I've Been Busy

Life has revealed some crazy things to me! Lot's of things have been going on. I am not even sure where to begin. That is probably why I haven't written anything in a while.

Anyway, my baby wanting hasn't really gone away. We still want all the babies that we can and God will let us! However, I have a hormonal imbalance that has made me pre-menopausal (i.e. infertile!). I had a saliva profile done and got my results on Friday. Basically, I am estrogen dominate and need to do hormone replacement therapy to resupply my body with progesterone and balance everything else out. Also, the test down right confirmed that I have PCOS. (No surprise there! We have always suspected this; since I was 15!) So, we are working on figuring out the right protocol. 

What IS clear, is that A LOT of things are about to change-Inside and Out! New diet, new exercise plan (or, I should say AN exercise plan, lol), new hormone therapy, new daily schedule and a brand new menstrual cycle (hopefully one that makes sense and let's me get prego!). LOTS going on!

Also, Kaine and I are about to go down a new path. Homeschool curriculum is in the mail and on it's way to our house! I have chosen Catholic Heritage Curriculum as our preschool program. We have chosen Kolbe Academy for the rest of his education (this I have already written on). Kolbe doesn't have a preschool program so, for a few months now, I have been in search of a good, comprehensive, religious and motivating curriculum to start our journey. I am excited about it and can't wait for our package to get here! We are going to be doing religion, music, phonics, shapes, numbers, letters, colors, sounds, and learning about the Liturgical year (Church calendar). It will be great!

We are also looking into getting Kaine into some extra curricular activities like gymnastics. He needs some kid time and some sort of energy release. I haven't found a good place yet. Once my Nanny duties are done, we will be looking more and more into it. (Alas, all things will be dependent of my freeing up my time and focusing on getting healthy.)

Provisions of Faith

I feel encouragement. I feel hope. Well, maybe not fully. But, I am trying. I know that there is now a reason for so many things to have happened in my life. (This, I have always suspected.) God does have a plan. I now know that I wasn't suppose to get pregnant. God was trying to tell me this whole time that I had something wrong with me. He does know that there are things that affect us, even if we can't see them ourselves. This is not going to be an easy journey. I am at the beginning of a long and tedious battle. I don't even know yet what I am facing, in fact. I just know it isn't going to be an easy one.
Now, I know I am being dramatic. It is part of who I am (most can't handle it). But, we are all selfish beings whose problems are amplified because it is the only thing we truly experience on our own. If we can somehow step outside of ourselves, we may be able to overcome (with God's divine help). It is precisely this power that has me so calm. I feel like I should be freaking out. Especially faced with the possibilities of what might be coming (more later). I just don't have it. I am in a pure "wait and see" type of feeling. A "peace that passes all understanding", I assume. It can only be from God. It is so unnatural that that is the only place it has to be from. I have to say, it is nice. In the face of hard times to have such a calm is comforting, uplifting and encouraging. A sort of "hope floats" type of thing, if you will. God is great and will provide.
Peace and understanding and love. That is what you need when you feel like you are about to fall off the face of the earth. God provides. He does, if you are willing to lay yourself aside and trust Him. That is the only condition and, although it isn't easy to do, the pay-off is worth it. You get so much more back. More than you could ever imagine. More than I could ever describe. God's love is all encompassing. God provides. God provides.

That's that.

****TMI WARNING****

     I took a pregnancy test this evening and it was negative. Still bleeding. Haven't passed any tissue, as of yet. Small to dime sized clots, followed by some dark red blood flow. Minor (seriously minor) cramps, off and on. I guess we are in for a drawn out loss. Not happy. Not sure where we are going to go from here. Don't really want to do anything. A bit angry. Mostly numb. Not really feeling anything. Matt's not taking it well but, trying to hide it. Gotta love a man that will protect you, no matter what. 

Uh oh...

Started bleeding yesterday (now 9 weeks). Not that bad. Once I get off my feet it seems to stop or slow down. Started out red and (mostly with clots. thought I was just passing a clot). Now it is dark and only there when I wipe. I know my body is going through the corpus lutem to placenta change, and I hope this has something to do with it. Also, that a uterine growth spurt is suppose to be happening about this time (which, in some women, apparently, can cause bleeding). So, I am hoping that this is all it is. Also, maybe it has something to do with low lying placenta? or placenta implantation? Many options. Most of what I have heard and read has said "don't worry, it is normal" and "as long as you aren't bleeding enough to need a pad, don't worry". I can say, at least, that last time I needed a pad within hours of the bleeding starting. Also, I have a personal friend that significant bleeding (due to blood -think "old blood"- being trapped between her uterus and the babies amniotic sac.) She now has a healthy 6th month old with NO problems. The bleeding also resolved it self after about 3 weeks. She was on bed rest at first and then they said, light activity. So...yeah.
The biggest thing is, that it isn't getting worse (last time it did). It is also getting darker which, as far a bleeding goes, is a "good sign". So...IDK, just freaking out a little. I guess not being past 10 weeks (that's when the miscarriage happened last April) is making me nervous. I am trying not to worry, especially since no one else seems to be worried about it. Except Matt and I. 

Eight Weeks and 9/11

     Saturday was eight weeks. I'm late at posting, Saturdays aren't really good days for me to get on here. We are usually out doing stuff. Anyway...
     The pregnancy so far is going awesome. I am already in maternity clothes because my other pants just "aren't comfortable". I can still button my regular pants and wear them however, when I sit there is this uncomfortable pressure. We also discovered yesterday that I have a "baby bump". Nothing really big enough to write home about and you can't tell that I am pregnant (unless you actually know that I am wearing maternity clothes).
     My symptoms have eased up this week too. I am still really thirsty (I suspect because it is still really hot). I'm not nauseous and I am super hungry. My boobs are still sensitive but, they are getting better (or I am just getting more and more used to it). My nose is really sensitive. I think the biggest thing about this week is that it has really hit me that I am pregnant! The excitement is beginning to really come out! I actually want to tell people but, I haven't and I know that that is the best decision, for now.
     Weepiness is crazy too. Especially yesterday being the tenth anniversary of 9/11. We watched "102 Minutes that Changed America" on History last night. It was commercial free and it felt as if it was happening right then. It was footage that people in New York were taking from their windows and the street. It contained shots that the news cameras didn't even get. It was a bit intense but, it was appropriate for the occasion and I would recommend it to anyone who would really want to "re-live" the day (not that you would want to). It was really well done though, you should check it out.
Also, I really want to go and see the memorial that was unveiled, it came out amazing! Two fountains that have a void that the water is trying to wash away. There is also a museum too. Amazing!

Seven Weeks

     I was officially seven weeks yesterday. I still have not told anyone (except both of my sisters, because we were in a competition to see who could lose the most weight and were telling each other every week how much we had lost. Couldn't very well keep up with that now could I?). I had an unexpected stay over with my mom last week (out of pure exhaustion and a great opportunity to buy school clothes) and she, or course, said, "I feel like you have to tell me something. Is there anything that you want to tell me?" When I said, "No." (because, at this time, I do not want to tell her). She said, "I think you might be pregnant." Which sort of surprised me but, not really. She, after-all was the one to tell me insist really that I was pregnant with Kaine before the tests revealed anything (and believe me, I had taken plenty!). However, I didn't confirm anything and will let her think what she wants for some time. No pressure, remember?
     So, I have been feeling extremely tired lately. I really don't remember it being this bad. Yesterday I swear I spent all day in bed. I have been nauseous too. But, I did have that last time and thank goodness, I rarely seem to actually get sick. Morning sickness doesn't seem to last after the first trimester for me either. Which is a major blessing. My breasts have also been reacting to this pregnancy. I am SO thankful that it is no where near the pain level that I felt last time (thought I had lymphoma, I was in so much pain! No, seriously!). I have also had some abdominal pressure (in the beginning weeks). Sleep is uncomfortable, I just can't seem to get the right position. My body also aches, which I read is very common (I guess with all the different hormones and ligaments softening and just plain changes that I am going through, there is bound to be some growing pains). Hunger was strong at first (probably because I was still following a diet) but now I have to force myself to eat (I am not hungry, at all). I also have a strong milk aversion, which is weird (never had that before). So, those are the symptoms, thus far.
     I feel like this pregnancy is wonderful and God sent. That nothing will happen because God's hand is on it. I also have peace, that if something were to happen, it is all part of the bigger plan to bring me closer to God. I am going to use this pregnancy as a faith builder. I am going to focus on the positives and let everything else be in God's hands. There are still things I am working on, that God is currently leading me to and through. I have faith that He is with me every step of the way. I have faith that this path is His path and I am not being led astray. All things work to the glory of God.

I have DIVINE news!

Have you guessed what it might be? Well...have you?? hehe.

Yesterday was Matt's birthday. I wanted to wait and test (you know what I mean!) until this day. I really felt lead to wait. So, I waited. But, instead of testing, I went into the bathroom (the most private place in the whole house!) and took a Bible with me. I have, I don't know if I have ever mentioned this before, a connection with God through asking questions and being able to open right up to the passage/verse that I need. (If that didn't make any sense, it hopefully will soon.) So, I went into the bathroom and asked God for a sign. I opened the Bible, and lo and behold (!) the very first verse I read said this (unfortunately, I didn't write down the reference!):

"Let this be a sign unto you" 

How awesome, incredible and totally divine is that!!?? I knew God wouldn't let me down! Also, Matt got the birthday wish that he wanted granted. When I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he said, jokingly, "Make me a baby!" lol. Well, God knows (and perhaps has a greater sense of humor than I already thought) the desires of our hearts. He is faithful and deserves ALL the glory! 

We also got our speculum in, that I mentioned that I ordered in one of my lasts posts. Matt and I checked last night, out of pure curiosity (not lack of faith in God's Word) to see what Chadwick's sign looks like. We got a definite positive Chadwick sign. It looked just like all of the pictures I have ever seen of it. Plus, it was cool, which, I suspect, was the whole reason we wanted to look in the first place. (Did I mention that such things DO NOT gross out my husband? Well, they don't. Which, I am so grateful to say, is one of the things that makes us work so well!)

So, according to my calculations we are 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant! I am currently having:

• Mood swings
• Restless leg syndrom
• Hunger
• Engulfing sleepiness (except at night)
• Insomnia
• Stomach/Intestinal issues
• Nausea 
• Sore/Tender Breasts
• Plate-like areolas
• Lower back/body aches
• Missed period
• Sensitivity to smells
• And all that was mentioned before
• High, softer, closed cervix
• Clear fluid discharge

We are "due" April 21, 2012. Although the average pregnancy lasts 265 days from conception which really puts us closer to April 11-12, 2012. But, we are going to tell everyone mid May and keep the date to ourselves. I don't want people pestering me. (Aren't you guys lucky!?)
Also, speaking of people pestering me; we aren't planning on telling anyone about our pregnancy until about five months or so. I am a bit larger, body wise, so I don't think this should be a problem. And, of course, just in case something happens (which I have a peace about, regarding that this one is good and viable!) we don't want people getting their hopes up or making a bigger deal (or not such a big deal-which is worse) out of our loss. People were really bad about pestering me last time. I was REALLY stressed out and I didn't enjoy any of that short-lived pregnancy. So, in keeping with harmony and peace, no one will know until Christmas or around/past the New Year.

*Oh also, Kaine starts school next Wednesday. Meet the teacher is on Friday. And! It has taken me triple the time to type this because Kaine pulled off the "I" button on our laptop and we can't find it anywhere. It is really annoying! More on all of this later. *Blessings!

Future Baby Names - Girl

     I have been thinking -a lot- lately about baby names. I have decided that Evangeline will be the next name that we use - providing, of course, that we have a girl. I want the next baby to have a name that means something. That truly is beautiful. That shows how much that baby was/is wanted. Names, in my opinion, should mean something. (Kaine, by the way, is named after his paternal grandfather - Braxton Kaine Mallard - his grandfather was Robert Braxton Mallard).
     Evangeline means "good news; bearer of good news" (from this site). Also, "like an angel" (from this site) . This too, "coined from the Latin evangelium [meaning] good news (the gospel)" (from this site ). How about "messenger of good news" (from this site).  It is also a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, titled Evangeline and written in 1848.
   The feelings that the name evokes are exactly what I want. It truly would be "good news" to find out that I am pregnant. If the baby makes it the whole pregnancy she will be the "messenger of good  news" or the "bearer of good news". I can't seem to think of any better name than that!  
   I have been wondering if God was going to send me a name. I have heard many people pray about the names that they give their children and God answers. It has been on my mind, for a while, that Evangeline was a pretty name. Something - or Someone - prompted me to look up the meaning. As soon as I found out what it meant, it was like a light bulb flashed on. I am almost hoping we do have a girl at one point just so I can use it! (By the way, my companion name, if we are to ever have a twin, and a boy too (!), would be Eli. I am going to have to look that up and see what it means!)

Possibly Crying Wolf.

Everyone knows, who reads my blog and that I trust, that I am trying to get pregnant. I think I finally achieved this! Of course, my body is strange and is so far from normal, I will have to go to extremes to conventionally confirm this hypothesis. However, this is what I think.

My period week was February 12-17, 2011. On February 25th, I had spotting and some cramping. I was thinking I was starting to bleed again. It was a pretty noticeable amount but, not alarming at all. I have been waiting and charting to see what was going to happen. I have had a high cervix (with no movement, like last month when it kept yo-yo-ing between high and medium and resulting in a period) since the spotting. A few days after it happened and I had no other symptoms I assumed it could have been implantation bleeding. I was due to have another period (you know, in normal land) again around the 12th of March. Nothing has happened and I have been anxiously checking my cervix for clues of dropping to allow for menses. Nothing happened. I have also been taking pregnancy tests (and was REALLY put into a bad mood when the 12th resulted in a negative test!) but, as we all know, I have NO NO NO faith in pee tests.

So, I have started to allow myself to believe that this actually could be it. I have not believed it and when the thought has crept into my wee brain, I have pushed it violently out again. I DID NOT want to believe something that could end again. I wanted to wait for time to revel more to me. I have waited for a time that most would have confirmation granted to them -the onset of menses. I am going to try and wait another week and test, yet again, with another home pregnancy test. If I do not get medical confirmation, I will believe it until my body shows other signs. I am going to try and be even more patient and wait until two periods have passed (I have never missed two in a row, that I can count on. The first time this DID happen was when I was given many false negatives only to discover that I was indeed pregnant. My confirmation will surely show after this harsh wait). After this time I will go and get a blood test to confirm because the state of Florida requires medical confirmation of pregnancy for a birth certificate (something that is increasing in value these days).

That is the story thus far. I still wait, with much higher hopes than I was allowing myself within the torturous weeks that have passed. Hopefully, no more torture will come. Hopefully, good news will rain gently down upon our heads and soon!

Waiting...

Waiting sucks! I mean it, really, really, really, really....REALLY sucks! The worst part is, I am in the middle of my waiting period and won't know anything for at least two more weeks. That is IF my body decides to be normal.

In the mean time....Matt ran a 5K this weekend at Disney. It was the ESPN "The Weekend" run for something. I don't know what he placed. I don't know what time he got there. I don't know what time he got done. So, pretty much I am useless in the telling of the information of this event, if you wanna know! He said it was "alright". All I know is, he wore a kilt and some shoes that were killing his feet. He also did it for his client because, you know, he is good as a supporter! So, yay! for that.

Kaine is getting gigantic. They actually told me today, at school, that the pants I put on him were to tight (which there were NOT, thank you very much). They sent him home in size 6 (I had him in 4's). The reason? He apparently can't pull them up after he goes to the potty. Okay?? Have you seen that kids butt? I get that they have 8 other children in that class but, seriously? you can't help a kid out?? It just annoys me is all. They told me to go and get him bigger ones. Yeah! That ain't happening! LOL I just won't let him wear the offensive ones anymore. AND on top of that, as I put those pants on him this morning the thought ran across my brain, "Well, at least I managed to put on some pants that you will be able to put on and off". Which I NEVER do! Most of the pants/shorts he wears has buttons and zippers! I don't ever hear complaints about that. Weird, right?

More on waiting. I have decided that if I do not get a positive test result this go round, I am going to seriously start the getting in shape and losing 60+ pounds thing. (I don't really know if it is 60+, I'm just saying, it is a lot!) So, that is where my focus will lie for a while. I really and actually WANT to do it this time. NOT like me. I am going to start lifting weights because everything else bores me to tears. If I am pregnant the workout routine will be this:

• Walk at least 30 minutes a day (you know, on purpose)
• Yoga for pregnancy video
• Weight lifting (stuff I can do, like arms)
• Swimming

So, there will be plenty to keep me busy. I am really just tired of all of the nasty photos I have seen lately and I am done! with that phase, thank you VERY much!!!

So, I am confused again!

I am trying to get pregnant. If you even glance at my blog, you know this much. Lately I have been trying to figure out some sort of pattern to my body's natural cycle. What I have discovered so far is that normal has no place in my bodies rhyme or reason for doing anything. A friend suggested to me that I am highly prone to stress induces bleeding. I, at first, thought that was crazy (sorry friend). Now I am not so sure. My body has been giving me really weird signals lately. AND yes, I have been pretty stressed out lately. It really doesn't help that I see NO NO NO normality. AND the idea of me not ovulating is rearing it's ugly little head again. I thought that last month we had worked that question out (because I did ovulate). This month, however, I did not. I also seem to have really short cycles lately. I am hoping it is my body trying to get into a more normal like pattern. Seeing as how I usually have long cycles (month and a half long or more).

Basically, right now, I am really confused. I know all the signs of impending ovulation, what happens after ovulation and even what your body may be telling you when you are pregnant. But lately my body has been sending me mixed signals. For example, I should have ovulated this week. I have been taking the ovulation predictor kits for the last 3 days. All results have been negative, however, my cervical position is high and my cervical fluid is milky (which shows impending ovulation). However, I wake up this morning to an impending period (I am currently spotting). According to my charting this should be my most fertile day. I should not be bleeding, I should be ovulating. So, therefore, I conclude that my original thought (or feeling) that I only ovulate on one side, may actually be true. This isn't such a bad thing. Because, after all, I do ovulate, I just won't have as many chances of getting pregnant as most women do. Silver lining = there still is ovulation which could still equal pregnancy.

Either way, I think I am going to try and focus on other things. Maybe, like everything else seems to work out, the thing you want most will come when you aren't expecting it. Anyway, I am going to focus on weight loss and trying to learn to lift weights (because when you gain muscle it burns more energy at resting therefore, you burn more calories when you aren't doing anything!). I would just like to have some other shape than a tall oval! Ha ha!

The love of Sisters

Like most of my posts, I am not sure where this one will end up. I am not even sure I have a starting point. I just need to talk. I am really starting to doubt the connections in my life. My people connections. I really don't feel like people are anywhere near the friendship level that I am. Maybe I come off a little to strong? I really do wish someone would open up to me and let me know how I make people feel. I am starting to think that people just don't "want to deal" with me. Not nice. I just want someone to open up to, you know, like someone with the same type of insight (woman stuff and the struggles that go with). I am seriously done with surface friendships. Maybe I should walk around with a sign around my neck that reads: "Serious, meaningful relationship people should only reply". All I need is just one good friend. Just one. That's not asking too much is it?

Honestly, I think that is why God gives you sisters. Although, I wouldn't say that I am SUPER close with either one of my sisters. Partly because of the physical distance between us. Partly because we have emotional issues and can't seem to come together in a more united way. Having said that, I miss them. I think they are the only ones that truly know "me". I don't even have to say anything, because you already know they are on the next page with you. I guess I just miss really having sisters. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to lean on, cry on and just plain have around, no questions asked.

Sorry, still not over the whole baby thing. Trying to come to terms with something that I have known about for a while but, somehow, didn't want to believe. I guess the doctors were right, having or even getting pregnant, for me, is going to be a long road. I just wish I had someone around that understood the pain. You just need someone to step up and fill the void without being shown the way.

Ruminating

Having Kaine home over this break has really opened my eyes to how much I am missing (as in learning and growth) and how much I miss him. I do feel ridiculous about it too. For goodness sake, it is only a total of six hours a week that he is even away! Plus, the time is nice to have to myself. (I am hoping it is going to be even better when we actually live in town and I can put my house together!) Mostly though, I have been thinking about how most people miss this time in their and their child's growth. They, usually, have another little one by this time and don't get to enjoy it. For that, I count myself blessed -and a little cursed. I love being able to be one-on-one with him still. At the same time, my heart aches because I long to have a baby to hold too (more specifically, for him to be a baby for me to hold still). But, I know they most grow up and out of our immediate lives. I hope I am able to give him this without too much hassle.

My thoughts as of late, have been very much around these concerns. I know my longing is due to want of a new little one. Therefore, it is making me cling to Kaine even more. Because I don' want to take it for granted if he is to be our last. I am trying to accept that this may be a possibility. I really do want to make it one of my goals to full-heartedly trust that what ever comes our way is what is suppose to be in our lives and is meant as a blessing. I really do have faith that if Kaine was to be our last, that, in the very least, we got it right the first time. He truly can't be improved upon, as far as natural temperament and ability goes. But how I would love to be able to give him someone else to love and play with! It's in God's hands and He knows my heart.

Can I become Rip Van Winkle?

I am really starting to get bummed out about the whole baby thing. Honestly, I am not even sure I want to keep trying. Part of me feels selfish for even wanting another baby. I feel like so many people want kids and NEVER get any and I already have one so, why in the world am I trying to be so selfish. I should be thankful for the one I have (and am) and not try to get more than I deserve (so to speak). Needless to say, after all of these HUGE pregnancy symptoms, I am spotting/bleeding. I really did feel pregnant and I am not so sure that what is happening isn't a miscarriage. Of course, there is no way to know now. SO....blah.

On top of this, my birthday is Thursday, which is also Thanksgiving. I am really not looking forward to it. I already feel like people don't want to have to deal with it. I think I just really need something to focus on me -- not pregnancy, not motherhood, not any of the crap that floats around in my head. But, I will be with people who don't understand me or birthdays and I am really starting to get down. I feel like crying about everything and I just want to give up and sleep through the whole thing.