Provisions of Faith

I feel encouragement. I feel hope. Well, maybe not fully. But, I am trying. I know that there is now a reason for so many things to have happened in my life. (This, I have always suspected.) God does have a plan. I now know that I wasn't suppose to get pregnant. God was trying to tell me this whole time that I had something wrong with me. He does know that there are things that affect us, even if we can't see them ourselves. This is not going to be an easy journey. I am at the beginning of a long and tedious battle. I don't even know yet what I am facing, in fact. I just know it isn't going to be an easy one.
Now, I know I am being dramatic. It is part of who I am (most can't handle it). But, we are all selfish beings whose problems are amplified because it is the only thing we truly experience on our own. If we can somehow step outside of ourselves, we may be able to overcome (with God's divine help). It is precisely this power that has me so calm. I feel like I should be freaking out. Especially faced with the possibilities of what might be coming (more later). I just don't have it. I am in a pure "wait and see" type of feeling. A "peace that passes all understanding", I assume. It can only be from God. It is so unnatural that that is the only place it has to be from. I have to say, it is nice. In the face of hard times to have such a calm is comforting, uplifting and encouraging. A sort of "hope floats" type of thing, if you will. God is great and will provide.
Peace and understanding and love. That is what you need when you feel like you are about to fall off the face of the earth. God provides. He does, if you are willing to lay yourself aside and trust Him. That is the only condition and, although it isn't easy to do, the pay-off is worth it. You get so much more back. More than you could ever imagine. More than I could ever describe. God's love is all encompassing. God provides. God provides.

Future Baby Names - Girl

     I have been thinking -a lot- lately about baby names. I have decided that Evangeline will be the next name that we use - providing, of course, that we have a girl. I want the next baby to have a name that means something. That truly is beautiful. That shows how much that baby was/is wanted. Names, in my opinion, should mean something. (Kaine, by the way, is named after his paternal grandfather - Braxton Kaine Mallard - his grandfather was Robert Braxton Mallard).
     Evangeline means "good news; bearer of good news" (from this site). Also, "like an angel" (from this site) . This too, "coined from the Latin evangelium [meaning] good news (the gospel)" (from this site ). How about "messenger of good news" (from this site).  It is also a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, titled Evangeline and written in 1848.
   The feelings that the name evokes are exactly what I want. It truly would be "good news" to find out that I am pregnant. If the baby makes it the whole pregnancy she will be the "messenger of good  news" or the "bearer of good news". I can't seem to think of any better name than that!  
   I have been wondering if God was going to send me a name. I have heard many people pray about the names that they give their children and God answers. It has been on my mind, for a while, that Evangeline was a pretty name. Something - or Someone - prompted me to look up the meaning. As soon as I found out what it meant, it was like a light bulb flashed on. I am almost hoping we do have a girl at one point just so I can use it! (By the way, my companion name, if we are to ever have a twin, and a boy too (!), would be Eli. I am going to have to look that up and see what it means!)

Healing wounds

I am starting to think that there really is something to the "it is really meant to be" phrase. If it is meant to be it will be. I have long been an advocate for this phrase.

I always thought, as  I am sure all women and young girls do, that if you have unprotected sex YOU WILL GET PREGNANT! Not so. Apparently it is really hard to get pregnant, even for those of us that don't actually have problems. Apparently, you are only fertile, at best, 2-3 days a month. That's it! No, I had unprotected sex and then my period started, Thank God! moments. No, oh boy I hope I didn't just walk into something that I am not sure I can handle. Nope, you have a small and VERY precise window. Add any type of problem to this, and your window is even smaller or nil. Nonexistent. So, what do you do?

In my case, I always knew it was going to be hard for me. I have even heard the whole, "if you can get pregnant you may not be able to keep it" line. Now, I know that is true. However, I refuse to let that define me. I will no longer be "the one who can't get pregnant". I already have, after all. Kaine was meant to be, the others weren't. I no longer have the fear of "what if I can't?!". I KNOW I can. One of these days God will send me a baby. One of these days our baby will be here. I am not sure what path that baby may have to travel but, God does. God is in control of our lives and we will be alright.

I am starting detox in two weeks to prepare my body for a starting over phase, if you will. I need to know that I did everything right this time around. I am also going to start progesterone cream and vitex to regulate my hormones (I am estrogen dominate). I am hoping this is going to jump start my system and be able to carry me all the way through a successful pregnancy! :)

Breaking News...

I have been thinking about doing something drastic (I am not so sure that is the best word) for a while now. At least, most people would think it is drastic. Here is a little background:

My ambitions as a child: To be a Nun or a Missionary
My ambitions as a teenager: To join the Peace Corp
My ambitions as a young college student: To be a nurse
My ambitions as a young mom: To make sure my kids are well taken care of (no sacrifice is too much)

Are you seeing a theme here? I have ALWAYS wanted to be in a position of "helper to those who need it". My path has been long and very confused. I have done some things that just plain don't make any sense at all. All of it has taught me and led me to my next decision.

This may sound corny but, I was watching OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) tonight. Oprah was talking about her life's journey. She kept saying, "I don't believe in luck", "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity", something I have always felt. So, needless to say, I was listening. She then went on to talk about how she knew she was doing what she was intended to do. Yes, she made mistakes. Yes, there were hard times to overcome (her past would make anyone want to roll over and die, poor girl!). But, she knew she had a purpose. She could hear "whispers" of what she was suppose to be doing. (That sounds crazy, I just can't put it as eloquently as she did. Use the word "nudges", if you prefer.) It just started to click for me.

I feel that God has recently laid something on my heart. I am terrified to accept it. I have talked it over with Matt and I know he is scared too but, open to the possibility. We just want to feel a little bit more "settled". I just don't know anymore. I think God opens you up to opportunities when you are actually ready for them. Not when your "housing situation" or "financial situation" is optimum. (None of which are terrible, unless you consider not having debt and not actually owning a house, a bad thing!) Yes, I would like to have a house of my own. However, this is something we can do NOW. We don't need to wait. I am just tired of telling God that I will "go where He sends me" and then letting the call go to the answering machine, if you know what I mean. Will He stop calling me?

My passion is children. I wish to teach one of these days. (A decision that didn't come lightly. And, won't come easily.) I have always said, "I have missed my calling"; I am suppose to be a nanny. Well, what is this new revelation you ask? I want to be a Foster Parent. Not really, I have never really wanted to be a Foster Parent. The idea scares me to death! But, I feel called to be a Foster Parent. Being called is more like a need. You know what I mean? You may not want it. You are probably scared out of your socks at the prospect of taking this challenge on. But you just have to!! Am I making sense? Look at it this way:
Have you ever seen anyone being treated unfairly? Unjust? Abused? Would you walk on by? Or, even with your fear, would you get involved? No, you don't want to make the situation worse. No, you don't want to be physically, mentally or emotionally hurt. But, you are compelled to act. THAT, my friends, is what I am talking about.

Doing the right thing. It's not always easy. Most of the time it is hard. But, if you let it, you will come out the better person. You change to accommodate. I have always felt like I was meant for better and greater things. No, I don't want to be rich or famous. But, I do feel like I could be doing more to change the world we live in. I am tired of just sitting around and waiting for the need to come to me. I am going to reach out and give of myself. I will give what I have to offer, hopefully it will be just what is needed.

A Woman's Role

So, I guess my blog is boring lately. I haven't really been inspired to talk about anything but babies and bleeding. Sorry. I am not so sure this is over either. If you would like to stop reading (I think you already have) go ahead. This is more about leaving my thoughts for my kids anyway. I want them to be able to go through the processes with me. I would have given anything to read my parents thoughts on the why and wherefore of most of their decisions. But, alas, God knows best and I would be no where near the person I am today for not having gone through ton (so it seems to me) of life's struggles. I only hope I can pass on my knowledge to our next generation without bitterness of spirit.

Here are my goals for our lives (thus far):

• I want to follow God's plan for my life 
• I feel I must make a note here. I say "my life" because that is all God really gives me control over (although, we are told to teach our young and those women who are younger than ourselves)
• God's plan for me:
• To put myself under my husband's authority
• To be a housewife and do my work joyfully
• To raise my children in the Christian way
• To have my family be in God's way
• God has revealed to me that I must only worry about "what I am doing wrong" not what other people are doing.
• This goes along with the whole verse or speech about "those without sin, throw the first stone"
• God as revealed to me that being in the popular way of the world are NOT how Christians are to live
• We should "be in the world but, not of the world"

A lot of this is not popular opinion. Most of this is seen as anti-feminist, old fashioned, contrary or just plain backward. God, in my humble opinion, doesn't care about "fitting in". God cares about what is right and good for His followers. I want to be in God's plan. I want to follow His path, not my own.

What has brought this sudden change in me? God of course. But I have been reading a book called, "The Excellent Wife". It is a Biblical perspective on how wives are to behave and live their lives. It really opened my eyes to all of the things that we hear in the church or growing up, that many of us reject to follow. I, personally, have to say that I was the Queen Bee of rebellion when it came to such things as:

• Submission
• Authority roles
• Women's rightful, God ordained roles
• Womanhood

I would even go as far to say that I was a hippie feminist. And PROUD of it! Not so much anymore. I don't think feminist have found just quite what they are looking for yet. I was bitter and angry and completely "my own woman equal to a man in every way". This is just not true. All you have to do is look at a man and woman and see that they were meant for complimentary lives one to the other. This is not my original opinion but, God's.

I have been on a journey since I got married to find what God had planned for our lives. I think I have finally found the path. I have gotten myself out of the way and even submitted to hearing, no listening, what God has to say on the matter. I know I am no where near what God has planned. But, bear with me, I am trying and I am bound to make mistakes. What better learning medium is there?

Our Philosophy on Baby Making

Matt and I have been talking a lot lately about making a baby. We have really started talking about God's role in our lives too. We have come to the conclusion that if we really are Christ believers than we are called to give Him all of us. We must truly trust that God has our best interests at heart and that He "won't give us more than we can handle" in this life. So, how does this apply to babies? Well, we have decided to have as many as we are given. Yes, even if that means that we have 50 or more. We believe children are God's blessing - Not, under ANY circumstance, a burden.
The only problem now is that we are not having any luck. My bleeding issue has peeked it's ugly little head again. I am not sure when or IF I ovulate. I may even have some sort of underlining condition that is causing us not to get pregnant but, because we don't have insurance, we are just going to have to put this too in God's hands. (I truly do believe that it will happen in God's time and not our own.)
So, now with all that said. I feel torn. I am not sure if I am suppose to be checking my basal body temperature or cervical mucus. Would this be trusting God or taking it into my own hands? Most of me thinks it is the latter. But, I am not sure. Ever heard of the story about the man that was stranded on his house during a flood, here is goes:

There was a big flood one day. Enough to cover all the houses. A man sought refuge

on his roof. A person on a raft came by and offered the man a spot to get to safety. To which

the man replied, "No, God will save me!" So the raft moved on. Next a boat came by

and asked the man to get aboard. The man replied, "No, God will save me!" Then a helicopter

came by and tried to force the man from his roof. The man replied, "No, God will save me!"

By and by, the water kept rising. The man kept refusing help. It turns out that he drowns. When

he gets to heaven he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" To which God replies, "I

sent you a raft, boat and helicopter! What else did you want?"

See my point?