Why the Privacy

As you have noticed, my blog is now private. I didn't want to do this, but unfortunate events have lead to this unfortunate outcome. I have snoopers, in other words. People who don't really care about what I say, they just want to take what I say (to the people I say it about) and spread it around for their own amusement. Therefore, things have been taken out of context and used to humiliate others. Completely not the point of my blog (which, as it turns out, I thought no one read-I would rather no one read it if this is to be the outcome!).

My blog is about me. In raw form. I have to have a safe place to vent out my personality. I have to be able to say whatever I want to say, no matter how cruel, hurtful, honest, funny, lovable or whatever that it might come out to be. If I don't, I will go crazy.

I was not out to get anyone. I will not apologize. If you took what I said and made it something, that is your problem. Out of respect for myself and my blog I have made it private. I don't want to have to defend what I write. That is not the point. I have not done this to say sorry or make amends. I believe it will be used as a source of evil if it is allowed to be dragged into the petty realms of others. I will not allow this!

I am sorry to my blog, however. You were never suppose to be a pent-up animal. A part of me wanted people to be able to read my words and see where I was coming from. A true look, into myself, if you will. Well, people have used it as a tool to hurt others and have not considered where I was coming from-not even in the slightest! I am truly offended. I am glad the truth (of how I feel) is out there (even though it should have never been out there like that in the first place-if you were actually reading what you were using as your weapon of destruction you would have known that!).

It all comes down to the fact that people are petty. You can't trust them, after all. If you show your true colors, people will attack you. No matter what you point of view is or is meant to be. (I am not sure I truly believe that second statement, but I do feel like I have been attacked. I do not feel like there was any true cause. I feel like a weapon that people have used to damage another.)

So, Pregnancy

***First let me say that I apologize for the last post. You didn't need that in your life!***

So...here we are again. I think I might be pregnant. Of course, I have thought this more than once. (You can do the leg work and look up old post, lol!) Anyway. I have been tracking my period for close to a year now. I have not seen any real pattern in the madness of said cycle. However, I never miss two periods in a row. And, according to my 30+ day cycle, I would have missed my second one on Tuesday (I have an every-other-cycle). Plus, I am really moody (not that the people in my life really help that!). I keep feeling pretty tired in the evenings (I want to go to bed at like 7pm every night, lol).

The weird thing is, my boobs don't really hurt all that much. They are just achy, off and on. They were super painful the first time around. So much so (after a million prego tests that were negative) I went to the doctor and had a breast exam and a poking around of my lymph nodes (don't even get me started on the horrible experience that that was!). I am really thirsty too. Not that I think that has anything to do with my boobs. Matt also says that my girlie parts "feel pregnant". When asked to elaborate he says, "more swollen". Which I have noticed too (a very pregnant sign for me!). TMI Alert- also, I have been extra moist lately. So much so that when I get up from sleep that I have to immediately go to the bathroom so I don't make a mess. That sounds like I exaggerated, it's not really that bad, just noticeable when it otherwise was not before. 


My biggest indicator, other than no period, would be the heaviness that I am feeling in my uterus parts. Although, I have been chalking that up to pre-menstrual symptoms. Which could be what I am feeling with the rest of my symptoms, as well. But, this feels different. I don't know, I have said that before also. Plus, I don't have any of the other "medical" signs of pregnancy. Like these: Goodell's sign, Chadwick's sign, Hegar's sign or Ladin's sign (not that this one would be something that I could determine myself anyway).

Matt said I should go and get a blood test. I have taken over the counter tests. But, we all know what good that does for me. So, I don't know if I am going to or not. I wanted to wait until the end of September to make sure I am not going to be having a period. But, I really feel pregnant (and nauseous, but not to bad). So, I don't know still.

Angry post (title changes due to unbecoming language)

I am so sick of people telling me what I can and cannot do. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! I have my own life, go get yours.

I think I have finally hit my breaking point. I really AM quite ready to give it to the first person that walks into my path looking for a fight. I WILL give it to the next person to walk into my path looking for a fight!

I am SO done being this person that is suppose to be all "turn the other cheek" and "do it for the greater good". Well, this is what I have to say about that:

*statement has been deleted because I was very angry and the language that I used is not appropriate for anyone to hear. I am fully ashamed of myself. I beg your forgiveness.*

Now that I have that off my chest, yes, I do feel better! 

Kaine's 1st Day of Preshool Pictures

I know I don't usually post pictures but this background was to cute to pass up. Here is a smattering of pictures from Kaine's first day of Preschool!
I don't know why it is showing those other two pages on there first, just go to the last page and you will see the pictures. I tried to fix it, but apparently, I have no idea how to do that!

First Day of Preschool

Today was Kaine's first day of preschool. He goes to the First United Methodist Preschool downtown on 1st Street. I think there are only like 5 other kids in his class, which is nice. He goes from nine to noon. He was really excited about it. I have been talking to him about it for weeks now. Even went to the library and got all of the "back to school" books that they had on the shelf. I started telling him last night that I was going to drop him off at school and "Kaine is going to stay and Mommy is going to go bye-bye. Okay?" I wasn't sure he got it the first time. By the second (or was it third?) he was saying, "Okay, Kaine stay and Mommy go bye-bye". Which was great. I still didn't really think that he got what I was talking about.

So, now comes the day to put it to the test. We got there early, because I thought there was going to be traffic and there was not. So, we were 30 minutes early. But, they have a really great park right across the street and we played with the other kids that were waiting for school to open. When nine rolled around we headed for the building. Kaine was really impatient to go inside and didn't like waiting in the line for them to open the door (they lock the door before, during and after school). When the door was open, Kaine was fussing about going into the class room. As Matt and I signed him in, he made his own way through the crowd to his classroom (which he remembered where it was!). By the time we got there (a few moments later) he had already made his way to the carpet and pulled down the big truck toy. He was completely carefree. Matt and I considered just backing out (after telling the staff how to use cloth diapers, lol). But, I didn't want him to look up and we be gone and then he not want to go to school anymore (because, after all, Mommy and Daddy disappear when I go in this room). That would be tragic! So, we walked over to him and gave him a kiss and a hug and told him bye. He barely moved and quickly went right back to playing with his toy truck.

Surprisingly, I was fine this whole time. I did have some butterflies when I was driving in to town. But I knew that I had prepared him and that I was prepared to leave. I was glad that he really did seem to be ready for this day and was excited for it to finally be there. When I left the building, this is when it hit me. I felt instantly lonely! I started to cry. Not to bad, I kept it in check. It was still a big step for me. I think I might have actually lost it if Matt wasn't there (I was embarrassed and he helped me pull it together!).

I went and worked out at the gym and took a shower. Got some gas and an iced mocha from a Starbucks that I passed (because I had time to kill). I was even able to sit outside for a while at the Starbucks, it was pretty nice to have some time to myself. Then I headed back to get Kaine. It ended up that I can't tell time and was there 30 minutes early! I thought I would be right on time. Anyway, I waited until I saw the director open up the door for the school until I got out of the car. Apparently, other parents were early too and Kaine was one of the last ones to be picked up. As soon as I walked into the door I heard him crying from the main door. He was saying, "I wan to go bye-bye!". He had seen all of the other kids leaving and didn't understand what was going on. Poor guy. I talked to the teacher and she said he did fine. They did have some trouble with the diapering situation but, are willing to work with it. (Bless them!) So, next week will be a  full week for him (two whole days!). I think he will do just fine.

This is what Kaine says they did at school today (as he said it):

• Play toys
• Ready "Book Story"
• Play Sand
• Eat yummy snack
• Sing and Clap (to which he kept saying, "Mommy sing song!")
• Have juice

He also came home with a sticker, which he kept pointing out. It was too funny!

Some of the issues: Explained

Okay, well I feel like I am in a better place now and can talk about things more clearly. Over the last month, more things than I have energy to explain here, have happened. I was trying to be the bigger person and not just react to situations and blow up. (I honestly think I should be commended for this, since, it is seriously one of my biggest weakness!).

I think I have finally made a decision about midwifery school. I have decided not to go. I am not sure if this is going to be a permanent decision or not. I might come back to it later in life. I have decided that I really want a family oriented job and one that will still allow me to be with my kids while they are growing (you only have so much time, after all). So, I think, and I say this with much trepidation, that I am going to go back to teaching. I think my biggest issue with all of this is 1) I know I can be an awesome midwife and change lives and push the rules, 2) I have a bad history with "normal" education, 3) When I was in the teaching program before, my heart wasn't in it (it almost bored me to tears). However, on further review I have decided that this is what the good points in this career would be:

1. I will be away from my kids for approximately the same time they have to be away from me every day.
2. I will have summers off (when they are out of school too)
3. I can possible teach at a private school and therefore, get a tuition break
4. It will be a schedule that I can change with the age of my children (if they are in preschool then I can teach preschool and work half days. When they are all on 8-3 days I can work that too)

So, I still feel guilt about not being a rebel midwife and challenging the position of the current birth climate in Florida. But, like I said, there is always time later. Just because I am older, doesn't mean that I can't change my career.

Signs of Depression

I feel really conflicted lately. I don't really know what to do about it. I need to make some major decisions and I really don't want to. These are life changing decisions that effect more than just me. I really don't even know what to say about it. All I do know is that this sitting around and doing nothing about it is only making it worse.

I think a big part of me feels like a failure. Like I have been down this road so many times and I really am tired of coming back to this path. I am afraid of what people are going to say or worse are thinking (which is making it worse because I like to think that what other people think of me just doesn't matter - which, apparently, isn't true).

It also doesn't help that I have people in my life (MIL) that think they know what is best for everyone and want to control everything! I am just so frustrated with everything. I am not being myself. I want to tell people off and I am holding back because I feel like it just isn't my place. Plus, I don't want to put strain on relationships that have been really helpful to us and (unfortunately) we are going to need down the road.

Most of the time, lately, I just want to scream or cry or just plain hide. This is not even remotely good for me - I am prone to depression. I just am not sure what to do. I need some support. But, I don't know where to look. I think, mostly, that it is something (or things) that I just have to deal with. What I really want is for someone to tell me what to do. Then I can say, "Okay, I will do that". But, of course, then you give up any type of creative control and are subjected to judgment and unnecessary criticism. 

I really just don't know what to do. I know this message was cryptic, I will try to explain more about the details of the decisions that I am trying to make in a later post. *Sigh*