Bed Update

Kaine is sleeping better. I have been avoiding using the "sleeping through the night" comment. I am afraid that I will jinx it! I hope writing it doesn't jinx it! I have noticed that he is sleeping better now. This is what I have thought was going to happen.

Here is the downside:

Getting him to go to bed has become the biggest hassle! Sometimes you have to lay with him. Then he slowly drifts away. Sometimes you just have to keep getting up and putting him back in the bed. Tonight, Matt put him down. He even laid with him until he fell asleep. About 30 minutes later, we hear him calling from his room. I go in, he asks for milk. I think all is good. I think another 20-30 minutes goes by and we hear him calling me again. I go in and put him back in bed. I sit on the side of the bed and even turn the night light thing on, sometimes that is all that he needs. I then pretend to fall asleep (this is usually what will get him to go back to bed when he wakes up to early and I put him in bed with me). He gets quieter. I think I was not being patient and thought he was calm enough for me to leave. I tell him goodnight, thinking he is going to stay in bed and go to sleep. I walk away. Two minutes go by and I hear him flick the light on. I go in and pick him up and tell him he needs to lay down and go to sleep. I think I even said, "That is enough!" in a stern, not harsh, voice. I stay outside his room for a minute to make sure he was going to stay in bed. As I write this, it has been about 10 minutes. I think hope he is going to stay in bed this time.

I think, maybe, he has figured out that we stay up past his bedtime now. This is what is making him think he can stay up. Then again, it might just be the fact that he knows he can get out of bed! Plus, there are toys in his room and he can get to them. Not sure. It really isn't that big of a deal. I'm just impatient for it to be settled. I guess I got so used to him laying straight down in the crib and not hearing another peep from him; putting effort into it seems like a hassle! How sad is that? Maybe if he was a more cuddly infant that liked to be rocked to sleep, we would be in a different place. I don't know. Maybe if I was a more cuddly parent we would be in a different place. Of course, we will never know. What is done is done.

I know this will pass too. It has only been a week. I just need to figure out what works and what doesn't. Like everything else when one is parenting! I do so hope the next one sleeps better :).

Feeling Drained

I am feeling seriously drained right now. I had a HUGE emotional dump this morning. The dog ran away from me. This is what started it. I looked and drove around shouting his name for close to 45 minutes. NO ANSWER! I went everywhere around here. I even locked Kaine in the house and went down by the lake and followed, as far as I could, the path he took to the neighbors. There was a fallen tree in the overgrown path that he slipped under. I could go no farther.

Something you should know to understand this emotional dump that I had is this: I cry when I am frustrated and even when I am angry (sometimes). I called Chiappini Farm Nursery and got David. He said he didn't see the dog or even any tracks. He even said, "Oh, that is what you were hollering about!" I thought that was funny, well now I do anyway. I didn't see any tracks either.

The thing that makes me mad is that I went into the neighbors yard and yelled for like 10 minutes and the dog didn't respond, at all!! Then coming back down the road from the nursery I pulled off to let my neighbor pass, only with a "Good Morning" between us. He is the one with the chickens and the same one that I thought the dog had gone to this morning. I returned home because Kaine was with me and it was upsetting him that I was yelling so much. Which, in turn, was not helping out my stress level any (I don't like when he is upset, let alone when I am the cause of it!). So, I am home and I call Melissa (my mother in law) because I know I can't get a hold of Matt (I had already tried). I didn't know what to do and I needed someone to talk to. She said she would come by and not to do anything rash. I had been threatening to take him to the Humane Society when I found him. She told me to keep hollering out the door for him. I was pissed but hung up and was hoping she would get here quick. I yelled for two or three more times from the back porch. By the last time, he came back up the path he had run down!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW PISSED I WAS THEN!!!??? UNBELIEVABLY!! I grabbed him and tied him up, carrying on and threatening to kill him! I truly wanted to! I called Melissa back and while I was telling her the dog came back Matt walked in the door. (This is very odd, once he is gone for the day he is usually gone until 7 or 8pm. Turns out he had forgotten his phone.)

I said, "I need to talk to you right now!!" He was clearly worried. I flew into a tizzy and described what I have just laid out for you. Then I proceeded to hyperventilate and have a serious crying fit! I was completely beside myself with anger, grief and pure frustration. All of which was, I think, pent up over all of the other episodes with this dog, among other things. I then proceeded to scream in my piercing upset/anger scream that seems to posses me when I can't control myself. All about how I am done and he needs to go! No matter how or what that means!

Needless to say, it was the worst way to start the day. There is only one other way that I can think of that would be worse and that would be death of someone I love.

I am so glad that Matt forgot his phone, because all I could think about was how much I could not handle what was going on and I needed him here. He is my grounding point. I was be a crazy, psycho without him. God surely must have known his presence was to be here and turned a silly forgotten phone into something that saved the event from being incredibly horrible.

I put an add on Craigslist and got at least 5 responses within an hour. Thirty minutes after that, I had already made plans to meet someone, over the phone, in Ocala the next day. So, I hope the dog fits with her and she loves him the way we cannot and the way he deserves. She has another big dog that is 2 and wants an active companion. I think it will be a perfect fit!

Emily Dickinson

 Go Here

 She is so ghostly and creepy in this photo. It is hard for me to look at. But at the same time, that is exactly what I have always liked about her work too. It seems to fit.

I just found out that we got married on Emily Dickerson's Birthday. I was so delighted that I had to come right here and blog about it! I love her, although I know that I have not read enough of her stuff to really say that. I went through a phase as a teenager where Dickinson and Poe were always close at hand. Weird combo, but it makes since because they were both forlorn and thinking of things people don't talk about. Which, I have always admired. As you probably know, if you know me. Well, that is all I have to say about that!

Bed, Exercise, Party

Kaine fell out of his bed last night. At 2:30 in the morning. Another milestone hit. Matt picked him up and got him to go back to sleep. I got to sleep in until 10. It was heaven.

The only thing missing now is another baby to wake me up 100 times a night and have a 2 year old that still gets up once a night. I think I am coming to terms with that though. Especially if we co-sleep in the beginning like we did with Kaine. I think we will be O-Tay.

I just have to lose the weight now. I can't seem to stick with any sort of diet and want to eat sugar or anything that resembles a cookie and can't seem to pass them up or get them off my mind! I heard once when I was pregnant that sugar cravings are actually a sign that you need more protein. Boiled eggs seem to help, somewhat. Can you really compare boiled eggs to cookies though? No. I need to get serious about this if this baby is ever going to happen though! I have reached what Matt calls parallel when I do squats now. Which is jargon for you are now at a 90 degree parallel to the floor when you are squatting, which is good. I now have to achieve what my son can and does do effortlessly daily, a full squat to get full range of motion. Should be a good warm-up to birth exercises, at least. I just need to do more. That is always the case!

I wish I had someone I could walk with or a safe road to walk on! That would be good. The Gainesville-Hawthorne trail is just a 10 minute drive up the road but, I feel guilty about using the gas. I think I may start running up and down the back steps at nap time, do you think that will work? Hummm...

Anyway...

Kaine's birthday is going to be such fun and is only 6 days away now. We are going to have a small pool, possibly a sprinkler, sand-pool, water balloons, water guns, food a sort of water/sand/boat/workstation toy, pinata, three legged races and lots and lots of fun! I hope the weather is as nice as it was this weekend! Either way, we will figure it out. It rained for like two days straight before his first b-day and it still all worked out! In fact, we came inside to do presents and it let go. It worked perfectly!

Hopefully soon I will be able to post pictures. I have either forgotten how to upload with Picasa or it is just not working! Ughh...I will have to mess around with it some more this week. If I have the time!

New Bed for Kaine

On a whim, I decided to change Kaine's room around. My whim took over his crib! I decided to get him ready for a toddler bed (actually a twin mattress on the floor) because I do not want him to have to get used to a bed and potty training at the same time. I just don't think it is something he would adjust well to.

So, I called Matt into the room, asked him what he thought and within 5 minutes the crib was being taken apart and I was making plans on how to move the room around.  Kaine is standing there not knowing what is going on and starts to protest about the crib being taken apart! OH NO! What do we do now? Matt and his quick thinking says, "Don't you want to sleep in a big bed like Daddy!?" Kaine replies, "Yes!" Problem solved! (Me, I died a little inside, because I had no idea he would react like that!)

Oh crap, now I have to figure out how to get him to sleep in it! I didn't think about that! So, we go about our evening. We play. Watch a little TV. Let Kaine tell us when he is ready for bed (by this I mean, we watch him and see when he is fading. I don't actually wait for him to tell me he wants to go to bed!). He usually has an 8pm bedtime, I just thought it would be better to get him a little more sleepy, for the change in bed. He goes down with no problem, after his tuck in and story. I walk out thinking, "Boy, that was easy! Wish I would have done this months ago!" Five minutes later I hear little hands trying to open the door! I knew this was coming, I calmly walk down the hall, open the door and tell him it is time for bed. He happily says, "Okay!" and climbs back into bed and lets me tuck him in. This goes on 2 more times. On the 3rd time, I find I have been locked out of the room! Opps! Didn't think about that! Ha! Ha! Matt get's into the door (I think he broke the handle but, it still closes). So, we start from square one. He gets up two more times getting books out of the bookshelf we had also just placed in his room. Each time one of us goes in and tells him it is time to go to sleep. He is happy to comply. Before we know it, he is asleep with no yelling or crying or protesting. All of which I expected and was ready to work with. I am so glad he was ready! I so believe that he will sleep so much better on a "real" bed instead of the hard and uninviting crib mattress.

Updates, will follow. Hopefully, it will only get better!

Fear

Fear is my biggest stumbling block. I am afraid of a lot of things. More than I let on. Or, at least, more than I hope I let on. I don't know how to let go. It frightens me. More than I think I even know.

I don't like the unknown. I need things to be planned. To be a controlled predictable. Then I try to make it look spontaneous. I am not free. I live in a a cage of anxiety. I am not sure how to open the door.

Show me the way. I will follow. I just need to hear Your voice.

I HATE MY DOG!!! AND LIFE, AT THE MOMENT!

He just cost me $200!!! Like I have $200!!!! NNNNOOOO!!!


What happened? He got off his line when I went in to Gainesville today and decided to go to the neighbors and eat their chickens!!! EAT THEIR CHICKENS!!! So, since this is the second (oh, yes you read that right) time he has done this (we were forgive the first time because we didn't know the neighbors started raising chickens. And plus, everyone dog makes mistakes!) we now have to pay $5 per chicken. I was told 40 are missing. Granted, I don't think that the dog got that many. (I was told 14 today. So unless he killed 26 -unlikely- the time we were forgiven....)  Plus, I think he thought they were playing because he didn't eat them, he just chased them and killed them and then left them where they were! But, that is beside the point. So, I told Matt through hormonal tears that the guys want $200. So, he said the same thing and said he would talk to him and work it out. Now, like I didn't have enough stress, I really do have to find a job and get the hell out of here!

I have no idea what I am going to do. I have limited skills. I can watch kids, babies, drive, fold laundry, read books, you know all of the average everyday people things that average, everyday people do. Oh yeah, and I can count pills, answer phones and get yelled at by crazy drug attics (sp?) trying to get me to give them illegal drugs! So, why don't I just use the Pharmacy Tech skills, you ask? Well, in order to make money at that I would have to work 40 hours a week, probably in a hospital (with really sick people!) doing things that I don't know how to do! Plus, I have to take an exam. Not that big of a deal but, when you don't know what you are getting yourself into do you really want to take the time to study and take a test that might not take you anywhere? Not to mention that you have to pay for the test and gas and the babysitter so you can get there, in the first place. Then, what do you do when you get a job? Not like Kaine can go with me! What is he going to do sit around and play with the chemo? Then, lets say I get a job in the hospital and I have to pay for someone else to watch my child and give away half of my paycheck. After gas and medical coverage, what exactly am I bringing home? Nothing! What is the point? Oh yeah, and have we forgotten that I want to have a baby and go to Midwifery school? How exactly am I going to be around hospital meds (including chemo and radiation) being Prego? HUMM??? Not to mention that it would look really awesome on my resume that I stayed at the hospital for a year or so because next fall I would have to quit to go to school. So, then we are back to square one! What then?

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!! WANT TO JOIN ME?