So, I am confused again!

I am trying to get pregnant. If you even glance at my blog, you know this much. Lately I have been trying to figure out some sort of pattern to my body's natural cycle. What I have discovered so far is that normal has no place in my bodies rhyme or reason for doing anything. A friend suggested to me that I am highly prone to stress induces bleeding. I, at first, thought that was crazy (sorry friend). Now I am not so sure. My body has been giving me really weird signals lately. AND yes, I have been pretty stressed out lately. It really doesn't help that I see NO NO NO normality. AND the idea of me not ovulating is rearing it's ugly little head again. I thought that last month we had worked that question out (because I did ovulate). This month, however, I did not. I also seem to have really short cycles lately. I am hoping it is my body trying to get into a more normal like pattern. Seeing as how I usually have long cycles (month and a half long or more).

Basically, right now, I am really confused. I know all the signs of impending ovulation, what happens after ovulation and even what your body may be telling you when you are pregnant. But lately my body has been sending me mixed signals. For example, I should have ovulated this week. I have been taking the ovulation predictor kits for the last 3 days. All results have been negative, however, my cervical position is high and my cervical fluid is milky (which shows impending ovulation). However, I wake up this morning to an impending period (I am currently spotting). According to my charting this should be my most fertile day. I should not be bleeding, I should be ovulating. So, therefore, I conclude that my original thought (or feeling) that I only ovulate on one side, may actually be true. This isn't such a bad thing. Because, after all, I do ovulate, I just won't have as many chances of getting pregnant as most women do. Silver lining = there still is ovulation which could still equal pregnancy.

Either way, I think I am going to try and focus on other things. Maybe, like everything else seems to work out, the thing you want most will come when you aren't expecting it. Anyway, I am going to focus on weight loss and trying to learn to lift weights (because when you gain muscle it burns more energy at resting therefore, you burn more calories when you aren't doing anything!). I would just like to have some other shape than a tall oval! Ha ha!

Fun times are coming

I have decided not to be depressed anymore. I know, shocking! It is so easy for me to get depressed and wallow. I have decided to focus on the positive parts of my life and how much I AM blessed. Like the fact that I have one fabulous child and KNOW we got it right the first time, no matter what happens. And, yes, I mean no matter what. Plus, I really do have one kick-butt husband that would literally lay down and die for me, if only I would ask. So, THERE....lol.

Anyway, we are still trying to get settled in. I had a wonderful weekend. We all needed a break from each other! I was able to spend daylight hours on Saturday completely by myself! I really don't have a clue when the last time that was!?? It was so nice. I was able to renew my spirit, do whatever I want and get some stuff done! It was glorious. I made some curtains and ironed the fabric in front of the TV while watching Bewitched and I Dream of Jeanie on TV Land. Best day ever! Plus, I totally got two bonus dates over the weekend with my husband! That NEVER EVER happens. Two kid free dinners AND two movies! Much needed. BTW, Kaine was with Nanny and Poppa (Matt's Parents).

I am still trying to get this place in order, like I said. I am having issues with organization because, truthfully, there just isn't enough "places" to put things. Yes, I have been throwing things out too. But, here in weird Gainesville where you have to pay the city for your trash cans and for them to pick them up (way to much if you ask me!) we only have one tiny outside trash can and don't even bother putting more out that will fit in it! They won't even blink an eye at it! Not to mention that they are the most lazy garbage people I have ever seen. I mean, really!, you can't pick up the trash can yourself? Or! Bags on the ground?? WOW! Is all I have to say to that. Guess their union really is "working" for them! lol Lame. Anyway, sorry about THAT tangent! My point is, I can't get things done in a timely manner, it seems, because there are weird and unforeseen circumstances standing in my way. But, really, where am I suppose to put this stuff???

Kaine is doing well. Growing bigger than any child I have ever seen at this stage. I believe he is very close, if not already, at the four foot mark and weighs 47#, at two and a half. That's big! However, we always knew that at least one of our kids were (was? are?) going to pass us by. He loves school now too, which is a relief. No more tears! Except he does say most days, "Mommy you came back!" LOL. I think most of that is from the book "Llama, Llama, Misses Momma" where at the end that is the phrase that is uttered when his Momma comes to get him from school. It really is cute.  I am actually starting to worry about summer, I need to find us an activity - he gets so bored! But, that is for another day.

The love of Sisters

Like most of my posts, I am not sure where this one will end up. I am not even sure I have a starting point. I just need to talk. I am really starting to doubt the connections in my life. My people connections. I really don't feel like people are anywhere near the friendship level that I am. Maybe I come off a little to strong? I really do wish someone would open up to me and let me know how I make people feel. I am starting to think that people just don't "want to deal" with me. Not nice. I just want someone to open up to, you know, like someone with the same type of insight (woman stuff and the struggles that go with). I am seriously done with surface friendships. Maybe I should walk around with a sign around my neck that reads: "Serious, meaningful relationship people should only reply". All I need is just one good friend. Just one. That's not asking too much is it?

Honestly, I think that is why God gives you sisters. Although, I wouldn't say that I am SUPER close with either one of my sisters. Partly because of the physical distance between us. Partly because we have emotional issues and can't seem to come together in a more united way. Having said that, I miss them. I think they are the only ones that truly know "me". I don't even have to say anything, because you already know they are on the next page with you. I guess I just miss really having sisters. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to lean on, cry on and just plain have around, no questions asked.

Sorry, still not over the whole baby thing. Trying to come to terms with something that I have known about for a while but, somehow, didn't want to believe. I guess the doctors were right, having or even getting pregnant, for me, is going to be a long road. I just wish I had someone around that understood the pain. You just need someone to step up and fill the void without being shown the way.

Heart Ache

Some of you will remember that I posted on how Matt and I felt as if God was leading us down the path to "Let go, and Let God", especially regarding our children. I have to say that this weekend was one of the hardest times I have ever had to endure. Here is the story:

About two weeks ago I took an ovulation test and it came out positive. We tried all weekend to get pregnant. I "knew" it had happened. I don't know exactly how but I just knew it. I started to have pregnancy symptoms about a week or so later (albeit, very slight ones that were building daily). However, Saturday brought on spotting and cramping. After all that I had read, I was hoping it was implantation bleeding, which could come with cramping. However, as the day progressed more and more blood started to come. I knew what was happening. I tried to resign myself to the fact that, indeed (in normal land) this is when my period should show up anyway. But, what about the positive ovulation test? Well, I pretty much cried every time I had to go to the bathroom or, in the very least, felt like crying. Fast forward to Sunday night. I had pretty much been in bed all day, partly because I wasn't feeling great hormonally and physically and (mostly) because I was depressed. Anyway, Sunday night started some pretty serious gas/uterine cramping. I even found myself in the bathroom squatting to relieve the pain. I had to pace the floor or sway back and forth to get some relief, sitting was NOT an option. To my dismay, even though I am used to passing large clots, I knew this was something else. TMI warning- When I went to the bathroom I discovered that I was indeed passing something but, it was not a clot, in the sense of what I was used to. It was different. I knew instantly that my body was getting rid of a fertilized egg. I hesitate to use the term miscarriage. After all, I wasn't technically pregnant (even though I believe that pregnancy starts at conception). Book knowledge puts pregnancy at implantation, which never occurred or failed to "stick", if you will.

Part of me knows that, if I didn't know I was ovulating a few weeks ago, I would never have known of the passing. Another part of me, wants me to just accept that it is a period and nothing more. I wish I could. I just know that this is different. I even described the pain to Matt as "labor like". It was no where near the intense rushes that you get in full-on labor. More like the cramp-y "something is really going on now" labor that you get when you are starting to take it seriously. I was heart sick, still am at times. I know this baby wasn't meant to be but, oh! how much is was wanted! God's plan and timing are better than my own. I know our baby is still out there and that my faith must bring me through this pain.

I believe my body is just doing what it was designed to do. I hope, beyond hope, that it wasn't caused by some tumor or abnormality that could have been avoided if I had known about it before hand. I just hope that the egg or something wasn't viable and that this life wasn't meant to be. God knows more than we do and  I place my hope in His hands.

A Woman's Role

So, I guess my blog is boring lately. I haven't really been inspired to talk about anything but babies and bleeding. Sorry. I am not so sure this is over either. If you would like to stop reading (I think you already have) go ahead. This is more about leaving my thoughts for my kids anyway. I want them to be able to go through the processes with me. I would have given anything to read my parents thoughts on the why and wherefore of most of their decisions. But, alas, God knows best and I would be no where near the person I am today for not having gone through ton (so it seems to me) of life's struggles. I only hope I can pass on my knowledge to our next generation without bitterness of spirit.

Here are my goals for our lives (thus far):

• I want to follow God's plan for my life 
• I feel I must make a note here. I say "my life" because that is all God really gives me control over (although, we are told to teach our young and those women who are younger than ourselves)
• God's plan for me:
• To put myself under my husband's authority
• To be a housewife and do my work joyfully
• To raise my children in the Christian way
• To have my family be in God's way
• God has revealed to me that I must only worry about "what I am doing wrong" not what other people are doing.
• This goes along with the whole verse or speech about "those without sin, throw the first stone"
• God as revealed to me that being in the popular way of the world are NOT how Christians are to live
• We should "be in the world but, not of the world"

A lot of this is not popular opinion. Most of this is seen as anti-feminist, old fashioned, contrary or just plain backward. God, in my humble opinion, doesn't care about "fitting in". God cares about what is right and good for His followers. I want to be in God's plan. I want to follow His path, not my own.

What has brought this sudden change in me? God of course. But I have been reading a book called, "The Excellent Wife". It is a Biblical perspective on how wives are to behave and live their lives. It really opened my eyes to all of the things that we hear in the church or growing up, that many of us reject to follow. I, personally, have to say that I was the Queen Bee of rebellion when it came to such things as:

• Submission
• Authority roles
• Women's rightful, God ordained roles
• Womanhood

I would even go as far to say that I was a hippie feminist. And PROUD of it! Not so much anymore. I don't think feminist have found just quite what they are looking for yet. I was bitter and angry and completely "my own woman equal to a man in every way". This is just not true. All you have to do is look at a man and woman and see that they were meant for complimentary lives one to the other. This is not my original opinion but, God's.

I have been on a journey since I got married to find what God had planned for our lives. I think I have finally found the path. I have gotten myself out of the way and even submitted to hearing, no listening, what God has to say on the matter. I know I am no where near what God has planned. But, bear with me, I am trying and I am bound to make mistakes. What better learning medium is there?

New Things

Life is changing, I hope it is anyway! I really do think I am pregnant this time around. Of course, it is WAY to early to even know that. And, yes, I know we have been here before. This time- I tell you!- is different! For one thing, I was monitoring my ovulation with test strips (not the natural way I wanted to go but, I was getting no where with basal body temperatures). I was keeping track of cervical mucus and cervical position, in relation to ovulation. So, that is something, anyhow. Why do I think I am pregnant? Thanks for asking. I have been reading up on what happens after fertilization and this is what I know so far:

• Your body produces more fluid, you know, down there 
• The fluid is either clear or milky white (mine is milky white-like lotion)
• Your cervix stays relatively high in your vagina (mine is)
• Your cervix stays relatively soft (opposed to firm and low) (mine is soft)
• You are really tired (yup)
• You may have cravings or binges (um, yeah)
• Cramping in lower abdomen (little twinges, off and on)
• Low back ache (yes)
• Nausea, vomiting, sore or swollen breasts, darkened areola's (mine never went away)  and an increase in smell (none of which I have, yet, that is why they are lumped together- none of this happened until about week 4 last time, keep in mind that is a guess, because I had no idea-even suspected- I was with child until about 6 weeks along)

Yes, so having said all of that. I also know that ALL of that (except the whole secretion thing and cervix stuff-which are my biggest indicators) are all a sign of your period approaching too. Also, seeing as how my body tends to act pregnant before my period (with all of the other symptoms, including dark areola's) I am not going to put much hope in those signs. So, yes, I am at a heightened since of "could it be" right now. Hoping, beyond hope, to get a positive in the next 2 weeks. But I am just go and get a blood test, because strip prego tests don't seem to work for me (?). Let you know!

Also, I  may be getting a job. I am going to go talk to someone at the gym tomorrow morning and see if I can just come in for a few hours (like 2) and work the rest of the day at home. It is only 25 hours a week but, if I can do the majority of it at home, I don't see why it won't work out! Pray that we can work out something that is good for all involved and get this ball rolling!! It would be so nice to have a little extra cash to set aside, just in case, or to even use as a house down payment! Will up date soon! *UPDATE: Job did not work out. What I was told and what the job actually was didn't match up at all. Everything works out in the end though.