What we have been doing:

I've been busy lately. On a LOT of different levels. School is in the works (as in, I am going back, REALLY, I am!). Kaine is starting school again in September (3 days a week this time). We are going to stop watching other kids (because I do now, we just can't work out the watch kids and go to school schedule). Matt is working his butt off but, not as much as he was (thank goodness). We just got back from Kentucky to visit Matt's family and it was really pleasant (except not really the 10 hour drive - both ways!). I have been on detox and have seen significant improvement in weight loss and my bleeding has completely stopped (!!!). We are trying to conceive (again!- I am finally ready to try again). Matt's birthday is also coming up at the end of August (not to mention that Lilly just turned 5 and Mom just had a birthday too- Lots of birthday's in this family!).
In fact, the birthday thing is crazy! Look at this:

January- no one
February- Grace
March- Jared
April- Mickey
May- Brent, Kaine,  Big Elliott (Poppa) and Kristen
June- Lilly, Allana, George, Savannah and George Sr.
(Mom and George's Anniversary too)
July- Mom
August- Matt
September- Landon
October- Jordan, Douglas
November- Haley, Me, Grandma and Dad
December- Melissa, Patty, Kaylen
*and I can't remember when Little Elliot's birthday is but, I think it is in the spring. Also, I am sure I am leaving some people out too. Anyway, summer is crazy birthday months!

Anyway, Kaine is fully potty trained now too. It took forever! He was pretty good about going pee but, didn't always want to. He seemed to just want to do it off and on. Then he was going all the time (like every 10-15 minutes). We had to still keep pull-ups on him though, because he refused to poop in the potty. It was crazy and frustrating! We pretty much made him sit on the potty until he went because he knew when he had to go but, he would run away and hide so he wouldn't have to sit. (He also had a HUGE rejection of public toilets- I think it was a noise thing- they flush really loud and he HATED to be in there when the potties were making noise.) One day, he just decided he was going to start and use the potty and we haven't looked back since. He was, for a bit, wearing things for bed but, he seemed to be holding it pretty well and we decided to just go cold turkey. So, we took them off, let him go to the potty before bed and waited to see what happened. He had a few accidents but, nothing terrible. Once he got through nap time completely dry we knew he was going to be fine at bedtime too. Then, like I said, there was no looking back. He is very good now and can completely use the potty by himself (we do need to work on him pulling his pants up, however!). So, yay for big boys! (But I seriously don't want to think about the next one!)

Future Baby Names - Girl

     I have been thinking -a lot- lately about baby names. I have decided that Evangeline will be the next name that we use - providing, of course, that we have a girl. I want the next baby to have a name that means something. That truly is beautiful. That shows how much that baby was/is wanted. Names, in my opinion, should mean something. (Kaine, by the way, is named after his paternal grandfather - Braxton Kaine Mallard - his grandfather was Robert Braxton Mallard).
     Evangeline means "good news; bearer of good news" (from this site). Also, "like an angel" (from this site) . This too, "coined from the Latin evangelium [meaning] good news (the gospel)" (from this site ). How about "messenger of good news" (from this site).  It is also a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, titled Evangeline and written in 1848.
   The feelings that the name evokes are exactly what I want. It truly would be "good news" to find out that I am pregnant. If the baby makes it the whole pregnancy she will be the "messenger of good  news" or the "bearer of good news". I can't seem to think of any better name than that!  
   I have been wondering if God was going to send me a name. I have heard many people pray about the names that they give their children and God answers. It has been on my mind, for a while, that Evangeline was a pretty name. Something - or Someone - prompted me to look up the meaning. As soon as I found out what it meant, it was like a light bulb flashed on. I am almost hoping we do have a girl at one point just so I can use it! (By the way, my companion name, if we are to ever have a twin, and a boy too (!), would be Eli. I am going to have to look that up and see what it means!)

Updates: Loren & Kaine

     I am still having bleeding problems. I started progesterone about 2 weeks ago. I have come to realize, however, that I am not getting enough. So, I have started a regimen to stop the bleeding (initially) and then to initiate a regular cycle (eventually). The idea is to get the bleeding to stop altogether and then make a predictable cycle (like those of you who are blessed with a normal period cycle). The good thing about this is, I will know-without a doubt- when I am ovulating  and when and if I got pregnant. I know I ovulate, and when my period does decide to be sort of regular, I can figure out the day I am fertile. However, I don't always have this benefit. I never know if the cycle is going to happen, when it will happen and for how long it will happen. I would love (!) to know this information. So, that is where the progesterone comes in.
     So, for about the next 1-3 months this will be my daily routine (you don't really know what dose will work for you so you have to start at 400mg/day and increase it to 600mg/day gradually): every hour, starting at 9:30am I will alternate dosing, starting at 40mg, then 20mg, then 40mg and so on until 9:30pm. That will be 400mg/day, and I am going to do this for a week and see what happens. If the bleeding doesn't change, decrease or stop then I will up the dose until one of these things happen. Once I find the dose that stops the bleeding I will slowly decrease it to see which does causes the bleeding to start again. In this manner, I will find out what dose my body needs. Then I will do two weeks on and two weeks off at that dose. This will help my body to regulate its self. It will also allow my body to ovulate naturally and naturally bring on a period. Therefore, letting me get a regular cycle that is predictable.

     In other news, I am currently on a diet to lose weight. I like that I am doing this with the progesterone therapy because, hopefully, they will both reach normal at the same time. The plan is to lose the weight and regulate my system at the same time in order to achieve pregnancy at the optimal time. Of course, no time limit is really going to help, I will just have to wait and see how all things play out.
     I am also currently trying to get everything together to go back to school. I went and saw an adviser yesterday and everything academically is set and ready to go. Financially, paperwork has to be done. I am currently waiting on my pin number in order to access my past financial aid papers so I can give them proof of payment. Once all this is sorted out and my letter comes through, I will be able to register for classes. I have three more general classes to take and then I am onto my core requirements. But, I can also do them at the same time. Once this part is done, I move onto my bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Education. It may take me a while but, I am not worried about that. After all, it has taken me this long already, right?

     Kaine is doing well. He seems not to want to take naps lately, however. I am not sure if he just isn't getting enough action during the day or what. I have noticed that Kaine not getting a nap has improved his nighttime sleep. He goes to sleep faster (instead of taking 2+ hours to go down) and either sleeps through the night or gets up later. I have to say, it is about time! I truly wish this is here to stay. So, just in case, I have made him have "movie hour" during the afternoon. He is not able to get up and has to watch the whole movie before his rest is over. He seems to like this just fine. We have cut out an electrical entertainment after dinner too. Which really seems to help him calm down or get out extra energy before bed (we have been playing games or sports). So, I am hoping that he starts to sleep, more consistently, through the night. As soon as school starts again, poor Kaine will definitely have to keep up his naps, he gets SOOO tired! But, maybe this routine will get him used to staying asleep at night, therefore improving everyone's sleep. 
    

Cleaning Up My Body

I have decided to detox. Today is day one. It is suppose to be a 4-week plan. Each week focuses on a different part of the body. This week is the kidneys and the intestines. Lot's of fruits, juices (freshly juiced in my awesome juicer that my mom gave us when Kaine was born-so I could make him healthy foods!), veggies, cranberry juice (highly diluted-thank goodness, that stuff is expensive!), and lot's and lots of water.
I am doing detox to jump-start my weight loss. I have really been trying to find the perfect plan for us (because, we basically ALL have to be on a diet for it to work for me! lol). It has been hard and I haven't been able to stick with ANY of them. But, this is affordable and easily attainable, because I am not eating much.
Here is a break down of a "normal" Phase 1 day:

• Warm water with lemon, upon rising
• Skin brushing (to help with lymph pick-up and circulation)
• 30 minute brisk walk
• Cranberry juice and water (1:4) with psyllium husks
• Apple (for the pectin)
• Water throughout the day
• Fruit all morning
• Large salad for lunch
• Wait 2-3 hours before eating again
• Eat more fruit if hungry
• Large salad and vegetarian meal for dinner

Each week you add something more to this plan. Basically, this plan allows your body to rest. Which, honestly, I think it will be a sigh of relief for my body. Especially since it is still acting up. I really hope this helps regulate my hormones and menstrual cycle too. I want a baby! Nothing worth having is ever easy to come by, right? So, the hard work starts here. It is time that I take getting this weight off seriously and seriously start to look to the future. I am very hopeful, even if this adventure doesn't result in a baby. I REALLY do need to lose weight, no matter what. My future will look much better (for all of us) if I was 40-50lbs lighter. That is not just about vanity either, being lighter will give me much more energy, stamina and the will to get things done! If a baby happens to come along too, that is great. But, we aren't trying right now. The weight comes first and then, in a few months, we will start to try again.

Oh, and also, I have started on my progesterone regime. I am not sure if I have talked about this or not. I have been reading, reading, reading, and reading about how to get my body into a good childbearing situation. But, you know you can't get pregnant if you never stop bleeding in the first place! So, what to do, what to do? That has been my constant question. So, I found a fabulous website that walks you through everything. Here is the link: Natural Fertility Information. It is very informative. If you are really interested in the progesterone thing here is the link to that: Progesterone Fertility Guide. I am just using it to regulate my cycle and get the bleeding to stop. I am now going on six weeks of bleeding because my body is just making a really thick lining and it isn't able to shed it appropriately. So, the progesterone is going to level everything out. And, it has considerably lessened my bleeding. I also barely have any clots. A BIG - HUGE improvement to what it was! Plus, it has only been one week. I can't wait to see what happens when this stuff starts to build up in my system. I might be a completely new woman! *Here's to hoping!* So, day one and week one have been successful. I hope it stays like this! :)

Healing wounds

I am starting to think that there really is something to the "it is really meant to be" phrase. If it is meant to be it will be. I have long been an advocate for this phrase.

I always thought, as  I am sure all women and young girls do, that if you have unprotected sex YOU WILL GET PREGNANT! Not so. Apparently it is really hard to get pregnant, even for those of us that don't actually have problems. Apparently, you are only fertile, at best, 2-3 days a month. That's it! No, I had unprotected sex and then my period started, Thank God! moments. No, oh boy I hope I didn't just walk into something that I am not sure I can handle. Nope, you have a small and VERY precise window. Add any type of problem to this, and your window is even smaller or nil. Nonexistent. So, what do you do?

In my case, I always knew it was going to be hard for me. I have even heard the whole, "if you can get pregnant you may not be able to keep it" line. Now, I know that is true. However, I refuse to let that define me. I will no longer be "the one who can't get pregnant". I already have, after all. Kaine was meant to be, the others weren't. I no longer have the fear of "what if I can't?!". I KNOW I can. One of these days God will send me a baby. One of these days our baby will be here. I am not sure what path that baby may have to travel but, God does. God is in control of our lives and we will be alright.

I am starting detox in two weeks to prepare my body for a starting over phase, if you will. I need to know that I did everything right this time around. I am also going to start progesterone cream and vitex to regulate my hormones (I am estrogen dominate). I am hoping this is going to jump start my system and be able to carry me all the way through a successful pregnancy! :)

I have a grown up living room

It seems that we finally got this place in some sort of shape. There is still A LOT to do, on the organization of closets and our room side of things, but it is, at least now, getting done. We painted this weekend. The living room, hall and kitchen all got a nice warm coat of lovely paint on them. We decided that the other rooms were going to have to wait. Especially since the other rooms were junky holding things from the rooms that we were painting. I really felt like setting such a lofty goal would set us up for bad moods and things being left undone or half done also. I didn't want to go there. We accomplished our goal, I am happy about that. I was even able to hang pictures, paint the trim and baseboards, stain Kaine's table and chairs, buy and hang curtains too. It feels so nice to walk into a room that actually looks like you live in it!

I must say here, that I got a STEAL on the curtains too! They are Martha Stewart and if you know anything about Ms. Martha Stewart you know she doesn't do "cheap". Which, I must say, is mostly to here credit. These are BY FAR the nicest curtains/fabric I have ever owned. Oh yes my friends, I have felt and longed for fabric like this my whole life! It is pure luxury. The way that I got them, you ask? If you don't know, most of Ms. Stewart's things are super expensive. With no exception to curtain panels. These particular panels happened to be marked for clearance at the local Home Depot for (rounding up) $12 a panel. Pretty reasonable, in my book (especially if you count the extra nice fabric!). So, I bought them. Here is a wonderful picture and price tag for you to look at to see how much of a deal these were! Pretty nice, right? So, my living room actually looks like a room I did on purpose, instead of a room that a college dorm dumpster or thrift store threw up in. Yeah, it's pretty nice.

The saga

I haven't really had anything interesting to say lately, except rants. I really don't want to make this blog an "angry" one. I do like to come here to complain about stuff, just to get it out and so I can move past it. However, I don't want it to be ALL about that.

However, there have been many things bothering me lately. I am just not sure I am ready to talk about them yet. Especially this one thing, involving a certain "couple" that really seems bizarre. I can't seem to wrap my head around it. In fact, I totally see myself avoiding the WHOLE thing. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable and I REALLY, REALLY don't know why. I am not one to ignore those feelings, I just don't know what to do about it. It shouldn't even be this big of a deal. I guess that is why I feel I can't figure it out. Ok, I guess I should just go ahead and tell you the story. Maybe writing it out will make it go away (or lessen the affects it is having on me!).

Matt's brother is getting married. No big deal, right? Why is it making my stomach turn at the mere mention on this happy occasion? He "proposed" to her after ONLY 5 weeks of knowing/dating her. (I say "proposed" because I have YET to be told of a proposal story or SEEN a ring!) Who does that? Yeah, yeah, I get the whole "we are in love and you JUST KNOW" crap. (I really don't think it is crap, because I "just knew" with Matt really early too, but come on!)

Anyway, the issue is this: he keeps dating THE SAME GIRL. I am not just talking about them having similarities, I am talking about it going like this:
Oh, she is nice.
Oh, she seems sweet.
Oh, she has sort of a past.
Oh, she may actually be skanky.
Oh, she is crazy.
Oh, she really, really, really, is crazy.

And the relationship goes like this:
I just got out of a bad relationship.
Oh, I am dating someone again (way too soon).
I REALLY love her!
She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!
Oh, we broke up because I didn't like her past.
Oh, we are back together again.
Oh, we broke up again because she has a drinking problem (insert problem where "drinking" is).
We really love each other.
Want to move in?
All is well and we "may be" getting married.
We are breaking up.
We are back together again (this is the point where everyone in the family just wishes they would work their shit out already and either move on or stay together).
We really are broken up and are NEVER getting back together again!
Repeat.

The bad thing is, this process is dragged out over years. YEARS! The first one was about 3 years. The next one was about 3-3 and a half years. They were pretty much back-to-back. I know it is his life but, it affects mine too! Especially now, since I have a child who still asks about "where the other one is".

I am really uncomfortable with this whole situation. I don't agree with it. I think he rushes way to fast and furious toward something that, plainly, just takes time! He wants it all and he wants it NOW! I don't want my son falling for someone else just to see them walk away (or be thrown out) of his life again. But, it really isn't about that either. I just think Matt's brother is displaying some serious self destructive behavior and, frankly, I am NOT okay with that!

Isn't it weird that it bothers me so much? I guess because I feel like pieces of the puzzle just DON'T make since. Why so sudden? Why her? Is this really something you should enter into so lightly (marriage I mean)? I don't know what to think!