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I have been thinking about doing something drastic (I am not so sure that is the best word) for a while now. At least, most people would think it is drastic. Here is a little background:

My ambitions as a child: To be a Nun or a Missionary
My ambitions as a teenager: To join the Peace Corp
My ambitions as a young college student: To be a nurse
My ambitions as a young mom: To make sure my kids are well taken care of (no sacrifice is too much)

Are you seeing a theme here? I have ALWAYS wanted to be in a position of "helper to those who need it". My path has been long and very confused. I have done some things that just plain don't make any sense at all. All of it has taught me and led me to my next decision.

This may sound corny but, I was watching OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) tonight. Oprah was talking about her life's journey. She kept saying, "I don't believe in luck", "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity", something I have always felt. So, needless to say, I was listening. She then went on to talk about how she knew she was doing what she was intended to do. Yes, she made mistakes. Yes, there were hard times to overcome (her past would make anyone want to roll over and die, poor girl!). But, she knew she had a purpose. She could hear "whispers" of what she was suppose to be doing. (That sounds crazy, I just can't put it as eloquently as she did. Use the word "nudges", if you prefer.) It just started to click for me.

I feel that God has recently laid something on my heart. I am terrified to accept it. I have talked it over with Matt and I know he is scared too but, open to the possibility. We just want to feel a little bit more "settled". I just don't know anymore. I think God opens you up to opportunities when you are actually ready for them. Not when your "housing situation" or "financial situation" is optimum. (None of which are terrible, unless you consider not having debt and not actually owning a house, a bad thing!) Yes, I would like to have a house of my own. However, this is something we can do NOW. We don't need to wait. I am just tired of telling God that I will "go where He sends me" and then letting the call go to the answering machine, if you know what I mean. Will He stop calling me?

My passion is children. I wish to teach one of these days. (A decision that didn't come lightly. And, won't come easily.) I have always said, "I have missed my calling"; I am suppose to be a nanny. Well, what is this new revelation you ask? I want to be a Foster Parent. Not really, I have never really wanted to be a Foster Parent. The idea scares me to death! But, I feel called to be a Foster Parent. Being called is more like a need. You know what I mean? You may not want it. You are probably scared out of your socks at the prospect of taking this challenge on. But you just have to!! Am I making sense? Look at it this way:
Have you ever seen anyone being treated unfairly? Unjust? Abused? Would you walk on by? Or, even with your fear, would you get involved? No, you don't want to make the situation worse. No, you don't want to be physically, mentally or emotionally hurt. But, you are compelled to act. THAT, my friends, is what I am talking about.

Doing the right thing. It's not always easy. Most of the time it is hard. But, if you let it, you will come out the better person. You change to accommodate. I have always felt like I was meant for better and greater things. No, I don't want to be rich or famous. But, I do feel like I could be doing more to change the world we live in. I am tired of just sitting around and waiting for the need to come to me. I am going to reach out and give of myself. I will give what I have to offer, hopefully it will be just what is needed.

New Situations

I started a new job, sort of. I am helping out a friend who needed some good childcare. I just told her to give me whatever she has laying around, for payment. I don't really want payment, it just sounded like she would feel better about paying me. I love having the kids around. They are a great way to have something to do, you know, when I would normally not be doing anything! Rowan is fabulous for Kaine and, I suspect, Kaine for Rowan. They are still working out the whole, "hey this is mine" thing but, you know, being two and three there will be some problems. lol. The baby, Liam, is a doll! He is, of course, good for me. (Even though, he seems to be good for Kaine too, getting used to babies and all! Some jealousy issues have shown up. Such as this: "Mommy, can you hold me? Just for a little bit?") So, it is good to have new little ones in the house.

One of the things that have been going through my mind lately, is this: "Man, I wish I had more kids!" "This is fun!" So, needless to say, I don't think the next "children" will be that far apart in age. I like having little ones to make my days busy and more full. I feel like I have a purpose and something to look forward to. Not to mention, that my "get up and clean the house!" gene has kicked into overdrive! YAY! I was seriously looking for something to inspire me to get my house organized and to KEEP IT CLEAN! I'm not so good at the cleaning, organizing and "oh, your hungry? guess I can make you some dinner!" lol (actually, I am not that bad at making dinner!). With the new additions, I am able to inspire myself to pick up, sweep and generally keep things in the "clean zone". It has been fabulous.

Things have also been falling into place financially. We are in a good place. We are able to pay our bills, buy groceries, buy gas, and keep a roof over our heads. The only thing we need to work on now is our savings. We aren't quite there yet. Although we aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore (Thank you God!), the savings haven't really started yet. The biggest reason for this is, we keep "finding" new things to do with our "extra" money. (We went to Disney last month! We have also been going on tons of trips lately. So much so, that I am/was ready for a break!) So, we will have to start figuring out the other part of being responsible, putting money away for a rainy day. I think we are ready!

Along these same lines, my financial aide from my confusing and crazy college days have been paid off. Thanks to our IRS return. The good news about this? (Other than the obvious!) Is that now, I am eligible for more aid. I know, sounds backward right? But, I can't finish my degree without aid. AND, now that I know, the hard way, what NOT to do, I am ready to take on college again! I just filled out the FAFSA and hope to hear some positive news by the end of this week. I am really and truly ready to go back. I am way more mature than I was just out of high school. I now see an actual purpose in having a degree. Also, I have truly figured out what, in life, I am good at. I know where I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I had NO idea before! That is why the running joke in my family was, "What are you majoring in this week?" Trust me, I had no clue. I really wanted to look into everything and, generally, I did. (I really don't know why I need to do EVERYTHING the hard way! Just stubborn, I guess.) So, I have started the journey back into college life. It scares me but, it is mostly exciting. I have a clearer view of what to expect and what is expected of me. I know, in reality, what I will have to do to succeed. I am ready!

Many good changes... :)

Success

Today Kaine and I went out shopping around for birthday stuff. I know that we went to Disney for his 3rd birthday however, I feel that everyone should at least have a birthday cake on their birthdays. So, we went to Publix, Sam's Club and the Party Store. We ordered a bumble bee finger-roo cake. I was trying to find a link to a picture for this but, apparently they are new and aren't even on the website yet. But, they are super cute. Kaine picked out the bumble bee one. (They also a have: monkey, frog, lady bug, dinosaur, puppy and some other ones I can't remember!) It was only $10 too, total score!! Then we went to Sam's Club. I saw on their website that they had, what they call a 5" cake with 10 cupcakes. You can go here and check out their cake catalog and search until you find the "Cars" cake (minus red icing and chocolate cake b.c., "kids can be allergic", according to the cake lady, lol!). That also was around $10 (a little over like, $.39)! So, two cakes for $21! Woo hoo! Plus, Kaine picked them out, so no disappointments. When we went to the party store I wasn't really sure what we were looking for. We walked around and decided on a really cool "canopy" birthday hanger (that I plan to put over his small table as a decoration). He also picked out some Hot Wheels bouncy balls and purple paper plates).

Also, the biggest success of the day was that we left the house with Kaine in underwear. Not normally such a big deal (he can go to preschool and make it from 7:30 am to 1pm in underwear with no accidents). I have NEVER tried to take him anywhere without pull-ups on. Well, the one time I did I ended up changing him because he peed while sitting in his car seat. This was the outcome of Kaine refusing, absolutely refusing, to use a public toilet! So, we haven't been out without pull-ups. In fact, most of the time that he spends in the house, he is wearing pull-ups too (we still haven't figured out a way to help or make him go poo in the potty). So, today was a serious surprise. I even tried to talk him into changing into a pull-up halfway through our shopping trip (which was not limited on the liquid intake!)- no dice. He just wanted to wear his undies. I must say he did impressively well! I kept asking him if he had to go. At one point I had him in the back of the Jeep, McDonald's empty cup in hand, trying to convince Kaine that he could pee in it therefore, making sure there was no chance of accidents! (I did mention that he won't use a public toilet right?) He made it through three stores and a McDonald's (we went inside to eat!) stop all without peeing! I am super impressed. That is complete success. So, we came home and he peed in his potty then went and took a nap. What is going on? I don't know but, I hope it continues! LOL

King Kaine

Kaine is such a wonderful kid. He really is. Do you hear the "but" coming on? I don't know who invented the term "terrible twos". I have enjoyed the "twos" very much, thank you. However, on the butt end of the "twos" and the budding of the "threes" there have been some issues. Things I love about this age:

• He is becoming more independent
• He likes to do things "by myself"
• He can follow commands with more than one request in them
• He plays wonderfully by himself
• He likes to invent things
• He is very creative
• He can entertain himself, until he needs to reach something high up
• He can feed himself
• He, for the most part, is out of diapers (pull-ups are still in play)
• He is able to show his love (hugs, kisses, saying "I love you")
• He tells wonderful stories
• He is funny

Things I do not like about this age:

• He likes to do things "by himself"
• He can follow commands with more than one request in them but, often "chooses" not to
• He gets more time outs 
• He can be creative which, leads to bigger messes
• He likes the word, "no"
• He likes the words, "no way"
• He often has to be asked to do things more than once
• He doesn't like to eat
• He doesn't like to sit at the table at meal times
• He doesn't like naps
• He doesn't like taking showers
• He doesn't like going to bed
• He often wants to do the opposite of what you want to do
• He often refuses to use the potty
• He likes that stupid word, "no"

So, terrible twos? I don't think so! I hope this age will, indeed, not be so terrible. I have heard people refer to it as the "terrific twos". Maybe I should make my saying the "terrific threes"? It doesn't have such a nice ring to it though. Oh well.
Kaine is still great. He is "the love that I never thought I could give". Which is no small compliment. He has made me a better person. He has also made me a better wife. And, although Matt and I don't always see eye-to-eye when raising him, we are better for having him. We are all closer because Kaine exists! That is the biggest blessing he has brought into our lives. 

Miscarriage

At ten weeks even, I started to spot. Nothing, at all, major. It was this little, slight, questionably faint, pink streak. I had been feeling rather period-y all week. My exact quote to Matt was, "If I didn't know any better, I would think that I am about to have a period". Well...if you ever feel like that when pregnant, it may not be a good thing. Surprisingly, I am not all that shocked that this has happened. I did have a good cry about it (when something else set me off). I haven't exactly felt "right" about this pregnancy from the beginning. I felt like it was "off". I don't know why. Except, maybe I do now? I don't know. So, this isn't really going to be a sad tale, per se.

Saturday morning brought more blood. I showed Matt on the toilet paper that I had just used. It was like the beginning of a period; you can feel it coming so you rush to the bathroom. It didn't get worse all day. I was on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I took some tinctures to help stop a miscarriage but, it didn't seem to help with the bleeding much. The cramps went away. We thought that we were going to be able to save this pregnancy after all.

Sunday was Easter. I put off going to my Mom's or telling her anything about us traveling until I was certain the bleeding wasn't any worse. Which it wasn't. The blood was the same consistency and was even getting a little bit darker. I tried to stay off my feet the whole day and still enjoy myself.

Monday brought little change. Although I could tell the cramps and back discomfort I am prone to was a little worse. I just attributed this to Kaine taking up almost ALL of the space on my side of the bed the night before. I was able to talk to some midwives at the Birth Center. Sarah and I had a long conversation on the phone that morning. She said that they don't usually take people this late and because I would be considered VBAC I would still have to find another provider. But she was, in the end, willing to offer initial prenatal visits until I found a provider, which was nice. She said that it could be many things. All of which made sense. She said that I could have a low-lying placenta which was causing the bleeding but, not to worry, they usually travel upwards by twenty weeks. Research confirmed this. Another suggestion was a vitamin deficiency and, if you have been following this for a while, you would know that my body has issues with vitamin b-12 and D. So, I thought, for sure that this is what I was experiencing. I up'd my vitamin intake accordingly and through Sarah's suggestion. She also stated that if this was a miscarriage, I would soon know. Things would progressively get worse until "the contents of my uterus were emptied". (Don't worry, she prefaced this with, "I know this is hard to hear".)

Monday night. Things were not getting better. Cramps were more regular and there was more blood. I would say, by now, I was in a state of "this is happening, let's get it over with". (I know that sounds cold but, I knew with the first red blood that there was nothing that could be done. Anything I could have done, I was doing.) Things went smoothly and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Tuesday morning brought what I knew to be true. Blood clots or tissue. At this stage the baby usually looks like a little being. However, and fortunately, it was nothing like that. It was just clot like tissue, clearly indicating that nothing was there. It gave me peace to know that it was happening for a reason and not for something that could have been helped. I am in a good place and know that this was something that was meant to teach me faith. I had great faith through out this ordeal. I knew God was not abandoning me. Yes, it was something that I didn't want. Yes, it was something that was sad. I am just glad it didn't go any farther. I think, honestly, that I wasn't yet attached to the idea of being pregnant but, I was getting used to it. This helped to guard my feelings and to help me deal with the loss. I hope I don't sound cold or unfeeling because, it was/is sad. I just don't want to dwell on it. I want to move on.

Thanks for all of the support through out this whole journey to pregnancy. We have decided to not try again. At least, for a while. I just can't take anymore disappointment. There have been too many months in a row that just haven't worked out. I need some time to wrap my head around this situation and deal with other life issues. So, babies, hopefully, are still in my future, just not in the near future.

Scratch That

I can't sleep. Then again, I am tired all the time! So, scratch the claim from before about not being as tired as early as the previous pregnancy. I am nine weeks and I am usually up at 2 am, like tonight (this morning?). Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was fortunate enough to have a husband that let me sleep in on Sunday (because Saturday brought another no sleep night) that I slept until 2pm. And yes, we meant to go to church. I REALLY just couldn't even move when he tried to wake me up. I thought I might be sick. That is how I felt ALL day today too. Thank goodness Kaine had school this morning, I don't think I would have made  it. On top of that, I think Kaine was sensing something, today was one of his worst days in a LONG time. It was like he was really tired too. Poor guy.

As for all of the other symptoms (nausea and what-not) I don't have them anymore. I do still feel strangely not really hungry. Or, rather, I want A LOT of junk food and ONLY junk food, if you please. But, I know that is a sign of not getting enough calories and protein and possibly, minerals. *Sigh* I am trying to make an effort to eat more fruits and veggies, to up my nutrients. Plus, I know the baby needs more than salt, water, Sprite with extra lime and slushies. What kind of weird-o cravings are those? I am chalking it up to the fact that it is hotter sooner and my body is just trying to prepare. Salt, for one thing, helps build up your blood volume, as does water. Cravings for sugar are a sign that your body wants protein. You should have seen me at four weeks. I was literally eating sea salt out of my container. Literally. But, I knew it was for a good cause. So, here is  to actually listening to my body, however weird it might sound to some! :)

In other news, we are going to Disney. Very soon. Like, for example, in T minus nine days and counting. I. Am. So. Excited!!! You really have no idea. No. Idea. And, of course, I am trying to be all laid back about the planning and stuff but, all I want to do is check out the websites and cry (yes, hormonally cry with excitement and anticipation-oh pregnancy!) because I just can't wait! I am really hoping that Kaine likes it. I keep telling him that we are going. We have been watching Disney Junior lately and they have this intermission thing (you know between shows) that kinda represents the electric light parade at Disney and he gets REALLY excited about that. Plus, I keep telling him that we are going to go and see the castle that comes on right before the Disney movies start to play (you know the one I mean). Not to mention that Tinker Bell will be there. Oh yes, he is more excited about Miss Tink than you could imagine and I think it is the most darling (yes, darling) thing I have EVER seen! Can you feel my excitement!!?? So, here is the game plan:

We are going to be leaving on Thursday, after Matt gets off work. Friday will bring all day excitement at the Magic Kingdom (Matt, Kaine and I). I am planning to really utilize their baby center buildings for nap time! (Which will just be a "rest" time.) Most. Awesome. Building. At. Disney. EVER. Not kidding! (Seriously, just did spell checker on this and it suggested childing? Pretty sure that is not a word! In fact, it is flagging it now!) Anyway. Saturday will bring all day excitement for Animal Kingdom (one of the best zoo's I have EVER been to). (Matt, Kaine, Me, the in-laws and Matt's brother and girlfriend). Can I pause again, right here and mention that I did not really intend to invite that many people. I must confess that my excitement ran away with me. It really did. I don't think I can truly be blamed for this. It was like I couldn't control myself from saying, "You wanna come?". Can I plead temporary insanity? Besides, our group has gotten smaller anyway. Mom, George, Jordan and Grace were suppose to go. Mom had to back out because business is booming (yea!) and she just didn't feel like she should give up jobs (now that they are literally pouring in!). Who can blame her? Not me, that's for sure!! AND, I didn't invite Matt's brother and girlfriend. I'm just saying. OK. Sunday is going to bring all day excitement at Epcot. I know it really is for more of the "older crowd" of Disney explorers. But, Matt and his family have NEVER gone! Are you shocked? I am. To me, it is astounding how many things they haven't done. Which, I know, makes me sound like a spoiled brat. So, you have to go to Disney and go to Epcot, you just have to! That's the plan. Without me trying to uber control it. I really just want to go with the flow and see where it leads us. But, of course, I want to do everything! My most important concerns:

Not to be held up. (Unfortunately, there are people in our party who just don't know how to be on time. Not naming names or anything.)
Having my own agenda not being messed with. After all, this is about Kaine. (There are people going with us who like to impose their will onto children who usually are just fine watching, thank you very much! I don't like Pushers!)
That the crowds not be so bad. (Matt just plain isn't good with crowds.)
That the heat not be to bad. (That is why morning is going to be the most important time for us to be up-and-Adam!-yes, I realize that isn't the phrase, that is just how I think of it!)
That we spend the majority of the morning (even if that means getting up at six! Yikes!) to explore all the parks. (See first parenthesis.)

I do feel, however that we are set up for a really good time. As long as we keep it relaxed and remember why we are there in the first place. I just hope it doesn't become another battle of control! Pray for me! Really.


BTW, do you ever feel like you are letting down Mark Twain because you use exclamation points? Or way too many of them (like I do)? Mark Twain quote: "One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke."
Or these guys: Exclamtion Point / Collective Inkwell

The way of life

I feel like I am trapped lately. I have no energy and God only knows how my moods will be. I have been trying to distance myself from people but, of course, that just makes the trapped feeling worse. I don't want to ruin any relationships but, I feel horrible! I have no idea how to make this better. AND the more I let things go, like cleaning the house because I have NO ENERGY the worse and worse and worse it gets. UGH! I hate this part. Can't I just sleep through it?

However, this is why I am thinking we are having a girl this time too. I didn't have moody mood swings when I was prego with Kaine. I felt like crying at sappy stupid stuff, like the Christmas commercial with the babies sleeping. But I didn't bite people's heads off just for walking across the room! Then, the guilt sets in, making me feel even more crappy. Because, what do you say to someone who just gets on your nerves for breathing?? I need a vacation, until I start to feel better. Or someone to just come over here and clean my house, organize it and tell me all is well! Wouldn't that be nice?

I think, ultimately, I am overwhelmed. I have no way of NOT feeling overwhelmed because, let's be honest, ever since we moved back I have been trying to get control of this place and I have NO help. It honestly seems like every time I get done cleaning one area two more areas are destroyed and I have to start all over again. This isn't really that much of a problem, you know, for the normal people out there. But for me, the super perfectionist (yes, I am, surprising I know) I have to get it all done and to high standards or NOTHING gets done. Do you see what I mean? I won't start something knowing that I will be interrupted (hello! I have a 3 year old!). I won't start something knowing I don't have a place for it. I won't start something knowing that I won't get finished. I won't start something knowing that it won't be done right the first time. So, things pile up. The more they pile up the more overwhelmed I feel. The more overwhelmed I feel the more things pile up. It's a vicious, vicious cycle!! Honestly, when it gets this bad, things start to go into the trash. I have made up my mind that I can't handle it therefore, I need to get rid of it. Not such a bad system really but, it is based on emotion and we all know how that turns out.