I've Been Busy

Life has revealed some crazy things to me! Lot's of things have been going on. I am not even sure where to begin. That is probably why I haven't written anything in a while.

Anyway, my baby wanting hasn't really gone away. We still want all the babies that we can and God will let us! However, I have a hormonal imbalance that has made me pre-menopausal (i.e. infertile!). I had a saliva profile done and got my results on Friday. Basically, I am estrogen dominate and need to do hormone replacement therapy to resupply my body with progesterone and balance everything else out. Also, the test down right confirmed that I have PCOS. (No surprise there! We have always suspected this; since I was 15!) So, we are working on figuring out the right protocol. 

What IS clear, is that A LOT of things are about to change-Inside and Out! New diet, new exercise plan (or, I should say AN exercise plan, lol), new hormone therapy, new daily schedule and a brand new menstrual cycle (hopefully one that makes sense and let's me get prego!). LOTS going on!

Also, Kaine and I are about to go down a new path. Homeschool curriculum is in the mail and on it's way to our house! I have chosen Catholic Heritage Curriculum as our preschool program. We have chosen Kolbe Academy for the rest of his education (this I have already written on). Kolbe doesn't have a preschool program so, for a few months now, I have been in search of a good, comprehensive, religious and motivating curriculum to start our journey. I am excited about it and can't wait for our package to get here! We are going to be doing religion, music, phonics, shapes, numbers, letters, colors, sounds, and learning about the Liturgical year (Church calendar). It will be great!

We are also looking into getting Kaine into some extra curricular activities like gymnastics. He needs some kid time and some sort of energy release. I haven't found a good place yet. Once my Nanny duties are done, we will be looking more and more into it. (Alas, all things will be dependent of my freeing up my time and focusing on getting healthy.)

It's Halloween Season!

I have been super busy lately. Which has been a blessing (not having to focus on "baby" stuff anymore!). But, I am also starting to feel ill. Hope it goes away quickly. Anyway...
I have just finished Kaine's Angry Bird costume. I didn't want to spend $60 for the retail version. Not to mention that they are made so cheaply (which makes me even angrier about the price tag!) so, I made my own. I got a Simplicity pattern for around $10 at Joanne's. It was for a chicken costume (and another costume that is a pumpkin- SO CUTE). So, I figured I could turn the chicken costume into a red Angry Bird. So, I did. It came out amazing!! I am so thrilled by it, that I am planning on entering a Halloween costume contest too. I just love it to death. Plus, when Kaine put it on, he immediately started to act like he was a Angry Bird, with awesome sound effects too. We took him outside so I could get a good picture by our pumpkins. He started to "flap" his wings. It was really, really cute! He loves it. I am so happy about the whole thing.
Also, I am making Matt's Cher costume too. I am not so thrilled about this one. I kinda messed up on the shirt so, now I am trying to fix my mistakes without making it look too crappy (or having to eat the cost and just go out and make/or find something that will work). :( So, we will see about how this comes out. But, it entails a "fringe" or "tassel" like shirt (complete with beads!). Made out of white pleather. Can you just imagine? LOL. I also ordered a Cher wig from Amazon.com. It is hilariously long. I want to get some bright red lipstick, some make-up/paint (think foundation), stick on nails and of course (!) some fake eye lashes. Don't you wish you were coming to our Halloween party?? Haha!
We are both going to wear jeans made into bell-bottoms. I found a really good tutorial online that shows how to easily transform a pair of regular jeans into bell-bottoms. Which is nice because then you know the jeans are going to fit and then, possibly, you could just take them apart again and have your regular jeans back again (that is, if I feel like putting them back together, lol).
I am going to be Sonny, of course. I just bought a really expensive wig and mustache combo. I was trying to avoid this but, could not find a good alternative at a party store (the three that I went to, by-the-way). Then I am going to be wearing a tie-dye shirt that I got at the party store. And some "rose colored" glasses.  It is going to be hilarious. So, hilarity will ensue.

What we have been doing:

I've been busy lately. On a LOT of different levels. School is in the works (as in, I am going back, REALLY, I am!). Kaine is starting school again in September (3 days a week this time). We are going to stop watching other kids (because I do now, we just can't work out the watch kids and go to school schedule). Matt is working his butt off but, not as much as he was (thank goodness). We just got back from Kentucky to visit Matt's family and it was really pleasant (except not really the 10 hour drive - both ways!). I have been on detox and have seen significant improvement in weight loss and my bleeding has completely stopped (!!!). We are trying to conceive (again!- I am finally ready to try again). Matt's birthday is also coming up at the end of August (not to mention that Lilly just turned 5 and Mom just had a birthday too- Lots of birthday's in this family!).
In fact, the birthday thing is crazy! Look at this:

January- no one
February- Grace
March- Jared
April- Mickey
May- Brent, Kaine,  Big Elliott (Poppa) and Kristen
June- Lilly, Allana, George, Savannah and George Sr.
(Mom and George's Anniversary too)
July- Mom
August- Matt
September- Landon
October- Jordan, Douglas
November- Haley, Me, Grandma and Dad
December- Melissa, Patty, Kaylen
*and I can't remember when Little Elliot's birthday is but, I think it is in the spring. Also, I am sure I am leaving some people out too. Anyway, summer is crazy birthday months!

Anyway, Kaine is fully potty trained now too. It took forever! He was pretty good about going pee but, didn't always want to. He seemed to just want to do it off and on. Then he was going all the time (like every 10-15 minutes). We had to still keep pull-ups on him though, because he refused to poop in the potty. It was crazy and frustrating! We pretty much made him sit on the potty until he went because he knew when he had to go but, he would run away and hide so he wouldn't have to sit. (He also had a HUGE rejection of public toilets- I think it was a noise thing- they flush really loud and he HATED to be in there when the potties were making noise.) One day, he just decided he was going to start and use the potty and we haven't looked back since. He was, for a bit, wearing things for bed but, he seemed to be holding it pretty well and we decided to just go cold turkey. So, we took them off, let him go to the potty before bed and waited to see what happened. He had a few accidents but, nothing terrible. Once he got through nap time completely dry we knew he was going to be fine at bedtime too. Then, like I said, there was no looking back. He is very good now and can completely use the potty by himself (we do need to work on him pulling his pants up, however!). So, yay for big boys! (But I seriously don't want to think about the next one!)

The saga

I haven't really had anything interesting to say lately, except rants. I really don't want to make this blog an "angry" one. I do like to come here to complain about stuff, just to get it out and so I can move past it. However, I don't want it to be ALL about that.

However, there have been many things bothering me lately. I am just not sure I am ready to talk about them yet. Especially this one thing, involving a certain "couple" that really seems bizarre. I can't seem to wrap my head around it. In fact, I totally see myself avoiding the WHOLE thing. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable and I REALLY, REALLY don't know why. I am not one to ignore those feelings, I just don't know what to do about it. It shouldn't even be this big of a deal. I guess that is why I feel I can't figure it out. Ok, I guess I should just go ahead and tell you the story. Maybe writing it out will make it go away (or lessen the affects it is having on me!).

Matt's brother is getting married. No big deal, right? Why is it making my stomach turn at the mere mention on this happy occasion? He "proposed" to her after ONLY 5 weeks of knowing/dating her. (I say "proposed" because I have YET to be told of a proposal story or SEEN a ring!) Who does that? Yeah, yeah, I get the whole "we are in love and you JUST KNOW" crap. (I really don't think it is crap, because I "just knew" with Matt really early too, but come on!)

Anyway, the issue is this: he keeps dating THE SAME GIRL. I am not just talking about them having similarities, I am talking about it going like this:
Oh, she is nice.
Oh, she seems sweet.
Oh, she has sort of a past.
Oh, she may actually be skanky.
Oh, she is crazy.
Oh, she really, really, really, is crazy.

And the relationship goes like this:
I just got out of a bad relationship.
Oh, I am dating someone again (way too soon).
I REALLY love her!
She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!
Oh, we broke up because I didn't like her past.
Oh, we are back together again.
Oh, we broke up again because she has a drinking problem (insert problem where "drinking" is).
We really love each other.
Want to move in?
All is well and we "may be" getting married.
We are breaking up.
We are back together again (this is the point where everyone in the family just wishes they would work their shit out already and either move on or stay together).
We really are broken up and are NEVER getting back together again!
Repeat.

The bad thing is, this process is dragged out over years. YEARS! The first one was about 3 years. The next one was about 3-3 and a half years. They were pretty much back-to-back. I know it is his life but, it affects mine too! Especially now, since I have a child who still asks about "where the other one is".

I am really uncomfortable with this whole situation. I don't agree with it. I think he rushes way to fast and furious toward something that, plainly, just takes time! He wants it all and he wants it NOW! I don't want my son falling for someone else just to see them walk away (or be thrown out) of his life again. But, it really isn't about that either. I just think Matt's brother is displaying some serious self destructive behavior and, frankly, I am NOT okay with that!

Isn't it weird that it bothers me so much? I guess because I feel like pieces of the puzzle just DON'T make since. Why so sudden? Why her? Is this really something you should enter into so lightly (marriage I mean)? I don't know what to think!

Waiting...

Waiting sucks! I mean it, really, really, really, really....REALLY sucks! The worst part is, I am in the middle of my waiting period and won't know anything for at least two more weeks. That is IF my body decides to be normal.

In the mean time....Matt ran a 5K this weekend at Disney. It was the ESPN "The Weekend" run for something. I don't know what he placed. I don't know what time he got there. I don't know what time he got done. So, pretty much I am useless in the telling of the information of this event, if you wanna know! He said it was "alright". All I know is, he wore a kilt and some shoes that were killing his feet. He also did it for his client because, you know, he is good as a supporter! So, yay! for that.

Kaine is getting gigantic. They actually told me today, at school, that the pants I put on him were to tight (which there were NOT, thank you very much). They sent him home in size 6 (I had him in 4's). The reason? He apparently can't pull them up after he goes to the potty. Okay?? Have you seen that kids butt? I get that they have 8 other children in that class but, seriously? you can't help a kid out?? It just annoys me is all. They told me to go and get him bigger ones. Yeah! That ain't happening! LOL I just won't let him wear the offensive ones anymore. AND on top of that, as I put those pants on him this morning the thought ran across my brain, "Well, at least I managed to put on some pants that you will be able to put on and off". Which I NEVER do! Most of the pants/shorts he wears has buttons and zippers! I don't ever hear complaints about that. Weird, right?

More on waiting. I have decided that if I do not get a positive test result this go round, I am going to seriously start the getting in shape and losing 60+ pounds thing. (I don't really know if it is 60+, I'm just saying, it is a lot!) So, that is where my focus will lie for a while. I really and actually WANT to do it this time. NOT like me. I am going to start lifting weights because everything else bores me to tears. If I am pregnant the workout routine will be this:

• Walk at least 30 minutes a day (you know, on purpose)
• Yoga for pregnancy video
• Weight lifting (stuff I can do, like arms)
• Swimming

So, there will be plenty to keep me busy. I am really just tired of all of the nasty photos I have seen lately and I am done! with that phase, thank you VERY much!!!

The love of Sisters

Like most of my posts, I am not sure where this one will end up. I am not even sure I have a starting point. I just need to talk. I am really starting to doubt the connections in my life. My people connections. I really don't feel like people are anywhere near the friendship level that I am. Maybe I come off a little to strong? I really do wish someone would open up to me and let me know how I make people feel. I am starting to think that people just don't "want to deal" with me. Not nice. I just want someone to open up to, you know, like someone with the same type of insight (woman stuff and the struggles that go with). I am seriously done with surface friendships. Maybe I should walk around with a sign around my neck that reads: "Serious, meaningful relationship people should only reply". All I need is just one good friend. Just one. That's not asking too much is it?

Honestly, I think that is why God gives you sisters. Although, I wouldn't say that I am SUPER close with either one of my sisters. Partly because of the physical distance between us. Partly because we have emotional issues and can't seem to come together in a more united way. Having said that, I miss them. I think they are the only ones that truly know "me". I don't even have to say anything, because you already know they are on the next page with you. I guess I just miss really having sisters. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to lean on, cry on and just plain have around, no questions asked.

Sorry, still not over the whole baby thing. Trying to come to terms with something that I have known about for a while but, somehow, didn't want to believe. I guess the doctors were right, having or even getting pregnant, for me, is going to be a long road. I just wish I had someone around that understood the pain. You just need someone to step up and fill the void without being shown the way.

Public Property

I am live again. Hopefully it won't cause the problems it did last time. Although, I still have a lot to say about all of that...I am going to keep a lid on it! Isn't censorship grand??

Anyway, I am hoping to be able to get more traffic here by being public. I don't think I should be censored or bottled up. Plus, I really enjoy knowing what others are going through in their own lives and I would like them to be able to see that they are not alone.

Here is to being able to still speak my mind without the crazies interfering.

The Real Story

I have been working on Christmas things around here lately. Plus, I have been sort of depressed too. This time of year always does it to me. My birthday brings on really bad memories of loss. It sometimes takes hold of me in a "death grip" style of grief. Especially if I am menstruating when I was REALLY hoping I was pregnant. (I mentioned hysterical pregnancy right!?) So depression sets in pretty heavy. But the bleeding has stopped and so has, obviously, my "hysterical pregnancy" (I really did convince myself that I was pregnant and didn't want to accept that I wasn't- I was even willing to convince myself that the blood test results "MUST be wrong!")

I told Matt after all of that that I  really didn't feel like trying again. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately want a baby, I just feel like I need to focus on something else, at least, for a month or so. So, hopefully the new year will bring about a better outlook and more opportunities for us to conceive.

On blog news, I feel like I am being censored by having a private blog. I really hate it. I really think that my blog should be out there for people who lurk and need to hear some sort of "alternative truth" (if you will) for the crap that we are fed in this county (about health, choices or raising a family). But, I also don't want to have to actually censor my thoughts in order to make it public again. Not to mention, that I am NOT going to go back and re-do or delete the "questionable content" that people were so up-in-arms about. I guess the only thing that I would have to do would be to not talk about MIL. Because, I am positive that she still searches for this blog, because, after all, she IS nosy and pretends to be interested when she really isn't (so she can use it against you when you least expect it). Is there a way to safely, without disrupting other family member ties, to distance yourself from someone? I really do feel like I need to learn this art. I literally will be standing thinking, as something is coming out of my mouth, "Why in God's name are you telling her this!?" I think I need more friends! lol I am working on that!   <---See it is impossible to even mention the problem without letting out some steam! UGH!

Anyway, I am thinking about making a purely pregnancy blog, when the time comes. I really, REALLY want to be able to be out there about our choices. I think it will help others come to a better, more personal birth decision for themselves and their families. Of course, because no one (other than about 2 people) that I know will actually support me in our decision to go unassisted, it will be anonymous and not linked to this one, unless it is under "blogs I like and you might like too". So, look for me to let you know more about that too.

I am thinking the blog is going to go public sometime next week. You may get email updates, so I can keep it sort of private. We will see...

Relationships

After Matt and I's upsetting and surprising talk we have been doing tons better. So much so, that it feels like it did when we were dating (or first married!). Such a plus. I think the turning point, for me, is that I got to see how upset he would be if I did leave. I think I needed to see it, not just know it, you know? (I am a freak!) I didn't want to upset him (I really didn't think it would) but benefited, literally overnight, by his emotional outburst. I was having a problem connecting with him because I felt that he was just doing things to make me happy, not stuff he wanted to do (did that make sense?). I am even able to be more affectionate now! This is HUGE for me! HUGE, I tell you! I love it and hope that we continue to outwardly love each other! Kaine, I believe, would benefit too.

Okay, now for my preschool stuff. I think I am making Kaine have anxiety attacks. I try and hide my anxiety about dropping him off. Which is brought on by a cycle of things. I anticipate that he is going to be upset, therefore, I get anxious. In turn, he gets anxious because we are well bonded and he can read me like a book! Why do I feel like this? Because he is hysterical when I drop him off (with pounding heart and all). They tell me (and even took pictures) that he is perfectly fine all day. When I come to pick him up he is crying again (I have yet to be the first parent to pick up, so Kaine starts to cry when the other kids leave). But he does tell me about his day and says that he has fun. I just think he is anticipating me leaving and my feelings about him being upset. The good thing is, although he cry's when I drop him off he is getting better while I am away. He whined a little bit the first few days, yesterday he didn't cry at all. Good news to me. Plus, I had a conversation with his teachers and told them I was conserned that they were not doing enough to engage him. I told them that they couldn't just tell him "to stop crying" they had to do something about it. The older teacher took him under her wing and made him her "special helper". She said he was really helpful (I could have told her that, lol!) and that he did really well. Before this, all of the feedback I was getting was, "He did fine". SO, not good enough! But, it seems to be on the up-and-up. I just have to figure out how to handle the emotional outbursts without damaging Kaine's and I's relationship or damaging his image of school (something he will probably have 20+ years of).

Thanksgiving

Link to the picture above: http://positiverealestateprofessionals.com/ara/files/2009/11/wild_turkeyTOM.jpg via: "The Arkansas Realtor"

I have mixed feelings about this holiday. I love all of the food. I love to be with family (most of them, anyway). I hate having to choose between which family I spend it with, however. The plan, as it has worked out, this year is:

Cook our own Thanksgiving, for the day
Go to Matt's parent's house in the evening

This means that my family does not get any attention this year. For this, I am bothered. I love spending time with my family, all of the traditions and such. I hate having to choose who to spend the day with! 

Why have we come to such a compromise this year? Well, that is the question to ask! This year my grandmother is hosting Thanksgiving at her house. She lives in Fernandina, FL. The last time that I drove out there for the day, it took me 3 hours to get there. One way! This is how it would be if we went:

Get up at 7 am
Get in car by 8am
Drive 3 hours to arrive at 11am
Eat Thanksgiving lunch with my family

Leave at 1pm
Drive 4 hours to get to Ocala
Arrive at 5pm
Eat Thanksgiving dinner with Matt's family
Go home exhausted


This is not feasible! We would have to be in the car for a total of almost 8 hours of this day (we would have a 40 minute drive back home from Ocala). I could drive to Atlanta for the day! So this is the new plan:


Stay home
Get up whenever we want (the baby and Matt anyway!)
Cook some Thanksgiving food
Give Kaine a nap
Go to Matt's parents house when Kaine wakes up
40 minute drive
Eat and hang out
40 minute drive back
Not being exhausted from the day


This is a total of 80 minutes or 1 hour and 20 minutes of driving. This, as you can clearly see, is WAY better! 


But I did say I was having mixed feeling, didn't I? Well, part of me feels bad for having to choose and the other part of me is saying, "This could be good!". I may be able to set my own traditions and spend time with my little family and be truly thankful for what I have. So, I have decided to focus on this last part. We are not doing something all that extravagant for our meal. This is what we will be having:


Citrus-Stuffed Herb roasted Turkey
Roasted Brussels sprouts, asparagus, and broccoli with Toasted Hazelnuts
Holiday Waldorf Salad
Cranberry Orange Relish
Sweet potato Pie


Not the typical, but better for you! This is all from the cook book: "The Healthiest Meals on Earth" by Jonny Bowden, Ph.D, C.N.S.


Either way, should be good and looking forward to it!!
Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving, don't forget to think on what you are truly thankful for!!

Boy Scouts "Go See It"- Train Museum and Jail GCS, FL

This is Part ONE:

More to come when my phone gets done charging. This took forever to upload. It was a lot of fun. Jordan and Grace and even Kaine enjoyed it. I was surprised that it was as big as it was. A lot of information in a tiny place but it was very enteresting.

The Caboose at the Train Museum in Green Cove Springs

All Aboard! We are going up the steps to get on the Caboose!

Showing us how the breaks work.

Freight Car Locks.

Weighing the "cargo".

High School Mascot. It was in the Museum with all of the photos about Clay High School. Blue Devils!

Clay High School Class of 1939.

Baby Clothes from a resident in Clay County.

Dresses from local Resident.

Note Says: "Medical bag of Dr. L.C. Fisher

Green Cove Springs" Can't make out the date!

Medical bag.

American Flag. (Didn't see what this was used for, but thought it was really nice!)

Grace on the Caboose!

Inmate in the hall of jail.

Jordan waiting for tour to start! So excited!

Jordan, sad because he is in jail. With the cook.

"I don't want to be in jail!"

Escaping from jail.

House built by historical society.

Jordan and Grace looking at the back of the doll house.

Valentine's and Happenings

Okay, so Valentine's day was really nice. I had a lot of fun. I made an all chocolate dinner. I didn't think it could be done at first but everything had chocolate in it in one way or the other! It was awesome. I will probably put a picture up of it! Or you can go to my facebook account and see all of the new pictures that I just put up. Okay, what is new.... We are still in search of the right thing to do about a car. Matt doesn't want to spend more than $600 on the car if we fix it and I don't want to spend any more on it! But I see his point. A one time (hopefully, we thought we were done last time) charge is better than making payments, which we just got done doing (on his car anyway, I never had a car payment, thank goodness & my dad). We are searching again for a new oral surgeon, because we believe that it is stupid to have to pay everything up front. We also do not want to go with their payment plan that is through CapitalOne because that bank has a bad reputation for turning around and sticking you with a huge interest rate out of the blue! So no thanks! But on a good note, my teeth are not killing me anymore ( I know this will be short lived). We are trying to get out of debt. With all the hospital bills we have it is going to be tough but I believe we will be able to do it. It's just not going that fast for me. I like things just to go away and not linger. Bills linger. They kill my spirit! LOL We want to get the baby a puppy. I just got an email from mom saying one of her friends just found 6 puppies on the road and they need good homes. We were going to wait until the baby was a year old (like for his birthday or something). The puppies are free and lab/mix. Matt and I really want a Catahoula. Look them up they are REALLY beautiful and are suppose to be the best breed for babies and young children, especially if they grow up together. Here is a link: http://dogtime.com/catahoula-leopard-dog.html Read the part about families and children, they sound like just the type of dog we are looking for. So we may just hold out for this one. We will have to see. I am just not ready for a dog at this moment. I think its like pregnancy, I have to get used to the idea first. Go through the whole gestational period and then get my prize. I am now taking my drugs. I immediately felt a difference and I hope that my body does not get used to it too quickly. I would like to feel normal for a while. I have also noticed that I am being nicer to my husband, he doesn't get on my nerves as much! We have been talking and mending. We weren't ever that far away from each other, we just weren't walking hand in hand as much. It's nice. Things don't look so bleak to me anymore. Okay, well thats all the updates from this end. Hopefully, I will have more good news soon.