Fibroid Tumors - TMI

So, it may turn out that I have Uterine Fibroids that are causing all of this bleeding. This is why all of the supplementation that I was using (herbs) were not working. After much more reading and research and talking to my mother-in-law (who in turn called her sister, another RN) I think I am experiencing this problem.

The symptoms I have seem to add up. Excessive bleeding for an excessive amount of time. Bleeding in between periods. A feeling of pressure (or in my case, fullness in the abdomen or my uterus). Clots and some pain. All of which are symptoms. Not to mention feeling super tired because of the lose of blood. Also, what they call "soiling" of your clothes due to gushes of blood at unexpected times. For example, I was sound asleep last night and woke to a gross gushing feeling and discovered that I not only bled through a super tampon (because the Diva Cup just wasn't cutting it- Boo!) and onto the bed! Fun times! So at 4:30 this morning I was up "fixing" my problems. UGHH!! Talk about frustrating!

Anyway, I am planning on going to go and see someone about it. I just have to wait for the insurance stuff to be approved. I don't want to go before because, God forbid, they tell me it was a pre-existing condition and won't pay for anything.

The scary thing is, everything that I read about the treatment of such a condition is scary! They start by saying stuff like: not everyone will need a hysterectomy. Did you read that???!?! Are they serious!? Other things are a D&C (although I heard this from my MIL and her sister not from any research I have done. BTW, that is a scrapping of the uterus). Hormone therapy (as in reducing estrogen output. I don't know how this is done). Some sort of MRI ablation (laser that is pinpointed to the spot and kills the tumor cells. Super scary. This is suppose to be the most non-invasive procedure. You will only be in twilight and it is outpatient). They can do a 3 inch abdominal incision, under full anesthesia, to remove the fibroids (I am afraid of this because they will also have to cut into the uterus to remove the fibroids. With my history of C-section, I don't want this to up my chance of not being able to have the option of a midwife, out-of-hospital birth.Which would probably be likely). There are also myomectomy procedures to remove the fibroids (these include laproscopic and the 3-inch thing above falls in this category go here to read more about this type of procedure and see what else in involved, if you so care to).

Anyway, I am super scared of all the options. I am still wanting more children and I am afraid that any of these options will interfere with the outcomes of my future births (if I am even able to get pregnant. -This, however, I am ready for, I have been prepared for this since I started my period. It has never been normal. I was always told I would have problems and I would lose pregnancies.- I hope it is not as bad as all this).

I am just in the beginning stages and I hope I am wrong about what is going on. Wish me luck and Gods guidance. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason (like with Kaine, I enjoyed every part of it-  I thought it was going to be hard and it wasn't- therefore, I still felt like the pregnancy was a miracle because, as I was told, I was not suppose to be that easy). Anyway, that's all I have to say about that, for now. (Rhiannon- maybe this is why November is going to be a surprise??)

Menorrhagia

I am still having menstrual issues. It started a little over a month ago. Strike that, I just looked at my calendar and this has been going on since the end of April, no wonder I am fed up! This is the run down so far (for I am currently bleeding):
April 24-May 10 (17 days)
May 23-June 3 (12 days)
June 14-to now June 20 (7 days to whenever)

I bought some herbs for my condition. I have on hand Shepherd's Purse, Nettle, Raspberry leaf (which I use all the time for other things), Yarrow, Agrimony, and Lady's Mantle. All are good for one thing or another having to do with the female reproductive and general (female supporting) systems. Right now I am infusing Shepherd's Purse, Yarrow and Nettle hoping to make a tea that is going to stop or severely slow down the bleeding. I have tried other teas, but I did not get any help. In fact one seemed to make it worse but, that could just be all in my head because I was trying to stop menstruating when I was barely bleeding (warm tea always seems to stimulate my blood flow, for some reason). Anyway, I am going to go out tomorrow and buy some vodka so I can make a tincture of some of these herbs so it will be even more convenient to take and have on hand when and if this problem occurs again. I am hoping that I finally found a way to get this problem under control.

I am also considering holding off getting pregnant until I know how better to get my system back into balance. It can't be good to be this depleted and get pregnant. So, I don't know what is going to happen on that front. I would like to be pregnant but, can we really risk it? I will see how it goes with these concoctions and see what happens in the next month to be able to better judge my systems health.

Send me good vibes and prayers about kicking the caffeine. I think I have gotten to used to not worrying about it and this may be the biggest factor in this saga. I have been getting better but, I find myself giving into it every now and again (I know, isn't it so wrong to ask someone who has a baby that doesn't sleep through the night, is anemic on two levels - which increases the fatigue- to kick caffeine!?) It is really not that big of a deal, I just need to stop myself before I indulge! 

I hate Father's Day

I always have. It seems really stressful and I don't want to deal with it. It only makes sense, if you know me. I have not had great luck and consistency in this area of my life. Don't get me wrong, I would love to make it memorable for Matt but, even this falls short, most of the time.

Let me explain, Matt doesn't like celebrations that focus on him. He hates his birthday (who hates their birthday, seriously!?). Even though I don't believe it to be actually true. I am not sure what his family ever did for his birthday, so I can't duplicate something that he may be used to (and apparently, they were never that big of a deal? IDK). I feel like he expects something super fun and it never happens. Plus, he is really picky. REALLY PICKY. He is almost impossible to shop for, unless, of course,  you have been saving your nickles and dimes and can buy something he either won't buy for himself (because of cost) or that is supper expensive and big and then you don't even know if he will use it. Did I mention that I hate this holiday?

I end up buying something, usually, that I have to settle on. Because, hello, I don't have a job! No income means no cool gifts or outings. Or worse, in my opinion, something that is totally not for him but that he might like anyway. It is inspired by him, get it? Take this year for example. I bought a onesie style shirt for Kaine. That says, "It puts the lotion on the baby. It does this whenever it is told." There is a background story here. Matt always says this stupid quote from Silence of the Lambs when he puts lotion on Kaine after his bath. It actually annoys me; Matt thinks it's hilarious. (Do you know what I am talking about? The scene where that guy - who dresses like a woman - has that girl in the pit and he is lowering a bottle of lotion down to her? "It puts the lotion on the skin. It does this whenever it is told!") It brings back gross memories that should not be associated with babyhood, if you ask me! Anyway, I thought he would like it and think it is funny. Plus, I was told not to "not spend too much money". However, do you see what I mean? I am afraid he is going to be disappointed, after all, it is a holiday to show appreciation for all he has done. How am I showing that? All I have figured out how to do is show that he has a sense of humor and has a tendency to annoy me! What is that about?

Ah, dilemmas...

The fighter is dying

I want to check out. Do you know what I mean? I don't even know what triggers these feelings in me. I just want days to lay in bed and sleep the hours away. Do nothing. It is quite tragic. I used to have days like that. I would get up because I was starving (literally, because I could go a solid 48 hours without anything). Go in and out of a comatose state. Not bathe and not eat and just get up to pee and fall back into bed. Isn't that such a desirable trait to have? I have it. Don't you want to be me?

The worse part about it, I know it is happening, I can't do anything about it. I want this thing that takes over my body to go away. What is it? Depression? Sever mood swing issues? Low blood sugar??? Just go away monster, stop haunting me. You are not welcome here. I have everything that I could want, why do you keep rearing your ugly, unclean head?

It will usually sort itself out. Sometimes it takes a while. I just wish I knew what caused it in the first place. I think it has to do with issues I don't want to deal with. What could it have been this time? It is probably my confusion about this whole body issue I am having. I feel alone. That is it! The feeling of loneliness....that has to be the trigger. It only makes sense. Thinking back, just now, that is the trigger that sent me into my comatose depression of sorts. I want change and things aren't happening. I feel lost and alone in this world. Too many people have other things on their plates and don't want to take the time to rescue me. I am the needy person that I don't even like. How is that for self analysis?

I write this to get it out of my head. It only makes the sickness worse, if it stays. Medication may be an option, I just know I am not me on it. Plus, can't have babies if you are on those type of meds. I feel like I am living a sugar coated lie. I know people like me more when I am on it. I can just hear myself from the inside screaming that they are buying into a great big lie. It makes me die inside because I know they prefer the drugs to the harsh reality that is me.

I think I also know what it is. It is hard for me to admit. I am not good with affection. I can give it to Kaine, and quite freely. I don't feel judged by him. I can give it to this blog, maybe the only place where I am truly myself. Matt, however, is another story. We started out all wrong. So many rules. No PDA. Baptist school with there six inch rule (although we didn't start dating until I left, we still met there, it carries over). I have so many rules and so many things to sort out about what is wrong and what is right about love and intimacy. I can't give of myself like I used to. I am not free. I oppressed in a Biblical world that I want so badly to fit into. I want to be that wife that is able to keep the house clean, the laundry done, the kids clean and have a pretty face and perfect hair. It is too much to live up to. Have you seen me? You would be lucky to even get me to brush my hair! Let alone have a clean house! Are you kidding? It is not like it can't be done, it can. I am lazy and I ride myself for it. I have different priorities (or, at least, that is what I tell myself). Kaine is alive and fed, haven't I met my quota for the day? Honestly, I feel like Matt wants something more. I feel like I have lead him on and what he married is definitely NOT what he got. (Not that I was ever that perfect Stepford or anything). I was always a bit hippy and totally independent. Maybe that has changed now. Maybe he can't handle that I like to depend on him. Maybe it is his problem and not mine at all?

What do I do. I can't be that Biblical wife....I am not cut from that cloth. I have to have my own thoughts, space, freedom and way. Sometimes I feel like there just isn't enough room for him in this picture. I feel like he needs someone to take care of him all the time. Someone who is just going to be this surface person with no soul and no intellect. I get that he is from a house where he NEVER had to ask for anything. It was all given to him. He just had to hint or slightly look at something and it was his. He always had someone to clean up after him and make his life sparkle. I never had that. No one ever gave me what I wanted or needed, for that matter. I didn't have a maid and a mom who was a nurse and, therefore, was anal and controlling. Not that there wasn't a controlling presence in my house, believe me, there was. The only thing I know to do is to retreat within myself. I learned early on that there isn't anyone out there that is going to truly give a damn about my life, my feelings and who I truly am. I didn't used to care, or so I thought, maybe I always did. Maybe that is the problem. I found someone who loves me and wants to be with me and all I can do is push him away. I told him once, when we were getting serious that if he ever wanted this to happen then he was going to have to make it happen, I was just going to push him away. I needed him to prove to me that I was worth the fight (of course, I didn't know it at the time). Maybe I still do. I need him to fight for me, but I am afraid that fighter may have taken to much of  a beating and may not be able to get up anymore.

False Alarm & House Plans

No pregnancy. As of this morning, Flow has arrived. It is a good thing. I am not going to dwell on it. It was not our time and it is not the end of the world. It will happen when it is suppose to. I believe it. The timing will be perfect and not anything we can control.

In other news, we are building a nest egg. We are finally out of debt (or very close to it!). Money is going in the pig so we may be able to buy a house in the next few months. I just have to remember not to keep dipping into the extra, because it is there. I really need to focus my energy on getting out of here and being settled. At least for a few years while I go back to school and Matt puts more roots down in his job. Things are looking up. We are on the rise and there is no where else to go but up. I hope it stays like this and something big doesn't come out and bite us in the butt. Please, Lord, stay the wolves until we find higher ground!

My Boobs Hurt & Sewing stuff

I am hoping that a pregnancy test is going to turn positive soon. We have just started to try and I thought I was ovulating. My boobs hurt and are swollen. I am cramping (lightly) and spotting off and on (super light and I wouldn't even notice if I didn't think I was gestating). We will see how it goes. Hopefully, it won't be like with Kaine (after 10 tests-ALL NEGATIVE) I finally got a positive and got it confirmed at 10 weeks with an ultrasound. Here's to crossing my fingers! Either way, if I don't get my period in two weeks, I am going to test. If it comes out positive, I will schedule an appointment. If it comes out negative, I will schedule an appointment for a blood test to make sure that I am actually not. I am NOT going to wait 10 weeks again! So stupid!

In other news, Lilly's birthday is coming up. She is having a princess party. I am going to go to Allana's the night before and help make the castle cake. We are going to get up bright and early and decorate and have lots of fun! I can't believe she is turning four! FOUR! What in the world! Then again, I can't even believe Kaine is 2 and I have been with him the whole time! I am going to be making her a Dora summer shirt with sparkly, girlie straps! I have to find some sort of pant or something to go under it. I guess it could be like a short-ish dress with some pink tights or those things the kids are wearing these days (what are they called?). Either way, I am sure it is going to be a hit!

I also have to finish Landon's curtains! They were suppose to be done in September! I get a little behind on things in those months, due to the overdrive of wanting to make things for the holidays. Especially starting at Halloween - the juices are already flowing for that! (What should Kaine be this year!?).


Anyway...that is what is going on!

Decorating Kaine's Room - Finally!

I have decided to decorate Kaine's room. I have been putting it off, because we are renters and don't have space of our own. Since he has turned two, I have gotten the itch! This is what I am thinking:

Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn

I have been looking every where (online anyway) for things that will bring the theme out. When I think of Huck Finn and old Tom I think of dirty overalls, white wash, rickety rafts, the smell of grass, dirty feet, sling shots, stick and line poles, and general dirty summer like boys smells and sights. Doesn't that sound delightful?

The only problem is that it is REALLY hard to find things that go with this theme! I thought, "Oh, everyone knows this book, surely there will be plenty of things out there that I can collect to get it together!" No such luck. Etsy has, by far, been the best place to look. But, you have to actually LOOK for things. You have to be creative in the ways you search for things. I think at one point I even typed in "dirty feet" in the search box, just to see what would come up! (Nothing, by the way!) I was lucky enough to find two Jim Daly prints, in rustic wood frames, of two famous scenes from The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. I also found a cologne bottle (I had her empty it because she can't send it through the mail like that anyway) that is from one of Avon's old collections. It is a boy with a stick and line fishing pole and a straw hat, I am not sure how big it is but, I thought it would be super cute.

When Kaine was first born I bought some jean curtains on the discount rack at Walmart that have hoops (the things they hang from, or that go around the rod) that are like overall snaps. They even have the metal button and hook. They are pretty plain but the effect will be awesome with this theme. I practically forgot I had them until I started to write this. I didn't hang them at the Lake because there were already pre-existing window coverings. However, I may have to figure out a way to use them. They are too perfect and cute not to.

I am on the lookout for something that resembles a white picket fence or something that is rustic style with a  white washed look to put in his room. I even want to come up with a way to use old (made in a pinch) fishing poles for something. I have not come up with a creative way to incorporate it yet. If I was really crafty and creative, I would make his bed look like a make-shift raft. That will have to come later though.

Pregnancy

We are thinking about getting pregnant. We want a few more, haha. There are factors that need to be put in place before this can happen, however. I think most of those things are coming into play.

What is different about it this time? We BOTH have baby fever. It started with me, like it did last time. I was seriously over-the-top last time. Begging, I believe, would be the best word! Not that Matt didn't want to have a baby, he is just a worry wort and didn't know if we were ready or had enough funds. This time, I started to talk about it but, made myself  not talk about it all the time or put unnecessary stress on Matt about it. I didn't want it to feel like it was an obligation or that he was doing something that I wanted to do, that he didn't. I feel like he wasn't really into the last pregnancy because of how I made it begin (all stressed out and begging and such!). He probably was, I just felt like I talked him into it and felt guilty about that. This time, I think I am the one that has the hesitation. I wanted everything to be perfect (haha! that should have been my first clue). He is all gung-ho and I am like "Are you sure?". I do want a baby, badly, I just didn't want to be looking over my shoulder and thinking, "what if I would have done this?". But, I am getting over that too. The more I talk to Matt the better I feel about it. He really is a much different man at this stage. I asked him what made him change his mind and he said, "I have just been thinking about it lately". He said the fun he has with Kaine around has really made him rethink waiting and just wanting two. What a compliment for Kaine! That is one of the things that I have said, "Isn't it such a compliment to your oldest baby to have more kids? It is saying he was good and a blessing, why not have some more!" I truly believe this, I feel bad for those of you who don't have siblings, you really are missing out on a lot.

Anyway, pregnancy plans are in the work. I will keep posting when I find things out. We are planning on having a midwife-assisted, VBAC, home birth. What a mouthful! Not having a baby shower but a Blessingway (possibly a baby shower, just for cloth diapers, I will have to get with my sisters, when the time comes, to see what they think, that is the only things we are going to need this go round). As little intervention as possible through prenatal care (no ultrasounds, I don't want to know the sex--like it SO helped last time! LOL no unnecessary poking and prodding). A lot more bonding time for us. Exercise and nutrition are going to be the biggest and KEY to this pregnancy coming out the way we want. More to come!