Some of you will remember that I posted on how Matt and I felt as if God was leading us down the path to "Let go, and Let God", especially regarding our children. I have to say that this weekend was one of the hardest times I have ever had to endure. Here is the story:
About two weeks ago I took an ovulation test and it came out positive. We tried all weekend to get pregnant. I "knew" it had happened. I don't know exactly how but I just knew it. I started to have pregnancy symptoms about a week or so later (albeit, very slight ones that were building daily). However, Saturday brought on spotting and cramping. After all that I had read, I was hoping it was implantation bleeding, which could come with cramping. However, as the day progressed more and more blood started to come. I knew what was happening. I tried to resign myself to the fact that, indeed (in normal land) this is when my period should show up anyway. But, what about the positive ovulation test? Well, I pretty much cried every time I had to go to the bathroom or, in the very least, felt like crying. Fast forward to Sunday night. I had pretty much been in bed all day, partly because I wasn't feeling great hormonally and physically and (mostly) because I was depressed. Anyway, Sunday night started some pretty serious gas/uterine cramping. I even found myself in the bathroom squatting to relieve the pain. I had to pace the floor or sway back and forth to get some relief, sitting was NOT an option. To my dismay, even though I am used to passing large clots, I knew this was something else. TMI warning- When I went to the bathroom I discovered that I was indeed passing something but, it was not a clot, in the sense of what I was used to. It was different. I knew instantly that my body was getting rid of a fertilized egg. I hesitate to use the term miscarriage. After all, I wasn't technically pregnant (even though I believe that pregnancy starts at conception). Book knowledge puts pregnancy at implantation, which never occurred or failed to "stick", if you will.
Part of me knows that, if I didn't know I was ovulating a few weeks ago, I would never have known of the passing. Another part of me, wants me to just accept that it is a period and nothing more. I wish I could. I just know that this is different. I even described the pain to Matt as "labor like". It was no where near the intense rushes that you get in full-on labor. More like the cramp-y "something is really going on now" labor that you get when you are starting to take it seriously. I was heart sick, still am at times. I know this baby wasn't meant to be but, oh! how much is was wanted! God's plan and timing are better than my own. I know our baby is still out there and that my faith must bring me through this pain.
I believe my body is just doing what it was designed to do. I hope, beyond hope, that it wasn't caused by some tumor or abnormality that could have been avoided if I had known about it before hand. I just hope that the egg or something wasn't viable and that this life wasn't meant to be. God knows more than we do and I place my hope in His hands.
About two weeks ago I took an ovulation test and it came out positive. We tried all weekend to get pregnant. I "knew" it had happened. I don't know exactly how but I just knew it. I started to have pregnancy symptoms about a week or so later (albeit, very slight ones that were building daily). However, Saturday brought on spotting and cramping. After all that I had read, I was hoping it was implantation bleeding, which could come with cramping. However, as the day progressed more and more blood started to come. I knew what was happening. I tried to resign myself to the fact that, indeed (in normal land) this is when my period should show up anyway. But, what about the positive ovulation test? Well, I pretty much cried every time I had to go to the bathroom or, in the very least, felt like crying. Fast forward to Sunday night. I had pretty much been in bed all day, partly because I wasn't feeling great hormonally and physically and (mostly) because I was depressed. Anyway, Sunday night started some pretty serious gas/uterine cramping. I even found myself in the bathroom squatting to relieve the pain. I had to pace the floor or sway back and forth to get some relief, sitting was NOT an option. To my dismay, even though I am used to passing large clots, I knew this was something else. TMI warning- When I went to the bathroom I discovered that I was indeed passing something but, it was not a clot, in the sense of what I was used to. It was different. I knew instantly that my body was getting rid of a fertilized egg. I hesitate to use the term miscarriage. After all, I wasn't technically pregnant (even though I believe that pregnancy starts at conception). Book knowledge puts pregnancy at implantation, which never occurred or failed to "stick", if you will.
Part of me knows that, if I didn't know I was ovulating a few weeks ago, I would never have known of the passing. Another part of me, wants me to just accept that it is a period and nothing more. I wish I could. I just know that this is different. I even described the pain to Matt as "labor like". It was no where near the intense rushes that you get in full-on labor. More like the cramp-y "something is really going on now" labor that you get when you are starting to take it seriously. I was heart sick, still am at times. I know this baby wasn't meant to be but, oh! how much is was wanted! God's plan and timing are better than my own. I know our baby is still out there and that my faith must bring me through this pain.
I believe my body is just doing what it was designed to do. I hope, beyond hope, that it wasn't caused by some tumor or abnormality that could have been avoided if I had known about it before hand. I just hope that the egg or something wasn't viable and that this life wasn't meant to be. God knows more than we do and I place my hope in His hands.
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