Looking for a job

I am looking for a job. I would like something that has benefits and pays well. It can be part or full time. I have applied for 2 merchandising jobs, one for 7-up / Snapple Corporation and the other for Kellog's Corporation. Hopefully I will be able to hear something back from these places soon. One is a part time position from 10-2 in the day the other in an evening/night/weekend position. But we need money and I am willing to make it work. Plus either one of these times would work out with our schedules. Although, I may have to hire someone to watch Kaine during the daytime one. Not sure yet. Plus, one is in Gainesville (a plus) the other didn't say where it was, it looked like they were just trying to hire people. Maybe I have a shot? Hopefully I do. Well, just wanted to give you an update on what we have been up to!

How to Survive Thanksgiving Dinner with Your In-laws | eHow.com

I thought this was really funny and quite helpful. I think I will opt for laryngitis: How to Survive Thanksgiving Dinner with Your In-laws | eHow.com

Thanksgiving

Link to the picture above: http://positiverealestateprofessionals.com/ara/files/2009/11/wild_turkeyTOM.jpg via: "The Arkansas Realtor"

I have mixed feelings about this holiday. I love all of the food. I love to be with family (most of them, anyway). I hate having to choose between which family I spend it with, however. The plan, as it has worked out, this year is:

Cook our own Thanksgiving, for the day
Go to Matt's parent's house in the evening

This means that my family does not get any attention this year. For this, I am bothered. I love spending time with my family, all of the traditions and such. I hate having to choose who to spend the day with! 

Why have we come to such a compromise this year? Well, that is the question to ask! This year my grandmother is hosting Thanksgiving at her house. She lives in Fernandina, FL. The last time that I drove out there for the day, it took me 3 hours to get there. One way! This is how it would be if we went:

Get up at 7 am
Get in car by 8am
Drive 3 hours to arrive at 11am
Eat Thanksgiving lunch with my family

Leave at 1pm
Drive 4 hours to get to Ocala
Arrive at 5pm
Eat Thanksgiving dinner with Matt's family
Go home exhausted


This is not feasible! We would have to be in the car for a total of almost 8 hours of this day (we would have a 40 minute drive back home from Ocala). I could drive to Atlanta for the day! So this is the new plan:


Stay home
Get up whenever we want (the baby and Matt anyway!)
Cook some Thanksgiving food
Give Kaine a nap
Go to Matt's parents house when Kaine wakes up
40 minute drive
Eat and hang out
40 minute drive back
Not being exhausted from the day


This is a total of 80 minutes or 1 hour and 20 minutes of driving. This, as you can clearly see, is WAY better! 


But I did say I was having mixed feeling, didn't I? Well, part of me feels bad for having to choose and the other part of me is saying, "This could be good!". I may be able to set my own traditions and spend time with my little family and be truly thankful for what I have. So, I have decided to focus on this last part. We are not doing something all that extravagant for our meal. This is what we will be having:


Citrus-Stuffed Herb roasted Turkey
Roasted Brussels sprouts, asparagus, and broccoli with Toasted Hazelnuts
Holiday Waldorf Salad
Cranberry Orange Relish
Sweet potato Pie


Not the typical, but better for you! This is all from the cook book: "The Healthiest Meals on Earth" by Jonny Bowden, Ph.D, C.N.S.


Either way, should be good and looking forward to it!!
Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving, don't forget to think on what you are truly thankful for!!

Pictures and Hauntings

I would seriously like to be taking and posting pictures agian! I miss it. Why am I not, you ask? My camera has decided to crap-out on me. I have no idea what is wrong with it. I did leave it in the car during a heat wave, though. Could this be the problem? I am assured it is not. This does remind me of the times that I kept telling Matt that the car CD player in my trunk needed to go into the car before "heat damage" set in. Not realizing what I had said and being answered with laughter. Matt would then explain, "If it is already in your trunk and it is hot outside, then why would it matter if it is installed or not?". Then I would realize what just happened. This is a classic Loren move. But seriously, what is wrong with my camera?
Lately I feel as if I am missing something. I can't put my finger on it. I feel as if there might be some unresolved issue inside of me. But every time that I get close to what it might be, it runs away again. I do believe that it has something to do with Kaine's birth and how breastfeeding went with him. How I am longing to experience it all over again. Longing being the exact right word! I feel as if I want to correct my mistakes yet, am terrified (again, the exact right word) that my mistakes will happen again, continuing to haunt me. Maybe that is exactly it, I am being haunted by a failed experience. One that I felt was rightfully mine to have. Talking about it helps and even though I do not believe anyone reads this, hopefully God sees it and knows my heart.

Camping and Mother-in-Laws

The camping adventure was a success! It was much needed for Matt and I. We spend so little time together as a couple that we are going to have to do this more often. It is good that we both enjoy camping so much, after all it is technically how we met. The only annoying this was that the people we were with decided to bring a giant TV with them. They said it was for the Gator game, but ended up watching it the WHOLE time! Really annoying. Matt and I on Saturday night went over to our camp spot, just next to theirs and started a fire and laid on one of our sleeping bags and talked and played cards. It was so nice to just sit and be together, without distractions. We didn't have to worry about anything and didn't have to be anywhere. SO NICE! If you don't like camping you should try to go to a hotel and not use any of the electronic devices and just spend time with each other, guaranteed to improve your relationship!!!
On the down side, my mother-in-law hired a cleaning lady to clean my house (which is the silver lining in this story!). Then she stayed to watch Kaine here while we were gone and proceeded to rearrange my house! SERIOSLY!!! I was like, "what are you thinking!?". I could not find a darn thing when I got home and am really quiet annoyed with this whole thing. I would not go over to someones house and rearrange their cabinets and put things where I think they should go!!! (I must say too, logically, she has NO idea how to rearrange or even arrange a kitchen anyway, so why in the world she tried to "fix" mine, I will never know!) This may sound harsh, but seriosly, who puts coffee cups in with plates when you have a cabinet full of coffee cups (over the coffee pot, I might add) that is just for this specific use!? UGH ! >(

Cleaning and Camping agian!

OK, seriously, have you ever cleaned your house because a cleaning lady was coming to help you? This sounds rediculous to me, yet that is exactly what I did today! Plus, it doesn't help that my in-laws will be taking care of Kaine in my house this weekend while Matt and I go camping. So, clean, clean, clean....that is what I did today!

We are going camping at Goldhead State Park, which is nice. I have been there with Kaine and Jordan over the summer. If any of you remember the twisting ankle post, this is where it happened. Hopefully, that won't be this case this trip. I also hope that my cold does not rear it's ugly head again, I should probably wait to go camping until it is completely clear, but they have already paid for the spot. What is a girl to do? I am hoping that it will be a nice getaway for Matt and I, one with very little distraction! Either way, it should be an adventure!

Bottles and Improvement

I have replaced the bottles with a sippy cup. I thought I was going to be able to get rid of all of the night feedings by taking the bottle away but, that has not happened. I have been giving him milk in a cup at bedtime and then last night, probably because I wasn't feeling really well, I gave in and gave him some more in a cup. He only took enough for a few swallows but, it sent him to sleep. I was afraid that if I didn't give him anything, we would both be up at 4:30! He was in there talking to himself and acting like he wanted to play! So, tonight I will hopefully be able to get on without any use of a cup.

Matt and I are finally communicating again. I finally had enough and after talking to one of my girlfriends about the situation I was given a lot of good advice. I think I needed to talk it over with an outside party before we would have been able to solve our problems. It has only been a day or so and I know the begining always improves things, hopefully it will last. I have faith that we are on the mend and will be back to (or better than) our old selves.

The positive thoughts are working, keep sending them to me!! :)

Losing the Bottle

Last night was the first night of NO bottle. It actually didn't go that bad. In fact, if I knew it would have been as easy as it was, I would have done this a LONG time ago. Kaine doesn't really take well to change. I guess because he is so used to drinking out of a cup all day anyway, he made the adjustment. He took milk in a sippy cup at bedtime (to big of a chicken to go completely cold turkey). Then he woke around 3am and I just decided (because we have tried to comfort him--this makes him REALLY angry!) to just let him put himself back to sleep. Since he wasn't crying and just doing the little noise, grunting thing, I just let him go about it. It took him about 2 hours to go completely back to sleep. I knew he was fine and just fighting it. I kept an ear out and made sure there was nothing major going on. Every once in a while he would yell out and then grunt his way back to sleep. All-in-all it went pretty well. I was exhausted this morning, but I think most of that was emotional and I was REALLY not feeling well, I had to keep getting up to spray my throat with Vick's numbing spray! I am hoping for a better night for both of us. Keep sending me positive thoughts!

Getting rid of the bottle

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I have decided it is time to get rid of the bottles. Not that I have any problem with them, we love them. The problem is that my 17 month old son still wakes up to 3 times a night wanting one. This is NOT GOOD. I would love to get 8 hours of sleep 7 days a week. So, I have tried to dilute the bottles with water, which works for the first few times. Then he throws a fit until we give in because we have no other idea what to do. We have tried to reduce the amount that is in the bottle gradually down to nothing. Guess what? Not happening. So, I have finally decided to just jump all in. Hoping that if it is not introduced at all, then he won't remember that he is missing it. I did this one day on a hunch for naps (just decided to see if he would go down without it) he never even noticed and has not gotten a bottle for nap since. He is already use to this so I will not be doing naps and bedtime at the same time (which I think is a good thing). This is also how we got him to sleep in his crib, gradually doing it for naps, he got used to it then started to do it for bedtime. Now goes down wide awake with no problem (besides the bottle, obviously!). 

This is going to be such a hard week. Not sure what to do yet for the middle of the night screaming fits that are going to come. Everyone says, get the attached to a comfort item. I'm like, "like the blanket he won't go to sleep without, way ahead of you!". Like everything else, we will have to figure out what works for Kaine. I think he has broken the mold for baby raising. What seems to work for most, does not work for Kaine. Most of the time I have to combine many different methods to get it to work. This is as hard as it sounds. Lots of trial by error. But I have faith that this too shall pass and nothing worth having is done easily. I am willing to put in the work for the good of all. Send me positive thoughts and pray that Kaine will take to this easily without much trauma!

Camping Bust

Wish our trip was as cozy as this one! FROM: http://www.iain.co.uk/gif/CAMPERS.GIF "Peak Activities, Ltd."

Nov. 6, 2009. This was our Boy Scout Campout day. So, what happened you ask? We got out there, set up a tent in the dark. Cooked dinner in the dark. That is, after someone let us borrow their stove because are stove was arcaic and did not take the fuel that I bought. Ate our dinner and then watched kids run around and play. Now here comes the fun part. We went to bed or, at least, tried to. Matt had Kaine in the car for 2 hours trying to get him to go to sleep. Trying everything. They finally called lights out (I was reading to Jordan in our tent, trying to get him to sleep). I went to get Matt, thinking that Kaine would sleep if we were all in the tent and it was quiet outside. WELL, we were all in the tent, at least. Here is the problem:

• The tent next to us had a lantern in the tree that they would not turn off. TOO MUCH LIGHT.
• 4 or 5 guys (much older, therefore, should know better) decided to stay up and talk beside the fire. TALKED AS IF EVERYONE WAS STILL AWAKE. Therefore, every time Kaine would start to look as if he MIGHT fall asleep, he was awakened with loud talk or laughter.
• Matt had to pee and would not sit still
• Jordan could not get comfortable and his sleeping bag kept rustling around (not his fault, of course!)
• It was cold (but this wasn't a factor until later, he had layers on and 4 blankets
• Kaine picked up a cold in the middle of the night and could not breathe (biggest factor!)

SO, what happened next? Kaine did finally pass out, yes, I do mean pass out! He was talking one second and then he was dead asleep. The guys finally decided to call it a night and the lantern next door was actually turned off. Matt got up to pee and sleep in the car because his back was bothering him. Jordan fell asleep quickly and only woke once to throw the cover over his head (he will make a fine camper!!). It did continue to get colder. I fell asleep for an hour, at least. Kaine was really restless in his sleep so it kept me awake becasue I wanted to make sure that he was covered. This is how this went down:

1. Kaine would move
2. I would wake
3. Cover Kaine up
4. Try to fall back asleep
5. Kaine would lose binky and fuss
6. I would find it and he would sleep
7. Repeat steps 5 and 6
8. Would move Kaine to get him more comfortable
9. Tried to put a hat on him
10. Kaine woke up because his nose was too stuffed and he couldn't breathe with a binky
11. Kaine finally gave up on sleeping
12. I was not sleeping
13. Motherly instinct kicked in
14. Got Kaine
15. Opened Tent
16. Went to car by moonlight
17. Woke Matt
18. Matt wrote directions home
19. Matt woke Den Leader for gate code
20. Matt took food from car
21. We left
22. Matt went to the tent with Jodan
23. We drove home at 1:30 am
24. Got home at 3 am
25. Laid Kaine down
26. Put dog in workshop
27. Turned heater on for him
28. Stepped on rusty nail
29. Gave Kaine a bottle
30. Went to bed!
31. Woke at 10 am, hoping Jordan was not traumatized! 

So, I thought it would be fun to take a 17 month old on a camping trip. It was, until everything fell apart at night. More planning needs to happen I think. More comfortable bed, space heater for camping (do they sell those?), White noise and an extra tarp to cover the tent in the event that someone nameless keeps a lantern on when babies are trying to sleep!

Other than that the camping was fun. Dinner that we made was great! We had fun running around. Amazingly, even after all of this, I have not given up. I just have to find what works! Crazy, I think that is in the eye of the beholder!

Lonely Rantings

Life is getting hard again. I have no job, I am alone almost 14 hours a day (by alone I mean no adult interaction). I want to do things that I have no money for. I am generally unsatisfied. Freedom for me has become taking a 10 minute shower on Saturday when Matt is with Kaine. I LOVE Kaine, that should be evident. But, I have lost me. Not the "mom" me. She is alive and well. The individual me. The one who broods and likes to be alone and likes to read for hours, days on end. I don't know how to mesh all of the "me's" together. The Mother, the Wife, the Girl, the Woman, the Thinker, the Kid....How do we live together in this cramped, small mind?

During all of this, I think I am losing Matt. I can't find me, therefore there is no we. I am not the girl he met and I can't seem to find her. I have no more spark to give. He has no more time to give. What do we do? We can not keep going this way. We are two people who live seperate lives that meet for a few hours at the end of each day. Do we want different things? Are we growing in seperate ways?

We can not seem to hold a conversation without arguing about something. Honestly, I just want to ignore him sometimes. Pretend he is not here. Pretend I live like a single mom and am able to make my own choices. I do, for the most part anyway, make all of the choices. Maybe this is the problem. When he is around I feel like he is stepping on my territory. I am the one doing the day-in day-out duties. He seems to come in and criticize (or so I imagine) what my day has produced. If everything is in order: dishes done; floor clean; diner served; baby washed, diapered and sleeping, check, check, check! All is well. If everything is off, then so are we. Nevermind that I may have had a terrible day. Nothing seemed to have worked out. Kaine was clingy and things just plain didn't get done. He comes in and cleans in a huff, no doubt telling me (by not telling me) that it is my job and "what have you done all day anyway?!".

I feel torn. Freedom and self expression pulling me one way. Domestic life and the need for people who know, truely know you the other way. What does one do when the one you turn to is the one you can't turn to? Is this the begining of something I do not even have the courage to type? Will we ever find our way back to each other in time?

Camping & Christmas Crafts

Hello bloggers!
We are going to Oleno State Park this weekend. We are going with the Boy Scouts. I have been doing research all week about what to bring and what types of food to bring to make. We are going to be taking Kaine. So, we will see how it goes. I think it will be an adventure, to say the least. I will be posting about the adventure when it is over.

Finding a Voice

Finding a Voice in the darkness is scary. Trying to find your own footing alongside of those you love. How do you have your own person without detaching from the ones that got you to this place? Or the ones that are still here helping you to climb your rock wall? Do you move on and leaves people behind or just find another position for you and them to play at?

Craftiness

IMAGE FROM: http://www.ocregister.com/giftguide/children/images/craft_kit.jpg

Everyone will think I am crazy, until they know what I am about. I have already started to prepare for Christmas. I know. I know! But I am making crafts for Christmas. I have always loved the personal touch. The only thing about that is YOU MUST PREPARE. Handmade = Time. But I do think it is fun and people appreciate it. Or, at least, I hope they do. 

I think it is a shame that no-one either has the time or takes the time to put the personal touches into their gifts. Anyone can go and buy something at a store. I am sure it will be loved (and for little ones, I have to add, this is still the way to go). I just feel, for people who know better [;)], that personal stuff shows that you love them. You were not just thinking about them for 1 day or maybe two, you were thinking about them for weeks at a time. Wishing and hoping and putting your love into an object for them to admire and love themselves. In a way, you are giving a piece of yourself to your family and friends to hang on their walls, put in a book, cover up with, what ever it may be! AND, if you have the ability, WHY NOT? 

So, here my journey starts. Hopefully things will come out as beautiful as I want them to. Love to everyone!