I've Been Busy

Life has revealed some crazy things to me! Lot's of things have been going on. I am not even sure where to begin. That is probably why I haven't written anything in a while.

Anyway, my baby wanting hasn't really gone away. We still want all the babies that we can and God will let us! However, I have a hormonal imbalance that has made me pre-menopausal (i.e. infertile!). I had a saliva profile done and got my results on Friday. Basically, I am estrogen dominate and need to do hormone replacement therapy to resupply my body with progesterone and balance everything else out. Also, the test down right confirmed that I have PCOS. (No surprise there! We have always suspected this; since I was 15!) So, we are working on figuring out the right protocol. 

What IS clear, is that A LOT of things are about to change-Inside and Out! New diet, new exercise plan (or, I should say AN exercise plan, lol), new hormone therapy, new daily schedule and a brand new menstrual cycle (hopefully one that makes sense and let's me get prego!). LOTS going on!

Also, Kaine and I are about to go down a new path. Homeschool curriculum is in the mail and on it's way to our house! I have chosen Catholic Heritage Curriculum as our preschool program. We have chosen Kolbe Academy for the rest of his education (this I have already written on). Kolbe doesn't have a preschool program so, for a few months now, I have been in search of a good, comprehensive, religious and motivating curriculum to start our journey. I am excited about it and can't wait for our package to get here! We are going to be doing religion, music, phonics, shapes, numbers, letters, colors, sounds, and learning about the Liturgical year (Church calendar). It will be great!

We are also looking into getting Kaine into some extra curricular activities like gymnastics. He needs some kid time and some sort of energy release. I haven't found a good place yet. Once my Nanny duties are done, we will be looking more and more into it. (Alas, all things will be dependent of my freeing up my time and focusing on getting healthy.)

Because I should post something...

Depressing! I can't believe I let this thing go as long as I have without, at least, SOME word written on it! Anyway....TONS of things have changed. Some good, some bad, as it always seems to go.

The holidays were nice, a bit hectic but, filled with family. Kaine and the rest of the bunch had a great Christmas.
I started a new job (sort of) and have consequently ended said job within a month due to many factors (mainly, it just was not a comfortable situation and wasn't working with my family dynamics).
Kaine is no longer in pre-school. We want to home-school eventually anyway and I figured "why not start now?". Also, couldn't do job AND school (not that it was REALLY an issue or hard decision anyway).
I guess this is what I will talk about. Kaine misses school. He has been frequently (more now than ever) asking to go back. It breaks my heart that I have taken him out of something that he was enjoying. I truly do feel, however, that we are making a better "future" choice for him. Having said that, I don't feel like putting him in a school environment is what any of us truly want. I know what he is missing are the friends. So, we have started to look into new areas that get him out of the house and with his peers (one of the downfalls of home education, in my opinion, is ignoring the social needs of the children undergoing said home education). We want him to start gymnastics, he seems really excited about the prospect too. I would like to get him into some sort of sport but, my physiologist husband (lol) thinks that putting him into something like that too early will hinder him later in life (more along the lines of basically setting him up to be a baseball player at an early age and with the "learning" of that type of movement the body grows toward that instead of reaching its full, mobile potential. Did that make sense?). I don't really know how to explain that sort of thing. Also, my husband is super smart and knows what he is talking about so, really, I just let him handle it :).
So, Kaine is doing well in other aspects of life. But I do see room for improvement. I also see that he wasn't getting much out of going to school anyway (he really has regressed in his learning abilities). This is in part due to the fact that everyone in his class, at the pre-school, had some sort of learning disability, was behind, had speech issues or was just plain younger than he was (this makes the class sound bad but, mostly the language skills weren't as high as his and he wasn't being challenged enough). I think once we figure out this new routine and start adding "class time" to our schedule, things will work themselves out.

Moving on...

     So, we just decided tonight that we may...possibly...might be...moving. Again. I know, I know. But, really we need more space. This space would be fine and all...but...well...there is literally one "common" closet (the other three are in bedrooms (and they aren't walk in's if you get my drift). The kitchen is insanely small and doubles as a laundry room, i.e, it is VERY cluttered and hardly ever clean. Plus! No pantry. None. BIG DEAL! BIG! (Think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when you read that!)
     Also, our neighbors are dirty. I mean, they have a growing pile of trash on a chair (think: like the ones you find at Goodwill that are short and weirdly upholstered, that has been there since we moved in- probably longer) that I can see from my kitchen/laundry window. Not to mention, my backyard, that isn't usable because of said trash pile and other unmentionables I found back there when, around this time last year, I was trying to clean it out! Ugh. Not to mention that there are like 7 people living in a space meant for MAYBE 3. And one of them is in a wheelchair, you do the math on that one. Except, and I wish the horrors stopped there, but the smell is unbelievable! Think: Never. Been. Cleaned. EVER. I know, gross. Get why we need to move now?
     I really, really don't want to move though. I love the area we are in. The other neighbors are awesome. Our landlord leaves us alone and pretty much lets us do whatever we want (I have seriously planted and redone the front lawn and it looks awesome!). Kaine also has friends here. Plus, I don't want to put that boy through yet ANOTHER move. (If you are counting, since he has been born this would make 3 and he is only 3 and a half.) Big parental fail. But, it would be for his benefit because we need more space. Maybe the next place will stick? Who knows. So, the search is on. Here goes nothing.

It's Halloween Season!

I have been super busy lately. Which has been a blessing (not having to focus on "baby" stuff anymore!). But, I am also starting to feel ill. Hope it goes away quickly. Anyway...
I have just finished Kaine's Angry Bird costume. I didn't want to spend $60 for the retail version. Not to mention that they are made so cheaply (which makes me even angrier about the price tag!) so, I made my own. I got a Simplicity pattern for around $10 at Joanne's. It was for a chicken costume (and another costume that is a pumpkin- SO CUTE). So, I figured I could turn the chicken costume into a red Angry Bird. So, I did. It came out amazing!! I am so thrilled by it, that I am planning on entering a Halloween costume contest too. I just love it to death. Plus, when Kaine put it on, he immediately started to act like he was a Angry Bird, with awesome sound effects too. We took him outside so I could get a good picture by our pumpkins. He started to "flap" his wings. It was really, really cute! He loves it. I am so happy about the whole thing.
Also, I am making Matt's Cher costume too. I am not so thrilled about this one. I kinda messed up on the shirt so, now I am trying to fix my mistakes without making it look too crappy (or having to eat the cost and just go out and make/or find something that will work). :( So, we will see about how this comes out. But, it entails a "fringe" or "tassel" like shirt (complete with beads!). Made out of white pleather. Can you just imagine? LOL. I also ordered a Cher wig from Amazon.com. It is hilariously long. I want to get some bright red lipstick, some make-up/paint (think foundation), stick on nails and of course (!) some fake eye lashes. Don't you wish you were coming to our Halloween party?? Haha!
We are both going to wear jeans made into bell-bottoms. I found a really good tutorial online that shows how to easily transform a pair of regular jeans into bell-bottoms. Which is nice because then you know the jeans are going to fit and then, possibly, you could just take them apart again and have your regular jeans back again (that is, if I feel like putting them back together, lol).
I am going to be Sonny, of course. I just bought a really expensive wig and mustache combo. I was trying to avoid this but, could not find a good alternative at a party store (the three that I went to, by-the-way). Then I am going to be wearing a tie-dye shirt that I got at the party store. And some "rose colored" glasses.  It is going to be hilarious. So, hilarity will ensue.

Provisions of Faith

I feel encouragement. I feel hope. Well, maybe not fully. But, I am trying. I know that there is now a reason for so many things to have happened in my life. (This, I have always suspected.) God does have a plan. I now know that I wasn't suppose to get pregnant. God was trying to tell me this whole time that I had something wrong with me. He does know that there are things that affect us, even if we can't see them ourselves. This is not going to be an easy journey. I am at the beginning of a long and tedious battle. I don't even know yet what I am facing, in fact. I just know it isn't going to be an easy one.
Now, I know I am being dramatic. It is part of who I am (most can't handle it). But, we are all selfish beings whose problems are amplified because it is the only thing we truly experience on our own. If we can somehow step outside of ourselves, we may be able to overcome (with God's divine help). It is precisely this power that has me so calm. I feel like I should be freaking out. Especially faced with the possibilities of what might be coming (more later). I just don't have it. I am in a pure "wait and see" type of feeling. A "peace that passes all understanding", I assume. It can only be from God. It is so unnatural that that is the only place it has to be from. I have to say, it is nice. In the face of hard times to have such a calm is comforting, uplifting and encouraging. A sort of "hope floats" type of thing, if you will. God is great and will provide.
Peace and understanding and love. That is what you need when you feel like you are about to fall off the face of the earth. God provides. He does, if you are willing to lay yourself aside and trust Him. That is the only condition and, although it isn't easy to do, the pay-off is worth it. You get so much more back. More than you could ever imagine. More than I could ever describe. God's love is all encompassing. God provides. God provides.

That's that.

****TMI WARNING****

     I took a pregnancy test this evening and it was negative. Still bleeding. Haven't passed any tissue, as of yet. Small to dime sized clots, followed by some dark red blood flow. Minor (seriously minor) cramps, off and on. I guess we are in for a drawn out loss. Not happy. Not sure where we are going to go from here. Don't really want to do anything. A bit angry. Mostly numb. Not really feeling anything. Matt's not taking it well but, trying to hide it. Gotta love a man that will protect you, no matter what. 

Uh oh...

Started bleeding yesterday (now 9 weeks). Not that bad. Once I get off my feet it seems to stop or slow down. Started out red and (mostly with clots. thought I was just passing a clot). Now it is dark and only there when I wipe. I know my body is going through the corpus lutem to placenta change, and I hope this has something to do with it. Also, that a uterine growth spurt is suppose to be happening about this time (which, in some women, apparently, can cause bleeding). So, I am hoping that this is all it is. Also, maybe it has something to do with low lying placenta? or placenta implantation? Many options. Most of what I have heard and read has said "don't worry, it is normal" and "as long as you aren't bleeding enough to need a pad, don't worry". I can say, at least, that last time I needed a pad within hours of the bleeding starting. Also, I have a personal friend that significant bleeding (due to blood -think "old blood"- being trapped between her uterus and the babies amniotic sac.) She now has a healthy 6th month old with NO problems. The bleeding also resolved it self after about 3 weeks. She was on bed rest at first and then they said, light activity. So...yeah.
The biggest thing is, that it isn't getting worse (last time it did). It is also getting darker which, as far a bleeding goes, is a "good sign". So...IDK, just freaking out a little. I guess not being past 10 weeks (that's when the miscarriage happened last April) is making me nervous. I am trying not to worry, especially since no one else seems to be worried about it. Except Matt and I.