Updates:

Not pregnant.
Making an Advent Calendar.
Not approved for a house loan by one point.
Looking for a rental house in Gainesville to earn our one point.
Going to be taking it easy on the pregnancy front and just see how it goes.
Not looking for anything on the pregnancy front until January.
Tried to potty train Kaine - didn't work.
Two week Christmas break is coming up, we are going to try the potty again.

Can I become Rip Van Winkle?

I am really starting to get bummed out about the whole baby thing. Honestly, I am not even sure I want to keep trying. Part of me feels selfish for even wanting another baby. I feel like so many people want kids and NEVER get any and I already have one so, why in the world am I trying to be so selfish. I should be thankful for the one I have (and am) and not try to get more than I deserve (so to speak). Needless to say, after all of these HUGE pregnancy symptoms, I am spotting/bleeding. I really did feel pregnant and I am not so sure that what is happening isn't a miscarriage. Of course, there is no way to know now. SO....blah.

On top of this, my birthday is Thursday, which is also Thanksgiving. I am really not looking forward to it. I already feel like people don't want to have to deal with it. I think I just really need something to focus on me -- not pregnancy, not motherhood, not any of the crap that floats around in my head. But, I will be with people who don't understand me or birthdays and I am really starting to get down. I feel like crying about everything and I just want to give up and sleep through the whole thing.

What's been going on?

I went and had a blood pregnancy test yesterday. I just told them to mail it to me. I am hoping that I get it before Thanksgiving. I was wanting to kind of make it "not such a big deal". Especially since I don't plan on telling people until, at least, Christmas. Not you guys, of course! You are my special people! I also don't want to be disappointed again. I honestly waited this long just to make sure my symptoms weren't in my head or weren't temporary or leading to some other conclusion. I would have "officially" missed my period this week. Whatever that means, seeing as how my system is anything but normal or official for that matter! So, hopefully I will have my official confirmation of pregnancy, that I will need for a birth certificate, in a few days.

In other news, one of my friends came to visit yesterday and we went to the ice cream shop in town. We all got ice cream. Then Kaine threw up all over the place. It was not awesome. And I am pretty sure the guy working in the ice cream shop is a "work release" individual. So, when I told him about the sickness he replied, "It's not my rug." (We were outside by the front door mat.) The guys is pretty nice really, until you ask him to do more than scoop ice cream. It's pretty annoying actually.

Kaine is really sick now. But really just some kind of stomach thing. He actually seems fine, other than the fact that he vomited 4-5 times last night (after a few hours of being completely fine, after the ice cream that is!) and had the worst diarrhea this morning (I am talking on his shirt and down his legs, I have never seen anything like it!!). So, now he is sitting on the couch with a double layer towel under him, eating crackers and sipping water. When I covered him with a blanket he said, "Oh, shoo-wee!" Like he was really comfortable now that he had a warm blanket, silly kid! It was really cute. I just hope it is nothing serious and that he is able to rest and keep down some fluids. Today is definitely going to be a movie day!

More on Christmas

So, I was really freaking out about Christmas presents today. I don't want to spend a ton of money on the bagillion people we have on our list. But I would like it to be something special that they would actually like. (I am a big believer in the true meaning of Christmas - the generous and loving giving part - not consumerism/materialism.) I would love to just be able to make hand made gifts and everyone appreciate and be grateful that I actually put some thought into their gifts. But, alas, we don't live in such a world and I don't want to give hard work that will not be appreciated for what it really is and represents.

So, I vented to Matt that people are selfish-and-only-accept-gifts-that-cost-a-lot-of-money-and-that-they-KNOW-costs-a-lot-of-money-and-nothing-is-as-good-as-that-and-they-don't-and-won't-even-ACT-like-they-like-your-crappy-home-made-gift!! (I said I was venting, right?) Anyway, "people suck and I am going to go and make my cranberry cordial now"(!), is basically what I was thinking and I didn't have any great feelings or other prospects to give people anything. I wanted to throw in the towel and tell them to shut-up!

So, I am making cranberry cordial. Matt is helping. Matt tastes the cranberry cordial after I do. He has the idea to give this as a gift! Brilliant! What do most people is our families do really well, well...drink, of course. This really is a good gift, even if you don't have a reputation as a "drinker". (I should state here that they are not my recipes and I have not actually EVER had any homemade). So, people are getting a sampler of cordials for Christmas. These are the flavors we have so far: Cranberry, Citrus and Berry (raspberry and blackberry). Matt also made pepper vodka for his dad who really enjoys bloody Mary's. I think we really hit the mother load of awesome gifts this year and because we can do it in big batches and they will be ready at the same time, it is the easiest solution too! I can't wait to see how they come out. I am planning on decorating the tops somehow.

That's all I got for now....Happy Christmas!

Pregnancy Spread

I found this spread here. I wish there was more interpretation done on it. It seem like the blogger has abandoned her blog however.  I am also confused about the months in this spread and how they correlate? I am also not getting a very clear depiction or interpretation.
Here it is:

1

2 _ 3 _ 4

5 _ 6 _ 7

8 _  9 _ 10

11 _ 12

1. Conception

2. Month 1 - January

3. Month 2 - February

4. Month 3 - March

5. Month 4 - April

6. Month 5 - May

7. Month 6 - June

8. Month 7 - July

9. Month 8 - August

10. Month 9 - September

11. Labor/Birth

12. Sex of child

 

My Cards:

1. Four of Wands Reversed

2. King of Coins Reversed

3. The high Priestess Reversed

4. Page of Wands Upright

5. Two of Swords Upright

6. Ace of Swords Upright

7. Knight of Wands Reversed

8. Eight of Swords Upright

9. Knight of Cups Reversed

10. Judgment Reversed

11. Page of Coins Upright

12. Knight of Swords Reversed

I am really thinking that the deck I am using is crap. I think I need a more traditional deck instead of the goofy one that I bought (it is a housewife tarot deck).It doesn't make much sense on some issues and seems to be downright wrong when trying to use another system to interpret a spread. Then again, I may just be really tired and not focusing on what my goal is. I am going to try and interpret this again over the next week. Any suggestions or ways of interpreting are welcome!

Christmas Presents

I am in craft mode again, you know this time of year for me! The only problem is, I seriously don't know what to make for people this year. I have no idea what people would want or need. I just got into loom knitting but there is only so much knit that some people would even begin to tolerate. I am not so sure it is a good idea to even go there (I don't want to put in the work and people not appreciate it). My biggest problem is that my brother-in-laws are people I don't know really well. I have no idea what they would want or need for Christmas. I was thinking about making knitted "skull caps" but when I brought the idea up to Matt he said, "I wouldn't wear one". He tried to act like he was joking but I think there was some actual truth there. So, now I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave people out and seeing as how we are actually trying to save money, I don't want to go overboard either.

In other Christmas related news. I am planning on making an advent calendar. Via this blog. Also, Homemade by Jill is doing a Sew along project for this too (this is where I got the original idea, I just like the look of the other one - that is where Jill got her idea from!). So, I am hoping to probably get started on this today or next week when I will be needing a project to do when I am sitting up stairs (at Kaine's school) waiting for school to be over. It is actually a good time of year to be able to have 3 hour increments that you need to fill with creativity! So yea for that!

Growing a Baby(ies)??

Okay, I am convinced that I am pregnant and it isn't hysterical! I also think that it is possible that I could be having twins too (missed a period after I had ovulated and then ovulated again). Of course, I won't know this until MUCH later! We would LOVE that.

My biggest indicators are the fact that my boobs have been achy for a week or so (usually it would come and go, this is constant). They are also bigger. I also am kinda weepy, at stupid things (things that are good and I am like "awe!" *tear*). I have noticed that I am more tired than usual too. Don't get me wrong, I am always tired, it is just more pronounced or at odd times. Like a few hours after I wake up or how by nap time I HAVE TO take a nap! Last night pretty much locked it down for me though. I seem to be able to smell everything and from far distances! Matt came in last night and was smelling like some strong smoky plant and I actually gagged! Then Kaine was suppose to be sleeping in my bed and he was actually in his daddy's aftershave (that Matt had left at baby level!) and I could smell it from the living room (until I found the mess, I thought it was that he just spilled some in the living room). Anyway, I think I am going to wait until next week and go and get a blood test (I have to have proof of pregnancy for a birth certificate and this is the most noninvasive way). So, here is to welcoming new life!! 

I'm Feeling Strangely Pregnant

I also feel like it is WAY WAY WAY to early to be able to tell this! But I am having some major symptoms. Like the fact that my cervix has taken up a more aerial position lately. OR the fact that I seem to want to have sex ALL THE TIME. OR the fact that my boobs have been weirdly aching and climbing under my arms (although it is NOTHING compared to the torture I went through the first time). OR that I am terribly thirsty but find myself going to the bathroom a few times an hour.OR that when I lay down my brain keeps telling me that I "really shouldn't be laying on my back and that the left side is the best position for your growing uterus" (what is THAT about, I ask you!?). But alas, we have been here before and I think I have finally given in to "waiting it out". But can you really have symptoms just a week or so after ovulating?? Or noticing, like 2 or 3 days after you had "the sex" that you were crampy and actually did spot some?? Oh confusion....
I wish there was some one, two, three way of figuring this out. A part of me also thinks that I am so hoping that I am pregnant that I am actually causing my self to have these symptoms. (Ever heard of a hysterical pregnancy? Here is a link for you to learn.) The other part of me really doesn't want to have to rely on outside sources to tell her that "yes you are pregnant" and "this is how far along you are". So, I am uber watching my body and  may be manifesting pregnancy symptoms. But I can't seem to let it go.

Medical Evidence

I was sent this link through someone on the UBAC website. I thought it was really informative, and actually written by people in the medical community. It is about medical errors, how drugs are approved (usually while the people testing are the ones lining their pockets by being on the approval board for said drugs!). It is worth a read, when you have the time:

Death by Medicine.pdf

I'm confused

I am really confused lately. My body seems to be rebelling or something! I thought I was ovulating the last few days, but now I feel like I am about to have a period. It is so weird! I missed (sort of) my last period due to the stupid yeast/whatever infection I had. I experienced some spotting that looked like old brown blood a few days past my "expected" period (I say that bc mine are so irregular). I thought it was all over. My cervix even started to move up and I was having the urge to have sex (which usually means I am ripe). It was completely out of the way on Monday (and we did have sex). However, I have noticed this morning that I had some tinged pink discharge. My vulva is starting to feel dry again and I have patches of itchiness! What the hell?! Are we just overdoing the sex thing?? Is my diet really suck-y?? (Which I think it is! Too many sweets, lol!) Or did the tea I made (ironically to help promote fertility and support of my uterus) actually backfire? I am crampy too. I have also been a bit moody, a-la premenstrual symptoms! UGH!! Am I really going to have to wait ANOTHER month!

                                                                                 -Confused, frustrated, annoyed and itchy!! 

Fertility

I thought this was a really good and comprehensive article on natural fertility signs:
Recognizing Your Fertility Signs

Cervical Fluid

Cervical fluid is the more evident sign of impending ovulation. Estrogen is responsible for producing cervical fluid. When your period is over, you will be dry for a few days. The dry days will turn to sticky days. Dry and sticky days are known as "sub-fertile" days- or a time when your fertility is very low.

After the dry or sticky days, normal cervical fluid usually changes to watery or creamy- whitish or clear in color and very thin. This is an indicator of rising fertility- or rising estrogen in your system. Some women may only get watery or creamy cervical fluid during their peak fertility. A few women may never notice cervical fluid at all. It is a good sign if you are producing cervical fluid because it is the medium that sperm need to swim up through your cervix and into your uterus. Sperm can survive days longer in good cervical fluid.

After the watery/creamy phase, most women will start to produce a new kind of cervical fluid called "Egg White" because it resembles the color and consistency of raw egg whites. This is the most fertile kind of cervical fluid. Egg White cervical fluid is stretchy and clear, or it may have white streaks or even streaks of blood in it. Sperm live the longest in Egg White cervical fluid and the more you have the better!

Abruptly after ovulation, or even the day of ovulation, you will become dry again, or back to sticky cervical fluid. You should remain this way until your next period arrives. Many women notice a lot of creamy or watery cervical fluid before their period arrives. This is completely normal.

• Sticky/Dry= Not fertile (Intercourse is not likely to increase your chances of pregnancy)
  
  
• Creamy/Watery= Fertile (Intercourse will increase the chance of pregnancy)
  
  
• Egg White= Very fertile (Intercourse greatly increases the odds of pregnancy)

Cervical Position

As a woman enters her fertile phase, her cervical position changes as well. This is also due to the high levels of estrogen in the body around the time of ovulation. During ovulation, a woman's cervix becomes soft (like your lips) and rises higher in the vagina. The opening of the cervix also becomes slightly larger to allow for better sperm passage. After ovulation the cervix becomes harder (like the tip of your nose) and the opening closes slightly. The cervix will remain this way until menstruation when the opening will open up larger again, but the cervix will still remain hard. After menstruation the cervix will close slightly again and not rise, become soft, or open more until the onset of increased estrogen in the beginning of the fertile phase.

When checking your cervix, always wash your hands before and after checking. Be sure you have short, trimmed nails. This form of checking your fertility is very tricky and takes time and practice to learn how to compare the changes.

Permission to reproduce granted by Winfertility, 2001. All Rights Reserved. Winfertility, a site created by Shara M. Hamshar, offers information on infertility and conception.