I am dragging my feet about getting my blood drawn. I do not have much confidence in any sort of pregnancy test (part of me wishes I am pregnant but, the more sensible me, wishes I feel relief in knowing that I am not). I also do not want to see what it is going to cost me. Especially since insurance has not been approved yet. I do not think I can put it off much longer. I have the address and the hours of operation of the closest lab (40 minutes away!). I don't want to go.
My bleeding stopped for a record of 12 hours (due to the holiday, I am convinced! Everyone needs a little bit of freedom from all sorts of burdens, what better day than the 4th?). It is back but, thankfully, not with a vengeance. Spotting mostly, with some cramping. Hopefully, it will go away and not come back for a while.
In other news, we put in to see another house. It says, thanks to Google Maps, that it is 16 minutes away from Matt's work. That would probably put me at 20-25 minutes to the Birth Center, either way, it is better than what we are doing now. It sits on 2.23 acres and seems to be nice from what I can tell in the photos. We have no idea what we are doing, however. Matt says he is going to go and talk to the people at the bank on Friday and, hopefully, we will be approved for a loan. (A good loan.) I have a feeling that my past may come back to haunt me on this one as well. I have to confess, I am getting used to it; not that it makes it any easier. Although, someone told me that since I am not working that they will not even look at my score, just Matt's. I hope that is true. I hope we are able to get something, at least, in the $100,000 range (not much for Gainesville, but enough for what we will need). Hopefully, happy news on all fronts will be coming next.
***Editor's Note: I talked to a loan officer on Tuesday. It turns out that my stuff will not be evaluated after all. Due to the fact that I have not worked in two years, I would not be a helpful profit to the outcome. Good news. I hope it continues.***
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
My Girlie Problems, Continued
So, I spoke to Maryanne, at the Birth Center, regarding my bleeding issues. Her suggestions (which were in line with mine) were to go and get a blood test to make sure I was not, indeed, pregnant. From there, I would need an ultrasound to see what was going on in my uterus. This is the plan for this week. Get a blood test. Get the results. Get an ultrasound.
As luck would have it, I have stopped or severely slowed down in the bleeding department since I talked to Maryanne. I am still going to go and get a blood test to make sure I am not pregnant (or are pregnant?). I have not ruled this possibility out, especially since my hormones have been completely unpredictable lately.
Symptoms (as of late):
Severe sleepiness (falling asleep at 8pm, once 6pm!)
Crying at commercials (something I only do when pregnant)
Moodiness (being fine then, suddenly, exploding on the closest person)
Being annoyed by stupid things that would not have normally annoyed me
Having a full feeling in my uterus
Having to pee every 30 minutes or so
General feeling of grossness
Here, I must note, that all of these symptoms go hand in hand with having fibroids too. So, we will see after all of the tests are done!
As luck would have it, I have stopped or severely slowed down in the bleeding department since I talked to Maryanne. I am still going to go and get a blood test to make sure I am not pregnant (or are pregnant?). I have not ruled this possibility out, especially since my hormones have been completely unpredictable lately.
Symptoms (as of late):
Severe sleepiness (falling asleep at 8pm, once 6pm!)
Crying at commercials (something I only do when pregnant)
Moodiness (being fine then, suddenly, exploding on the closest person)
Being annoyed by stupid things that would not have normally annoyed me
Having a full feeling in my uterus
Having to pee every 30 minutes or so
General feeling of grossness
Here, I must note, that all of these symptoms go hand in hand with having fibroids too. So, we will see after all of the tests are done!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Fibroid Tumors - TMI
So, it may turn out that I have Uterine Fibroids that are causing all of this bleeding. This is why all of the supplementation that I was using (herbs) were not working. After much more reading and research and talking to my mother-in-law (who in turn called her sister, another RN) I think I am experiencing this problem.
The symptoms I have seem to add up. Excessive bleeding for an excessive amount of time. Bleeding in between periods. A feeling of pressure (or in my case, fullness in the abdomen or my uterus). Clots and some pain. All of which are symptoms. Not to mention feeling super tired because of the lose of blood. Also, what they call "soiling" of your clothes due to gushes of blood at unexpected times. For example, I was sound asleep last night and woke to a gross gushing feeling and discovered that I not only bled through a super tampon (because the Diva Cup just wasn't cutting it- Boo!) and onto the bed! Fun times! So at 4:30 this morning I was up "fixing" my problems. UGHH!! Talk about frustrating!
Anyway, I am planning on going to go and see someone about it. I just have to wait for the insurance stuff to be approved. I don't want to go before because, God forbid, they tell me it was a pre-existing condition and won't pay for anything.
The scary thing is, everything that I read about the treatment of such a condition is scary! They start by saying stuff like: not everyone will need a hysterectomy. Did you read that???!?! Are they serious!? Other things are a D&C (although I heard this from my MIL and her sister not from any research I have done. BTW, that is a scrapping of the uterus). Hormone therapy (as in reducing estrogen output. I don't know how this is done). Some sort of MRI ablation (laser that is pinpointed to the spot and kills the tumor cells. Super scary. This is suppose to be the most non-invasive procedure. You will only be in twilight and it is outpatient). They can do a 3 inch abdominal incision, under full anesthesia, to remove the fibroids (I am afraid of this because they will also have to cut into the uterus to remove the fibroids. With my history of C-section, I don't want this to up my chance of not being able to have the option of a midwife, out-of-hospital birth.Which would probably be likely). There are also myomectomy procedures to remove the fibroids (these include laproscopic and the 3-inch thing above falls in this category go here to read more about this type of procedure and see what else in involved, if you so care to).
Anyway, I am super scared of all the options. I am still wanting more children and I am afraid that any of these options will interfere with the outcomes of my future births (if I am even able to get pregnant. -This, however, I am ready for, I have been prepared for this since I started my period. It has never been normal. I was always told I would have problems and I would lose pregnancies.- I hope it is not as bad as all this).
I am just in the beginning stages and I hope I am wrong about what is going on. Wish me luck and Gods guidance. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason (like with Kaine, I enjoyed every part of it- I thought it was going to be hard and it wasn't- therefore, I still felt like the pregnancy was a miracle because, as I was told, I was not suppose to be that easy). Anyway, that's all I have to say about that, for now. (Rhiannon- maybe this is why November is going to be a surprise??)
The symptoms I have seem to add up. Excessive bleeding for an excessive amount of time. Bleeding in between periods. A feeling of pressure (or in my case, fullness in the abdomen or my uterus). Clots and some pain. All of which are symptoms. Not to mention feeling super tired because of the lose of blood. Also, what they call "soiling" of your clothes due to gushes of blood at unexpected times. For example, I was sound asleep last night and woke to a gross gushing feeling and discovered that I not only bled through a super tampon (because the Diva Cup just wasn't cutting it- Boo!) and onto the bed! Fun times! So at 4:30 this morning I was up "fixing" my problems. UGHH!! Talk about frustrating!
Anyway, I am planning on going to go and see someone about it. I just have to wait for the insurance stuff to be approved. I don't want to go before because, God forbid, they tell me it was a pre-existing condition and won't pay for anything.
The scary thing is, everything that I read about the treatment of such a condition is scary! They start by saying stuff like: not everyone will need a hysterectomy. Did you read that???!?! Are they serious!? Other things are a D&C (although I heard this from my MIL and her sister not from any research I have done. BTW, that is a scrapping of the uterus). Hormone therapy (as in reducing estrogen output. I don't know how this is done). Some sort of MRI ablation (laser that is pinpointed to the spot and kills the tumor cells. Super scary. This is suppose to be the most non-invasive procedure. You will only be in twilight and it is outpatient). They can do a 3 inch abdominal incision, under full anesthesia, to remove the fibroids (I am afraid of this because they will also have to cut into the uterus to remove the fibroids. With my history of C-section, I don't want this to up my chance of not being able to have the option of a midwife, out-of-hospital birth.Which would probably be likely). There are also myomectomy procedures to remove the fibroids (these include laproscopic and the 3-inch thing above falls in this category go here to read more about this type of procedure and see what else in involved, if you so care to).
Anyway, I am super scared of all the options. I am still wanting more children and I am afraid that any of these options will interfere with the outcomes of my future births (if I am even able to get pregnant. -This, however, I am ready for, I have been prepared for this since I started my period. It has never been normal. I was always told I would have problems and I would lose pregnancies.- I hope it is not as bad as all this).
I am just in the beginning stages and I hope I am wrong about what is going on. Wish me luck and Gods guidance. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason (like with Kaine, I enjoyed every part of it- I thought it was going to be hard and it wasn't- therefore, I still felt like the pregnancy was a miracle because, as I was told, I was not suppose to be that easy). Anyway, that's all I have to say about that, for now. (Rhiannon- maybe this is why November is going to be a surprise??)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Menorrhagia
I am still having menstrual issues. It started a little over a month ago. Strike that, I just looked at my calendar and this has been going on since the end of April, no wonder I am fed up! This is the run down so far (for I am currently bleeding):
April 24-May 10 (17 days)
May 23-June 3 (12 days)
June 14-to now June 20 (7 days to whenever)
I bought some herbs for my condition. I have on hand Shepherd's Purse, Nettle, Raspberry leaf (which I use all the time for other things), Yarrow, Agrimony, and Lady's Mantle. All are good for one thing or another having to do with the female reproductive and general (female supporting) systems. Right now I am infusing Shepherd's Purse, Yarrow and Nettle hoping to make a tea that is going to stop or severely slow down the bleeding. I have tried other teas, but I did not get any help. In fact one seemed to make it worse but, that could just be all in my head because I was trying to stop menstruating when I was barely bleeding (warm tea always seems to stimulate my blood flow, for some reason). Anyway, I am going to go out tomorrow and buy some vodka so I can make a tincture of some of these herbs so it will be even more convenient to take and have on hand when and if this problem occurs again. I am hoping that I finally found a way to get this problem under control.
I am also considering holding off getting pregnant until I know how better to get my system back into balance. It can't be good to be this depleted and get pregnant. So, I don't know what is going to happen on that front. I would like to be pregnant but, can we really risk it? I will see how it goes with these concoctions and see what happens in the next month to be able to better judge my systems health.
Send me good vibes and prayers about kicking the caffeine. I think I have gotten to used to not worrying about it and this may be the biggest factor in this saga. I have been getting better but, I find myself giving into it every now and again (I know, isn't it so wrong to ask someone who has a baby that doesn't sleep through the night, is anemic on two levels - which increases the fatigue- to kick caffeine!?) It is really not that big of a deal, I just need to stop myself before I indulge!
April 24-May 10 (17 days)
May 23-June 3 (12 days)
June 14-to now June 20 (7 days to whenever)
I bought some herbs for my condition. I have on hand Shepherd's Purse, Nettle, Raspberry leaf (which I use all the time for other things), Yarrow, Agrimony, and Lady's Mantle. All are good for one thing or another having to do with the female reproductive and general (female supporting) systems. Right now I am infusing Shepherd's Purse, Yarrow and Nettle hoping to make a tea that is going to stop or severely slow down the bleeding. I have tried other teas, but I did not get any help. In fact one seemed to make it worse but, that could just be all in my head because I was trying to stop menstruating when I was barely bleeding (warm tea always seems to stimulate my blood flow, for some reason). Anyway, I am going to go out tomorrow and buy some vodka so I can make a tincture of some of these herbs so it will be even more convenient to take and have on hand when and if this problem occurs again. I am hoping that I finally found a way to get this problem under control.
I am also considering holding off getting pregnant until I know how better to get my system back into balance. It can't be good to be this depleted and get pregnant. So, I don't know what is going to happen on that front. I would like to be pregnant but, can we really risk it? I will see how it goes with these concoctions and see what happens in the next month to be able to better judge my systems health.
Send me good vibes and prayers about kicking the caffeine. I think I have gotten to used to not worrying about it and this may be the biggest factor in this saga. I have been getting better but, I find myself giving into it every now and again (I know, isn't it so wrong to ask someone who has a baby that doesn't sleep through the night, is anemic on two levels - which increases the fatigue- to kick caffeine!?) It is really not that big of a deal, I just need to stop myself before I indulge!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I hate Father's Day
I always have. It seems really stressful and I don't want to deal with it. It only makes sense, if you know me. I have not had great luck and consistency in this area of my life. Don't get me wrong, I would love to make it memorable for Matt but, even this falls short, most of the time.
Let me explain, Matt doesn't like celebrations that focus on him. He hates his birthday (who hates their birthday, seriously!?). Even though I don't believe it to be actually true. I am not sure what his family ever did for his birthday, so I can't duplicate something that he may be used to (and apparently, they were never that big of a deal? IDK). I feel like he expects something super fun and it never happens. Plus, he is really picky. REALLY PICKY. He is almost impossible to shop for, unless, of course, you have been saving your nickles and dimes and can buy something he either won't buy for himself (because of cost) or that is supper expensive and big and then you don't even know if he will use it. Did I mention that I hate this holiday?
I end up buying something, usually, that I have to settle on. Because, hello, I don't have a job! No income means no cool gifts or outings. Or worse, in my opinion, something that is totally not for him but that he might like anyway. It is inspired by him, get it? Take this year for example. I bought a onesie style shirt for Kaine. That says, "It puts the lotion on the baby. It does this whenever it is told." There is a background story here. Matt always says this stupid quote from Silence of the Lambs when he puts lotion on Kaine after his bath. It actually annoys me; Matt thinks it's hilarious. (Do you know what I am talking about? The scene where that guy - who dresses like a woman - has that girl in the pit and he is lowering a bottle of lotion down to her? "It puts the lotion on the skin. It does this whenever it is told!") It brings back gross memories that should not be associated with babyhood, if you ask me! Anyway, I thought he would like it and think it is funny. Plus, I was told not to "not spend too much money". However, do you see what I mean? I am afraid he is going to be disappointed, after all, it is a holiday to show appreciation for all he has done. How am I showing that? All I have figured out how to do is show that he has a sense of humor and has a tendency to annoy me! What is that about?
Ah, dilemmas...
Let me explain, Matt doesn't like celebrations that focus on him. He hates his birthday (who hates their birthday, seriously!?). Even though I don't believe it to be actually true. I am not sure what his family ever did for his birthday, so I can't duplicate something that he may be used to (and apparently, they were never that big of a deal? IDK). I feel like he expects something super fun and it never happens. Plus, he is really picky. REALLY PICKY. He is almost impossible to shop for, unless, of course, you have been saving your nickles and dimes and can buy something he either won't buy for himself (because of cost) or that is supper expensive and big and then you don't even know if he will use it. Did I mention that I hate this holiday?
I end up buying something, usually, that I have to settle on. Because, hello, I don't have a job! No income means no cool gifts or outings. Or worse, in my opinion, something that is totally not for him but that he might like anyway. It is inspired by him, get it? Take this year for example. I bought a onesie style shirt for Kaine. That says, "It puts the lotion on the baby. It does this whenever it is told." There is a background story here. Matt always says this stupid quote from Silence of the Lambs when he puts lotion on Kaine after his bath. It actually annoys me; Matt thinks it's hilarious. (Do you know what I am talking about? The scene where that guy - who dresses like a woman - has that girl in the pit and he is lowering a bottle of lotion down to her? "It puts the lotion on the skin. It does this whenever it is told!") It brings back gross memories that should not be associated with babyhood, if you ask me! Anyway, I thought he would like it and think it is funny. Plus, I was told not to "not spend too much money". However, do you see what I mean? I am afraid he is going to be disappointed, after all, it is a holiday to show appreciation for all he has done. How am I showing that? All I have figured out how to do is show that he has a sense of humor and has a tendency to annoy me! What is that about?
Ah, dilemmas...
The fighter is dying
I want to check out. Do you know what I mean? I don't even know what triggers these feelings in me. I just want days to lay in bed and sleep the hours away. Do nothing. It is quite tragic. I used to have days like that. I would get up because I was starving (literally, because I could go a solid 48 hours without anything). Go in and out of a comatose state. Not bathe and not eat and just get up to pee and fall back into bed. Isn't that such a desirable trait to have? I have it. Don't you want to be me?
The worse part about it, I know it is happening, I can't do anything about it. I want this thing that takes over my body to go away. What is it? Depression? Sever mood swing issues? Low blood sugar??? Just go away monster, stop haunting me. You are not welcome here. I have everything that I could want, why do you keep rearing your ugly, unclean head?
It will usually sort itself out. Sometimes it takes a while. I just wish I knew what caused it in the first place. I think it has to do with issues I don't want to deal with. What could it have been this time? It is probably my confusion about this whole body issue I am having. I feel alone. That is it! The feeling of loneliness....that has to be the trigger. It only makes sense. Thinking back, just now, that is the trigger that sent me into my comatose depression of sorts. I want change and things aren't happening. I feel lost and alone in this world. Too many people have other things on their plates and don't want to take the time to rescue me. I am the needy person that I don't even like. How is that for self analysis?
I write this to get it out of my head. It only makes the sickness worse, if it stays. Medication may be an option, I just know I am not me on it. Plus, can't have babies if you are on those type of meds. I feel like I am living a sugar coated lie. I know people like me more when I am on it. I can just hear myself from the inside screaming that they are buying into a great big lie. It makes me die inside because I know they prefer the drugs to the harsh reality that is me.
I think I also know what it is. It is hard for me to admit. I am not good with affection. I can give it to Kaine, and quite freely. I don't feel judged by him. I can give it to this blog, maybe the only place where I am truly myself. Matt, however, is another story. We started out all wrong. So many rules. No PDA. Baptist school with there six inch rule (although we didn't start dating until I left, we still met there, it carries over). I have so many rules and so many things to sort out about what is wrong and what is right about love and intimacy. I can't give of myself like I used to. I am not free. I oppressed in a Biblical world that I want so badly to fit into. I want to be that wife that is able to keep the house clean, the laundry done, the kids clean and have a pretty face and perfect hair. It is too much to live up to. Have you seen me? You would be lucky to even get me to brush my hair! Let alone have a clean house! Are you kidding? It is not like it can't be done, it can. I am lazy and I ride myself for it. I have different priorities (or, at least, that is what I tell myself). Kaine is alive and fed, haven't I met my quota for the day? Honestly, I feel like Matt wants something more. I feel like I have lead him on and what he married is definitely NOT what he got. (Not that I was ever that perfect Stepford or anything). I was always a bit hippy and totally independent. Maybe that has changed now. Maybe he can't handle that I like to depend on him. Maybe it is his problem and not mine at all?
What do I do. I can't be that Biblical wife....I am not cut from that cloth. I have to have my own thoughts, space, freedom and way. Sometimes I feel like there just isn't enough room for him in this picture. I feel like he needs someone to take care of him all the time. Someone who is just going to be this surface person with no soul and no intellect. I get that he is from a house where he NEVER had to ask for anything. It was all given to him. He just had to hint or slightly look at something and it was his. He always had someone to clean up after him and make his life sparkle. I never had that. No one ever gave me what I wanted or needed, for that matter. I didn't have a maid and a mom who was a nurse and, therefore, was anal and controlling. Not that there wasn't a controlling presence in my house, believe me, there was. The only thing I know to do is to retreat within myself. I learned early on that there isn't anyone out there that is going to truly give a damn about my life, my feelings and who I truly am. I didn't used to care, or so I thought, maybe I always did. Maybe that is the problem. I found someone who loves me and wants to be with me and all I can do is push him away. I told him once, when we were getting serious that if he ever wanted this to happen then he was going to have to make it happen, I was just going to push him away. I needed him to prove to me that I was worth the fight (of course, I didn't know it at the time). Maybe I still do. I need him to fight for me, but I am afraid that fighter may have taken to much of a beating and may not be able to get up anymore.
The worse part about it, I know it is happening, I can't do anything about it. I want this thing that takes over my body to go away. What is it? Depression? Sever mood swing issues? Low blood sugar??? Just go away monster, stop haunting me. You are not welcome here. I have everything that I could want, why do you keep rearing your ugly, unclean head?
It will usually sort itself out. Sometimes it takes a while. I just wish I knew what caused it in the first place. I think it has to do with issues I don't want to deal with. What could it have been this time? It is probably my confusion about this whole body issue I am having. I feel alone. That is it! The feeling of loneliness....that has to be the trigger. It only makes sense. Thinking back, just now, that is the trigger that sent me into my comatose depression of sorts. I want change and things aren't happening. I feel lost and alone in this world. Too many people have other things on their plates and don't want to take the time to rescue me. I am the needy person that I don't even like. How is that for self analysis?
I write this to get it out of my head. It only makes the sickness worse, if it stays. Medication may be an option, I just know I am not me on it. Plus, can't have babies if you are on those type of meds. I feel like I am living a sugar coated lie. I know people like me more when I am on it. I can just hear myself from the inside screaming that they are buying into a great big lie. It makes me die inside because I know they prefer the drugs to the harsh reality that is me.
I think I also know what it is. It is hard for me to admit. I am not good with affection. I can give it to Kaine, and quite freely. I don't feel judged by him. I can give it to this blog, maybe the only place where I am truly myself. Matt, however, is another story. We started out all wrong. So many rules. No PDA. Baptist school with there six inch rule (although we didn't start dating until I left, we still met there, it carries over). I have so many rules and so many things to sort out about what is wrong and what is right about love and intimacy. I can't give of myself like I used to. I am not free. I oppressed in a Biblical world that I want so badly to fit into. I want to be that wife that is able to keep the house clean, the laundry done, the kids clean and have a pretty face and perfect hair. It is too much to live up to. Have you seen me? You would be lucky to even get me to brush my hair! Let alone have a clean house! Are you kidding? It is not like it can't be done, it can. I am lazy and I ride myself for it. I have different priorities (or, at least, that is what I tell myself). Kaine is alive and fed, haven't I met my quota for the day? Honestly, I feel like Matt wants something more. I feel like I have lead him on and what he married is definitely NOT what he got. (Not that I was ever that perfect Stepford or anything). I was always a bit hippy and totally independent. Maybe that has changed now. Maybe he can't handle that I like to depend on him. Maybe it is his problem and not mine at all?
What do I do. I can't be that Biblical wife....I am not cut from that cloth. I have to have my own thoughts, space, freedom and way. Sometimes I feel like there just isn't enough room for him in this picture. I feel like he needs someone to take care of him all the time. Someone who is just going to be this surface person with no soul and no intellect. I get that he is from a house where he NEVER had to ask for anything. It was all given to him. He just had to hint or slightly look at something and it was his. He always had someone to clean up after him and make his life sparkle. I never had that. No one ever gave me what I wanted or needed, for that matter. I didn't have a maid and a mom who was a nurse and, therefore, was anal and controlling. Not that there wasn't a controlling presence in my house, believe me, there was. The only thing I know to do is to retreat within myself. I learned early on that there isn't anyone out there that is going to truly give a damn about my life, my feelings and who I truly am. I didn't used to care, or so I thought, maybe I always did. Maybe that is the problem. I found someone who loves me and wants to be with me and all I can do is push him away. I told him once, when we were getting serious that if he ever wanted this to happen then he was going to have to make it happen, I was just going to push him away. I needed him to prove to me that I was worth the fight (of course, I didn't know it at the time). Maybe I still do. I need him to fight for me, but I am afraid that fighter may have taken to much of a beating and may not be able to get up anymore.
Monday, June 14, 2010
False Alarm & House Plans
No pregnancy. As of this morning, Flow has arrived. It is a good thing. I am not going to dwell on it. It was not our time and it is not the end of the world. It will happen when it is suppose to. I believe it. The timing will be perfect and not anything we can control.
In other news, we are building a nest egg. We are finally out of debt (or very close to it!). Money is going in the pig so we may be able to buy a house in the next few months. I just have to remember not to keep dipping into the extra, because it is there. I really need to focus my energy on getting out of here and being settled. At least for a few years while I go back to school and Matt puts more roots down in his job. Things are looking up. We are on the rise and there is no where else to go but up. I hope it stays like this and something big doesn't come out and bite us in the butt. Please, Lord, stay the wolves until we find higher ground!
In other news, we are building a nest egg. We are finally out of debt (or very close to it!). Money is going in the pig so we may be able to buy a house in the next few months. I just have to remember not to keep dipping into the extra, because it is there. I really need to focus my energy on getting out of here and being settled. At least for a few years while I go back to school and Matt puts more roots down in his job. Things are looking up. We are on the rise and there is no where else to go but up. I hope it stays like this and something big doesn't come out and bite us in the butt. Please, Lord, stay the wolves until we find higher ground!
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