is it making my stomach turn at the mere mention on this happy occasion? He "proposed" to her after ONLY 5 weeks of knowing/dating her. (I say "proposed" because I have YET to be told of a proposal story or SEEN a ring!) Who does that? Yeah, yeah, I get the whole "we are in love and you JUST KNOW" crap. (I really don't think it is crap, because I "just knew" with Matt really early too, but come on!)

Anyway, the issue is this: he keeps dating THE SAME GIRL. I am not just talking about them having similarities, I am talking about it going like this:
Oh, she is nice.
Oh, she seems sweet.
Oh, she has sort of a past.
Oh, she may actually be skanky.
Oh, she is crazy.
Oh, she really, really, really, is crazy.

And the relationship goes like this:
I just got out of a bad relationship.
Oh, I am dating someone again (way too soon).
I REALLY love her!
She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!
Oh, we broke up because I didn't like her past.
Oh, we are back together again.
Oh, we broke up again because she has a drinking problem (insert problem where "drinking" is).
We really love each other.
Want to move in?
All is well and we "may be" getting married.
We are breaking up.
We are back together again (this is the point where everyone in the family just wishes they would work their shit out already and either move on or stay together).
We really are broken up and are NEVER getting back together again!
Repeat.

The bad thing is, this process is dragged out over years. YEARS! The first one was about 3 years. The next one was about 3-3 and a half years. They were pretty much back-to-back. I know it is his life but, it affects mine too! Especially now, since I have a child who still asks about "where the other one is".

I am really uncomfortable with this whole situation. I don't agree with it. I think he rushes way to fast and furious toward something that, plainly, just takes time! He wants it all and he wants it NOW! I don't want my son falling for someone else just to see them walk away (or be thrown out) of his life again. But, it really isn't about that either. I just think Matt's brother is displaying some serious self destructive behavior and, frankly, I am NOT okay with that!

Isn't it weird that it bothers me so much? I guess because I feel like pieces of the puzzle just DON'T make since. Why so sudden? Why her? Is this really something you should enter into so lightly (marriage I mean)? I don't know what to think!

Breaking News...

2011-05-25T22:33:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking about doing something drastic (I am not so sure that is the best word) for a while now. At least, most people would think it is drastic. Here is a little background:

My ambitions as a child: To be a Nun or a Missionary
My ambitions as a teenager: To join the Peace Corp
My ambitions as a young college student: To be a nurse
My ambitions as a young mom: To make sure my kids are well taken care of (no sacrifice is too much)

Are you seeing a theme here? I have ALWAYS wanted to be in a position of "helper to those who need it". My path has been long and very confused. I have done some things that just plain don't make any sense at all. All of it has taught me and led me to my next decision.

This may sound corny but, I was watching OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) tonight. Oprah was talking about her life's journey. She kept saying, "I don't believe in luck", "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity", something I have always felt. So, needless to say, I was listening. She then went on to talk about how she knew she was doing what she was intended to do. Yes, she made mistakes. Yes, there were hard times to overcome (her past would make anyone want to roll over and die, poor girl!). But, she knew she had a purpose. She could hear "whispers" of what she was suppose to be doing. (That sounds crazy, I just can't put it as eloquently as she did. Use the word "nudges", if you prefer.) It just started to click for me.

I feel that God has recently laid something on my heart. I am terrified to accept it. I have talked it over with Matt and I know he is scared too but, open to the possibility. We just want to feel a little bit more "settled". I just don't know anymore. I think God opens you up to opportunities when you are actually ready for them. Not when your "housing situation" or "financial situation" is optimum. (None of which are terrible, unless you consider not having debt and not actually owning a house, a bad thing!) Yes, I would like to have a house of my own. However, this is something we can do NOW. We don't need to wait. I am just tired of telling God that I will "go where He sends me" and then letting the call go to the answering machine, if you know what I mean. Will He stop calling me?

My passion is children. I wish to teach one of these days. (A decision that didn't come lightly. And, won't come easily.) I have always said, "I have missed my calling"; I am suppose to be a nanny. Well, what is this new revelation you ask? I want to be a Foster Parent. Not really, I have never really wanted to be a Foster Parent. The idea scares me to death! But, I feel called to be a Foster Parent. Being called is more like a need. You know what I mean? You may not want it. You are probably scared out of your socks at the prospect of taking this challenge on. But you just have to!! Am I making sense? Look at it this way:
Have you ever seen anyone being treated unfairly? Unjust? Abused? Would you walk on by? Or, even with your fear, would you get involved? No, you don't want to make the situation worse. No, you don't want to be physically, mentally or emotionally hurt. But, you are compelled to act. THAT, my friends, is what I am talking about.

Doing the right thing. It's not always easy. Most of the time it is hard. But, if you let it, you will come out the better person. You change to accommodate. I have always felt like I was meant for better and greater things. No, I don't want to be rich or famous. But, I do feel like I could be doing more to change the world we live in. I am tired of just sitting around and waiting for the need to come to me. I am going to reach out and give of myself. I will give what I have to offer, hopefully it will be just what is needed.

New Situations

2011-05-17T17:34:00.000-04:00

I started a new job, sort of. I am helping out a friend who needed some good childcare. I just told her to give me whatever she has laying around, for payment. I don't really want payment, it just sounded like she would feel better about paying me. I love having the kids around. They are a great way to have something to do, you know, when I would normally not be doing anything! Rowan is fabulous for Kaine and, I suspect, Kaine for Rowan. They are still working out the whole, "hey this is mine" thing but, you know, being two and three there will be some problems. lol. The baby, Liam, is a doll! He is, of course, good for me. (Even though, he seems to be good for Kaine too, getting used to babies and all! Some jealousy issues have shown up. Such as this: "Mommy, can you hold me? Just for a little bit?") So, it is good to have new little ones in the house.

One of the things that have been going through my mind lately, is this: "Man, I wish I had more kids!" "This is fun!" So, needless to say, I don't think the next "children" will be that far apart in age. I like having little ones to make my days busy and more full. I feel like I have a purpose and something to look forward to. Not to mention, that my "get up and clean the house!" gene has kicked into overdrive! YAY! I was seriously looking for something to inspire me to get my house organized and to KEEP IT CLEAN! I'm not so good at the cleaning, organizing and "oh, your hungry? guess I can make you some dinner!" lol (actually, I am not that bad at making dinner!). With the new additions, I am able to inspire myself to pick up, sweep and generally keep things in the "clean zone". It has been fabulous.

Things have also been falling into place financially. We are in a good place. We are able to pay our bills, buy groceries, buy gas, and keep a roof over our heads. The only thing we need to work on now is our savings. We aren't quite there yet. Although we aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore (Thank you God!), the savings haven't really started yet. The biggest reason for this is, we keep "finding" new things to do with our "extra" money. (We went to Disney last month! We have also been going on tons of trips lately. So much so, that I am/was ready for a break!) So, we will have to start figuring out the other part of being responsible, putting money away for a rainy day. I think we are ready!

Along these same lines, my financial aide from my confusing and crazy college days have been paid off. Thanks to our IRS return. The good news about this? (Other than the obvious!) Is that now, I am eligible for more aid. I know, sounds backward right? But, I can't finish my degree without aid. AND, now that I know, the hard way, what NOT to do, I am ready to take on college again! I just filled out the FAFSA and hope to hear some positive news by the end of this week. I am really and truly ready to go back. I am way more mature than I was just out of high school. I now see an actual purpose in having a degree. Also, I have truly figured out what, in life, I am good at. I know where I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I had NO idea before! That is why the running joke in my family was, "What are you majoring in this week?" Trust me, I had no clue. I really wanted to look into everything and, generally, I did. (I really don't know why I need to do EVERYTHING the hard way! Just stubborn, I guess.) So, I have started the journey back into college life. It scares me but, it is mostly exciting. I have a clearer view of what to expect and what is expected of me. I know, in reality, what I will have to do to succeed. I am ready!

Many good changes... :)

Success

2011-05-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

Today Kaine and I went out shopping around for birthday stuff. I know that we went to Disney for his 3rd birthday however, I feel that everyone should at least have a birthday cake on their birthdays. So, we went to Publix, Sam's Club and the Party Store. We ordered a bumble bee finger-roo cake. I was trying to find a link to a picture for this but, apparently they are new and aren't even on the website yet. But, they are super cute. Kaine picked out the bumble bee one. (They also a have: monkey, frog, lady bug, dinosaur, puppy and some other ones I can't remember!) It was only $10 too, total score!! Then we went to Sam's Club. I saw on their website that they had, what they call a 5" cake with 10 cupcakes. You can go here and check out their cake catalog and search until you find the "Cars" cake (minus red icing and chocolate cake b.c., "kids can be allergic", according to the cake lady, lol!). That also was around $10 (a little over like, $.39)! So, two cakes for $21! Woo hoo! Plus, Kaine picked them out, so no disappointments. When we went to the party store I wasn't really sure what we were looking for. We walked around and decided on a really cool "canopy" birthday hanger (that I plan to put over his small table as a decoration). He also picked out some Hot Wheels bouncy balls and purple paper plates).

Also, the biggest success of the day was that we left the house with Kaine in underwear. Not normally such a big deal (he can go to preschool and make it from 7:30 am to 1pm in underwear with no accidents). I have NEVER tried to take him anywhere without pull-ups on. Well, the one time I did I ended up changing him because he peed while sitting in his car seat. This was the outcome of Kaine refusing, absolutely refusing, to use a public toilet! So, we haven't been out without pull-ups. In fact, most of the time that he spends in the house, he is wearing pull-ups too (we still haven't figured out a way to help or make him go poo in the potty). So, today was a serious surprise. I even tried to talk him into changing into a pull-up halfway through our shopping trip (which was not limited on the liquid intake!)- no dice. He just wanted to wear his undies. I must say he did impressively well! I kept asking him if he had to go. At one point I had him in the back of the Jeep, McDonald's empty cup in hand, trying to convince Kaine that he could pee in it therefore, making sure there was no chance of accidents! (I did mention that he won't use a public toilet right?) He made it through three stores and a McDonald's (we went inside to eat!) stop all without peeing! I am super impressed. That is complete success. So, we came home and he peed in his potty then went and took a nap. What is going on? I don't know but, I hope it continues! LOL

King Kaine

2011-05-09T10:15:00.000-04:00

Kaine is such a wonderful kid. He really is. Do you hear the "but" coming on? I don't know who invented the term "terrible twos". I have enjoyed the "twos" very much, thank you. However, on the butt end of the "twos" and the budding of the "threes" there have been some issues. Things I love about this age:

He is becoming more independent
He likes to do things "by myself"
He can follow commands with more than one request in them
He plays wonderfully by himself
He likes to invent things
He is very creative
He can entertain himself, until he needs to reach something high up
He can feed himself
He, for the most part, is out of diapers (pull-ups are still in play)
He is able to show his love (hugs, kisses, saying "I love you")
He tells wonderful stories
He is funny

Things I do not like about this age:

He likes to do things "by himself"
He can follow commands with more than one request in them but, often "chooses" not to
He gets more time outs
He can be creative which, leads to bigger messes
He likes the word, "no"
He likes the words, "no way"
He often has to be asked to do things more than once
He doesn't like to eat
He doesn't like to sit at the table at meal times
He doesn't like naps
He doesn't like taking showers
He doesn't like going to bed
He often wants to do the opposite of what you want to do
He often refuses to use the potty
He likes that stupid word, "no"

So, terrible twos? I don't think so! I hope this age will, indeed, not be so terrible. I have heard people refer to it as the "terrific twos". Maybe I should make my saying the "terrific threes"? It doesn't have such a nice ring to it though. Oh well.
Kaine is still great. He is "the love that I never thought I could give". Which is no small compliment. He has made me a better person. He has also made me a better wife. And, although Matt and I don't always see eye-to-eye when raising him, we are better for having him. We are all closer because Kaine exists! That is the biggest blessing he has brought into our lives.

Miscarriage

2011-04-27T00:44:00.000-04:00

At ten weeks even, I started to spot. Nothing, at all, major. It was this little, slight, questionably faint, pink streak. I had been feeling rather period-y all week. My exact quote to Matt was, "If I didn't know any better, I would think that I am about to have a period". Well...if you ever feel like that when pregnant, it may not be a good thing. Surprisingly, I am not all that shocked that this has happened. I did have a good cry about it (when something else set me off). I haven't exactly felt "right" about this pregnancy from the beginning. I felt like it was "off". I don't know why. Except, maybe I do now? I don't know. So, this isn't really going to be a sad tale, per se.

Saturday morning brought more blood. I showed Matt on the toilet paper that I had just used. It was like the beginning of a period; you can feel it coming so you rush to the bathroom. It didn't get worse all day. I was on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I took some tinctures to help stop a miscarriage but, it didn't seem to help with the bleeding much. The cramps went away. We thought that we were going to be able to save this pregnancy after all.

Sunday was Easter. I put off going to my Mom's or telling her anything about us traveling until I was certain the bleeding wasn't any worse. Which it wasn't. The blood was the same consistency and was even getting a little bit darker. I tried to stay off my feet the whole day and still enjoy myself.

Monday brought little change. Although I could tell the cramps and back discomfort I am prone to was a little worse. I just attributed this to Kaine taking up almost ALL of the space on my side of the bed the night before. I was able to talk to some midwives at the Birth Center. Sarah and I had a long conversation on the phone that morning. She said that they don't usually take people this late and because I would be considered VBAC I would still have to find another provider. But she was, in the end, willing to offer initial prenatal visits until I found a provider, which was nice. She said that it could be many things. All of which made sense. She said that I could have a low-lying placenta which was causing the bleeding but, not to worry, they usually travel upwards by twenty weeks. Research confirmed this. Another suggestion was a vitamin deficiency and, if you have been following this for a while, you would know that my body has issues with vitamin b-12 and D. So, I thought, for sure that this is what I was experiencing. I up'd my vitamin intake accordingly and through Sarah's suggestion. She also stated that if this was a miscarriage, I would soon know. Things would progressively get worse until "the contents of my uterus were emptied". (Don't worry, she prefaced this with, "I know this is hard to hear".)

Monday night. Things were not getting better. Cramps were more regular and there was more blood. I would say, by now, I was in a state of "this is happening, let's get it over with". (I know that sounds cold but, I knew with the first red blood that there was nothing that could be done. Anything I could have done, I was doing.) Things went smoothly and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Tuesday morning brought what I knew to be true. Blood clots or tissue. At this stage the baby usually looks like a little being. However, and fortunately, it was nothing like that. It was just clot like tissue, clearly indicating that nothing was there. It gave me peace to know that it was happening for a reason and not for something that could have been helped. I am in a good place and know that this was something that was meant to teach me faith. I had great faith through out this ordeal. I knew God was not abandoning me. Yes, it was something that I didn't want. Yes, it was something that was sad. I am just glad it didn't go any farther. I think, honestly, that I wasn't yet attached to the idea of being pregnant but, I was getting used to it. This helped to guard my feelings and to help me deal with the loss. I hope I don't sound cold or unfeeling because, it was/is sad. I just don't want to dwell on it. I want to move on.

Thanks for all of the support through out this whole journey to pregnancy. We have decided to not try again. At least, for a while. I just can't take anymore disappointment. There have been too many months in a row that just haven't worked out. I need some time to wrap my head around this situation and deal with other life issues. So, babies, hopefully, are still in my future, just not in the near future.

Scratch That

2011-04-19T02:58:00.002-04:00

I can't sleep. Then again, I am tired all the time! So, scratch the claim from before about not being as tired as early as the previous pregnancy. I am nine weeks and I am usually up at 2 am, like tonight (this morning?). Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was fortunate enough to have a husband that let me sleep in on Sunday (because Saturday brought another no sleep night) that I slept until 2pm. And yes, we meant to go to church. I REALLY just couldn't even move when he tried to wake me up. I thought I might be sick. That is how I felt ALL day today too. Thank goodness Kaine had school this morning, I don't think I would have made it. On top of that, I think Kaine was sensing something, today was one of his worst days in a LONG time. It was like he was really tired too. Poor guy.

As for all of the other symptoms (nausea and what-not) I don't have them anymore. I do still feel strangely not really hungry. Or, rather, I want A LOT of junk food and ONLY junk food, if you please. But, I know that is a sign of not getting enough calories and protein and possibly, minerals. *Sigh* I am trying to make an effort to eat more fruits and veggies, to up my nutrients. Plus, I know the baby needs more than salt, water, Sprite with extra lime and slushies. What kind of weird-o cravings are those? I am chalking it up to the fact that it is hotter sooner and my body is just trying to prepare. Salt, for one thing, helps build up your blood volume, as does water. Cravings for sugar are a sign that your body wants protein. You should have seen me at four weeks. I was literally eating sea salt out of my container. Literally. But, I knew it was for a good cause. So, here is to actually listening to my body, however weird it might sound to some! :)

In other news, we are going to Disney. Very soon. Like, for example, in T minus nine days and counting. I. Am. So. Excited!!! You really have no idea. No. Idea. And, of course, I am trying to be all laid back about the planning and stuff but, all I want to do is check out the websites and cry (yes, hormonally cry with excitement and anticipation-oh pregnancy!) because I just can't wait! I am really hoping that Kaine likes it. I keep telling him that we are going. We have been watching Disney Junior lately and they have this intermission thing (you know between shows) that kinda represents the electric light parade at Disney and he gets REALLY excited about that. Plus, I keep telling him that we are going to go and see the castle that comes on right before the Disney movies start to play (you know the one I mean). Not to mention that Tinker Bell will be there. Oh yes, he is more excited about Miss Tink than you could imagine and I think it is the most darling (yes, darling) thing I have EVER seen! Can you feel my excitement!!?? So, here is the game plan:

We are going to be leaving on Thursday, after Matt gets off work. Friday will bring all day excitement at the Magic Kingdom (Matt, Kaine and I). I am planning to really utilize their baby center buildings for nap time! (Which will just be a "rest" time.) Most. Awesome. Building. At. Disney. EVER. Not kidding! (Seriously, just did spell checker on this and it suggested childing? Pretty sure that is not a word! In fact, it is flagging it now!) Anyway. Saturday will bring all day excitement for Animal Kingdom (one of the best zoo's I have EVER been to). (Matt, Kaine, Me, the in-laws and Matt's brother and girlfriend). Can I pause again, right here and mention that I did not really intend to invite that many people. I must confess that my excitement ran away with me. It really did. I don't think I can truly be blamed for this. It was like I couldn't control myself from saying, "You wanna come?". Can I plead temporary insanity? Besides, our group has gotten smaller anyway. Mom, George, Jordan and Grace were suppose to go. Mom had to back out because business is booming (yea!) and she just didn't feel like she should give up jobs (now that they are literally pouring in!). Who can blame her? Not me, that's for sure!! AND, I didn't invite Matt's brother and girlfriend. I'm just saying. OK. Sunday is going to bring all day excitement at Epcot. I know it really is for more of the "older crowd" of Disney explorers. But, Matt and his family have NEVER gone! Are you shocked? I am. To me, it is astounding how many things they haven't done. Which, I know, makes me sound like a spoiled brat. So, you have to go to Disney and go to Epcot, you just have to! That's the plan. Without me trying to uber control it. I really just want to go with the flow and see where it leads us. But, of course, I want to do everything! My most important concerns:

Not to be held up. (Unfortunately, there are people in our party who just don't know how to be on time. Not naming names or anything.)
Having my own agenda not being messed with. After all, this is about Kaine. (There are people going with us who like to impose their will onto children who usually are just fine watching, thank you very much! I don't like Pushers!)
That the crowds not be so bad. (Matt just plain isn't good with crowds.)
That the heat not be to bad. (That is why morning is going to be the most important time for us to be up-and-Adam!-yes, I realize that isn't the phrase, that is just how I think of it!)
That we spend the majority of the morning (even if that means getting up at six! Yikes!) to explore all the parks. (See first parenthesis.)

I do feel, however that we are set up for a really good time. As long as we keep it relaxed and remember why we are there in the first place. I just hope it doesn't become another battle of control! Pray for me! Really.

BTW, do you ever feel like you are letting down Mark Twain because you use exclamation points? Or way too many of them (like I do)? Mark Twain quote: "One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke."
Or these guys: Exclamtion Point / Collective Inkwell

The way of life

2011-04-07T11:25:00.000-04:00

I feel like I am trapped lately. I have no energy and God only knows how my moods will be. I have been trying to distance myself from people but, of course, that just makes the trapped feeling worse. I don't want to ruin any relationships but, I feel horrible! I have no idea how to make this better. AND the more I let things go, like cleaning the house because I have NO ENERGY the worse and worse and worse it gets. UGH! I hate this part. Can't I just sleep through it?

However, this is why I am thinking we are having a girl this time too. I didn't have moody mood swings when I was prego with Kaine. I felt like crying at sappy stupid stuff, like the Christmas commercial with the babies sleeping. But I didn't bite people's heads off just for walking across the room! Then, the guilt sets in, making me feel even more crappy. Because, what do you say to someone who just gets on your nerves for breathing?? I need a vacation, until I start to feel better. Or someone to just come over here and clean my house, organize it and tell me all is well! Wouldn't that be nice?

I think, ultimately, I am overwhelmed. I have no way of NOT feeling overwhelmed because, let's be honest, ever since we moved back I have been trying to get control of this place and I have NO help. It honestly seems like every time I get done cleaning one area two more areas are destroyed and I have to start all over again. This isn't really that much of a problem, you know, for the normal people out there. But for me, the super perfectionist (yes, I am, surprising I know) I have to get it all done and to high standards or NOTHING gets done. Do you see what I mean? I won't start something knowing that I will be interrupted (hello! I have a 3 year old!). I won't start something knowing I don't have a place for it. I won't start something knowing that I won't get finished. I won't start something knowing that it won't be done right the first time. So, things pile up. The more they pile up the more overwhelmed I feel. The more overwhelmed I feel the more things pile up. It's a vicious, vicious cycle!! Honestly, when it gets this bad, things start to go into the trash. I have made up my mind that I can't handle it therefore, I need to get rid of it. Not such a bad system really but, it is based on emotion and we all know how that turns out.

Announcing

2011-04-02T18:12:00.000-04:00

Announcing that we are pregnant has got me really excited. I just can't seem to hold it in. I know I should be but, as it seems, my inability to keep a secret has started to show its ugly little head. We have wanted this for so long. Many people are walking this journey with us too. I have to admit, I am not very good at this. I have already told both my sisters, Cassie, my neighbor (who I don't even know) and my mom (because she suddenly said she wasn't going to Disney and it took all I could do to keep from bursting! BTW, she already knew. What is it about Mom's?). So, now we have Matt's family, my dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone else to tell. I do think that that is going to have to wait though. I want some sort of element of surprise, especially for my in-laws. Not really sure why, I just think they would appreciate it more. I am still thinking of getting Kaine a shirt that says "Big Brother".

In other pregnancy related news (yes, you are going to have to put up with this for the next nine months! lol) I think we are having a girl this time. I know I am only 7 weeks but, I have this strange feeling there is a girl in there. I felt completely fine with Kaine. In fact, didn't know I was pregnant (haven't I mentioned this before? lol). I never had any sort of morning or day/night sickness with him. I felt fine. Well, almost fine. I did have this weird "maybe I am coming down with something" feeling and horrible sinus pain (what is that about?). Other than that, nada! This time around I am REALLY cranky (so much so that that is an understatement!). I have actually felt sick, as in, "Oh no! I think I might puke!" (but, thank God, have not actually done so). Had food aversions- I don't feel like eating. I must say though, that the only improvement that I have seen is that I am not as sleepy as I was the first go-round. I can remember sitting on the couch and watching tv or something around 7 or 8 pm and literally falling dead asleep. Maybe it is because I am not working? Maybe it is because when I actually get tired I have the leisure of sitting down for a few minutes (hours, j/k) and recouping? All I know is, the insomnia has hit early! I remember having horrible insomnia during the last 2 months. I would go down and get up around 3 am (like now) and not be able to fall asleep again until anywhere between 5-7am. Then, of course, I would have to go into work and feel like crap all day! (This is probably why I passed out at 8 pm!!) Anyway, I am watching what is going on and trying to take cues from my body and follow them. So far, so good!

Oh, we already have baby names too: Twins*- Emma and Eli or for singletons just Emma or just Eli.

*And yes, I am sure if you know me at all, you will know that twins are a passion of mine! I desire to have them more than anything else that I can imagine! I know, most people, like you, think I am crazy! Like I told Erin when she found out her first were two: "What a wonderful blessing! Just think how God must feel about you, to entrust you with two instead of one!" That is how I feel anyway. They would truly be a double blessing to this family!! (No, twins don't run in my family. I did read just the other day that that only counts for fraternal twins anyway. You can still have identical-the more rare kind-without any history of twinning going on! Cross your fingers :). )

6 Weeks

2011-03-26T12:02:00.000-04:00

So far, so good. That is my motto, for the moment at least. I don't really know if my symptoms are any different or the same as last time, seeing as how I had no idea that I was even pregnant. Although, I really did want to be. Anyway, my symptoms seems to be much more heightened, especially when it comes to nausea. I had some headaches a few weeks ago but, honestly, that could have just been from the pollen count. So, now I am torn. I really think it sucks that I feel sick off and on. But, at the same time, I feel happy because my body is doing what it is suppose to be doing. I also have breast tenderness. Not nearly as bad as last time, when I thought I had a severe illness because I had major lymph pain under my arms and absolutely nothing could even breath on my breasts. It was horrible! This time around, I have swelling and pain but I can stand it. Maybe it is just because I know what is going on. Maybe it is just because I don't really need to go through that many changes this time around. I don't know, I just hope it doesn't get much worse.

Either way, I am glad that I am finally pregnant. I am ready to start showing and let everyone know about it! Speaking of letting everyone know, I think I have figured out a cute way to let them know. We are going to Disney the last weekend of April. This also happens to be Matt and I's 10 year anniversary (dating one but, to us, it counts!). We are going to go to dinner on our anniversary with everyone. I thought I would dress Kaine in a shirt that says, "Big Brother". Then we are going to wait and see if people notice what it says and then excitement will ensue. That is the plan anyway. And, if no one notices, then I will just point it out!

Four and a Half Weeks

2011-03-16T19:58:00.000-04:00

Oh, yes! You read that right! Four and a half weeks along. That is where we are at now. We found out last night that I am indeed pregnant. No, not by some unreliable pee stick either. According to all of the "conventional" ways of normal-ville, I have to go about finding out in different forms. And, yes, I could just wait until I am showing and the quickening comes on but, I ask you, is that fair?? Ummm...no! This is one of the things that I am actually quite pissed that I am slighted in! I should not have to wait past a missed period (in Kaine's case TWO missed periods) to be able to actually believe that I am pregnant. Well, so how do we know, you are asking?? Chadwick's sign, that's how (mine is more of a purplish color, which is normal). Although this does not tell you how long you have been pregnant, it is a major sign that you are indeed pregnant. Because of the last months and how my body responds to the onset of menses, I was not letting myself believe that I am pregnant. I do have breast growth and darkening of the areolas too (but, as we have seen, I get this with PMS too). Chadwick's sign is no doubt how I will be finding out how I am pregnant from here on out. I refuse to wait until my 2nd trimester to confirm! I know, not fair that I don't have dead giveaway signs for pregnancy, right (vomiting)? Thank God too! I would have stopped at Kaine and that would have been absolutely it! UCK!

Oh, of course I was already expecting pregnancy. I don't know if I posted about this last time or not but, I had implantation bleeding on February 25th. This was about a week after my last period (which is normal for me, I ovulate right after my period, as far as I can tell). In fact, I ovulated so close to this period that I didn't even get a positive ovulation test last month because I tested the weekend after we had already achieved baby glory! It is funny how things work. In fact, I had sex that time because I felt like it and actually said to myself, "Let's just do this one for fun and worry about the baby stuff some other time!" Always, when you least expect, right?

So, yes, we are pregnant and very excited about the whole thing. BTW, if you see any of my family members, don't spoil the surprise!! We are going to Disney next month and I would like to tell them at dinner one night. Not to even mention, that I would like to be farther along, just in case, you know. Oh, we are due around December-ish.

Possibly Crying Wolf.

2011-03-14T01:14:00.000-04:00

Everyone knows, who reads my blog and that I trust, that I am trying to get pregnant. I think I finally achieved this! Of course, my body is strange and is so far from normal, I will have to go to extremes to conventionally confirm this hypothesis. However, this is what I think.

My period week was February 12-17, 2011. On February 25th, I had spotting and some cramping. I was thinking I was starting to bleed again. It was a pretty noticeable amount but, not alarming at all. I have been waiting and charting to see what was going to happen. I have had a high cervix (with no movement, like last month when it kept yo-yo-ing between high and medium and resulting in a period) since the spotting. A few days after it happened and I had no other symptoms I assumed it could have been implantation bleeding. I was due to have another period (you know, in normal land) again around the 12th of March. Nothing has happened and I have been anxiously checking my cervix for clues of dropping to allow for menses. Nothing happened. I have also been taking pregnancy tests (and was REALLY put into a bad mood when the 12th resulted in a negative test!) but, as we all know, I have NO NO NO faith in pee tests.

So, I have started to allow myself to believe that this actually could be it. I have not believed it and when the thought has crept into my wee brain, I have pushed it violently out again. I DID NOT want to believe something that could end again. I wanted to wait for time to revel more to me. I have waited for a time that most would have confirmation granted to them -the onset of menses. I am going to try and wait another week and test, yet again, with another home pregnancy test. If I do not get medical confirmation, I will believe it until my body shows other signs. I am going to try and be even more patient and wait until two periods have passed (I have never missed two in a row, that I can count on. The first time this DID happen was when I was given many false negatives only to discover that I was indeed pregnant. My confirmation will surely show after this harsh wait). After this time I will go and get a blood test to confirm because the state of Florida requires medical confirmation of pregnancy for a birth certificate (something that is increasing in value these days).

That is the story thus far. I still wait, with much higher hopes than I was allowing myself within the torturous weeks that have passed. Hopefully, no more torture will come. Hopefully, good news will rain gently down upon our heads and soon!

Waiting...

2011-03-07T16:02:00.001-05:00

Waiting sucks! I mean it, really, really, really, really....REALLY sucks! The worst part is, I am in the middle of my waiting period and won't know anything for at least two more weeks. That is IF my body decides to be normal.

In the mean time....Matt ran a 5K this weekend at Disney. It was the ESPN "The Weekend" run for something. I don't know what he placed. I don't know what time he got there. I don't know what time he got done. So, pretty much I am useless in the telling of the information of this event, if you wanna know! He said it was "alright". All I know is, he wore a kilt and some shoes that were killing his feet. He also did it for his client because, you know, he is good as a supporter! So, yay! for that.

Kaine is getting gigantic. They actually told me today, at school, that the pants I put on him were to tight (which there were NOT, thank you very much). They sent him home in size 6 (I had him in 4's). The reason? He apparently can't pull them up after he goes to the potty. Okay?? Have you seen that kids butt? I get that they have 8 other children in that class but, seriously? you can't help a kid out?? It just annoys me is all. They told me to go and get him bigger ones. Yeah! That ain't happening! LOL I just won't let him wear the offensive ones anymore. AND on top of that, as I put those pants on him this morning the thought ran across my brain, "Well, at least I managed to put on some pants that you will be able to put on and off". Which I NEVER do! Most of the pants/shorts he wears has buttons and zippers! I don't ever hear complaints about that. Weird, right?

More on waiting. I have decided that if I do not get a positive test result this go round, I am going to seriously start the getting in shape and losing 60+ pounds thing. (I don't really know if it is 60+, I'm just saying, it is a lot!) So, that is where my focus will lie for a while. I really and actually WANT to do it this time. NOT like me. I am going to start lifting weights because everything else bores me to tears. If I am pregnant the workout routine will be this:

Walk at least 30 minutes a day (you know, on purpose)
Yoga for pregnancy video
Weight lifting (stuff I can do, like arms)
Swimming

So, there will be plenty to keep me busy. I am really just tired of all of the nasty photos I have seen lately and I am done! with that phase, thank you VERY much!!!

So, I am confused again!

2011-02-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

I am trying to get pregnant. If you even glance at my blog, you know this much. Lately I have been trying to figure out some sort of pattern to my body's natural cycle. What I have discovered so far is that normal has no place in my bodies rhyme or reason for doing anything. A friend suggested to me that I am highly prone to stress induces bleeding. I, at first, thought that was crazy (sorry friend). Now I am not so sure. My body has been giving me really weird signals lately. AND yes, I have been pretty stressed out lately. It really doesn't help that I see NO NO NO normality. AND the idea of me not ovulating is rearing it's ugly little head again. I thought that last month we had worked that question out (because I did ovulate). This month, however, I did not. I also seem to have really short cycles lately. I am hoping it is my body trying to get into a more normal like pattern. Seeing as how I usually have long cycles (month and a half long or more).

Basically, right now, I am really confused. I know all the signs of impending ovulation, what happens after ovulation and even what your body may be telling you when you are pregnant. But lately my body has been sending me mixed signals. For example, I should have ovulated this week. I have been taking the ovulation predictor kits for the last 3 days. All results have been negative, however, my cervical position is high and my cervical fluid is milky (which shows impending ovulation). However, I wake up this morning to an impending period (I am currently spotting). According to my charting this should be my most fertile day. I should not be bleeding, I should be ovulating. So, therefore, I conclude that my original thought (or feeling) that I only ovulate on one side, may actually be true. This isn't such a bad thing. Because, after all, I do ovulate, I just won't have as many chances of getting pregnant as most women do. Silver lining = there still is ovulation which could still equal pregnancy.

Either way, I think I am going to try and focus on other things. Maybe, like everything else seems to work out, the thing you want most will come when you aren't expecting it. Anyway, I am going to focus on weight loss and trying to learn to lift weights (because when you gain muscle it burns more energy at resting therefore, you burn more calories when you aren't doing anything!). I would just like to have some other shape than a tall oval! Ha ha!

Fun times are coming

2011-02-22T17:36:00.000-05:00

I have decided not to be depressed anymore. I know, shocking! It is so easy for me to get depressed and wallow. I have decided to focus on the positive parts of my life and how much I AM blessed. Like the fact that I have one fabulous child and KNOW we got it right the first time, no matter what happens. And, yes, I mean no matter what. Plus, I have really do have one kick-ass husband that would literally lay down and die for me, if only I would ask. So, THERE....lol.

Anyway, we are still trying to get settled in. I had a wonderful weekend. We all needed a break from each other! I was able to spend daylight hours on Saturday completely by myself! I really don't have a clue when the last time that was!?? It was so nice. I was able to renew my spirit, do whatever I want and get some stuff done! It was glorious. I made some curtains and ironed the fabric in front of the TV while watching Bewitched and I Dream of Jeanie on TV Land. Best day ever! Plus, I totally got two bonus dates over the weekend with my husband! That NEVER EVER happens. Two kid free dinners AND two movies! Much needed. BTW, Kaine was with Nanny and Poppa (Matt's Parents).

I am still trying to get this place in order, like I said. I am having issues with organization because, truthfully, there just isn't enough "places" to put things. Yes, I have been throwing things out too. But, here in weird Gainesville where you have to pay the city for your trash cans and for them to pick them up (way to much if you ask me!) we only have one tiny outside trash can and don't even bother putting more out that will fit in it! They won't even blink an eye at it! Not to mention that they are the most lazy garbage people I have ever seen. I mean, really!, you can't pick up the trash can yourself? Or! Bags on the ground?? WOW! Is all I have to say to that. Guess their union really is "working" for them! lol Lame. Anyway, sorry about THAT tangent! My point is, I can't get things done in a timely manner, it seems, because there are weird and unforeseen circumstances standing in my way. But, really, where am I suppose to put this stuff???

Kaine is doing well. Growing bigger than any child I have ever seen at this stage. I believe he is very close, if not already, at the four foot mark and weighs 47#, at two and a half. That's big! However, we always knew that at least one of our kids were (was? are?) going to pass us by. He loves school now too, which is a relief. No more tears! Except he does say most days, "Mommy you came back!" LOL. I think most of that is from the book "Llama, Llama, Misses Momma" where at the end that is the phrase that is uttered when his Momma comes to get him from school. It really is cute. I am actually starting to worry about summer, I need to find us an activity - he gets so bored! But, that is for another day.

The love of Sisters

2011-02-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

Like most of my posts, I am not sure where this one will end up. I am not even sure I have a starting point. I just need to talk. I am really starting to doubt the connections in my life. My people connections. I really don't feel like people are anywhere near the friendship level that I am. Maybe I come off a little to strong? I really do wish someone would open up to me and let me know how I make people feel. I am starting to think that people just don't "want to deal" with me. Not nice. I just want someone to open up to, you know, like someone with the same type of insight (woman stuff and the struggles that go with). I am seriously done with surface friendships. Maybe I should walk around with a sign around my neck that reads: "Serious, meaningful relationship people should only reply". All I need is just one good friend. Just one. That's not asking too much is it?

Honestly, I think that is why God gives you sisters. Although, I wouldn't say that I am SUPER close with either one of my sisters. Partly because of the physical distance between us. Partly because we have emotional issues and can't seem to come together in a more united way. Having said that, I miss them. I think they are the only ones that truly know "me". I don't even have to say anything, because you already know they are on the next page with you. I guess I just miss really having sisters. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to lean on, cry on and just plain have around, no questions asked.

Sorry, still not over the whole baby thing. Trying to come to terms with something that I have known about for a while but, somehow, didn't want to believe. I guess the doctors were right, having or even getting pregnant, for me, is going to be a long road. I just wish I had someone around that understood the pain. You just need someone to step up and fill the void without being shown the way.

Heart Ache

2011-02-15T00:11:00.000-05:00

Some of you will remember that I posted on how Matt and I felt as if God was leading us down the path to "Let go, and Let God", especially regarding our children. I have to say that this weekend was one of the hardest times I have ever had to endure. Here is the story:

About two weeks ago I took an ovulation test and it came out positive. We tried all weekend to get pregnant. I "knew" it had happened. I don't know exactly how but I just knew it. I started to have pregnancy symptoms about a week or so later (albeit, very slight ones that were building daily). However, Saturday brought on spotting and cramping. After all that I had read, I was hoping it was implantation bleeding, which could come with cramping. However, as the day progressed more and more blood started to come. I knew what was happening. I tried to resign myself to the fact that, indeed (in normal land) this is when my period should show up anyway. But, what about the positive ovulation test? Well, I pretty much cried every time I had to go to the bathroom or, in the very least, felt like crying. Fast forward to Sunday night. I had pretty much been in bed all day, partly because I wasn't feeling great hormonally and physically and (mostly) because I was depressed. Anyway, Sunday night started some pretty serious gas/uterine cramping. I even found myself in the bathroom squatting to relieve the pain. I had to pace the floor or sway back and forth to get some relief, sitting was NOT an option. To my dismay, even though I am used to passing large clots, I knew this was something else. TMI warning- When I went to the bathroom I discovered that I was indeed passing something but, it was not a clot, in the sense of what I was used to. It was different. I knew instantly that my body was getting rid of a fertilized egg. I hesitate to use the term miscarriage. After all, I wasn't technically pregnant (even though I believe that pregnancy starts at conception). Book knowledge puts pregnancy at implantation, which never occurred or failed to "stick", if you will.

Part of me knows that, if I didn't know I was ovulating a few weeks ago, I would never have known of the passing. Another part of me, wants me to just accept that it is a period and nothing more. I wish I could. I just know that this is different. I even described the pain to Matt as "labor like". It was no where near the intense rushes that you get in full-on labor. More like the cramp-y "something is really going on now" labor that you get when you are starting to take it seriously. I was heart sick, still am at times. I know this baby wasn't meant to be but, oh! how much is was wanted! God's plan and timing are better than my own. I know our baby is still out there and that my faith must bring me through this pain.

I believe my body is just doing what it was designed to do. I hope, beyond hope, that it wasn't caused by some tumor or abnormality that could have been avoided if I had known about it before hand. I just hope that the egg or something wasn't viable and that this life wasn't meant to be. God knows more than we do and I place my hope in His hands.

A Woman's Role

2011-02-10T09:16:00.002-05:00

So, I guess my blog is boring lately. I haven't really been inspired to talk about anything but babies and bleeding. Sorry. I am not so sure this is over either. If you would like to stop reading (I think you already have) go ahead. This is more about leaving my thoughts for my kids anyway. I want them to be able to go through the processes with me. I would have given anything to read my parents thoughts on the why and wherefore of most of their decisions. But, alas, God knows best and I would be no where near the person I am today for not having gone through ton (so it seems to me) of life's struggles. I only hope I can pass on my knowledge to our next generation without bitterness of spirit.

Here are my goals for our lives (thus far):

I want to follow God's plan for my life

I feel I must make a note here. I say "my life" because that is all God really gives me control over (although, we are told to teach our young and those women who are younger than ourselves)
God's plan for me:

To put myself under my husband's authority
To be a housewife and do my work joyfully
To raise my children in the Christian way
To have my family be in God's way

God has revealed to me that I must only worry about "what I am doing wrong" not what other people are doing.

This goes along with the whole verse or speech about "those without sin, throw the first stone"

God as revealed to me that being in the popular way of the world are NOT how Christians are to live

We should "be in the world but, not of the world"

A lot of this is not popular opinion. Most of this is seen as anti-feminist, old fashioned, contrary or just plain backward. God, in my humble opinion, doesn't care about "fitting in". God cares about what is right and good for His followers. I want to be in God's plan. I want to follow His path, not my own.

What has brought this sudden change in me? God of course. But I have been reading a book called, "The Excellent Wife". It is a Biblical perspective on how wives are to behave and live their lives. It really opened my eyes to all of the things that we hear in the church or growing up, that many of us reject to follow. I, personally, have to say that I was the Queen Bee of rebellion when it came to such things as:

Submission
Authority roles
Women's rightful, God ordained roles
Womanhood

I would even go as far to say that I was a hippie feminist. And PROUD of it! Not so much anymore. I don't think feminist have found just quite what they are looking for yet. I was bitter and angry and completely "my own woman equal to a man in every way". This is just not true. All you have to do is look at a man and woman and see that they were meant for complimentary lives one to the other. This is not my original opinion but, God's.

I have been on a journey since I got married to find what God had planned for our lives. I think I have finally found the path. I have gotten myself out of the way and even submitted to hearing, no listening, what God has to say on the matter. I know I am no where near what God has planned. But, bear with me, I am trying and I am bound to make mistakes. What better learning medium is there?

New Things

2011-02-03T13:20:00.000-05:00

Life is changing, I hope it is anyway! I really do think I am pregnant this time around. Of course, it is WAY to early to even know that. And, yes, I know we have been here before. This time- I tell you!- is different! For one thing, I was monitoring my ovulation with test strips (not the natural way I wanted to go but, I was getting no where with basal body temperatures). I was keeping track of cervical mucus and cervical position, in relation to ovulation. So, that is something, anyhow. Why do I think I am pregnant? Thanks for asking. I have been reading up on what happens after fertilization and this is what I know so far:

Your body produces more fluid, you know, down there
The fluid is either clear or milky white (mine is milky white-like lotion)
Your cervix stays relatively high in your vagina (mine is)
Your cervix stays relatively soft (opposed to firm and low) (mine is soft)
You are really tired (yup)
You may have cravings or binges (um, yeah)
Cramping in lower abdomen (little twinges, off and on)
Low back ache (yes)
Nausea, vomiting, sore or swollen breasts, darkened areola's (mine never went away) and an increase in smell (none of which I have, yet, that is why they are lumped together- none of this happened until about week 4 last time, keep in mind that is a guess, because I had no idea-even suspected- I was with child until about 6 weeks along)

Yes, so having said all of that. I also know that ALL of that (except the whole secretion thing and cervix stuff-which are my biggest indicators) are all a sign of your period approaching too. Also, seeing as how my body tends to act pregnant before my period (with all of the other symptoms, including dark areola's) I am not going to put much hope in those signs. So, yes, I am at a heightened since of "could it be" right now. Hoping, beyond hope, to get a positive in the next 2 weeks. But I am just go and get a blood test, because strip prego tests don't seem to work for me (?). Let you know!

Also, I am be getting a job. I am going to go talk to someone at the gym tomorrow morning and see if I can just come in for a few hours (like 2) and work the rest of the day at home. It is only 25 hours a week but, if I can do the majority of it at home, I don't see why it won't work out! Pray that we can work out something that is good for all involved and get this ball rolling!! It would be so nice to have a little extra cash to set aside, just in case, or to even use as a house down payment! Will up date soon!

"Mickey Mouse doesn't like Diapers."

2011-01-31T19:25:00.000-05:00

I have been ovulating all weekend, according to my test strips. I am no longer ovulating but, we took advantage of the fact that I was. I also confirmed the ovulation with my knowledge of natural ovulation signs, such as: clear, slippery, stretchy discharge; high cervix; and, for me, the WANT to have sex. SO...here is hoping that implantation is successful and I get a positive prego test within the month (I hope!). The only thing now, I have to wait! UGH...I don't like waiting and sometimes wish I had x-ray vision so I could see what the hell was going on inside of me. I am just going to trust that it happened and, if not, that there is a reason and a better time for babies coming!

In other news, potty training is going great! Kaine goes pee in the potty and has actually moved himself the "big potty". We are starting to notice that he is either dry or just slightly peed when he wakes up too. Over the weekend he woke up one morning completely dry and also had a dry nap! It was great. But, like with anything, there is a draw back, Kaine won't poop in the potty! I have no idea why. He did once but, for some reason he won't any more (I made it a positive thing too!). So, I am hoping he is just going through a phase and will get it when he is ready. Like he did when he decided to go use the "big potty". (He even used it at a restaurant when we went!) I am pleased that it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I guess stickers and the promise that Mickey Mouse would love to see Kaine when he isn't wearing diapers (which aren't allowed in Mickey's house, did you know?) really is a great motivator to move into big boy pants! Monster truck undies don't hurt either!

New Places

2011-01-30T21:05:00.002-05:00

We have moved into Gainesville. I was hesitant to like it, at first. I wanted to see how it was going to play out. It turns out it is very good. We are saving a boat load on money, for gas, anyway. Actually we aren't doing to bad on money either way you look at it, which of course, is nice. I have been working on fixing it up. I am also trying to work on my house wife-ness by keeping it clean and organized more than one day a month! It is coming along and, if I do say so myself, I am doing pretty well in my house duties. (I am also enjoying it, surprise of the century to me!) The backyard is my next project. I just really started to work on it yesterday, thanks to Mom. It was horribly over-grown and Matt had gone out there and chopped a bunch of it down. I wasn't sure where to start in cleaning it up but, when Mom came over yesterday - I was showing her the place- and she said I would just have to pile up the stuff and pull out all of the dead overgrowth. She helped me clean a small patch. It was encouraging and it inspired me to spend about an hour outside today piling things up so I would be able to see what I needed to pull up. It should be a wonderful space once it is all clean! Kaine, I am sure, will benefit the most. I haven't decided if we are going to do a garden this year or not. I guess I will have to see how it comes out and if Matt wants to do one.

On personal issues, I have not resumed bleeding, Thank GOD!! I have gotten three positive ovulation test in a row over the weekend. We have been using the time that Matt has been home as baby making time! I am hoping, beyond hope, that pregnancy is right around the corner. I must say, having all of this in my life right now, has truly renewed my spirit! I so can't wait to wake up and get things going. I feel so renewed! I just wish it was spring, so I could celebrate with the earth! How wonderful a feeling it is to feel renewed when the world is coming back to life, there really is no better feeling! So, for now, it is Spring in my heart! Oh, the places we shall go!

Pregnancy Dreams

2011-01-28T20:04:00.001-05:00

I have stopped bleeding, miracles never cease!! It seems to me that I have stopped bleeding just in time, or perhaps, for ovulation! I am so pleased, I have had a smile on my face for, well most of the day.

Here is some background, no blood stories, I promise! I wasn't sure that I ovulated at all. I was having a hard time charting, at least the temperature thing that I was doing (someone once told me that having a fan on in the room will give you a negative reading, so I never really trusted what it was saying). I was pretty sure that I ovulated right after I stopped bleeding (like within 2 days of stopping). But, of course, everyone will tell you "that is not normal" (normal is overrated!!). Anyway, I always feel the best right after my periods and I always WANT to have sex (which was one of my indicators that I was ovulating, because I never, really, want to have sex). I wasn't really trusting it, because I really wanted it confirmed (stupid, I know!). So, here I am with some ovulation test strips that I got from babyhopes.com. They were running a special and I got 50 ovulation strips with 30 pregnancy strips for like $30 with shipping! Pretty damn good, have you been to CVS or some where similar and seen how much those things are?? So, last night I had a feeling that something was going on. I decided to go into the bathroom and do a test. It was negative, which is what I was expecting, I was just feeling "different". You know what I mean? Today I couldn't really shake the feeling, so I took another one around lunch time. To my great delight it was positive!! I was so elated I called Matt immediately to tell him I was ovulating!! Oh great day!

I am sure you can put two and two together and know what happened next, so I will leave it to your imagination. I plan on using this weekend as a sort of "conception weekend", if you get my drift. If anything it will make up for the month + that my husband has had to put up with nothing! So, win-win. I hope to soon post about a positive pregnancy test! Praying for success!!

Mostly Updates

2011-01-26T22:29:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting, obviously. I have been really busy lately. Not really stressed out (although, I am starting to feel that way about some things) -just busy. We moved back into Gainesville and have been trying to put the house together. It has been a real ordeal. We have had to fix a lot of unexpected things and there are still MANY things to do.

I have also been potty training Kaine. It was more of a suggestion of his school, with everybody starting to train now. I was afraid to start it. Especially based on the last times I have tried. None went very far. This time around has been MUCH better! I started by reading books to him and getting him a video from the library about potty training. He really likes the video and asks to watch it. It is about a little boy learning and his sister is the one that talks about what to do. So, it is really cute and from a kids perspective, which helps, I think. We are still having issues with night time, especially since he still isn't sleeping through the night. Which I think is causing him to get up and pee. I am not sure how to remedy this, I am just hoping he grows out of it. We are not using pull-ups though, we are using little boy under ware and plastic pants, so he feels wet and so I don't have to change the sheets every day! We are just taking it one day at a time.

As for me, bleeding is still an issue. I have tried to use all of the tinctures I can find that are suppose to stop a hemorrhage within minutes. I have tried to use teas, tonics and whatever else I can think of too! NOTHING is working! I am not convinced that tinctures even work for me. I tried to use them to induce labor, along with Castor oil, and NOTHING happened then either. NOTHING, no cramping, no increase in discomfort, I just felt exhausted because of the mental drainage. That is pretty much where I am now. I am FED UP!!! I want to stop bleeding! It is SERIOUSLY RIDICULOUS at this point!! I am willing to try anything, short of hormones and surgery! I just hope it stops soon.

Some concerns that I have: the bleeding is number one, of course. Along those same lines would be the fact that I have been bleeding so long now that I am afraid that if I get pregnant that I will not be able to even sustain a pregnancy because I am so deficient in vitamins or minerals or something. What if there is something really wrong that is going to make caring a baby hard or, God forbid, impossible?? I don't know. I am just worried that things are not going to work out the way that I want them to and that I truly don't have any idea what I am doing! I am hoping this is just a trial in faith that will bless me with a mess of babies down the road! Wouldn't that be lovely??

Kaine and Daddy

2011-01-05T18:08:00.000-05:00

I have been noticing lately that Kaine misses his Daddy more and more these days. Not because he doesn't love me or that Matt isn't around a lot (which is simply not true). I just think he is finally getting to that "little boy stage" in life. He is starting to form his own opinions about things. He is starting to form his own likes and dislikes. He no longer sees himself as "part of mommy", like all the experts say babies see themselves. This is good...and bad. Good for Matt, he has SO been looking forward to this "boy time". Bad for Mommy. Mommy loves the fact that Kaine is growing up big and strong. I also love the fact that he is able to make his own choices and do things for himself. And, I don't even think I have to mention, how much I love that he wants to be with his Daddy when he isn't home! But, it does give me some lonely twinges. I think it is time for a new family member. Not, in any way, to replace Kaine but, to add more love to our house. Plus, now that I know a little better (sorry Kaine) more fun the second time around!

Our Philosophy on Baby Making

2011-01-03T17:13:00.001-05:00

Matt and I have been talking a lot lately about making a baby. We have really started talking about God's role in our lives too. We have come to the conclusion that if we really are Christ believers than we are called to give Him all of us. We must truly trust that God has our best interests at heart and that He "won't give us more than we can handle" in this life. So, how does this apply to babies? Well, we have decided to have as many as we are given. Yes, even if that means that we have 50 or more. We believe children are God's blessing - Not, under ANY circumstance, a burden.
The only problem now is that we are not having any luck. My bleeding issue has peeked it's ugly little head again. I am not sure when or IF I ovulate. I may even have some sort of underlining condition that is causing us not to get pregnant but, because we don't have insurance, we are just going to have to put this too in God's hands. (I truly do believe that it will happen in God's time and not our own.)
So, now with all that said. I feel torn. I am not sure if I am suppose to be checking my basal body temperature or cervical mucus. Would this be trusting God or taking it into my own hands? Most of me thinks it is the latter. But, I am not sure. Ever heard of the story about the man that was stranded on his house during a flood, here is goes:

There was a big flood one day. Enough to cover all the houses. A man sought refuge

on his roof. A person on a raft came by and offered the man a spot to get to safety. To which

the man replied, "No, God will save me!" So the raft moved on. Next a boat came by

and asked the man to get aboard. The man replied, "No, God will save me!" Then a helicopter

came by and tried to force the man from his roof. The man replied, "No, God will save me!"

By and by, the water kept rising. The man kept refusing help. It turns out that he drowns. When

he gets to heaven he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" To which God replies, "I

sent you a raft, boat and helicopter! What else did you want?"

See my point?

Moving and Blood Issues

2011-01-01T18:31:00.000-05:00

We found a place in Gainesville that we are going to start renting. I am not sure if the neighborhood is such a great place or not but, it is a 3/1 for $700/month, so I guess we can't complain too much. I am not really looking forward to being there, only because I don't like not knowing how things are going to turn out. I am also pretty sad about moving, which surprises me. I am hoping that once we are officially in this new place that I will start to feel better about it all.

On the bleeding front, the crazy blood flow is back. I have been bleeding now, for almost, ummm, a month or so. The only good thing is that is has not been as heavy as the last 3 month bleed was. I am really hoping that this is not going to become something normal especially since we are trying to get pregnant. I also know, however, that my body is trying to tell me something. I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and actually have someone look at me. Or at least give me some idea of what I should do. I just don't know where to go or what to really ask. Plus, I have no insurance and don't want to end up spending a crap ton of money on something that can very possibly come out to this sort of diagnosis: "We don't know." "You are just going to have to live with it." "It is a hormone problem, take some birth control." "You have fibroids." "You need major surgery." Blah, more uterus trouble than I really want to deal with at the moment. I am at the point that I just really want to know what I am looking at. I want to be able to have something that I can work toward fixing and not have to worry about worrying about anymore, if that made sense. I think I will start at the Birth Center and go from there...

Ruminating

2010-12-28T17:04:00.000-05:00

Having Kaine home over this break has really opened my eyes to how much I am missing (as in learning and growth) and how much I miss him. I do feel ridiculous about it too. For goodness sake, it is only a total of six hours a week that he is even away! Plus, the time is nice to have to myself. (I am hoping it is going to be even better when we actually live in town and I can put my house together!) Mostly though, I have been thinking about how most people miss this time in their and their child's growth. They, usually, have another little one by this time and don't get to enjoy it. For that, I count myself blessed -and a little cursed. I love being able to be one-on-one with him still. At the same time, my heart aches because I long to have a baby to hold too (more specifically, for him to be a baby for me to hold still). But, I know they most grow up and out of our immediate lives. I hope I am able to give him this without too much hassle.

My thoughts as of late, have been very much around these concerns. I know my longing is due to want of a new little one. Therefore, it is making me cling to Kaine even more. Because I don' want to take it for granted if he is to be our last. I am trying to accept that this may be a possibility. I really do want to make it one of my goals to full-heartedly trust that what ever comes our way is what is suppose to be in our lives and is meant as a blessing. I really do have faith that if Kaine was to be our last, that, in the very least, we got it right the first time. He truly can't be improved upon, as far as natural temperament and ability goes. But how I would love to be able to give him someone else to love and play with! It's in God's hands and He knows my heart.

Hope

2010-12-21T10:36:00.000-05:00

In the last post I said something about how we had to pay for the car. We don't, even though we have already. Since the car wasn't finished in time the car insurance is still responsible for paying for the rental. We will get all of our money back.

In other news, I tried to take pictures of all of the crafts that I have been doing lately but, my camera sucks and it won't take anything but blurs. So, I will have to try again soon. I really wish my EOS was fixed. But I am hoping to get all of that done after the holidays (of course, when I won't need it, lol!).

Anyway, we are also taking it easy on the baby front. We are putting our faith in God that His timing is better than anything that we could possible imagine. I am still very hopeful of pregnancy but I am encouraged that God will not make me wait longer than I can handle.

I am also hoping that the new year and new location (we may be moving very soon) will bring on a new desire to start, at least, walking for health. I really do need to get something going. Even if it is not to look better but to FEEL better. I am also hoping that it is going to help my crazy hormone system regulate it self better. I think this is one of my biggest issues with my body and if I can help it along, in a good way, that will help me to feel better about the whole issue (of weight, period, food things and more).

So, I believe this new year is going to be bringing forth a multitude of new things for us. I hope they are all for the good of everyone in our little family.

Rental Car Woes

2010-12-18T12:39:00.000-05:00

Today didn't start to well. Actually the bad vibes carried over from last night. I got a call from Enterprise telling me that we were now paying for the rental car ($40/day) since the 16th. Did I mention in was 6:10 p.m. on Friday evening and that I live in the boonies. So, of course we get charged for another day because we won't be able to get it in until the next day. We were suppose to pay $160.63 for the charges. I went in and talked to them and they were very helpful. I was very emotional. She gave me a "free day", so to speak. So that took $40 off the top. I ended up paying $120.63 for the rental. She gave me pointers on how we may be able to get the money back, seeing as how we were not informed that there would be a time limit on the car (30 days). The good, or silver lining, to the situation is that Matt was able to get someone on the phone from Nationwide (our car insurance company) and they were able to inform us that, if we call back Monday, they will be able to get clearance to reverse the money exchange and that they are still liable for coverage because the car wasn't done on time. (This is no fault of the place fixing the car, the parts were on back order and they had to schedule work around Thanksgiving and have been nothing but helpful.) It was just unneeded stress at a time that I was already feeling crummy.

I am hoping this week is going to be better and that the Christmas spirit will once again be revived. Here's to hoping.

Christmas

2010-12-17T21:15:00.000-05:00

I'm just not feeling it this year. No matter how hard I try. And believe me I HAVE tried! I really thought Kaine would be more into it this year. He doesn't care. He likes the fact that we have a tree in the house and that he got to put shiny things on it. But, other than that, nothing. He hates Santa still because he TOTALLY doesn't get what Santa is about, no matter how many books we read about the jolly fat man. I hope next year is better.

The whole gift thing is getting to me too. I really hate that it is what it is. I want it to be about the true meaning of Christmas this year but, it's not here. I don't feel it. I don't see it. I tried to be positive about the whole thing (even all of the bad crap that has happened lately). I have tried to shrug it all off. It really didn't affect me until a few hours ago, when more bad news arrived. It was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. I just don't know how to get into the spirit and I am running out of time. Hopefully some last minute jolly-ness or hope will find it's way to me before it is too late.

Life, as of late

2010-12-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

My computer has stopped working for a while. The battery has decided to crap out on us. I don't know when, or if we will even fix it. Although, since I am using it now, maybe my husband has already solved that problem?? Don't know. Just glad to be back online, at least for a few minutes.

Today I am doing some more Christmas shopping. Because I am crazy. And because I didn't get as much done earlier as I thought. BOO! But it is mostly for the older boys in the family (brother-in-laws, brothers, uncles, etc.). So, although we don't have a ton of money (really running way to low this month!) I want everyone to get a gift just to let them know we were thinking of them and so they don't feel left out. I just don't think it is right that you know people are coming for Christmas and there won't be anything under the tree for them. It's just not right in my book. ***I also want to state here that I DO NOT believe that gifts should be the focus of Christmas but the thought of doing good for others, is my whole point!***

Anyway. We went camping last weekend, just Matt and I. It was really nice and we had a wonderful weekend. We saw a ton of animals, even 7 deer at the same time! It was really nice and we really needed to get away. I really wish we could do this all the time!! LOL

My car is also not yet done. It still needs to be painted, as of yesterday morning. But that is all good. I really didn't think, with the holidays and what not, that it would be completed by the 13th. So, it's all good. I am hoping to get it back sometime early next week.

I have also been searching for a place to rent in Gainesville, to get our credit score up. I think I might have found one. I am going to go and look at it today. So, wish me luck!

Hopefully, I will be back on here before the end of the year but, if not, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Public Property

2010-12-07T10:46:00.000-05:00

I am live again. Hopefully it won't cause the problems it did last time. Although, I still have a lot to say about all of that...I am going to keep a lid on it! Isn't censorship grand??

Anyway, I am hoping to be able to get more traffic here by being public. I don't think I should be censored or bottled up. Plus, I really enjoy knowing what others are going through in their own lives and I would like them to be able to see that they are not alone.

Here is to being able to still speak my mind without the crazies interfering.

The Real Story

2010-12-03T10:01:00.000-05:00

I have been working on Christmas things around here lately. Plus, I have been sort of depressed too. This time of year always does it to me. My birthday brings on really bad memories of loss. It sometimes takes hold of me in a "death grip" style of grief. Especially if I am menstruating when I was REALLY hoping I was pregnant. (I mentioned hysterical pregnancy right!?) So depression sets in pretty heavy. But the bleeding has stopped and so has, obviously, my "hysterical pregnancy" (I really did convince myself that I was pregnant and didn't want to accept that I wasn't- I was even willing to convince myself that the blood test results "MUST be wrong!")

I told Matt after all of that that I really didn't feel like trying again. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately want a baby, I just feel like I need to focus on something else, at least, for a month or so. So, hopefully the new year will bring about a better outlook and more opportunities for us to conceive.

On blog news, I feel like I am being censored by having a private blog. I really hate it. I really think that my blog should be out there for people who lurk and need to hear some sort of "alternative truth" (if you will) for the crap that we are fed in this county (about health, choices or raising a family). But, I also don't want to have to actually censor my thoughts in order to make it public again. Not to mention, that I am NOT going to go back and re-do or delete the "questionable content" that people were so up-in-arms about. I guess the only thing that I would have to do would be to not talk about MIL. Because, I am positive that she still searches for this blog, because, after all, she IS nosy and pretends to be interested when she really isn't (so she can use it against you when you least expect it). Is there a way to safely, without disrupting other family member ties, to distance yourself from someone? I really do feel like I need to learn this art. I literally will be standing thinking, as something is coming out of my mouth, "Why in God's name are you telling her this!?" I think I need more friends! lol I am working on that! <---See it is impossible to even mention the problem without letting out some steam! UGH!

Anyway, I am thinking about making a purely pregnancy blog, when the time comes. I really, REALLY want to be able to be out there about our choices. I think it will help others come to a better, more personal birth decision for themselves and their families. Of course, because no one (other than about 2 people) that I know will actually support me in our decision to go unassisted, it will be anonymous and not linked to this one, unless it is under "blogs I like and you might like too". So, look for me to let you know more about that too.

I am thinking the blog is going to go public sometime next week. You may get email updates, so I can keep it sort of private. We will see...

Updates:

2010-11-30T22:38:00.000-05:00

Not pregnant.
Making an Advent Calendar.
Not approved for a house loan by one point.
Looking for a rental house in Gainesville to earn our one point.
Going to be taking it easy on the pregnancy front and just see how it goes.
Not looking for anything on the pregnancy front until January.
Tried to potty train Kaine - didn't work.
Two week Christmas break is coming up, we are going to try the potty again.

Can I become Rip Van Winkle?

2010-11-23T16:54:00.000-05:00

I am really starting to get bummed out about the whole baby thing. Honestly, I am not even sure I want to keep trying. Part of me feels selfish for even wanting another baby. I feel like so many people want kids and NEVER get any and I already have one so, why in the world am I trying to be so selfish. I should be thankful for the one I have (and am) and not try to get more than I deserve (so to speak). Needless to say, after all of these HUGE pregnancy symptoms, I am spotting/bleeding. I really did feel pregnant and I am not so sure that what is happening isn't a miscarriage. Of course, there is no way to know now. SO....blah.

On top of this, my birthday is Thursday, which is also Thanksgiving. I am really not looking forward to it. I already feel like people don't want to have to deal with it. I think I just really need something to focus on me -- not pregnancy, not motherhood, not any of the crap that floats around in my head. But, I will be with people who don't understand me or birthdays and I am really starting to get down. I feel like crying about everything and I just want to give up and sleep through the whole thing.

What's been going on?

2010-11-18T08:23:00.000-05:00

I went and had a blood pregnancy test yesterday. I just told them to mail it to me. I am hoping that I get it before Thanksgiving. I was wanting to kind of make it "not such a big deal". Especially since I don't plan on telling people until, at least, Christmas. Not you guys, of course! You are my special people! I also don't want to be disappointed again. I honestly waited this long just to make sure my symptoms weren't in my head or weren't temporary or leading to some other conclusion. I would have "officially" missed my period this week. Whatever that means, seeing as how my system is anything but normal or official for that matter! So, hopefully I will have my official confirmation of pregnancy, that I will need for a birth certificate, in a few days.

In other news, one of my friends came to visit yesterday and we went to the ice cream shop in town. We all got ice cream. Then Kaine threw up all over the place. It was not awesome. And I am pretty sure the guy working in the ice cream shop is a "work release" individual. So, when I told him about the sickness he replied, "It's not my rug." (We were outside by the front door mat.) The guys is pretty nice really, until you ask him to do more than scoop ice cream. It's pretty annoying actually.

Kaine is really sick now. But really just some kind of stomach thing. He actually seems fine, other than the fact that he vomited 4-5 times last night (after a few hours of being completely fine, after the ice cream that is!) and had the worst diarrhea this morning (I am talking on his shirt and down his legs, I have never seen anything like it!!). So, now he is sitting on the couch with a double layer towel under him, eating crackers and sipping water. When I covered him with a blanket he said, "Oh, shoo-wee!" Like he was really comfortable now that he had a warm blanket, silly kid! It was really cute. I just hope it is nothing serious and that he is able to rest and keep down some fluids. Today is definitely going to be a movie day!

More on Christmas

2010-11-13T18:05:00.000-05:00

So, I was really freaking out about Christmas presents today. I don't want to spend a ton of money on the bagillion people we have on our list. But I would like it to be something special that they would actually like. (I am a big believer in the true meaning of Christmas - the generous and loving giving part - not consumerism/materialism.) I would love to just be able to make hand made gifts and everyone appreciate and be grateful that I actually put some thought into their gifts. But, alas, we don't live in such a world and I don't want to give hard work that will not be appreciated for what it really is and represents.

So, I vented to Matt that people are selfish-and-only-accept-gifts-that-cost-a-lot-of-money-and-that-they-KNOW-costs-a-lot-of-money-and-nothing-is-as-good-as-that-and-they-don't-and-won't-even-ACT-like-they-like-your-crappy-home-made-gift!! (I said I was venting, right?) Anyway, "people suck and I am going to go and make my cranberry cordial now"(!), is basically what I was thinking and I didn't have any great feelings or other prospects to give people anything. I wanted to throw in the towel and tell them to shut the F up!

So, I am making cranberry cordial. Matt is helping. Matt tastes the cranberry cordial after I do. He has the idea to give this as a gift! Brilliant! What do most people is our families do really well, well...drink, of course (lol). This really is a good gift, even if you don't have a reputation as a "drinker". (I should state here that they are not my recipes and I have not actually EVER had any homemade). So, people are getting a sampler of cordials for Christmas. These are the flavors we have so far: Cranberry, Citrus and Berry (raspberry and blackberry). Matt also made pepper vodka for his dad who really enjoys bloody Mary's. I think we really hit the mother load of awesome gifts this year and because we can do it in big batches and they will be ready at the same time, it is the easiest solution too! I can't wait to see how they come out. I am planning on decorating the tops somehow.

That's all I got for now....Happy Christmas!

Pregnancy Spread

2010-11-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

I found this spread here. I wish there was more interpretation done on it. It seem like the blogger has abandoned her blog however. I am also confused about the months in this spread and how they correlate? I am also not getting a very clear depiction or interpretation.
Here it is:

2 _ 3 _ 4

5 _ 6 _ 7

8 _ 9 _ 10

11 _ 12

1. Conception

2. Month 1 - January

3. Month 2 - February

4. Month 3 - March

5. Month 4 - April

6. Month 5 - May

7. Month 6 - June

8. Month 7 - July

9. Month 8 - August

10. Month 9 - September

11. Labor/Birth

12. Sex of child

My Cards:

1. Four of Wands Reversed

2. King of Coins Reversed

3. The high Priestess Reversed

4. Page of Wands Upright

5. Two of Swords Upright

6. Ace of Swords Upright

7. Knight of Wands Reversed

8. Eight of Swords Upright

9. Knight of Cups Reversed

10. Judgment Reversed

11. Page of Coins Upright

12. Knight of Swords Reversed

I am really thinking that the deck I am using is crap. I think I need a more traditional deck instead of the goofy one that I bought (it is a housewife tarot deck).It doesn't make much sense on some issues and seems to be downright wrong when trying to use another system to interpret a spread. Then again, I may just be really tired and not focusing on what my goal is. I am going to try and interpret this again over the next week. Any suggestions or ways of interpreting are welcome!

Christmas Presents

2010-11-12T09:56:00.000-05:00

I am in craft mode again, you know this time of year for me! The only problem is, I seriously don't know what to make for people this year. I have no idea what people would want or need. I just got into loom knitting but there is only so much knit that some people would even begin to tolerate. I am not so sure it is a good idea to even go there (I don't want to put in the work and people not appreciate it). My biggest problem is that my brother-in-laws are people I don't know really well. I have no idea what they would want or need for Christmas. I was thinking about making knitted "skull caps" but when I brought the idea up to Matt he said, "I wouldn't wear one". He tried to act like he was joking but I think there was some actual truth there. So, now I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave people out and seeing as how we are actually trying to save money, I don't want to go overboard either.

In other Christmas related news. I am planning on making an advent calendar. Via this blog. Also, Homemade by Jill is doing a Sew along project for this too (this is where I got the original idea, I just like the look of the other one - that is where Jill got her idea from!). So, I am hoping to probably get started on this today or next week when I will be needing a project to do when I am sitting up stairs (at Kaine's school) waiting for school to be over. It is actually a good time of year to be able to have 3 hour increments that you need to fill with creativity! So yea for that!

Growing a Baby(ies)??

2010-11-10T16:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am convinced that I am pregnant and it isn't hysterical! I also think that it is possible that I could be having twins too (missed a period after I had ovulated and then ovulated again). Of course, I won't know this until MUCH later! We would LOVE that.

My biggest indicators are the fact that my boobs have been achy for a week or so (usually it would come and go, this is constant). They are also bigger. I also am kinda weepy, at stupid things (things that are good and I am like "awe!" *tear*). I have noticed that I am more tired than usual too. Don't get me wrong, I am always tired, it is just more pronounced or at odd times. Like a few hours after I wake up or how by nap time I HAVE TO take a nap! Last night pretty much locked it down for me though. I seem to be able to smell everything and from far distances! Matt came in last night and was smelling like some strong smoky plant and I actually gagged! Then Kaine was suppose to be sleeping in my bed and he was actually in his daddy's aftershave (that Matt had left at baby level!) and I could smell it from the living room (until I found the mess, I thought it was that he just spilled some in the living room). Anyway, I think I am going to wait until next week and go and get a blood test (I have to have proof of pregnancy for a birth certificate and this is the most noninvasive way). So, here is to welcoming new life!!

I'm Feeling Strangely Pregnant

2010-11-09T04:59:00.000-05:00

I also feel like it is WAY WAY WAY to early to be able to tell this! But I am having some major symptoms. Like the fact that my cervix has taken up a more aerial position lately. OR the fact that I seem to want to have sex ALL THE TIME. OR the fact that my boobs have been weirdly aching and climbing under my arms (although it is NOTHING compared to the torture I went through the first time). OR that I am terribly thirsty but find myself going to the bathroom a few times an hour.OR that when I lay down my brain keeps telling me that I "really shouldn't be laying on my back and that the left side is the best position for your growing uterus" (what is THAT about, I ask you!?). But alas, we have been here before and I think I have finally given in to "waiting it out". But can you really have symptoms just a week or so after ovulating?? Or noticing, like 2 or 3 days after you had "the sex" that you were crampy and actually did spot some?? Oh confusion....
I wish there was some one, two, three way of figuring this out. A part of me also thinks that I am so hoping that I am pregnant that I am actually causing my self to have these symptoms. (Ever heard of a hysterical pregnancy? Here is a link for you to learn.) The other part of me really doesn't want to have to rely on outside sources to tell her that "yes you are pregnant" and "this is how far along you are". So, I am uber watching my body and may be manifesting pregnancy symptoms. But I can't seem to let it go.

Medical Evidence

2010-11-04T10:28:00.000-04:00

I was sent this link through someone on the UBAC website. I thought it was really informative, and actually written by people in the medical community. It is about medical errors, how drugs are approved (usually while the people testing are the ones lining their pockets by being on the approval board for said drugs!). It is worth a read, when you have the time:

Death by Medicine.pdf

I'm confused

2010-11-03T15:31:00.000-04:00

I am really confused lately. My body seems to be rebelling or something! I thought I was ovulating the last few days, but now I feel like I am about to have a period. It is so weird! I missed (sort of) my last period due to the stupid yeast/whatever infection I had. I experienced some spotting that looked like old brown blood a few days past my "expected" period (I say that bc mine are so irregular). I thought it was all over. My cervix even started to move up and I was having the urge to have sex (which usually means I am ripe). It was completely out of the way on Monday (and we did have sex). However, I have noticed this morning that I had some tinged pink discharge. My vulva is starting to feel dry again and I have patches of itchiness! What the hell?! Are we just overdoing the sex thing?? Is my diet really suck-y?? (Which I think it is! Too many sweets, lol!) Or did the tea I made (ironically to help promote fertility and support of my uterus) actually backfire? I am crampy too. I have also been a bit moody, a-la premenstrual symptoms! UGH!! Am I really going to have to wait ANOTHER month!

-Confused, frustrated, annoyed and itchy!!

Fertility

2010-11-02T15:48:00.000-04:00

I thought this was a really good and comprehensive article on natural fertility signs:
Recognizing Your Fertility Signs

Cervical Fluid

Cervical fluid is the more evident sign of impending ovulation. Estrogen is responsible for producing cervical fluid. When your period is over, you will be dry for a few days. The dry days will turn to sticky days. Dry and sticky days are known as "sub-fertile" days- or a time when your fertility is very low.

After the dry or sticky days, normal cervical fluid usually changes to watery or creamy- whitish or clear in color and very thin. This is an indicator of rising fertility- or rising estrogen in your system. Some women may only get watery or creamy cervical fluid during their peak fertility. A few women may never notice cervical fluid at all. It is a good sign if you are producing cervical fluid because it is the medium that sperm need to swim up through your cervix and into your uterus. Sperm can survive days longer in good cervical fluid.

After the watery/creamy phase, most women will start to produce a new kind of cervical fluid called "Egg White" because it resembles the color and consistency of raw egg whites. This is the most fertile kind of cervical fluid. Egg White cervical fluid is stretchy and clear, or it may have white streaks or even streaks of blood in it. Sperm live the longest in Egg White cervical fluid and the more you have the better!

Abruptly after ovulation, or even the day of ovulation, you will become dry again, or back to sticky cervical fluid. You should remain this way until your next period arrives. Many women notice a lot of creamy or watery cervical fluid before their period arrives. This is completely normal.

Sticky/Dry= Not fertile (Intercourse is not likely to increase your chances of pregnancy)

Creamy/Watery= Fertile (Intercourse will increase the chance of pregnancy)

Egg White= Very fertile (Intercourse greatly increases the odds of pregnancy)

Cervical Position

As a woman enters her fertile phase, her cervical position changes as well. This is also due to the high levels of estrogen in the body around the time of ovulation. During ovulation, a woman's cervix becomes soft (like your lips) and rises higher in the vagina. The opening of the cervix also becomes slightly larger to allow for better sperm passage. After ovulation the cervix becomes harder (like the tip of your nose) and the opening closes slightly. The cervix will remain this way until menstruation when the opening will open up larger again, but the cervix will still remain hard. After menstruation the cervix will close slightly again and not rise, become soft, or open more until the onset of increased estrogen in the beginning of the fertile phase.

When checking your cervix, always wash your hands before and after checking. Be sure you have short, trimmed nails. This form of checking your fertility is very tricky and takes time and practice to learn how to compare the changes.

Permission to reproduce granted by Winfertility, 2001. All Rights Reserved. Winfertility, a site created by Shara M. Hamshar, offers information on infertility and conception.

Kaine's Future Room

2010-10-26T12:22:00.000-04:00

I have been working on the Huckleberry Finn themed boy's room. Since we cant actually put it into action until we have our own place, I have been doing a ton of research. This has turned out to be a really good idea. Especially since I would have already done a ton of things in my excitement to get things going and it would not have turned out so well (or as well as it could be!). Anyway, this is what I am planning:

I want to make tree that looks like an oak with moss and everything. I finally found a website that would help me to do this! Go to this link to see what I am talking about: Oak Tree Project

I have also been struggling with a way to incorporate the bed in a creative way. At first I was thinking about making a raft that the bed could sit on. The more I thought about it, the more room I figured the bed would take up and I don't necessarily want it to be a major focus in the room. But I did want to incorporate some sort of white washed fence (seeing as how that is a well remembered part of the book). So, I thought I would make a headboard from picket fence! Go here to check out that link: Picket Fence Headboard also this one of a picture of the project: Picture

I also already have some cute elements for the room too. I bought two pictures that are in rustic frames from the original illustrator of the book (I am pretty sure they are copies because I seriously didn't pay that much for them. They are so cute!). I also bought an old Avon perfume bottle that looks like a little country boy with a stick fishing pole and a straw hat (complete with overalls and bare feet!). I love it! I had already had curtains that I got for a steal when we found out Kaine was a boy and we needed new decorations for his room (haha!). They are a thinnish jean and have loops (the part where they would hang from the curtain rod) that are fastened to the curtain with overall clasps. They truly are so cute (the ties are also overall straps). The only thing about them is that it looks like new jeans and I might think about fading them and maybe even putting in some patches and worn parts to make it look really "worn" in and used. That would be cute, as long as I don't destroy them!

I am sure, as time goes by, more elements will be added too. As things seem to usually happen that way. I will be able to find little nick-knacks or cute pictures or something to enhance the theme. Now all I need is a room to put it all in!!

Halloween Costumes

2010-10-26T08:43:00.000-04:00

I already made Kaine's costume, a few months ago, actually. He wore it to school and to the fall festival they had that evening. It was fun, a bit hectic, I had to go by myself (Matt was still working). I also volunteered to help in a booth but Kaine kept running away, so, you can imagine how that went. It was still fun, Kaine was over tired and really didn't want to be there at first. Then, he found the car table and didn't want to leave! The little girl trying to clean up was very relieved when I came to retrieve him! Haha!

Anyway, he now wants to be a construction worker for Halloween. (The other was a poncho style monkey costume that I made purposely to double as a "dress-up" item later on.) So, Matt and I have combed the aisles of every Halloween section of any store that dared to put one up. There are about a MILLION AND A HALF "woody and Jessie" costume's but ABSOLUTELY NO construction worker or "Bob the Builder" type costumes! What is up with that?! So, we went to Lowe's. I was really already pretty set on the whole "construction worker look" because of the birthday party. But I really wanted a safety vest to complete the look. Which, to my surprise, I could not find any fabric at Jo-Ann's to make one. We bought one that I would be able to scale down to fit him.

So, besides house hunting, going to a work party with Matt and helping my mom with a catering job this week, this is what I will be doing! Life has begun...

Pregnancy Fear

2010-10-24T23:20:00.000-04:00

So, a thought has been floating in my brain for a few days (a week, maybe?). It is this, "What if this time, I can't get pregnant as easily as the last? What if all of the 'it is going to be hard, if not near impossible, for you' crap I was fed is really going to happen this time around?" I know it is irrational. For last time, a month out from exploratory surgery (that turned up no hostile or baby unfriendly uterus) was I surprisingly and willingly with child. So, what are my fears based on this time? In a word: adhesion's. Scar tissue built up. Fibroids even. (Okay, that was way more than one word, but whatever!) None of this is confirmed. All of it once or even subtly suggested by books on the aftermath of cesarean's. All of it fear in my own mind stemming from a life brought up to believe that something ALWAYS is wrong with you; that doctors are never wrong and are people who speak and know the truth (and, of course, not to be questioned!).

The hard part, really, for me, is that these fears seem to be more deeply rooted than I had imagined or even ever thought they were. It sucks. It is an uncertainty (which I have never been good at handling) that I do not wish to carry around. I know it is unfounded. Even stupid.

I am trying to refocus my thoughts on the more positive side of things. Think things like, "You are going to be pregnant", "You know your fertile days", "Baby making is fun and a relationship strengthener", "You have plenty of time" (which may be a tad on the down side). I need more positive thoughts.

On another note, I have told Matt of my plans to have sex for 2 weeks straight. To which he replied, "I am going to hold you to that." I thought that was funny (especially since I probably won't need any encouragement and would LOVE to achieve baby glory this month!).

Contemplating birth

2010-10-22T00:27:00.000-04:00

So, I just got in all of these books. It has occurred to me that I read entirely too much about somethings. For example, I just got in "Childbirth without fear". When I read the title I spontaneously thought to myself, "I don't fear childbirth, why did I order this book?" The answer is simple, I am easily persuaded by the "in" things to get about the issues that I am interested in. Don't get me wrong, I am actually interested in reading it (although, flipping through, it seems to read pretty medically - in tone, not necessarily in actual wording). I am just surprised by how swayed I can be by other people telling me that it is a must read and that the author is an authority on such and such. Just now even, writing that last sentence it struck me as odd that I would even buy something based on someone else's perceived authority. Especially at a time when we are actually deciding to go completely against the mainstream birth authority and dig our own heels in.

I also have other news. Yet another month has passed and still no pregnancy. Although, I really thought I had conceived this month. So many different and weird things are happening to my body at this time. Unfortunately, my body plays foul tricks on me at every turn too. It is so convinced that my periods should make me act and feel pregnant, that I truly believe that our goal has been achieved. Such a sorry state to be in! I have hope that next month will be THE month. The cards told me a while back that this is to be so, although, I was not sure I believed them! They have been right on since I laid them out, however.

The plan is to wait until the day (or maybe 3 days) after my period and start having sex like crazy. (Well, crazy isn't the right word, but you get the point.) I don't really know when I ovulate, at one point I thought it was directly after my period (not unheard of) but some months it actually is in the "normal" range of 10-14 days into the cycle. So, that is my window. I am going to try and have sex for at least two weeks. Can't say that it hasn't been done before (when we were in the throws of passion as a new couple) and I am sure, if anything, it will boost the solemn sexless morale that has been festering about the house lately (due to my unfortunate vaginal sickness!) - a.k.a my husband.

It must be said, that baby sex is nothing like real sex. If anything, for me at least, it is the biggest and greatest turn on. It is the embodiment or actual joining of our two selves and thrills me to no end. I also know that Matt gets the thrill (not in that way, dirty!) because he said to me a few weeks ago (was it that long?), "I miss baby sex". Ha ha! So, hears to baby sex and more little feet running about the house!

Chief Seattle

2010-10-21T00:19:00.001-04:00

Beautiful words were never more truly spoken:

You must teach your children that the ground beneath their feet is ashes of our grandfathers. So that they will respect the land, tell your children that the earth is rich with the lives of our kin. Teach your children what we have taught our children - that the earth is our mother. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. If men spit upon the ground, they spit upon themselves.

This we know. The earth does not belong to man: man belongs to the earth. This we know. All things are connected like the blood which unites one family. All things are connected.

Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

"Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love"

2010-10-18T18:35:00.000-04:00

By: Lynn M. Griesemer

I just got in this book. So far (I am only in chapter one with the intro and preface behind me) I love it! Here is an awesome quote from the book:

How we birth is a reflection of our faith and confidence and how we approach birth is how we approach life.

Also, this quote which I would say to anyone who doesn't believe men should be allowed (or at least active) at birth. Something that I think is a major stereotype and should only depend on the man in question:

A father is profoundly influenced by childbirth. Birth is especially meaningful when he accepts responsibility for an event which has been in everyone's domain but his for over a century. There is no greater joy for a father to be the first to see, touch and hold his own child. He will instantly know that no doctor, midwife or other person should be the one to accept this new miracle in their hands.

That is definitely something I have felt from the beginning of my last pregnancy. I never thought it was fair (to the man) that the guy "gets to have the fun, the woman gets the work" side of birth. I believe it is as much his experience as it is the woman's. It is his child, after all. Yes, the woman does the work, some would argue that she is the only one that counts. In my opinion, if you are having these thoughts, that is exactly the birth you will get. If you consciously or subconsciously make it a womanly experience, there will be no room for your husband to share the experience.

Now that all of that is said, I also believe that some men can't handle birth and that they should not be involved. But to just say that "men shouldn't be at birth" (many midwives and friends have said this to me) is a generalization and an unfair statement. I say give them some power and let them experience this one in a lifetime birth (because everyone only gets one)! After all, husbands are suppose to be our biggest supporters, lovers, best friends, fathers to our children, advocates, leaders and sounding board. Why would you deny them a profound and potentially life and relationship altering experience? (Meaning that it will ultimately bring the two of you and your family closer together.)

Physical Preparation for Birth: Part 3

2010-10-14T09:17:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons we have decided to go ahead with getting pregnant is because physically I have made huge progress. I can do a complete squat (although I lean forward, more on that in a second). My posture is getting better (my shoulders are starting to set back more). I have active muscle reaction (twitching) in my shoulders, this, if I am getting it right, is a sign of repair in the form of shortening a muscle that has been stretched out of place. I am sore, however. I do feel like I have trouble breathing, at some points too. I think all of this is to be expected. After all, I am resetting the skeletal and muscular foundation of my upper body.

I have also figured out why I suck at going to the gym and working out. I get to overwhelmed with all of the different exercises. I am pretty much a "do and conquer one thing at a time" type girl. (This is pretty much true in all aspects of my life.) So, I have been taking it slow. I mastered the squat, my biggest challenge. I feel empowered to move onto my posture! I feel like now that I have achieved something big, I can do anything.

There is still more work to do. I lean forward in my squat because my hip flexors are tight. This causes my pelvis to tilt forward (if you ask me, this is one of the reasons Kaine was in a bad position at birth, something that certainly needs to be remedied if natural birth is EVER to happen for me). I also need to focus more on transverse abdominal exercises (helps support your core, back and actually holds your stomach in - not to make you look skinny but to make you have better posture and body control). This is also a good exercise for pregnancy because these muscles help support the uterus and a full term baby comfortably. Therefore, I may not have the back pain or tilting that I had previously.

God and Birth: Part 2

2010-10-12T12:26:00.000-04:00

One of my biggest revelations, if you will, lately has been to "Let Go and Let God". I feel like faith is a really hard concept for me. Let me explain what I mean by faith. Faith = the belief that God will grant you the desires of your heart if you put your fears, apprehensions, worries, joys, love and guidance in His hands. I was having a real time with the whole contradiction of believing that God has a plan and trying to control things for myself. (This does not mean to sit around and wait for God to do something. I feel like God gives US the ability to do things when His time is right.)

How does this tie into our birth plans? God has a path set out for us, it is all predetermined. I believe that, I also believe most Christians believe that. (Not to mention others who are not Christians use this type of thinking also. I believe Tarot is just another way of getting a clearer message of what is to come.) I believe we make decisions according to the plan. Meaning we have free will and are able to make decisions that determine our path (sounds contradictory but wait). God knows this and encourages it. However, God is all-knowing and knows what path we are going to choose already. Therefore, it is predetermined and, basically, is meant to be. So, in accordance with birth, what is meant to happen is going to happen, no matter where you are. Yes, I am talking mostly about death here. If I or the baby is to die, it is going to be so, no matter where I am. I get the arguments about "If you were in the hospital at least you would have covered everything and you would know for sure that you were meant to die". However, I do not think that is an absolute truth either. Do you really think if God wanted you to go that any amount of human effort, no matter what the intention, is going to stop Him from taking you? I don't think so.

Therefore, I am using this experience as a faith builder. I believe that God will give me the desires of my heart by putting my faith in Him to do so. I desire an unhindered home birth with just my family in attendance. I believe God will grant me with the right path. I believe He has made our bodies to know what they should do. I believe that by letting go of putting my faith in other people and relying on God's guidance (through intuition, ability, strength, wisdom and faith) that God will grant me with the birth that will be an all inspiring and healing experience for Matt and I.

I am also willing to accept the death of a baby (or me) if that be God's plan. I do believe that things happen for a reason and that they are learning experiences for those left behind and affected. Death makes people stronger and better people (I know this because I have come out a better person because of a serious loss at an early age). I am putting my faith in God and letting Him lead me into the path that he wants me to go. I want to be the person that I am meant to be. I feel like I am following His path.

Unassisted Childbirth: My Beliefs : Part 1

2010-10-11T19:28:00.000-04:00

Let me first start by saying we are officially trying to conceive! We are no longer waiting. Hopefully we will be able to announce something soon!

We have been talking about this for some time. I wanted to document our decision. That is what this post is about. We really do believe that midwives and even *some* OB's have their place. We just couldn't find any around here that meshed with our beliefs about birth.

Here is what I believe (since I can only speak for myself). I believe women have an inner voice that guides them. If you don't ignore it, you will be able to intercept messages that will lead you in the right way. You have to be open and ready to listen and do what it says. This is the basis of my decision to go unassisted while in "child-bed". (Of course, it was precipitated by the unnecessary c-section that I got (because people lost patience). Even though, I do believe that Kaine was in a bad position, due to unnecessary interventions prior to labor - stripping of membranes, castor oil, pitocin and on and on). Childbirth just happens. You have to give it time (something I wasn't given). I believe that if you are in your own space you will be more comfortable and able to give birth more effectively. I also believe that, for some, problems do arise and do exist. However, I do believe that being in a hospital or with a caregiver you are giving up your rights to refuse care (because you already have accepted) and fall into the "fear mongering" path. Anyway, being in your own space and in your own mind and body, in my opinion, puts you in a place to intercept problems before they become serious. You can then make informed decisions and actually choose, without pressure, what you would do.

I also happen to believe that women, who prepare themselves, can give birth without fear and without pain. Don't get me wrong, birth has pain, but it doesn't have to be all-consuming. You can master it and you can overcome the "discomfort". Preparation is the foundation for greatness. Birth can be something that is like a "rite-of-passage" (which I truly believe it is), if you are willing to let it happen.

*I believe some OB are just there to collect a paycheck and get the "wow, you deliver babies" big heads. Others, though it seems few and far between, believe in a woman's ability to birth. And even still others are there because, unfortunately, there is a need for surgical births (for a select few).

Baby Supplies

2010-10-06T21:48:00.002-04:00

Okay, Matt and I just talked about baby supplies and funds. I want to go ahead and get them while we have the money. I know, we are WAY ahead of the game! Here is what we have on the list so far:

Mabis Fetoscope
Mabis Self-Taking Blood Pressure Cuff
Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year
Emergency Childbirth: A Manual
Puppy pads (chux)
Cord Clamps (2)
Umbilical Scissors
Bulb syringe
Mattress pad
Lube
Hot Water Bottle
Foot printer with Certificate
Unassisted Childbirth
Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love
The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth
Ina's May's Guide to Breastfeeding
The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth
Active Birth
Birthing from Within
Childbirth without Fear
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

A ton of books, mostly. I think most of the other stuff I will get as I go. What else do you think I should have? The only thing annoying me is that I feel like I am leaving off something HUGE from this list. But, it isn't like I don't have more than enough time to remember what it is and find it! Let me know if you have any suggestions! I am open to anything you think will help.

Things Kaine says:

2010-10-01T12:07:00.000-04:00

Taken dressed. (To get dressed)
That in perfect.
That in awful.(Pretty much anything where you would say "is" is usually an "in")
Lube you! (Love)
5...4...3...2...1...Blast on!
Ornchen (Oranges or the color orange)
Ice cream truck (Ice cream cone or cup)

I am sure there are more. I will try and add more when I remember them. He is talking in sentences now, so it is hard to keep up sometimes!

Preschool Days

2010-09-29T13:37:00.002-04:00

I am amazed at how much Kaine has changed over the last month. School has seemed to make him more independent in play. He is so inventive. His imagination is amazing and awesome! Which I am very glad about, it was one of my biggest issues - you gotta have imagination! But, then again, this is the time when "cognitive development" booms. So, it may be just one thing or the other or both together.

He is doing much better with the drop-off issue too. I had a talk with the school director and was given a book about separation anxiety. We were able to come up with a plan that works for everyone. We decided (Matt and I, after talking with the school) that taking Kaine on Friday's would probably be helpful, because he was only going Monday and Wednesday. We thought that the gap between Wednesday and Monday was too big. It seemed to help right away. I took him in on Friday (almost didn't-I thought the change in rooms and teacher would make it worse). He barely cried when we walked in and as soon as they closed the half-door behind him he was all about playing. Monday and today he whimpered about not going when we got on the street where the school is but as soon as I parked he would say, "I get out. Play kids." Which I thought was VERY encouraging. Today I purposely took him in a little after nine to see if it would be easier to leave him if other kids were there (I had been having a horrible time with timing the drive and seemed to always be 10-15 minutes early- this increased anxiety because we were sitting there staring at the building and I was talking about going in and leaving him). So, leaving him was really good this time. I walked in and dropped him off with the teacher, gave him a hug and told him I would be back in a little while, "Go and play with the kids" type of leaving. Then turned and walked out, purposely not lingering (I had been making the mistake of staying, for my own comfort, to make sure he was not traumatized). He did wonderfully, a little clingy at the hug point and a few whines but as soon as I got to the sign-in table I couldn't hear him at all (the table is right next to his classroom door).

Pick-up today was good too. I was the first one there, finally. (I thought that being the first would help to not prolong the pick-up crying.) It turns out I was right. He wasn't crying when I went to the door, there was another, new kid, crying (I thought those cry's were covering Kaine's). He was just playing, however, as soon as he saw me he started to cry (I really would like to know the physiology behind this-he has always done this, as little as 6 months old).

All-in-all we had a really good day. I am glad that he is able to be away for a few hours and have new experiences. He seems to have really grown by it. He can walk up and down small steps by himself now. He asks for help (something we have been working on). He will say, "Need help". He also says, "Kaine's turn" when he wants to play with something that I have or wants a new toy from someone else (this is also something I have always said to him, after demonstrating a toy or trying to engage him in play). I am glad to see that he has been listening and that the lessons that I hoped he was learning are now being used in the proper manner. I also asked him what he did in school today and he said, "I shared", which was a really cute and nice answer to get!

Laying the Right Foundation

2010-09-27T18:32:00.000-04:00

I absolutely have not been feeling well lately. I have actually been sick since Saturday afternoon and am currently trying to get over a wicked sinus infection or cold (?). But I have also felt like I am really isolated from everyone. I really want to be a good friend, partner, mom and whatever else I am suppose to be, I just don't want to sacrifice any of "me". I am currently looking for a compromise situation. Something that will make me happy and help with the relationships in my life. What I got going now, doesn't seem to be working. (However, a part of me wants to scream that people also need to give a little and be willing to see my side of things - which, truthfully, seems to be what I am struggling with).

Things I would like to achieve:

Be a better friend
Be a better do-er
Organize (thoughts, possessions, chores...)
Help develop a well rounded individual
Set and REACH goals
Be nicer
Compromise more
Do things for the greater good
Learn to appreciate people for who they are, not what I expect them to be
Be less open (emotionally)
Set a good example
Lay the right foundations
Ask for help
Appreciate help
Grow, mend and give back

Lot's of things to work on. At least Matt and I are back to normal. I even can't wait for him to be around and, lately, have REALLY been wanting to cuddle (so not me!). But, of course, I have been sick and I tend to get that way when I am not feeling too great. (But there is also the this very important issue of not making the bread winner sick *wink*).

I just want you to know that if you have been feeling the cold shoulder lately, things are on the up-and-up. The Sun is coming out!!

TV Article

2010-09-23T14:46:00.000-04:00

I found the following article about exposing your kids to media. I thought it made some pretty good points. I was pretty much like "Kaine will never watch TV or have it on constantly". I have pretty much failed because I love the songs that he learns and, not to mention, all of the educational tools that PBS provides. (We are big on PBS around here.) I still do think that he is way over exposed, but I also think that it has it's place. He also loves to read books and is well tended to during the day. The TV does not act like an "electronic babysitter". So, everything in moderation with wise choices and parental supervision is my (complicated) motto. Here is the article:

Turnoff Week, formerly Turn-off TV Week and now in its ninth year, calls for people around the world to turn off their electronics, disengage from digital media and take a moment to think, read and create. It's an important message, but one that is far too simplistic. If we simply turn off for a week, what will change? Will that help us make better choices about how our families use media?

The reality is that media consumption is increasing for kids, across many platforms, including television, web, videogames and mobile. It's critical to consider not only the amount of time kids are spending with these screens, but what kind of experiences they are having when they are watching, surfing, playing and socializing. Instead of challenging families to simply flip the switch off, we need to help parents make informed decisions about what gets turned on -- because the right media choices can make a difference in helping children reach their full potential.

Moderation is an important part of the solution, but we should not forget that media companies producing for children bear the responsibility of creating content that engages, entertains, challenges and educates children. Thoughtful, well-produced and researched media is readily available and the evidence that it can support childhood education is well documented. We know from research by the University of Pennsylvania at Annenberg that media that is carefully designed can be a boon to kids' learning. For example, watching as few as two episodes of the PBS KIDS series Super WHY! resulted in children scoring 46% higher on standardized tests than children who did not watch the show. And it's not just on TV -- another recent study found vocabulary improved by as much as 31 percent in children who played with an iPhone application based on the PBS series Martha Speaks. Media has the power to open doors for children, encouraging their natural curiosity and sparking creativity. Let's work together to maximize the quality of the time our kids spend with screens, to help them reach their highest potential.

Lesli Rotenberg is Senior Vice President of Children's Media at PBS, and a mother of two media-savvy daughters.

Relationships

2010-09-23T08:41:00.001-04:00

After Matt and I's upsetting and surprising talk we have been doing tons better. So much so, that it feels like it did when we were dating (or first married!). Such a plus. I think the turning point, for me, is that I got to see how upset he would be if I did leave. I think I needed to see it, not just know it, you know? (I am a freak!) I didn't want to upset him (I really didn't think it would) but benefited, literally overnight, by his emotional outburst. I was having a problem connecting with him because I felt that he was just doing things to make me happy, not stuff he wanted to do (did that make sense?). I am even able to be more affectionate now! This is HUGE for me! HUGE, I tell you! I love it and hope that we continue to outwardly love each other! Kaine, I believe, would benefit too.

Okay, now for my preschool stuff. I think I am making Kaine have anxiety attacks. I try and hide my anxiety about dropping him off. Which is brought on by a cycle of things. I anticipate that he is going to be upset, therefore, I get anxious. In turn, he gets anxious because we are well bonded and he can read me like a book! Why do I feel like this? Because he is hysterical when I drop him off (with pounding heart and all). They tell me (and even took pictures) that he is perfectly fine all day. When I come to pick him up he is crying again (I have yet to be the first parent to pick up, so Kaine starts to cry when the other kids leave). But he does tell me about his day and says that he has fun. I just think he is anticipating me leaving and my feelings about him being upset. The good thing is, although he cry's when I drop him off he is getting better while I am away. He whined a little bit the first few days, yesterday he didn't cry at all. Good news to me. Plus, I had a conversation with his teachers and told them I was conserned that they were not doing enough to engage him. I told them that they couldn't just tell him "to stop crying" they had to do something about it. The older teacher took him under her wing and made him her "special helper". She said he was really helpful (I could have told her that, lol!) and that he did really well. Before this, all of the feedback I was getting was, "He did fine". SO, not good enough! But, it seems to be on the up-and-up. I just have to figure out how to handle the emotional outbursts without damaging Kaine's and I's relationship or damaging his image of school (something he will probably have 20+ years of).

Working the Grape Vine

2010-09-21T09:55:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been in a very big crafting mood. Fall brings it on, never fails! This is the time of year I like to call "craft season". So, before 9am this morning what was I doing? I was outside, of course, pulling down grape vines! (If you know anything about me, you got the sarcasm in that sentence!) I was randomly reading "Country Wisdom" and came upon grape vine baskets and wreaths. I have further been inspired by my Google search on grape vines. I then thought, "Hey! My yard is overrun with wild grape vines!" The only reason I would even think of pulling the vines down are because there is an overabundance and it won't hurt the eco-environment that I am currently in. They grow back really fast. (Now that that hippie moment is over. It really has more to do with my Native American blood than anything else.)

So, I have many plans. I want to make a few natural wreaths. A few small grape vine pumpkins. A Christmas tree (because I like to have real trees but don't actually like to pay for them! Hence, the Charlie Brown tree we cut down last year). Also anything else that I can come up with. Maybe some small ornaments or something to give as gifts? Or keep? Or even sell? I don't know. I tend to like my creations too much! LOL This site has a lot of wonderful ideas (and things for sale!).

I also am going to be on the lookout for wild grapes. We assumed that they fruited in the summer, but they are fall fruiting plants. I just have to wait for the leaves to turn yellow. I also have to hope that the millions of birds around don't eat them all (I just want a few!).

Well, I am off to check out some more things to do with grape vines!!

2010-09-16T08:38:00.001-04:00

I am finally feeling like myself again. A lot of stress has been lifted off of me. Here's the list:

I'm not pregnant
I can still try and lose weight
The methods of how I was losing weight are not going to be affecting a baby
Matt and I are finally connecting
I am not holding anything back from Matt

Things still to do:

Have a civilized conversation with Matt's mom about the rumors she has heard about my blog

(yeah, and you read that right. She hasn't even read my blog! She was just told all of this stupid stuff (some of which is not even on here!) But she has taken it for truth. She refuses to come and talk to me about it. She is being really petty and prolonging something that could have been well on the mend.)

Anyway, I am starting to feel better about things. I am happy that I am able to go and continue with my weight loss. I really do want to be a lot smaller before I get pregnant. You already have to have all of this weight put on you when you are pregnant and I don't want to be carrying around too much extra. So, now I am thinking that I would like to wait until January to get pregnant. I know right, always changing my mind! LOL But I figured if we start about that time it would:

Give me even more time to lose weight
I could get into better shape (especially posture wise)
The baby would not be due until October (pretty much my favorite month!)
That would also make a good month because no one's birthday is near there (except for Jordan's at the end of the month)

So, here's to happy times coming up!

Rumor mill

2010-09-15T10:17:00.001-04:00

I am feeling really bad about what I posted earlier. I just thought he was ready to hear my side of things. I don't know how to fix it. I don't believe in giving in. I just want everything to fix its self. I feel like I am back in high school and I said something that went against the grain and it got turned into a rumor and now everyone hates me and doesn't even know what the real story is.

I don't know what to do.

The truth seems to hurt others

2010-09-15T09:10:00.000-04:00

It turns outs that even the people you think you can tell the horrible truth to, actually don't want to hear it anyway. My life is total crap right now. On ALL fronts. (Well, except for Kaine, he is my only joy. And, for my family, for once there is not drama there).

I use this blog to get my true feelings out. Mostly because I have a problem expressing myself (well, not really but I have a problem getting my actual point across). I don't understand why everyone thinks that this little thing is such a big deal. I feel like I am surrounded, on all sides, by inconsiderate and selfish people. No one seems to value my opinion (or truth about my feelings). It turns out, that no one really wants to know what I am thinking and feeling. They just want me to pretend everything is okay.

I understand that people try to provide the right world. But at what cost are you trying to keep up your pretenses that everything is grand? I guess when all of your needs are being met and you are truly the master of your own choices and can do whatever you like, you really are happy. Maybe I am just feeling a little too dependent.

I told Matt that we no longer have an emotional connection. I asked him what he thought about this, to which he respond with angry tears. I was totally disappointed. I don't think he got the point, AT ALL. If he did, that would not have been his answer. What I was saying is this:
We don't have an emotional connection. I feel like I like you as a person, but I don't "like you, like you". I also said that the state of where we are is like when you are dating someone for a while and it is no longer there. You aren't mad, you just know it is time to move on. You will still like the person after you are done with the relationship but, it just didn't work out. I said that if we weren't married it would be really easy for me to walk away. (It sounds harsh, but in the context of the conversation this is where we were going.)

I was saying this in order to get it out so we could work on this aspect of our relationship. I am pretty pissed off that the realization of these words were met with shock, anger and unrestrained emotion (which isn't really an issue). But it proves my point too. The fact that that was his reaction proves that he has no idea what is going on in my life. He hasn't taken any emotional stock for a while. Surely, he can't think I am happy. I can't stand that he seems to have a shallow outlook on life (like work is all for him- more on this later). He likes what I stand for (with some exceptions) but doesn't really stand for anything himself. He just lets everyone else make the hard decisions. I understand he has a lot on his plate. He provides EVERYTHING for us. I am grateful for this. I don't think he believes this, however. I do the best I can do.

A part of me feels like his job, one that he loves (which I am happy about and don't even want to say what I am thinking) is just shallow and vain. A lot of it is how I see myself. I have a horrible body image problem (I have since I was a teenager). I feel pressured into fitting into a mold (even though most people there don't care what the trainers spouses look like, I know of at least one that looks like I do). I just feel like it is another aspect of something that is coming between us. This is COMPLETELY my fault. I understand that. But, I tend to take it out on him. I know he loves his job and I hate that I even feel like this and that it ruins his image for me. Insecurities truly suck. I wish I could turn it off. I am sorry for the way this makes me look at Matt and I am ashamed of myself. I can't take joy in anything that he cares about because I feel so insecure about even talking about personal training and the way people are suppose to look (for health). I feel like I represent everything that is wrong with the people who don't care about what they look like. Let themselves go, if you will.

Whatever...I am done with this for the day. Probably more to come later.

Why the Privacy

2010-09-13T00:24:00.000-04:00

As you have noticed, my blog is now private. I didn't want to do this, but unfortunate events have lead to this unfortunate outcome. I have snoopers, in other words. People who don't really care about what I say, they just want to take what I say (to the people I say it about) and spread it around for their own amusement. Therefore, things have been taken out of context and used to humiliate others. Completely not the point of my blog (which, as it turns out, I thought no one read-I would rather no one read it if this is to be the outcome!).

My blog is about me. In raw form. I have to have a safe place to vent out my personality. I have to be able to say whatever I want to say, no matter how cruel, hurtful, honest, funny, lovable or whatever that it might come out to be. If I don't, I will go crazy.

I was not out to get anyone. I will not apologize. If you took what I said and made it something, that is your problem. Out of respect for myself and my blog I have made it private. I don't want to have to defend what I write. That is not the point. I have not done this to say sorry or make amends. I believe it will be used as a source of evil if it is allowed to be dragged into the petty realms of others. I will not allow this!

I am sorry to my blog, however. You were never suppose to be a pent-up animal. A part of me wanted people to be able to read my words and see where I was coming from. A true look, into myself, if you will. Well, people have used it as a tool to hurt others and have not considered where I was coming from-not even in the slightest! I am truly offended. I am glad the truth (of how I feel) is out there (even though it should have never been out there like that in the first place-if you were actually reading what you were using as your weapon of destruction you would have known that!).

It all comes down to the fact that people are petty. You can't trust them, after all. If you show your true colors, people will attack you. No matter what you point of view is or is meant to be. (I am not sure I truly believe that second statement, but I do feel like I have been attacked. I do not feel like there was any true cause. I feel like a weapon that people have used to damage another.)

So, Pregnancy

2010-09-12T09:45:00.000-04:00

***First let me say that I apologize for the last post. You didn't need that in your life!***

So...here we are again. I think I might be pregnant. Of course, I have thought this more than once. (You can do the leg work and look up old post, lol!) Anyway. I have been tracking my period for close to a year now. I have not seen any real pattern in the madness of said cycle. However, I never miss two periods in a row. And, according to my 30+ day cycle, I would have missed my second one on Tuesday (I have an every-other-cycle). Plus, I am really moody (not that the people in my life really help that!). I keep feeling pretty tired in the evenings (I want to go to bed at like 7pm every night, lol).

The weird thing is, my boobs don't really hurt all that much. They are just achy, off and on. They were super painful the first time around. So much so (after a million prego tests that were negative) I went to the doctor and had a breast exam and a poking around of my lymph nodes (don't even get me started on the horrible experience that that was!). I am really thirsty too. Not that I think that has anything to do with my boobs. Matt also says that my girlie parts "feel pregnant". When asked to elaborate he says, "more swollen". Which I have noticed too (a very pregnant sign for me!). TMI Alert- also, I have been extra moist lately. So much so that when I get up from sleep that I have to immediately go to the bathroom so I don't make a mess. That sounds like I exaggerated, it's not really that bad, just noticeable when it otherwise was not before.

My biggest indicator, other than no period, would be the heaviness that I am feeling in my uterus parts. Although, I have been chalking that up to pre-menstrual symptoms. Which could be what I am feeling with the rest of my symptoms, as well. But, this feels different. I don't know, I have said that before also. Plus, I don't have any of the other "medical" signs of pregnancy. Like these: Goodell's sign, Chadwick's sign, Hegar's sign or Ladin's sign (not that this one would be something that I could determine myself anyway).

Matt said I should go and get a blood test. I have taken over the counter tests. But, we all know what good that does for me. So, I don't know if I am going to or not. I wanted to wait until the end of September to make sure I am not going to be having a period. But, I really feel pregnant (and nauseous, but not to bad). So, I don't know still.

Fuck Off

2010-09-11T12:17:00.000-04:00

I am so sick of people telling me what I can and cannot do. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! I have my own life, go get yours.

I think I have finally hit my breaking point. I really AM quite ready to give it to the first person that walks into my path looking for a fight. I WILL give it to the next person to walk into my path looking for a fight!

I am SO done being this person that is suppose to be all "turn the other cheek" and "do it for the greater good". Well, this is what I have to say about that:

FUCK YOU!!!

Now that I have that off my chest, yes, I do feel better!

Kaine's 1st Day of Preshool Pictures

2010-09-10T14:26:00.002-04:00

I know I don't usually post pictures but this background was to cute to pass up. Here is a smattering of pictures from Kaine's first day of Preschool!
I don't know why it is showing those other two pages on there first, just go to the last page and you will see the pictures. I tried to fix it, but apparently, I have no idea how to do that!

First Day of Preschool

2010-09-08T16:57:00.001-04:00

Today was Kaine's first day of preschool. He goes to the First United Methodist Preschool downtown on 1st Street. I think there are only like 5 other kids in his class, which is nice. He goes from nine to noon. He was really excited about it. I have been talking to him about it for weeks now. Even went to the library and got all of the "back to school" books that they had on the shelf. I started telling him last night that I was going to drop him off at school and "Kaine is going to stay and Mommy is going to go bye-bye. Okay?" I wasn't sure he got it the first time. By the second (or was it third?) he was saying, "Okay, Kaine stay and Mommy go bye-bye". Which was great. I still didn't really think that he got what I was talking about.

So, now comes the day to put it to the test. We got there early, because I thought there was going to be traffic and there was not. So, we were 30 minutes early. But, they have a really great park right across the street and we played with the other kids that were waiting for school to open. When nine rolled around we headed for the building. Kaine was really impatient to go inside and didn't like waiting in the line for them to open the door (they lock the door before, during and after school). When the door was open, Kaine was fussing about going into the class room. As Matt and I signed him in, he made his own way through the crowd to his classroom (which he remembered where it was!). By the time we got there (a few moments later) he had already made his way to the carpet and pulled down the big truck toy. He was completely carefree. Matt and I considered just backing out (after telling the staff how to use cloth diapers, lol). But, I didn't want him to look up and we be gone and then he not want to go to school anymore (because, after all, Mommy and Daddy disappear when I go in this room). That would be tragic! So, we walked over to him and gave him a kiss and a hug and told him bye. He barely moved and quickly went right back to playing with his toy truck.

Surprisingly, I was fine this whole time. I did have some butterflies when I was driving in to town. But I knew that I had prepared him and that I was prepared to leave. I was glad that he really did seem to be ready for this day and was excited for it to finally be there. When I left the building, this is when it hit me. I felt instantly lonely! I started to cry. Not to bad, I kept it in check. It was still a big step for me. I think I might have actually lost it if Matt wasn't there (I was embarrassed and he helped me pull it together!).

I went and worked out at the gym and took a shower. Got some gas and an iced mocha from a Starbucks that I passed (because I had time to kill). I was even able to sit outside for a while at the Starbucks, it was pretty nice to have some time to myself. Then I headed back to get Kaine. It ended up that I can't tell time and was there 30 minutes early! I thought I would be right on time. Anyway, I waited until I saw the director open up the door for the school until I got out of the car. Apparently, other parents were early too and Kaine was one of the last ones to be picked up. As soon as I walked into the door I heard him crying from the main door. He was saying, "I wan to go bye-bye!". He had seen all of the other kids leaving and didn't understand what was going on. Poor guy. I talked to the teacher and she said he did fine. They did have some trouble with the diapering situation but, are willing to work with it. (Bless them!) So, next week will be a full week for him (two whole days!). I think he will do just fine.

This is what Kaine says they did at school today (as he said it):

Play toys
Ready "Book Story"
Play Sand
Eat yummy snack
Sing and Clap (to which he kept saying, "Mommy sing song!")
Have juice

He also came home with a sticker, which he kept pointing out. It was too funny!

Some of the issues: Explained

2010-09-06T16:30:00.001-04:00

Okay, well I feel like I am in a better place now and can talk about things more clearly. Over the last month, more things than I have energy to explain here, have happened. I was trying to be the bigger person and not just react to situations and blow up. (I honestly think I should be commended for this, since, it is seriously one of my biggest weakness!).

I think I have finally made a decision about midwifery school. I have decided not to go. I am not sure if this is going to be a permanent decision or not. I might come back to it later in life. I have decided that I really want a family oriented job and one that will still allow me to be with my kids while they are growing (you only have so much time, after all). So, I think, and I say this with much trepidation, that I am going to go back to teaching. I think my biggest issue with all of this is 1) I know I can be an awesome midwife and change lives and push the rules, 2) I have a bad history with "normal" education, 3) When I was in the teaching program before, my heart wasn't in it (it almost bored me to tears). However, on further review I have decided that this is what the good points in this career would be:

I will be away from my kids for approximately the same time they have to be away from me every day.
I will have summers off (when they are out of school too)
I can possible teach at a private school and therefore, get a tuition break
It will be a schedule that I can change with the age of my children (if they are in preschool then I can teach preschool and work half days. When they are all on 8-3 days I can work that too)

So, I still feel guilt about not being a rebel midwife and challenging the position of the current birth climate in Florida. But, like I said, there is always time later. Just because I am older, doesn't mean that I can't change my career.

Signs of Depression

2010-09-01T11:37:00.000-04:00

I feel really conflicted lately. I don't really know what to do about it. I need to make some major decisions and I really don't want to. These are life changing decisions that effect more than just me. I really don't even know what to say about it. All I do know is that this sitting around and doing nothing about it is only making it worse.

I think a big part of me feels like a failure. Like I have been down this road so many times and I really am tired of coming back to this path. I am afraid of what people are going to say or worse are thinking (which is making it worse because I like to think that what other people think of me just doesn't matter - which, apparently, isn't true).

It also doesn't help that I have people in my life (MIL) that think they know what is best for everyone and want to control everything! I am just so frustrated with everything. I am not being myself. I want to tell people off and I am holding back because I feel like it just isn't my place. Plus, I don't want to put strain on relationships that have been really helpful to us and (unfortunately) we are going to need down the road.

Most of the time, lately, I just want to scream or cry or just plain hide. This is not even remotely good for me - I am prone to depression. I just am not sure what to do. I need some support. But, I don't know where to look. I think, mostly, that it is something (or things) that I just have to deal with. What I really want is for someone to tell me what to do. Then I can say, "Okay, I will do that". But, of course, then you give up any type of creative control and are subjected to judgment and unnecessary criticism.

I really just don't know what to do. I know this message was cryptic, I will try to explain more about the details of the decisions that I am trying to make in a later post. *Sigh*

Breastfeeding Tips Wanted

2010-08-30T12:42:00.000-04:00

I really want some good ideas about making breastfeeding tops. I have been thinking about it lately, a lot. I think my biggest hang-up last time was that I didn't want to spend a ton of money on nursing gear but didn't really have anything to nurse properly in public places. (Especially since Kaine DID NOT want his head covered!) I really like the style of the Momzelle line of clothing. But, seriously, $50 for a tee-shirt? No thanks!

I also really like the nursing tanks that Target sells. The Gillian & O' Malley ones. They are greatly priced and convenient to buy. The only real problem with them are that they are not really outer wear (for me anyway, I could see some super skinny new mom wearing them as outer wear, but I wouldn't be able to pull it off. Also, they are a little on the lower cut side of things and I feel like too much skin is being revealed). I was thinking about using this as a base, under clothes and with out a bra, because they are basically built-ins. So, that would be a good option, I guess, with a tee shirt or something.

I guess what I really need is for someone to fill me in on all of the good, bad and ugly about breastfeeding clothes. Any input? Any tried-and-true things that you have discovered?

Righteous Anger?

2010-08-27T12:28:00.000-04:00

Because I am trying to turn the other cheek and not stir things up (for once. Does that mean I am finally an adult?) you get to hear all of the terrible and horrible and annoying and mean things that people do in my life.

I don't think it is very nice when you plan to go out-of-town for your son's birthday. Plan a fishing trip and invite your other kids along. (OK, we were invited too.) Things have happened, for one, Matt didn't want to go because he felt like it was a cop-out move. (Because his dad has to go for a conference and it was more of a "oh yeah, why don't you guys come. Oh, we will plan something too." By plan, I mean this happened only 5 days ago). Another thing is, Matt has to be in a meeting all day tomorrow (10-4) and couldn't get out of it (therefore, even if he wanted to go, he wouldn't be able to).

So, I wanted to fix things. I decided to plan a small party. I invited his brothers and only a few set of his friends. Well, no-one had really gotten back to me about it. Then, about an hour ago (11:30am) I get a call from MIL. I knew what was coming. "We feel really bad", "If we didn't already have this planned...", "If we didn't have to go..." (which, I must say, the only person that HAS TO GO is his dad! NOT anyone else). Whatever, I thought. I was trying not to sound annoyed, I am sure I failed. I was trying not to give her the satisfaction of knowing she was getting under my skin (she seems to be able to do this quite a lot lately). I was busy anyway, making meat pies, and didn't really have time to hear all of her excuses. So, I tried to just focus on what I was doing and sound busy (I think she got the point!).

Anyway, what really annoys me is this: His brothers were just invited to go on like Wednesday! After I had sent out secret invites to come to the party. Let me ask you this, would you not be pissed off that people (no family!) blew off your birthday to go on a fishing trip??? The only good thing about this, however, is the fact that Matt didn't know I was planning anything. I am planning on making his day really special anyway. It is not about them. That is why I am writing this! I just want it out of me, so I can move on and not worry about all of their stupidity!

Seriously though, I now get why Matt hates his birthday. Feeling like second rate doesn't make it a very special day. Talk about selfish!

Potty Training

2010-08-26T12:12:00.001-04:00

I really feel like potty training is right around the corner. Kaine came out of his video room twice yesterday, stark naked running for the potty. The first time, I was absorbed in something, and heard him take his potty out and say, "I go pee-pee in potty!" To which I replied, "Want me to...where did your diaper go?" He shrugged in reply (this is a new answer, I don't know where it came from, but it really is quite cute). The second time was pretty much the same. That time, I sat beside him and read the books that we got at the library (about going to school) to encourage him to sit there for more than 10 seconds. We got through 4 books (board books) but no pee. I really think he is realizing now that he is peeing into his diaper. I think that is why the diaper gets ripped off and he comes running to the potty. The diaper is always peed in and there is never any pee in the potty. I am encouraged though. Especially after the day or so I spent trying to potty train him with no success. So, I am not going to rush it. It seems like this is something he is becoming comfortable with on his own. Looking back at all of the adjustments we have tried to make with Kaine, it has become quite apparent that nothing is going to change until he is quite ready for it to change anyway. No matter what we do. So, slowly we will be encouraging his use of the potty, whenever he decides he wants to use it.

I am thinking, however, that once he starts pre-school in two weeks, that he will be more convinced of how to potty. He will be able to see the other children doing it (the ones that can, that is) but will not be rushed into learning. I think I will talk to the teachers and see if they will allow him to watch the other children using the potty (he watches Matt now). This, I believe, will help to jump start the process in his mind. It is one of the things that helps him now. When he is acting like he wants to go we say, "Go pee like Daddy". To which he holds himself and and stands, kind of leaning toward the potty. Of course, nothing has happened just yet. (Matt did say, the first night we tried the potty again, that when I went off Kaine started to pee and Matt directed him to the potty and he got a little in. I missed it! Matt gave him praise and then told me about it. I praised Kaine, to which he showed immediate delight!). Progress will be slow but positive.

Not feeling like blogging

2010-08-23T21:36:00.000-04:00

I have been super depressed lately, about a ton of things and don't feel like blogging. I have a lot of things on my mind, as of late. Hopefully, I will be back in the swing of things when I can settle my inner debate, get Kaine off to school without a hitch, get the MIL under control and figure out when and if with baby number two.

On a good (sort of) side note. I have been blood free now for 41 days. This is, of course, following the 3 months worth of bleeding. So, maybe it is just me losing weight that is throwing it off or my normal, not-so-normal menstral cycle rearing it's ugly head again (I was becoming pretty regular there prior to the 3 month bleed) or maybe I am pregnant.

On another side note. I was sitting on the couch yesterday, reading or watching something, and I had this overwhelming feeling of life in my uterus. Or a stirring of some sort. My initial reaction was, "Oh, hello new life". But, as it often happens, I figured it could also just be my uterus gearing up for the monthly. So, I am sure, either way, we are bound to find out soon.

A Discussion

2010-08-19T13:27:00.000-04:00

I am thinking about having a conversation with my mother-in-law about boundaries. I am not really sure how to go about it. Especially since I have been warned of an upcoming conflict. So...

I feel like she is over stepping her bounds. I do not appreciate the way she comes about things. She tends to just do stuff (because she is bothered by it) and not care how it makes anyone else feel. Instead of coming to a problem and talking about it, she takes it into her own self and makes a solution that she is happy with (without concern for others or what they would have wanted or liked). Or so, to me, it seems.

My biggest issues are:
Taking over with Kaine (in my presence)

she talks over me when I am talking to him
she undermines my authority
she will give him things (such as juice and junk food) knowing I do not like it
she will come in and pick him up when he is being talked to about his mistakes (or being disciplined-while I am talking to him)

She butts into Matt and I's relationship

She is constantly telling us to be nice
When we are having a discussion, she tells us to stop and act a certain way
She tries to control what we say and do (like we are her kids, not a married couple)
She puts herself into a position of power, so that Matt has a hard time of making his own decisions
She is nosy and wants to know things that she has no right to know

Personally:

She is nosy
She takes over my house
She takes over my child
She thinks she can say whatever she wants, whenever she wants
How she pouts about not getting her own way (this I won't bring up, it is just a valid point)

I am wavering

2010-08-17T09:24:00.000-04:00

I am not so sure about Midwifery school anymore. After talking to that last midwife, she has gotten into my head and made me consider some really serious stuff. I was really angry about it, at first. Especially since I didn't share her philosophy about birth. Therefore, everything she said to me was automatically discredited. But, I did have to ask myself why it was bothering me so much. (I just couldn't let it go!)

The problem is this:
She brought up that being a student (and a midwife) takes you away from your family (which I had considered). I didn't really realize, until talking to her, how much of my life (and my families lives) would be affected by my decision to become a midwife. I can honestly say that I am not comfortable with the time that I would have to give away. The whole point of my being a mom is to stay home and take care of my children (without any assistance, or very little). How am I going to do that when I would constantly be on call and leaving my family at a drop of a hat? I can't do that. That is not the type of life I want to live.

So, I think I have made the decision to not go to midwifery school after-all. Maybe later in life, when my kids are older and I wouldn't feel as bad about leaving them. I think, I am going to go back to education and finish my already started degree. At least this will give me a schedule that would allow me to raise my kids. Also, if I decided to go in as a private school teacher, I may be able to get tuition for free or nothing at all.

I have not made an actual decision on whether I am going back to teaching or not. A lot of things depend on each other in order to make this happen. I have to do more work and figure out if it would, indeed, be a good thing for us to consider. Here's to a new journey.

Worst Weekend EVER!

2010-08-16T21:48:00.002-04:00

I had unexpected house guest this weekend. Much to my dismay my mother-in-law invited herself (and her house guest over) I thought it was only going to be for one night (which I was completely fine about). NOPE! It turned out to be the ENTIRE weekend. Starting off with a shopping spree in St. Augustine.

This is how it went. We were talking about her guests coming. She asked if I wanted to go to the Outlets in St. Augustine (to get school clothes for Kaine). I said that would be a good idea. She showed up (an hour late) on Friday. Then informed me we were going to the beach too. I was completely unprepared for that. I had to run around and find Kaine's beach stuff. I didn't even bother to pack any of mine.

We went shopping. (I found out later the girls she had as house guest only thought we were going to the beach. So, we were both fooled!) Anyway, the trip was okay. I was left everywhere I went and even spent the majority of the shopping completely by myself (with Kaine, of course). I was told to meet them places that they said they were and after waiting around they didn't show up. I decided that if they were going to be rude to me that I would just get going with my own shopping and then meet them when they were ready to go. (I have a baby with me after all! They don't tend to take to waiting for other people!) So, as I was going to my last shop which was completely out of the way of where they said they were going to be. Here comes mom-in-law around the corner (opposite of where she said she was!) and says "Oh, here you are. I thought you were at the other store!" To which I rudely (and deservedly replied) "I was!" She followed me in the store but made sure to make it apparent that we were surely not together. Whatever!

We then went on to the beach. It was hot. I was not dressed for it. The water was REALLY cold and it was crowded. (There was a kids group there, kinda like a summer camp on a field trip.) Kaine enjoyed himself. That was good. I was ready to go within 30 minutes. I walked back up the beach to get water from the concession stand and hid in the car to cool down. I also called Matt. I decided to try and make it fun and bought some bubbles and an ice-cream for Kaine and walked back down the beach. It was better and, by then, everyone was ready to go.

Next came the, "Do you mind if we come back to your place?" Which, at the time, I didn't. I did, however, have this sense of dread about not being prepared for guests. It was fine, the first night. Saturday morning showed that I wanted them gone. Her house guest didn't seem to be enjoying themselves either. (Would you? Unexpectedly stuck out in the woods?) She seemed to be the only one who was happy with what they were doing. She made a big fuss about cleaning up around the house. Making dinner and whatever. She even got to the point of telling Matt (when he had a conversation with her about knocking off all of the cleaning and meddling) "When we lived on the farm, we learned to appreciate things!" Meaning that we didn't appreciate our things and the fact that we live in her house! AAARRGGHH! I still have not forgiven her for that! (She is an extremely privileged and pompous ass!)

On top of her strutting around and taking over (her specialty). She was highly offended that Kaine didn't want anything to do with her. She seemed to want to (and did) take it out on me (like I put him up to it!). She was fussing over him (and if you know me, I let him just go about his business and just interact with him like he is human). She wouldn't leave him alone. Which he didn't appreciate AT ALL! (He is a lot like me, he doesn't like to be bothered all that much. He likes to be by himself a good bit of the time). So, she even pouted at one point and was like "Fine! I won't do anymore for you!" (I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to slug her right there! I was like, "How old are you? Who is the adult here?") Can you believe this BS?!

And, as if it couldn't get any worse, she goes and invites both of Matt's brothers and their girlfriends over, Matt's dad and the neighbor! All of which I didn't know about until they arrived! So, now the total count of who is in the house is at 12! In a 1200 square foot house mind you! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for everyone to "GET OUT!!!!" It was seriously like a party and blessing when they finally did (Sunday at around 9pm!). I could have killed her, I really could have!

*BTW, this isn't even the worst part of it. She had such an overbearing attitude and did EVERYTHING she could think of that would get under my skin. Undermining me at every turn! And trust me, that is a HUGE understatement!!!!! It is my opinion that if you want respect and friendship, then that is what you should, in turn, give to others! Hypocrite!

No binky - No naps

2010-08-10T23:36:00.001-04:00

Kaine was a true handful today. But, after the night we had, who can blame him. His binky woes are continuing. As I predicted, by today, it has only gotten worse. He got up last night and apparently I told Matt to "just go and get him". Matt said he slept for about an hour after he brought him into bed with us. This is when Kaine woke up and started crying about wanting his binky. This is also the time that I noticed he was in bed with us (I didn't remember hearing him or telling Matt to go and get him). He cried for what seemed like 30 minutes (which it was probably only 10-15 minutes, but when your tired...). Poor guy. He wanted it this morning too. And, much to my dismay, I came in the living room after my shower to see him watching TV with his thumb in his mouth (I could have called my pediatrician right then and there and chewed him out for encouraging me to keep the binky because "we don't want him sucking his thumb, do we? Not like we can cut it off."). That thing would have been long gone if it were not for that statement (and me not wanting to deal with the sorrow that we are currently facing). I am three days in though and refuse to go back (not after what he has already endured!). I am hoping that by the end of the week we will be binky free and feelings will be not so hurt.

On another note, he has not taken a nap in two days (a serious record for him). But he has been sleeping in until 9 or even 10 in the morning. So, I don't know, is it a good trade off?

Kaine and his Binky

2010-08-09T23:59:00.000-04:00

Kaine is doing well. I am doing better than expected about letting him cry about the binky. Although, it is not as bad as I thought it was going to be in the first place. Today was harder than yesterday. He had Matt to comfort him when he no longer wanted me. Today he just had me, which was hard for both of us. He ended up not taking a nap today because he couldn't get comfortable with out his binky.

Bed time was rough. Matt tried to lay with him but it annoyed him. Kaine was chewing on his blanket and annoying Matt. Kaine was okay, until he got up and Matt told him to go back to bed. He then started to cry for me and I went into him. I sat with him for a while. He asked about his binky and I told him it was gone and we didn't have any more. Which made him cry. He then said something like, "My mouth". Which meant that he couldn't sleep because he wanted (and has a sensation for) his binky. (I can relate, I sucked my thumb for a REALLY long time and know the feeling that he is trying to get over- the hardest part!) I tried to soothe him as best I could (rubbing his back, patting him, trying to hold him). He then asked for water (something he never does! He usually wants milk). I went and got it for him and was able to just give it to him and leave. I didn't hear another peep from him. I am thinking that the sucking required for the cup helps with the sensation and I am sure the water also helps (sucking creates saliva production). So, if this is his transition item, I am okay with that!

He does seem to be getting a lot better. His speech has actually improved within the time that he has not had his binky. (But this may just be a coincidence because this is the time of life when speech and cognitive development is at a boom.) I am expecting tomorrow to be the worst day. However, we are going to the Butterfly museum in Gainesville, so he will, at least, have a distraction.