I want to check out. Do you know what I mean? I don't even know what triggers these feelings in me. I just want days to lay in bed and sleep the hours away. Do nothing. It is quite tragic. I used to have days like that. I would get up because I was starving (literally, because I could go a solid 48 hours without anything). Go in and out of a comatose state. Not bathe and not eat and just get up to pee and fall back into bed. Isn't that such a desirable trait to have? I have it. Don't you want to be me?
The worse part about it, I know it is happening, I can't do anything about it. I want this thing that takes over my body to go away. What is it? Depression? Sever mood swing issues? Low blood sugar??? Just go away monster, stop haunting me. You are not welcome here. I have everything that I could want, why do you keep rearing your ugly, unclean head?
It will usually sort itself out. Sometimes it takes a while. I just wish I knew what caused it in the first place. I think it has to do with issues I don't want to deal with. What could it have been this time? It is probably my confusion about this whole body issue I am having. I feel alone. That is it! The feeling of loneliness....that has to be the trigger. It only makes sense. Thinking back, just now, that is the trigger that sent me into my comatose depression of sorts. I want change and things aren't happening. I feel lost and alone in this world. Too many people have other things on their plates and don't want to take the time to rescue me. I am the needy person that I don't even like. How is that for self analysis?
I write this to get it out of my head. It only makes the sickness worse, if it stays. Medication may be an option, I just know I am not me on it. Plus, can't have babies if you are on those type of meds. I feel like I am living a sugar coated lie. I know people like me more when I am on it. I can just hear myself from the inside screaming that they are buying into a great big lie. It makes me die inside because I know they prefer the drugs to the harsh reality that is me.
I think I also know what it is. It is hard for me to admit. I am not good with affection. I can give it to Kaine, and quite freely. I don't feel judged by him. I can give it to this blog, maybe the only place where I am truly myself. Matt, however, is another story. We started out all wrong. So many rules. No PDA. Baptist school with there six inch rule (although we didn't start dating until I left, we still met there, it carries over). I have so many rules and so many things to sort out about what is wrong and what is right about love and intimacy. I can't give of myself like I used to. I am not free. I oppressed in a Biblical world that I want so badly to fit into. I want to be that wife that is able to keep the house clean, the laundry done, the kids clean and have a pretty face and perfect hair. It is too much to live up to. Have you seen me? You would be lucky to even get me to brush my hair! Let alone have a clean house! Are you kidding? It is not like it can't be done, it can. I am lazy and I ride myself for it. I have different priorities (or, at least, that is what I tell myself). Kaine is alive and fed, haven't I met my quota for the day? Honestly, I feel like Matt wants something more. I feel like I have lead him on and what he married is definitely NOT what he got. (Not that I was ever that perfect Stepford or anything). I was always a bit hippy and totally independent. Maybe that has changed now. Maybe he can't handle that I like to depend on him. Maybe it is his problem and not mine at all?
What do I do. I can't be that Biblical wife....I am not cut from that cloth. I have to have my own thoughts, space, freedom and way. Sometimes I feel like there just isn't enough room for him in this picture. I feel like he needs someone to take care of him all the time. Someone who is just going to be this surface person with no soul and no intellect. I get that he is from a house where he NEVER had to ask for anything. It was all given to him. He just had to hint or slightly look at something and it was his. He always had someone to clean up after him and make his life sparkle. I never had that. No one ever gave me what I wanted or needed, for that matter. I didn't have a maid and a mom who was a nurse and, therefore, was anal and controlling. Not that there wasn't a controlling presence in my house, believe me, there was. The only thing I know to do is to retreat within myself. I learned early on that there isn't anyone out there that is going to truly give a damn about my life, my feelings and who I truly am. I didn't used to care, or so I thought, maybe I always did. Maybe that is the problem. I found someone who loves me and wants to be with me and all I can do is push him away. I told him once, when we were getting serious that if he ever wanted this to happen then he was going to have to make it happen, I was just going to push him away. I needed him to prove to me that I was worth the fight (of course, I didn't know it at the time). Maybe I still do. I need him to fight for me, but I am afraid that fighter may have taken to much of a beating and may not be able to get up anymore.
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