Lonely Rantings

Life is getting hard again. I have no job, I am alone almost 14 hours a day (by alone I mean no adult interaction). I want to do things that I have no money for. I am generally unsatisfied. Freedom for me has become taking a 10 minute shower on Saturday when Matt is with Kaine. I LOVE Kaine, that should be evident. But, I have lost me. Not the "mom" me. She is alive and well. The individual me. The one who broods and likes to be alone and likes to read for hours, days on end. I don't know how to mesh all of the "me's" together. The Mother, the Wife, the Girl, the Woman, the Thinker, the Kid....How do we live together in this cramped, small mind?

During all of this, I think I am losing Matt. I can't find me, therefore there is no we. I am not the girl he met and I can't seem to find her. I have no more spark to give. He has no more time to give. What do we do? We can not keep going this way. We are two people who live seperate lives that meet for a few hours at the end of each day. Do we want different things? Are we growing in seperate ways?

We can not seem to hold a conversation without arguing about something. Honestly, I just want to ignore him sometimes. Pretend he is not here. Pretend I live like a single mom and am able to make my own choices. I do, for the most part anyway, make all of the choices. Maybe this is the problem. When he is around I feel like he is stepping on my territory. I am the one doing the day-in day-out duties. He seems to come in and criticize (or so I imagine) what my day has produced. If everything is in order: dishes done; floor clean; diner served; baby washed, diapered and sleeping, check, check, check! All is well. If everything is off, then so are we. Nevermind that I may have had a terrible day. Nothing seemed to have worked out. Kaine was clingy and things just plain didn't get done. He comes in and cleans in a huff, no doubt telling me (by not telling me) that it is my job and "what have you done all day anyway?!".

I feel torn. Freedom and self expression pulling me one way. Domestic life and the need for people who know, truely know you the other way. What does one do when the one you turn to is the one you can't turn to? Is this the begining of something I do not even have the courage to type? Will we ever find our way back to each other in time?