Computer Crashed

Well, sort of. We got a Trojan virus. All of our stuff was completely wiped out. That taught me to back things up! The saddest part is that ALL of my video's are gone. The pictures I had put on FaceBook and I can recover, at least. It really does suck though. Matt also said that we may still be able to recover somethings. I hope, for his sake (all the documents got wiped too) that we can. So, all-in-all, I guess it could have been worse. I was freaking out when I thought all the pictures were gone. I probably wouldn't have recovered from that.
But, lesson learned, I guess.

What's it all about?

Weird dreams (which is weird for me anyway, I don't have dreams!)...insomnia...very thirsty...pressure in my lower abdomen...increased libido (for a while anyway)...very hungry...funny cramps...weird tingles in my chest area...large, brown areolas (TMI, sorry)...
What is going on? I am hoping it is something wonderful...we will have to wait and see. Also, it may just be my body reacting to the "reset" that I did with the progesterone cream. So, who knows? The best news is...I have gone FOUR WHOLE WEEKS without a period or a feeling of one! WOO-HOO!! I feel like celebrating!! I have to say, it has been quite nice. I forgot what it felt like to have a "normal" cycle or, for that much, two normal weeks. To say the least, it has been nice. It's good news! Hopefully, very soon we will have even better news. But, if not, the weight loss and diet changes will continue until I am satisfied with myself (or become...well, you know what!).    :)

Shopping Bug

...it has bit me. As it often does around this time of year. I guess it is from going back to school shopping every year around this time. I don't know. I know Fall fashion really does call to me. Honestly, if I could shop and wear Fall ALL year, I totally would! The colors, style and, well...everything! just speaks to me! Plus, it doesn't hurt that I just rearranged my closet and found it SERIOUSLY lacking. But, alas, not making money makes me not want to spend money. Do you know what I mean? I just feel like it is selfish, or something. IDK.
I know I don't look like it but, shopping used to be a HUGE part of my life. So much so that I would go into shops and be bored because, after all, I was JUST there and there would be NOTHING new on the shelves. How totally spoiled is that? Now, I wouldn't even be able to tell you what was in. Seriously! It makes me blue. But, it is all material after all, right? (That wasn't a play-on-words, btw.)
I know there are more important things to be doing and spending money on. I have been trying to focus on this more and more. I try to let this be enough. But, now that I am taking care of myself (I have lost 20lbs!). I want to show it off!! LOL I want to feel sexy and I want to LOVE the way I look, like I used to. In fact, I would love to be pregnant again just so I could have new clothes to wear (the maternity clothes I have are pretty fabulous, thanks to the cumulative styles of my sisters and myself). But, that will come in time.
I think what would solve my issue is to get a really fabulous pattern (think simple dress) and make a few of them in different colors. Then when they are all done, I could embellish them in different ways. Maybe add bits of lace to one. Buttons placed in cute patterns or placed in working fashion somewhere in the design could also work. I could also embroider some pretty awesome things on them. Or make cute machine embroidery patterns throughout. As you can see, the possibilities are endless. AND, it would all be unique and time consuming, lol. Which is always a good thing. (<--Wow, look Martha just showed up!)

Future Baby Names - Girl

     I have been thinking -a lot- lately about baby names. I have decided that Evangeline will be the next name that we use - providing, of course, that we have a girl. I want the next baby to have a name that means something. That truly is beautiful. That shows how much that baby was/is wanted. Names, in my opinion, should mean something. (Kaine, by the way, is named after his paternal grandfather - Braxton Kaine Mallard - his grandfather was Robert Braxton Mallard).
     Evangeline means "good news; bearer of good news" (from this site). Also, "like an angel" (from this site) . This too, "coined from the Latin evangelium [meaning] good news (the gospel)" (from this site ). How about "messenger of good news" (from this site).  It is also a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, titled Evangeline and written in 1848.
   The feelings that the name evokes are exactly what I want. It truly would be "good news" to find out that I am pregnant. If the baby makes it the whole pregnancy she will be the "messenger of good  news" or the "bearer of good news". I can't seem to think of any better name than that!  
   I have been wondering if God was going to send me a name. I have heard many people pray about the names that they give their children and God answers. It has been on my mind, for a while, that Evangeline was a pretty name. Something - or Someone - prompted me to look up the meaning. As soon as I found out what it meant, it was like a light bulb flashed on. I am almost hoping we do have a girl at one point just so I can use it! (By the way, my companion name, if we are to ever have a twin, and a boy too (!), would be Eli. I am going to have to look that up and see what it means!)

The saga

I haven't really had anything interesting to say lately, except rants. I really don't want to make this blog an "angry" one. I do like to come here to complain about stuff, just to get it out and so I can move past it. However, I don't want it to be ALL about that.

However, there have been many things bothering me lately. I am just not sure I am ready to talk about them yet. Especially this one thing, involving a certain "couple" that really seems bizarre. I can't seem to wrap my head around it. In fact, I totally see myself avoiding the WHOLE thing. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable and I REALLY, REALLY don't know why. I am not one to ignore those feelings, I just don't know what to do about it. It shouldn't even be this big of a deal. I guess that is why I feel I can't figure it out. Ok, I guess I should just go ahead and tell you the story. Maybe writing it out will make it go away (or lessen the affects it is having on me!).

Matt's brother is getting married. No big deal, right? Why is it making my stomach turn at the mere mention on this happy occasion? He "proposed" to her after ONLY 5 weeks of knowing/dating her. (I say "proposed" because I have YET to be told of a proposal story or SEEN a ring!) Who does that? Yeah, yeah, I get the whole "we are in love and you JUST KNOW" crap. (I really don't think it is crap, because I "just knew" with Matt really early too, but come on!)

Anyway, the issue is this: he keeps dating THE SAME GIRL. I am not just talking about them having similarities, I am talking about it going like this:
Oh, she is nice.
Oh, she seems sweet.
Oh, she has sort of a past.
Oh, she may actually be skanky.
Oh, she is crazy.
Oh, she really, really, really, is crazy.

And the relationship goes like this:
I just got out of a bad relationship.
Oh, I am dating someone again (way too soon).
I REALLY love her!
She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!
Oh, we broke up because I didn't like her past.
Oh, we are back together again.
Oh, we broke up again because she has a drinking problem (insert problem where "drinking" is).
We really love each other.
Want to move in?
All is well and we "may be" getting married.
We are breaking up.
We are back together again (this is the point where everyone in the family just wishes they would work their shit out already and either move on or stay together).
We really are broken up and are NEVER getting back together again!
Repeat.

The bad thing is, this process is dragged out over years. YEARS! The first one was about 3 years. The next one was about 3-3 and a half years. They were pretty much back-to-back. I know it is his life but, it affects mine too! Especially now, since I have a child who still asks about "where the other one is".

I am really uncomfortable with this whole situation. I don't agree with it. I think he rushes way to fast and furious toward something that, plainly, just takes time! He wants it all and he wants it NOW! I don't want my son falling for someone else just to see them walk away (or be thrown out) of his life again. But, it really isn't about that either. I just think Matt's brother is displaying some serious self destructive behavior and, frankly, I am NOT okay with that!

Isn't it weird that it bothers me so much? I guess because I feel like pieces of the puzzle just DON'T make since. Why so sudden? Why her? Is this really something you should enter into so lightly (marriage I mean)? I don't know what to think!

New Situations

I started a new job, sort of. I am helping out a friend who needed some good childcare. I just told her to give me whatever she has laying around, for payment. I don't really want payment, it just sounded like she would feel better about paying me. I love having the kids around. They are a great way to have something to do, you know, when I would normally not be doing anything! Rowan is fabulous for Kaine and, I suspect, Kaine for Rowan. They are still working out the whole, "hey this is mine" thing but, you know, being two and three there will be some problems. lol. The baby, Liam, is a doll! He is, of course, good for me. (Even though, he seems to be good for Kaine too, getting used to babies and all! Some jealousy issues have shown up. Such as this: "Mommy, can you hold me? Just for a little bit?") So, it is good to have new little ones in the house.

One of the things that have been going through my mind lately, is this: "Man, I wish I had more kids!" "This is fun!" So, needless to say, I don't think the next "children" will be that far apart in age. I like having little ones to make my days busy and more full. I feel like I have a purpose and something to look forward to. Not to mention, that my "get up and clean the house!" gene has kicked into overdrive! YAY! I was seriously looking for something to inspire me to get my house organized and to KEEP IT CLEAN! I'm not so good at the cleaning, organizing and "oh, your hungry? guess I can make you some dinner!" lol (actually, I am not that bad at making dinner!). With the new additions, I am able to inspire myself to pick up, sweep and generally keep things in the "clean zone". It has been fabulous.

Things have also been falling into place financially. We are in a good place. We are able to pay our bills, buy groceries, buy gas, and keep a roof over our heads. The only thing we need to work on now is our savings. We aren't quite there yet. Although we aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore (Thank you God!), the savings haven't really started yet. The biggest reason for this is, we keep "finding" new things to do with our "extra" money. (We went to Disney last month! We have also been going on tons of trips lately. So much so, that I am/was ready for a break!) So, we will have to start figuring out the other part of being responsible, putting money away for a rainy day. I think we are ready!

Along these same lines, my financial aide from my confusing and crazy college days have been paid off. Thanks to our IRS return. The good news about this? (Other than the obvious!) Is that now, I am eligible for more aid. I know, sounds backward right? But, I can't finish my degree without aid. AND, now that I know, the hard way, what NOT to do, I am ready to take on college again! I just filled out the FAFSA and hope to hear some positive news by the end of this week. I am really and truly ready to go back. I am way more mature than I was just out of high school. I now see an actual purpose in having a degree. Also, I have truly figured out what, in life, I am good at. I know where I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I had NO idea before! That is why the running joke in my family was, "What are you majoring in this week?" Trust me, I had no clue. I really wanted to look into everything and, generally, I did. (I really don't know why I need to do EVERYTHING the hard way! Just stubborn, I guess.) So, I have started the journey back into college life. It scares me but, it is mostly exciting. I have a clearer view of what to expect and what is expected of me. I know, in reality, what I will have to do to succeed. I am ready!

Many good changes... :)

The way of life

I feel like I am trapped lately. I have no energy and God only knows how my moods will be. I have been trying to distance myself from people but, of course, that just makes the trapped feeling worse. I don't want to ruin any relationships but, I feel horrible! I have no idea how to make this better. AND the more I let things go, like cleaning the house because I have NO ENERGY the worse and worse and worse it gets. UGH! I hate this part. Can't I just sleep through it?

However, this is why I am thinking we are having a girl this time too. I didn't have moody mood swings when I was prego with Kaine. I felt like crying at sappy stupid stuff, like the Christmas commercial with the babies sleeping. But I didn't bite people's heads off just for walking across the room! Then, the guilt sets in, making me feel even more crappy. Because, what do you say to someone who just gets on your nerves for breathing?? I need a vacation, until I start to feel better. Or someone to just come over here and clean my house, organize it and tell me all is well! Wouldn't that be nice?

I think, ultimately, I am overwhelmed. I have no way of NOT feeling overwhelmed because, let's be honest, ever since we moved back I have been trying to get control of this place and I have NO help. It honestly seems like every time I get done cleaning one area two more areas are destroyed and I have to start all over again. This isn't really that much of a problem, you know, for the normal people out there. But for me, the super perfectionist (yes, I am, surprising I know) I have to get it all done and to high standards or NOTHING gets done. Do you see what I mean? I won't start something knowing that I will be interrupted (hello! I have a 3 year old!). I won't start something knowing I don't have a place for it. I won't start something knowing that I won't get finished. I won't start something knowing that it won't be done right the first time. So, things pile up. The more they pile up the more overwhelmed I feel. The more overwhelmed I feel the more things pile up. It's a vicious, vicious cycle!! Honestly, when it gets this bad, things start to go into the trash. I have made up my mind that I can't handle it therefore, I need to get rid of it. Not such a bad system really but, it is based on emotion and we all know how that turns out.

The love of Sisters

Like most of my posts, I am not sure where this one will end up. I am not even sure I have a starting point. I just need to talk. I am really starting to doubt the connections in my life. My people connections. I really don't feel like people are anywhere near the friendship level that I am. Maybe I come off a little to strong? I really do wish someone would open up to me and let me know how I make people feel. I am starting to think that people just don't "want to deal" with me. Not nice. I just want someone to open up to, you know, like someone with the same type of insight (woman stuff and the struggles that go with). I am seriously done with surface friendships. Maybe I should walk around with a sign around my neck that reads: "Serious, meaningful relationship people should only reply". All I need is just one good friend. Just one. That's not asking too much is it?

Honestly, I think that is why God gives you sisters. Although, I wouldn't say that I am SUPER close with either one of my sisters. Partly because of the physical distance between us. Partly because we have emotional issues and can't seem to come together in a more united way. Having said that, I miss them. I think they are the only ones that truly know "me". I don't even have to say anything, because you already know they are on the next page with you. I guess I just miss really having sisters. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to lean on, cry on and just plain have around, no questions asked.

Sorry, still not over the whole baby thing. Trying to come to terms with something that I have known about for a while but, somehow, didn't want to believe. I guess the doctors were right, having or even getting pregnant, for me, is going to be a long road. I just wish I had someone around that understood the pain. You just need someone to step up and fill the void without being shown the way.

Ruminating

Having Kaine home over this break has really opened my eyes to how much I am missing (as in learning and growth) and how much I miss him. I do feel ridiculous about it too. For goodness sake, it is only a total of six hours a week that he is even away! Plus, the time is nice to have to myself. (I am hoping it is going to be even better when we actually live in town and I can put my house together!) Mostly though, I have been thinking about how most people miss this time in their and their child's growth. They, usually, have another little one by this time and don't get to enjoy it. For that, I count myself blessed -and a little cursed. I love being able to be one-on-one with him still. At the same time, my heart aches because I long to have a baby to hold too (more specifically, for him to be a baby for me to hold still). But, I know they most grow up and out of our immediate lives. I hope I am able to give him this without too much hassle.

My thoughts as of late, have been very much around these concerns. I know my longing is due to want of a new little one. Therefore, it is making me cling to Kaine even more. Because I don' want to take it for granted if he is to be our last. I am trying to accept that this may be a possibility. I really do want to make it one of my goals to full-heartedly trust that what ever comes our way is what is suppose to be in our lives and is meant as a blessing. I really do have faith that if Kaine was to be our last, that, in the very least, we got it right the first time. He truly can't be improved upon, as far as natural temperament and ability goes. But how I would love to be able to give him someone else to love and play with! It's in God's hands and He knows my heart.

Rental Car Woes

Today didn't start to well. Actually the bad vibes carried over from last night. I got a call from Enterprise telling me that we were now paying for the rental car ($40/day) since the 16th. Did I mention in was 6:10 p.m. on Friday evening and that I live in the boonies. So, of course we get charged for another day because we won't be able to get it in until the next day. We were suppose to pay $160.63 for the charges. I went in and talked to them and they were very helpful. I was very emotional. She gave me a "free day", so to speak. So that took $40 off the top. I ended up paying $120.63 for the rental. She gave me pointers on how we may be able to get the money back, seeing as how we were not informed that there would be a time limit on the car (30 days). The good, or silver lining, to the situation is that Matt was able to get someone on the phone from Nationwide (our car insurance company) and they were able to inform us that, if we call back Monday, they will be able to get clearance to reverse the money exchange and that they are still liable for coverage because the car wasn't done on time. (This is no fault of the place fixing the car, the parts were on back order and they had to schedule work around Thanksgiving and have been nothing but helpful.) It was just unneeded stress at a time that I was already feeling crummy.

I am hoping this week is going to be better and that the Christmas spirit will once again be revived. Here's to hoping.

What's been going on?

I went and had a blood pregnancy test yesterday. I just told them to mail it to me. I am hoping that I get it before Thanksgiving. I was wanting to kind of make it "not such a big deal". Especially since I don't plan on telling people until, at least, Christmas. Not you guys, of course! You are my special people! I also don't want to be disappointed again. I honestly waited this long just to make sure my symptoms weren't in my head or weren't temporary or leading to some other conclusion. I would have "officially" missed my period this week. Whatever that means, seeing as how my system is anything but normal or official for that matter! So, hopefully I will have my official confirmation of pregnancy, that I will need for a birth certificate, in a few days.

In other news, one of my friends came to visit yesterday and we went to the ice cream shop in town. We all got ice cream. Then Kaine threw up all over the place. It was not awesome. And I am pretty sure the guy working in the ice cream shop is a "work release" individual. So, when I told him about the sickness he replied, "It's not my rug." (We were outside by the front door mat.) The guys is pretty nice really, until you ask him to do more than scoop ice cream. It's pretty annoying actually.

Kaine is really sick now. But really just some kind of stomach thing. He actually seems fine, other than the fact that he vomited 4-5 times last night (after a few hours of being completely fine, after the ice cream that is!) and had the worst diarrhea this morning (I am talking on his shirt and down his legs, I have never seen anything like it!!). So, now he is sitting on the couch with a double layer towel under him, eating crackers and sipping water. When I covered him with a blanket he said, "Oh, shoo-wee!" Like he was really comfortable now that he had a warm blanket, silly kid! It was really cute. I just hope it is nothing serious and that he is able to rest and keep down some fluids. Today is definitely going to be a movie day!