Because I should post something...

Depressing! I can't believe I let this thing go as long as I have without, at least, SOME word written on it! Anyway....TONS of things have changed. Some good, some bad, as it always seems to go.

The holidays were nice, a bit hectic but, filled with family. Kaine and the rest of the bunch had a great Christmas.
I started a new job (sort of) and have consequently ended said job within a month due to many factors (mainly, it just was not a comfortable situation and wasn't working with my family dynamics).
Kaine is no longer in pre-school. We want to home-school eventually anyway and I figured "why not start now?". Also, couldn't do job AND school (not that it was REALLY an issue or hard decision anyway).
I guess this is what I will talk about. Kaine misses school. He has been frequently (more now than ever) asking to go back. It breaks my heart that I have taken him out of something that he was enjoying. I truly do feel, however, that we are making a better "future" choice for him. Having said that, I don't feel like putting him in a school environment is what any of us truly want. I know what he is missing are the friends. So, we have started to look into new areas that get him out of the house and with his peers (one of the downfalls of home education, in my opinion, is ignoring the social needs of the children undergoing said home education). We want him to start gymnastics, he seems really excited about the prospect too. I would like to get him into some sort of sport but, my physiologist husband (lol) thinks that putting him into something like that too early will hinder him later in life (more along the lines of basically setting him up to be a baseball player at an early age and with the "learning" of that type of movement the body grows toward that instead of reaching its full, mobile potential. Did that make sense?). I don't really know how to explain that sort of thing. Also, my husband is super smart and knows what he is talking about so, really, I just let him handle it :).
So, Kaine is doing well in other aspects of life. But I do see room for improvement. I also see that he wasn't getting much out of going to school anyway (he really has regressed in his learning abilities). This is in part due to the fact that everyone in his class, at the pre-school, had some sort of learning disability, was behind, had speech issues or was just plain younger than he was (this makes the class sound bad but, mostly the language skills weren't as high as his and he wasn't being challenged enough). I think once we figure out this new routine and start adding "class time" to our schedule, things will work themselves out.

It's Halloween Season!

I have been super busy lately. Which has been a blessing (not having to focus on "baby" stuff anymore!). But, I am also starting to feel ill. Hope it goes away quickly. Anyway...
I have just finished Kaine's Angry Bird costume. I didn't want to spend $60 for the retail version. Not to mention that they are made so cheaply (which makes me even angrier about the price tag!) so, I made my own. I got a Simplicity pattern for around $10 at Joanne's. It was for a chicken costume (and another costume that is a pumpkin- SO CUTE). So, I figured I could turn the chicken costume into a red Angry Bird. So, I did. It came out amazing!! I am so thrilled by it, that I am planning on entering a Halloween costume contest too. I just love it to death. Plus, when Kaine put it on, he immediately started to act like he was a Angry Bird, with awesome sound effects too. We took him outside so I could get a good picture by our pumpkins. He started to "flap" his wings. It was really, really cute! He loves it. I am so happy about the whole thing.
Also, I am making Matt's Cher costume too. I am not so thrilled about this one. I kinda messed up on the shirt so, now I am trying to fix my mistakes without making it look too crappy (or having to eat the cost and just go out and make/or find something that will work). :( So, we will see about how this comes out. But, it entails a "fringe" or "tassel" like shirt (complete with beads!). Made out of white pleather. Can you just imagine? LOL. I also ordered a Cher wig from Amazon.com. It is hilariously long. I want to get some bright red lipstick, some make-up/paint (think foundation), stick on nails and of course (!) some fake eye lashes. Don't you wish you were coming to our Halloween party?? Haha!
We are both going to wear jeans made into bell-bottoms. I found a really good tutorial online that shows how to easily transform a pair of regular jeans into bell-bottoms. Which is nice because then you know the jeans are going to fit and then, possibly, you could just take them apart again and have your regular jeans back again (that is, if I feel like putting them back together, lol).
I am going to be Sonny, of course. I just bought a really expensive wig and mustache combo. I was trying to avoid this but, could not find a good alternative at a party store (the three that I went to, by-the-way). Then I am going to be wearing a tie-dye shirt that I got at the party store. And some "rose colored" glasses.  It is going to be hilarious. So, hilarity will ensue.

What we have been doing:

I've been busy lately. On a LOT of different levels. School is in the works (as in, I am going back, REALLY, I am!). Kaine is starting school again in September (3 days a week this time). We are going to stop watching other kids (because I do now, we just can't work out the watch kids and go to school schedule). Matt is working his butt off but, not as much as he was (thank goodness). We just got back from Kentucky to visit Matt's family and it was really pleasant (except not really the 10 hour drive - both ways!). I have been on detox and have seen significant improvement in weight loss and my bleeding has completely stopped (!!!). We are trying to conceive (again!- I am finally ready to try again). Matt's birthday is also coming up at the end of August (not to mention that Lilly just turned 5 and Mom just had a birthday too- Lots of birthday's in this family!).
In fact, the birthday thing is crazy! Look at this:

January- no one
February- Grace
March- Jared
April- Mickey
May- Brent, Kaine,  Big Elliott (Poppa) and Kristen
June- Lilly, Allana, George, Savannah and George Sr.
(Mom and George's Anniversary too)
July- Mom
August- Matt
September- Landon
October- Jordan, Douglas
November- Haley, Me, Grandma and Dad
December- Melissa, Patty, Kaylen
*and I can't remember when Little Elliot's birthday is but, I think it is in the spring. Also, I am sure I am leaving some people out too. Anyway, summer is crazy birthday months!

Anyway, Kaine is fully potty trained now too. It took forever! He was pretty good about going pee but, didn't always want to. He seemed to just want to do it off and on. Then he was going all the time (like every 10-15 minutes). We had to still keep pull-ups on him though, because he refused to poop in the potty. It was crazy and frustrating! We pretty much made him sit on the potty until he went because he knew when he had to go but, he would run away and hide so he wouldn't have to sit. (He also had a HUGE rejection of public toilets- I think it was a noise thing- they flush really loud and he HATED to be in there when the potties were making noise.) One day, he just decided he was going to start and use the potty and we haven't looked back since. He was, for a bit, wearing things for bed but, he seemed to be holding it pretty well and we decided to just go cold turkey. So, we took them off, let him go to the potty before bed and waited to see what happened. He had a few accidents but, nothing terrible. Once he got through nap time completely dry we knew he was going to be fine at bedtime too. Then, like I said, there was no looking back. He is very good now and can completely use the potty by himself (we do need to work on him pulling his pants up, however!). So, yay for big boys! (But I seriously don't want to think about the next one!)

Updates: Loren & Kaine

     I am still having bleeding problems. I started progesterone about 2 weeks ago. I have come to realize, however, that I am not getting enough. So, I have started a regimen to stop the bleeding (initially) and then to initiate a regular cycle (eventually). The idea is to get the bleeding to stop altogether and then make a predictable cycle (like those of you who are blessed with a normal period cycle). The good thing about this is, I will know-without a doubt- when I am ovulating  and when and if I got pregnant. I know I ovulate, and when my period does decide to be sort of regular, I can figure out the day I am fertile. However, I don't always have this benefit. I never know if the cycle is going to happen, when it will happen and for how long it will happen. I would love (!) to know this information. So, that is where the progesterone comes in.
     So, for about the next 1-3 months this will be my daily routine (you don't really know what dose will work for you so you have to start at 400mg/day and increase it to 600mg/day gradually): every hour, starting at 9:30am I will alternate dosing, starting at 40mg, then 20mg, then 40mg and so on until 9:30pm. That will be 400mg/day, and I am going to do this for a week and see what happens. If the bleeding doesn't change, decrease or stop then I will up the dose until one of these things happen. Once I find the dose that stops the bleeding I will slowly decrease it to see which does causes the bleeding to start again. In this manner, I will find out what dose my body needs. Then I will do two weeks on and two weeks off at that dose. This will help my body to regulate its self. It will also allow my body to ovulate naturally and naturally bring on a period. Therefore, letting me get a regular cycle that is predictable.

     In other news, I am currently on a diet to lose weight. I like that I am doing this with the progesterone therapy because, hopefully, they will both reach normal at the same time. The plan is to lose the weight and regulate my system at the same time in order to achieve pregnancy at the optimal time. Of course, no time limit is really going to help, I will just have to wait and see how all things play out.
     I am also currently trying to get everything together to go back to school. I went and saw an adviser yesterday and everything academically is set and ready to go. Financially, paperwork has to be done. I am currently waiting on my pin number in order to access my past financial aid papers so I can give them proof of payment. Once all this is sorted out and my letter comes through, I will be able to register for classes. I have three more general classes to take and then I am onto my core requirements. But, I can also do them at the same time. Once this part is done, I move onto my bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Education. It may take me a while but, I am not worried about that. After all, it has taken me this long already, right?

     Kaine is doing well. He seems not to want to take naps lately, however. I am not sure if he just isn't getting enough action during the day or what. I have noticed that Kaine not getting a nap has improved his nighttime sleep. He goes to sleep faster (instead of taking 2+ hours to go down) and either sleeps through the night or gets up later. I have to say, it is about time! I truly wish this is here to stay. So, just in case, I have made him have "movie hour" during the afternoon. He is not able to get up and has to watch the whole movie before his rest is over. He seems to like this just fine. We have cut out an electrical entertainment after dinner too. Which really seems to help him calm down or get out extra energy before bed (we have been playing games or sports). So, I am hoping that he starts to sleep, more consistently, through the night. As soon as school starts again, poor Kaine will definitely have to keep up his naps, he gets SOOO tired! But, maybe this routine will get him used to staying asleep at night, therefore improving everyone's sleep. 
    

Success

Today Kaine and I went out shopping around for birthday stuff. I know that we went to Disney for his 3rd birthday however, I feel that everyone should at least have a birthday cake on their birthdays. So, we went to Publix, Sam's Club and the Party Store. We ordered a bumble bee finger-roo cake. I was trying to find a link to a picture for this but, apparently they are new and aren't even on the website yet. But, they are super cute. Kaine picked out the bumble bee one. (They also a have: monkey, frog, lady bug, dinosaur, puppy and some other ones I can't remember!) It was only $10 too, total score!! Then we went to Sam's Club. I saw on their website that they had, what they call a 5" cake with 10 cupcakes. You can go here and check out their cake catalog and search until you find the "Cars" cake (minus red icing and chocolate cake b.c., "kids can be allergic", according to the cake lady, lol!). That also was around $10 (a little over like, $.39)! So, two cakes for $21! Woo hoo! Plus, Kaine picked them out, so no disappointments. When we went to the party store I wasn't really sure what we were looking for. We walked around and decided on a really cool "canopy" birthday hanger (that I plan to put over his small table as a decoration). He also picked out some Hot Wheels bouncy balls and purple paper plates).

Also, the biggest success of the day was that we left the house with Kaine in underwear. Not normally such a big deal (he can go to preschool and make it from 7:30 am to 1pm in underwear with no accidents). I have NEVER tried to take him anywhere without pull-ups on. Well, the one time I did I ended up changing him because he peed while sitting in his car seat. This was the outcome of Kaine refusing, absolutely refusing, to use a public toilet! So, we haven't been out without pull-ups. In fact, most of the time that he spends in the house, he is wearing pull-ups too (we still haven't figured out a way to help or make him go poo in the potty). So, today was a serious surprise. I even tried to talk him into changing into a pull-up halfway through our shopping trip (which was not limited on the liquid intake!)- no dice. He just wanted to wear his undies. I must say he did impressively well! I kept asking him if he had to go. At one point I had him in the back of the Jeep, McDonald's empty cup in hand, trying to convince Kaine that he could pee in it therefore, making sure there was no chance of accidents! (I did mention that he won't use a public toilet right?) He made it through three stores and a McDonald's (we went inside to eat!) stop all without peeing! I am super impressed. That is complete success. So, we came home and he peed in his potty then went and took a nap. What is going on? I don't know but, I hope it continues! LOL

King Kaine

Kaine is such a wonderful kid. He really is. Do you hear the "but" coming on? I don't know who invented the term "terrible twos". I have enjoyed the "twos" very much, thank you. However, on the butt end of the "twos" and the budding of the "threes" there have been some issues. Things I love about this age:

• He is becoming more independent
• He likes to do things "by myself"
• He can follow commands with more than one request in them
• He plays wonderfully by himself
• He likes to invent things
• He is very creative
• He can entertain himself, until he needs to reach something high up
• He can feed himself
• He, for the most part, is out of diapers (pull-ups are still in play)
• He is able to show his love (hugs, kisses, saying "I love you")
• He tells wonderful stories
• He is funny

Things I do not like about this age:

• He likes to do things "by himself"
• He can follow commands with more than one request in them but, often "chooses" not to
• He gets more time outs 
• He can be creative which, leads to bigger messes
• He likes the word, "no"
• He likes the words, "no way"
• He often has to be asked to do things more than once
• He doesn't like to eat
• He doesn't like to sit at the table at meal times
• He doesn't like naps
• He doesn't like taking showers
• He doesn't like going to bed
• He often wants to do the opposite of what you want to do
• He often refuses to use the potty
• He likes that stupid word, "no"

So, terrible twos? I don't think so! I hope this age will, indeed, not be so terrible. I have heard people refer to it as the "terrific twos". Maybe I should make my saying the "terrific threes"? It doesn't have such a nice ring to it though. Oh well.
Kaine is still great. He is "the love that I never thought I could give". Which is no small compliment. He has made me a better person. He has also made me a better wife. And, although Matt and I don't always see eye-to-eye when raising him, we are better for having him. We are all closer because Kaine exists! That is the biggest blessing he has brought into our lives. 

Scratch That

I can't sleep. Then again, I am tired all the time! So, scratch the claim from before about not being as tired as early as the previous pregnancy. I am nine weeks and I am usually up at 2 am, like tonight (this morning?). Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was fortunate enough to have a husband that let me sleep in on Sunday (because Saturday brought another no sleep night) that I slept until 2pm. And yes, we meant to go to church. I REALLY just couldn't even move when he tried to wake me up. I thought I might be sick. That is how I felt ALL day today too. Thank goodness Kaine had school this morning, I don't think I would have made  it. On top of that, I think Kaine was sensing something, today was one of his worst days in a LONG time. It was like he was really tired too. Poor guy.

As for all of the other symptoms (nausea and what-not) I don't have them anymore. I do still feel strangely not really hungry. Or, rather, I want A LOT of junk food and ONLY junk food, if you please. But, I know that is a sign of not getting enough calories and protein and possibly, minerals. *Sigh* I am trying to make an effort to eat more fruits and veggies, to up my nutrients. Plus, I know the baby needs more than salt, water, Sprite with extra lime and slushies. What kind of weird-o cravings are those? I am chalking it up to the fact that it is hotter sooner and my body is just trying to prepare. Salt, for one thing, helps build up your blood volume, as does water. Cravings for sugar are a sign that your body wants protein. You should have seen me at four weeks. I was literally eating sea salt out of my container. Literally. But, I knew it was for a good cause. So, here is  to actually listening to my body, however weird it might sound to some! :)

In other news, we are going to Disney. Very soon. Like, for example, in T minus nine days and counting. I. Am. So. Excited!!! You really have no idea. No. Idea. And, of course, I am trying to be all laid back about the planning and stuff but, all I want to do is check out the websites and cry (yes, hormonally cry with excitement and anticipation-oh pregnancy!) because I just can't wait! I am really hoping that Kaine likes it. I keep telling him that we are going. We have been watching Disney Junior lately and they have this intermission thing (you know between shows) that kinda represents the electric light parade at Disney and he gets REALLY excited about that. Plus, I keep telling him that we are going to go and see the castle that comes on right before the Disney movies start to play (you know the one I mean). Not to mention that Tinker Bell will be there. Oh yes, he is more excited about Miss Tink than you could imagine and I think it is the most darling (yes, darling) thing I have EVER seen! Can you feel my excitement!!?? So, here is the game plan:

We are going to be leaving on Thursday, after Matt gets off work. Friday will bring all day excitement at the Magic Kingdom (Matt, Kaine and I). I am planning to really utilize their baby center buildings for nap time! (Which will just be a "rest" time.) Most. Awesome. Building. At. Disney. EVER. Not kidding! (Seriously, just did spell checker on this and it suggested childing? Pretty sure that is not a word! In fact, it is flagging it now!) Anyway. Saturday will bring all day excitement for Animal Kingdom (one of the best zoo's I have EVER been to). (Matt, Kaine, Me, the in-laws and Matt's brother and girlfriend). Can I pause again, right here and mention that I did not really intend to invite that many people. I must confess that my excitement ran away with me. It really did. I don't think I can truly be blamed for this. It was like I couldn't control myself from saying, "You wanna come?". Can I plead temporary insanity? Besides, our group has gotten smaller anyway. Mom, George, Jordan and Grace were suppose to go. Mom had to back out because business is booming (yea!) and she just didn't feel like she should give up jobs (now that they are literally pouring in!). Who can blame her? Not me, that's for sure!! AND, I didn't invite Matt's brother and girlfriend. I'm just saying. OK. Sunday is going to bring all day excitement at Epcot. I know it really is for more of the "older crowd" of Disney explorers. But, Matt and his family have NEVER gone! Are you shocked? I am. To me, it is astounding how many things they haven't done. Which, I know, makes me sound like a spoiled brat. So, you have to go to Disney and go to Epcot, you just have to! That's the plan. Without me trying to uber control it. I really just want to go with the flow and see where it leads us. But, of course, I want to do everything! My most important concerns:

Not to be held up. (Unfortunately, there are people in our party who just don't know how to be on time. Not naming names or anything.)
Having my own agenda not being messed with. After all, this is about Kaine. (There are people going with us who like to impose their will onto children who usually are just fine watching, thank you very much! I don't like Pushers!)
That the crowds not be so bad. (Matt just plain isn't good with crowds.)
That the heat not be to bad. (That is why morning is going to be the most important time for us to be up-and-Adam!-yes, I realize that isn't the phrase, that is just how I think of it!)
That we spend the majority of the morning (even if that means getting up at six! Yikes!) to explore all the parks. (See first parenthesis.)

I do feel, however that we are set up for a really good time. As long as we keep it relaxed and remember why we are there in the first place. I just hope it doesn't become another battle of control! Pray for me! Really.


BTW, do you ever feel like you are letting down Mark Twain because you use exclamation points? Or way too many of them (like I do)? Mark Twain quote: "One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke."
Or these guys: Exclamtion Point / Collective Inkwell

Waiting...

Waiting sucks! I mean it, really, really, really, really....REALLY sucks! The worst part is, I am in the middle of my waiting period and won't know anything for at least two more weeks. That is IF my body decides to be normal.

In the mean time....Matt ran a 5K this weekend at Disney. It was the ESPN "The Weekend" run for something. I don't know what he placed. I don't know what time he got there. I don't know what time he got done. So, pretty much I am useless in the telling of the information of this event, if you wanna know! He said it was "alright". All I know is, he wore a kilt and some shoes that were killing his feet. He also did it for his client because, you know, he is good as a supporter! So, yay! for that.

Kaine is getting gigantic. They actually told me today, at school, that the pants I put on him were to tight (which there were NOT, thank you very much). They sent him home in size 6 (I had him in 4's). The reason? He apparently can't pull them up after he goes to the potty. Okay?? Have you seen that kids butt? I get that they have 8 other children in that class but, seriously? you can't help a kid out?? It just annoys me is all. They told me to go and get him bigger ones. Yeah! That ain't happening! LOL I just won't let him wear the offensive ones anymore. AND on top of that, as I put those pants on him this morning the thought ran across my brain, "Well, at least I managed to put on some pants that you will be able to put on and off". Which I NEVER do! Most of the pants/shorts he wears has buttons and zippers! I don't ever hear complaints about that. Weird, right?

More on waiting. I have decided that if I do not get a positive test result this go round, I am going to seriously start the getting in shape and losing 60+ pounds thing. (I don't really know if it is 60+, I'm just saying, it is a lot!) So, that is where my focus will lie for a while. I really and actually WANT to do it this time. NOT like me. I am going to start lifting weights because everything else bores me to tears. If I am pregnant the workout routine will be this:

• Walk at least 30 minutes a day (you know, on purpose)
• Yoga for pregnancy video
• Weight lifting (stuff I can do, like arms)
• Swimming

So, there will be plenty to keep me busy. I am really just tired of all of the nasty photos I have seen lately and I am done! with that phase, thank you VERY much!!!

Fun times are coming

I have decided not to be depressed anymore. I know, shocking! It is so easy for me to get depressed and wallow. I have decided to focus on the positive parts of my life and how much I AM blessed. Like the fact that I have one fabulous child and KNOW we got it right the first time, no matter what happens. And, yes, I mean no matter what. Plus, I really do have one kick-butt husband that would literally lay down and die for me, if only I would ask. So, THERE....lol.

Anyway, we are still trying to get settled in. I had a wonderful weekend. We all needed a break from each other! I was able to spend daylight hours on Saturday completely by myself! I really don't have a clue when the last time that was!?? It was so nice. I was able to renew my spirit, do whatever I want and get some stuff done! It was glorious. I made some curtains and ironed the fabric in front of the TV while watching Bewitched and I Dream of Jeanie on TV Land. Best day ever! Plus, I totally got two bonus dates over the weekend with my husband! That NEVER EVER happens. Two kid free dinners AND two movies! Much needed. BTW, Kaine was with Nanny and Poppa (Matt's Parents).

I am still trying to get this place in order, like I said. I am having issues with organization because, truthfully, there just isn't enough "places" to put things. Yes, I have been throwing things out too. But, here in weird Gainesville where you have to pay the city for your trash cans and for them to pick them up (way to much if you ask me!) we only have one tiny outside trash can and don't even bother putting more out that will fit in it! They won't even blink an eye at it! Not to mention that they are the most lazy garbage people I have ever seen. I mean, really!, you can't pick up the trash can yourself? Or! Bags on the ground?? WOW! Is all I have to say to that. Guess their union really is "working" for them! lol Lame. Anyway, sorry about THAT tangent! My point is, I can't get things done in a timely manner, it seems, because there are weird and unforeseen circumstances standing in my way. But, really, where am I suppose to put this stuff???

Kaine is doing well. Growing bigger than any child I have ever seen at this stage. I believe he is very close, if not already, at the four foot mark and weighs 47#, at two and a half. That's big! However, we always knew that at least one of our kids were (was? are?) going to pass us by. He loves school now too, which is a relief. No more tears! Except he does say most days, "Mommy you came back!" LOL. I think most of that is from the book "Llama, Llama, Misses Momma" where at the end that is the phrase that is uttered when his Momma comes to get him from school. It really is cute.  I am actually starting to worry about summer, I need to find us an activity - he gets so bored! But, that is for another day.

"Mickey Mouse doesn't like Diapers."

I have been ovulating all weekend, according to my test strips. I am no longer ovulating but, we took advantage of the fact that I was. I also confirmed the ovulation with my knowledge of natural ovulation signs, such as: clear, slippery, stretchy discharge; high cervix; and, for me, the WANT to have sex. SO...here is hoping that implantation is successful and I get a positive prego test within the month (I hope!). The only thing now, I have to wait! UGH...I don't like waiting and sometimes wish I had x-ray vision so I could see what the hell was going on inside of me. I am just going to trust that it happened and, if not, that there is a reason and a better time for babies coming!

In other news, potty training is going great! Kaine goes pee in the potty and has actually moved himself the "big potty". We are starting to notice that he is either dry or just slightly peed when he wakes up too. Over the weekend he woke up one morning completely dry and also had a dry nap! It was great. But, like with anything, there is a draw back, Kaine won't poop in the potty! I have no idea why. He did once but, for some reason he won't any more (I made it a positive thing too!). So, I am hoping he is just going through a phase and will get it when he is ready. Like he did when he decided to go use the "big potty". (He even used it at a restaurant when we went!) I am pleased that it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I guess stickers and the promise that Mickey Mouse would love to see Kaine when he isn't wearing diapers (which aren't allowed in Mickey's house, did you know?) really is a great motivator to move into big boy pants! Monster truck undies don't hurt either!

Kaine and Daddy

I have been noticing lately that Kaine misses his Daddy more and more these days. Not because he doesn't love me or that Matt isn't around a lot (which is simply not true). I just think he is finally getting to that "little boy stage" in life. He is starting to form his own opinions about things. He is starting to form his own likes and dislikes. He no longer sees himself as "part of mommy", like all the experts say babies see themselves. This is good...and bad. Good for Matt, he has SO been looking forward to this "boy time". Bad for Mommy. Mommy loves the fact that Kaine is growing up big and strong. I also love the fact that he is able to make his own choices and do things for himself. And, I don't even think I have to mention, how much I love that he wants to be with his Daddy when he isn't home! But, it does give me some lonely twinges. I think it is time for a new family member. Not, in any way, to replace Kaine but, to add more love to our house. Plus, now that I know a little better (sorry Kaine) more fun the second time around!

Ruminating

Having Kaine home over this break has really opened my eyes to how much I am missing (as in learning and growth) and how much I miss him. I do feel ridiculous about it too. For goodness sake, it is only a total of six hours a week that he is even away! Plus, the time is nice to have to myself. (I am hoping it is going to be even better when we actually live in town and I can put my house together!) Mostly though, I have been thinking about how most people miss this time in their and their child's growth. They, usually, have another little one by this time and don't get to enjoy it. For that, I count myself blessed -and a little cursed. I love being able to be one-on-one with him still. At the same time, my heart aches because I long to have a baby to hold too (more specifically, for him to be a baby for me to hold still). But, I know they most grow up and out of our immediate lives. I hope I am able to give him this without too much hassle.

My thoughts as of late, have been very much around these concerns. I know my longing is due to want of a new little one. Therefore, it is making me cling to Kaine even more. Because I don' want to take it for granted if he is to be our last. I am trying to accept that this may be a possibility. I really do want to make it one of my goals to full-heartedly trust that what ever comes our way is what is suppose to be in our lives and is meant as a blessing. I really do have faith that if Kaine was to be our last, that, in the very least, we got it right the first time. He truly can't be improved upon, as far as natural temperament and ability goes. But how I would love to be able to give him someone else to love and play with! It's in God's hands and He knows my heart.

Christmas

I'm just not feeling it this year. No matter how hard I try. And believe me I HAVE tried! I really thought Kaine would be more into it this year. He doesn't care. He likes the fact that we have a tree in the house and that he got to put shiny things on it. But, other than that, nothing. He hates Santa still because he TOTALLY doesn't get what Santa is about, no matter how many books we read about the jolly fat man. I hope next year is better.

The whole gift thing is getting to me too. I really hate that it is what it is. I want it to be about the true meaning of Christmas this year but, it's not here. I don't feel it. I don't see it. I tried to be positive about the whole thing (even all of the bad crap that has happened lately). I have tried to shrug it all off. It really didn't affect me until a few hours ago, when more bad news arrived. It was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. I just don't know how to get into the spirit and I am running out of time. Hopefully some last minute jolly-ness or hope will find it's way to me before it is too late.

What's been going on?

I went and had a blood pregnancy test yesterday. I just told them to mail it to me. I am hoping that I get it before Thanksgiving. I was wanting to kind of make it "not such a big deal". Especially since I don't plan on telling people until, at least, Christmas. Not you guys, of course! You are my special people! I also don't want to be disappointed again. I honestly waited this long just to make sure my symptoms weren't in my head or weren't temporary or leading to some other conclusion. I would have "officially" missed my period this week. Whatever that means, seeing as how my system is anything but normal or official for that matter! So, hopefully I will have my official confirmation of pregnancy, that I will need for a birth certificate, in a few days.

In other news, one of my friends came to visit yesterday and we went to the ice cream shop in town. We all got ice cream. Then Kaine threw up all over the place. It was not awesome. And I am pretty sure the guy working in the ice cream shop is a "work release" individual. So, when I told him about the sickness he replied, "It's not my rug." (We were outside by the front door mat.) The guys is pretty nice really, until you ask him to do more than scoop ice cream. It's pretty annoying actually.

Kaine is really sick now. But really just some kind of stomach thing. He actually seems fine, other than the fact that he vomited 4-5 times last night (after a few hours of being completely fine, after the ice cream that is!) and had the worst diarrhea this morning (I am talking on his shirt and down his legs, I have never seen anything like it!!). So, now he is sitting on the couch with a double layer towel under him, eating crackers and sipping water. When I covered him with a blanket he said, "Oh, shoo-wee!" Like he was really comfortable now that he had a warm blanket, silly kid! It was really cute. I just hope it is nothing serious and that he is able to rest and keep down some fluids. Today is definitely going to be a movie day!

Kaine's Future Room

I have been working on the Huckleberry Finn themed boy's room. Since we cant actually put it into action until we have our own place, I have been doing a ton of research. This has turned out to be a really good idea. Especially since I would have already done a ton of things in my excitement to get things going and it would not have turned out so well (or as well as it could be!). Anyway, this is what I am planning:

I want to make tree that looks like an oak with moss and everything. I finally found a website that would help me to do this! Go to this link to see what I am talking about: Oak Tree Project

I have also been struggling with a way to incorporate the bed in a creative way. At first I was thinking about making a raft that the bed could sit on. The more I thought about it, the more room I figured the bed would take up and I don't necessarily want it to be a major focus in the room. But I did want to incorporate some sort of white washed fence (seeing as how that is a well remembered part of the book). So, I thought I would make a headboard from picket fence! Go here to check out that link: Picket Fence Headboard also this one of a picture of the project: Picture

I also already have some cute elements for the room too. I bought two pictures that are in rustic frames from the original illustrator of the book (I am pretty sure they are copies because I seriously didn't pay that much for them. They are so cute!). I also bought an old Avon perfume bottle that looks like a little country boy with a stick fishing pole and a straw hat (complete with overalls and bare feet!). I love it! I had already had curtains that I got for a steal when we found out Kaine was a boy and we needed new decorations for his room (haha!). They are a thinnish jean and have loops (the part where they would hang from the curtain rod) that are fastened to the curtain with overall clasps. They truly are so cute (the ties are also overall straps). The only thing about them is that it looks like new jeans and I might think about fading them and maybe even putting in some patches and worn parts to make it look really "worn" in and used. That would be cute, as long as I don't destroy them!

I am sure, as time goes by, more elements will be added too. As things seem to usually happen that way. I will be able to find little nick-knacks or cute pictures or something to enhance the theme. Now all I need is a room to put it all in!!

Things Kaine says:

Taken dressed. (To get dressed)
That in perfect.
That in awful.(Pretty much anything where you would say "is" is usually an "in")
Lube you! (Love)
5...4...3...2...1...Blast on!
Ornchen (Oranges or the color orange)
 Ice cream truck (Ice cream cone or cup)

I am sure there are more. I will try and add more when I remember them. He is talking in sentences now, so it is hard to keep up sometimes!

Preschool Days

I am amazed at how much Kaine has changed over the last month. School has seemed to make him more independent in play. He is so inventive. His imagination is amazing and awesome! Which I am very glad about, it was one of my biggest issues - you gotta have imagination! But, then again, this is the time when "cognitive development" booms. So, it may be just one thing or the other or both together.

He is doing much better with the drop-off issue too. I had a talk with the school director and was given a book about separation anxiety. We were able to come up with a plan that works for everyone. We decided (Matt and I, after talking with the school) that taking Kaine on Friday's would probably be helpful, because he was only going Monday and Wednesday. We thought that the gap between Wednesday and Monday was too big. It seemed to help right away. I took him in on Friday (almost didn't-I thought the change in rooms and teacher would make it worse). He barely cried when we walked in and as soon as they closed the half-door behind him he was all about playing. Monday and today he whimpered about not going when we got on the street where the school is but as soon as I parked he would say, "I get out. Play kids." Which I thought was VERY encouraging. Today I purposely took him in a little after nine to see if it would be easier to leave him if other kids were there (I had been having a horrible time with timing the drive and seemed to always be 10-15 minutes early- this increased anxiety because we were sitting there staring at the building and I was talking about going in and leaving him). So, leaving him was really good this time. I walked in and dropped him off with the teacher, gave him a hug and told him I would be back in a little while, "Go and play with the kids" type of leaving. Then turned and walked out, purposely not lingering (I had been making the mistake of staying, for my own comfort, to make sure he was not traumatized). He did wonderfully, a little clingy at the hug point and a few whines but as soon as I got to the sign-in table I couldn't hear him at all (the table is right next to his classroom door).

Pick-up today was good too. I was the first one there, finally. (I thought that being the first would help to not prolong the pick-up crying.) It turns out I was right. He wasn't crying when I went to the door, there was another, new kid, crying (I thought those cry's were covering Kaine's). He was just playing, however, as soon as he saw me he started to cry (I really would like to know the physiology behind this-he has always done this, as little as 6 months old).

All-in-all we had a really good day. I am glad that he is able to be away for a few hours and have new experiences. He seems to have really grown by it. He can walk up and down small steps by himself now. He asks for help (something we have been working on). He will say, "Need help". He also says, "Kaine's turn" when he wants to play with something that I have or wants a new toy from someone else (this is also something I have always said to him, after demonstrating a toy or trying to engage him in play). I am glad to see that he has been listening and that the lessons that I hoped he was learning are now being used in the proper manner. I also asked him what he did in school today and he said, "I shared", which was a really cute and nice answer to get!

Relationships

After Matt and I's upsetting and surprising talk we have been doing tons better. So much so, that it feels like it did when we were dating (or first married!). Such a plus. I think the turning point, for me, is that I got to see how upset he would be if I did leave. I think I needed to see it, not just know it, you know? (I am a freak!) I didn't want to upset him (I really didn't think it would) but benefited, literally overnight, by his emotional outburst. I was having a problem connecting with him because I felt that he was just doing things to make me happy, not stuff he wanted to do (did that make sense?). I am even able to be more affectionate now! This is HUGE for me! HUGE, I tell you! I love it and hope that we continue to outwardly love each other! Kaine, I believe, would benefit too.

Okay, now for my preschool stuff. I think I am making Kaine have anxiety attacks. I try and hide my anxiety about dropping him off. Which is brought on by a cycle of things. I anticipate that he is going to be upset, therefore, I get anxious. In turn, he gets anxious because we are well bonded and he can read me like a book! Why do I feel like this? Because he is hysterical when I drop him off (with pounding heart and all). They tell me (and even took pictures) that he is perfectly fine all day. When I come to pick him up he is crying again (I have yet to be the first parent to pick up, so Kaine starts to cry when the other kids leave). But he does tell me about his day and says that he has fun. I just think he is anticipating me leaving and my feelings about him being upset. The good thing is, although he cry's when I drop him off he is getting better while I am away. He whined a little bit the first few days, yesterday he didn't cry at all. Good news to me. Plus, I had a conversation with his teachers and told them I was conserned that they were not doing enough to engage him. I told them that they couldn't just tell him "to stop crying" they had to do something about it. The older teacher took him under her wing and made him her "special helper". She said he was really helpful (I could have told her that, lol!) and that he did really well. Before this, all of the feedback I was getting was, "He did fine". SO, not good enough! But, it seems to be on the up-and-up. I just have to figure out how to handle the emotional outbursts without damaging Kaine's and I's relationship or damaging his image of school (something he will probably have 20+ years of).

Kaine's 1st Day of Preshool Pictures

I know I don't usually post pictures but this background was to cute to pass up. Here is a smattering of pictures from Kaine's first day of Preschool!
I don't know why it is showing those other two pages on there first, just go to the last page and you will see the pictures. I tried to fix it, but apparently, I have no idea how to do that!

First Day of Preschool

Today was Kaine's first day of preschool. He goes to the First United Methodist Preschool downtown on 1st Street. I think there are only like 5 other kids in his class, which is nice. He goes from nine to noon. He was really excited about it. I have been talking to him about it for weeks now. Even went to the library and got all of the "back to school" books that they had on the shelf. I started telling him last night that I was going to drop him off at school and "Kaine is going to stay and Mommy is going to go bye-bye. Okay?" I wasn't sure he got it the first time. By the second (or was it third?) he was saying, "Okay, Kaine stay and Mommy go bye-bye". Which was great. I still didn't really think that he got what I was talking about.

So, now comes the day to put it to the test. We got there early, because I thought there was going to be traffic and there was not. So, we were 30 minutes early. But, they have a really great park right across the street and we played with the other kids that were waiting for school to open. When nine rolled around we headed for the building. Kaine was really impatient to go inside and didn't like waiting in the line for them to open the door (they lock the door before, during and after school). When the door was open, Kaine was fussing about going into the class room. As Matt and I signed him in, he made his own way through the crowd to his classroom (which he remembered where it was!). By the time we got there (a few moments later) he had already made his way to the carpet and pulled down the big truck toy. He was completely carefree. Matt and I considered just backing out (after telling the staff how to use cloth diapers, lol). But, I didn't want him to look up and we be gone and then he not want to go to school anymore (because, after all, Mommy and Daddy disappear when I go in this room). That would be tragic! So, we walked over to him and gave him a kiss and a hug and told him bye. He barely moved and quickly went right back to playing with his toy truck.

Surprisingly, I was fine this whole time. I did have some butterflies when I was driving in to town. But I knew that I had prepared him and that I was prepared to leave. I was glad that he really did seem to be ready for this day and was excited for it to finally be there. When I left the building, this is when it hit me. I felt instantly lonely! I started to cry. Not to bad, I kept it in check. It was still a big step for me. I think I might have actually lost it if Matt wasn't there (I was embarrassed and he helped me pull it together!).

I went and worked out at the gym and took a shower. Got some gas and an iced mocha from a Starbucks that I passed (because I had time to kill). I was even able to sit outside for a while at the Starbucks, it was pretty nice to have some time to myself. Then I headed back to get Kaine. It ended up that I can't tell time and was there 30 minutes early! I thought I would be right on time. Anyway, I waited until I saw the director open up the door for the school until I got out of the car. Apparently, other parents were early too and Kaine was one of the last ones to be picked up. As soon as I walked into the door I heard him crying from the main door. He was saying, "I wan to go bye-bye!". He had seen all of the other kids leaving and didn't understand what was going on. Poor guy. I talked to the teacher and she said he did fine. They did have some trouble with the diapering situation but, are willing to work with it. (Bless them!) So, next week will be a  full week for him (two whole days!). I think he will do just fine.

This is what Kaine says they did at school today (as he said it):

• Play toys
• Ready "Book Story"
• Play Sand
• Eat yummy snack
• Sing and Clap (to which he kept saying, "Mommy sing song!")
• Have juice

He also came home with a sticker, which he kept pointing out. It was too funny!