Ruminating

Having Kaine home over this break has really opened my eyes to how much I am missing (as in learning and growth) and how much I miss him. I do feel ridiculous about it too. For goodness sake, it is only a total of six hours a week that he is even away! Plus, the time is nice to have to myself. (I am hoping it is going to be even better when we actually live in town and I can put my house together!) Mostly though, I have been thinking about how most people miss this time in their and their child's growth. They, usually, have another little one by this time and don't get to enjoy it. For that, I count myself blessed -and a little cursed. I love being able to be one-on-one with him still. At the same time, my heart aches because I long to have a baby to hold too (more specifically, for him to be a baby for me to hold still). But, I know they most grow up and out of our immediate lives. I hope I am able to give him this without too much hassle.

My thoughts as of late, have been very much around these concerns. I know my longing is due to want of a new little one. Therefore, it is making me cling to Kaine even more. Because I don' want to take it for granted if he is to be our last. I am trying to accept that this may be a possibility. I really do want to make it one of my goals to full-heartedly trust that what ever comes our way is what is suppose to be in our lives and is meant as a blessing. I really do have faith that if Kaine was to be our last, that, in the very least, we got it right the first time. He truly can't be improved upon, as far as natural temperament and ability goes. But how I would love to be able to give him someone else to love and play with! It's in God's hands and He knows my heart.

Hope

In the last post I said something about how we had to pay for the car. We don't, even though we have already. Since the car wasn't finished in time the car insurance is still responsible for paying for the rental. We will get all of our money back.

In other news, I tried to take pictures of all of the crafts that  I have been doing lately but, my camera sucks and it won't take anything but blurs. So, I will have to try again soon. I really wish my EOS was fixed. But I am hoping to get all of that done after the holidays (of course, when I won't need it, lol!).

Anyway, we are also taking it easy on the baby front. We are putting our faith in God that His timing is better than anything that we could possible imagine. I am still very hopeful of pregnancy but I am encouraged that God will not make me wait longer than I can handle.

I am also hoping that the new year and new location (we may be moving very soon) will bring on a new desire to start, at least, walking for health. I really do need to get something going. Even if it is not to look better but to FEEL better. I am also hoping that it is going to help my crazy hormone system regulate it self better. I think this is one of my biggest issues with my body and if I can help it along, in a good way, that will help me to feel better about the whole issue (of weight, period, food things and more).

So, I believe this new year is going to be bringing forth a multitude of new things for us. I hope they are all for the good of everyone in our little family.

Rental Car Woes

Today didn't start to well. Actually the bad vibes carried over from last night. I got a call from Enterprise telling me that we were now paying for the rental car ($40/day) since the 16th. Did I mention in was 6:10 p.m. on Friday evening and that I live in the boonies. So, of course we get charged for another day because we won't be able to get it in until the next day. We were suppose to pay $160.63 for the charges. I went in and talked to them and they were very helpful. I was very emotional. She gave me a "free day", so to speak. So that took $40 off the top. I ended up paying $120.63 for the rental. She gave me pointers on how we may be able to get the money back, seeing as how we were not informed that there would be a time limit on the car (30 days). The good, or silver lining, to the situation is that Matt was able to get someone on the phone from Nationwide (our car insurance company) and they were able to inform us that, if we call back Monday, they will be able to get clearance to reverse the money exchange and that they are still liable for coverage because the car wasn't done on time. (This is no fault of the place fixing the car, the parts were on back order and they had to schedule work around Thanksgiving and have been nothing but helpful.) It was just unneeded stress at a time that I was already feeling crummy.

I am hoping this week is going to be better and that the Christmas spirit will once again be revived. Here's to hoping.

Christmas

I'm just not feeling it this year. No matter how hard I try. And believe me I HAVE tried! I really thought Kaine would be more into it this year. He doesn't care. He likes the fact that we have a tree in the house and that he got to put shiny things on it. But, other than that, nothing. He hates Santa still because he TOTALLY doesn't get what Santa is about, no matter how many books we read about the jolly fat man. I hope next year is better.

The whole gift thing is getting to me too. I really hate that it is what it is. I want it to be about the true meaning of Christmas this year but, it's not here. I don't feel it. I don't see it. I tried to be positive about the whole thing (even all of the bad crap that has happened lately). I have tried to shrug it all off. It really didn't affect me until a few hours ago, when more bad news arrived. It was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. I just don't know how to get into the spirit and I am running out of time. Hopefully some last minute jolly-ness or hope will find it's way to me before it is too late.

Life, as of late

My computer has stopped working for a while. The battery has decided to crap out on us. I don't know when, or if we will even fix it. Although, since I am using it now, maybe my husband has already solved that problem?? Don't know. Just glad to be back online, at least for a few minutes.

Today I am doing some more Christmas shopping. Because I am crazy. And because I didn't get as much done earlier as I thought. BOO! But it is mostly for the older boys in the family (brother-in-laws, brothers, uncles, etc.). So, although we don't have a ton of money (really running way to low this month!) I want everyone to get a gift just to let them know we were thinking of them and so they don't feel left out. I just don't think it is right that you know people are coming for Christmas and there won't be anything under the tree for them. It's just not right in my book. ***I also want to state here that I DO NOT believe that gifts should be the focus of Christmas but the thought of doing good for others, is my whole point!***

Anyway. We went camping last weekend, just Matt and I. It was really nice and we had a wonderful weekend. We saw a ton of animals, even 7 deer at the same time! It was really nice and we really needed to get away. I really wish we could do this all the time!! LOL

My car is also not yet done. It still needs to be painted, as of yesterday morning. But that is all good. I really didn't think, with the holidays and what not, that it would be completed by the 13th. So, it's all good. I am hoping to get it back sometime early next week.

I have also been searching for a place to rent in Gainesville, to get our credit score up. I think I might have found one. I am going to go and look at it today. So, wish me luck!

Hopefully, I will be back on here before the end of the year but, if not, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Public Property

I am live again. Hopefully it won't cause the problems it did last time. Although, I still have a lot to say about all of that...I am going to keep a lid on it! Isn't censorship grand??

Anyway, I am hoping to be able to get more traffic here by being public. I don't think I should be censored or bottled up. Plus, I really enjoy knowing what others are going through in their own lives and I would like them to be able to see that they are not alone.

Here is to being able to still speak my mind without the crazies interfering.

The Real Story

I have been working on Christmas things around here lately. Plus, I have been sort of depressed too. This time of year always does it to me. My birthday brings on really bad memories of loss. It sometimes takes hold of me in a "death grip" style of grief. Especially if I am menstruating when I was REALLY hoping I was pregnant. (I mentioned hysterical pregnancy right!?) So depression sets in pretty heavy. But the bleeding has stopped and so has, obviously, my "hysterical pregnancy" (I really did convince myself that I was pregnant and didn't want to accept that I wasn't- I was even willing to convince myself that the blood test results "MUST be wrong!")

I told Matt after all of that that I  really didn't feel like trying again. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately want a baby, I just feel like I need to focus on something else, at least, for a month or so. So, hopefully the new year will bring about a better outlook and more opportunities for us to conceive.

On blog news, I feel like I am being censored by having a private blog. I really hate it. I really think that my blog should be out there for people who lurk and need to hear some sort of "alternative truth" (if you will) for the crap that we are fed in this county (about health, choices or raising a family). But, I also don't want to have to actually censor my thoughts in order to make it public again. Not to mention, that I am NOT going to go back and re-do or delete the "questionable content" that people were so up-in-arms about. I guess the only thing that I would have to do would be to not talk about MIL. Because, I am positive that she still searches for this blog, because, after all, she IS nosy and pretends to be interested when she really isn't (so she can use it against you when you least expect it). Is there a way to safely, without disrupting other family member ties, to distance yourself from someone? I really do feel like I need to learn this art. I literally will be standing thinking, as something is coming out of my mouth, "Why in God's name are you telling her this!?" I think I need more friends! lol I am working on that!   <---See it is impossible to even mention the problem without letting out some steam! UGH!

Anyway, I am thinking about making a purely pregnancy blog, when the time comes. I really, REALLY want to be able to be out there about our choices. I think it will help others come to a better, more personal birth decision for themselves and their families. Of course, because no one (other than about 2 people) that I know will actually support me in our decision to go unassisted, it will be anonymous and not linked to this one, unless it is under "blogs I like and you might like too". So, look for me to let you know more about that too.

I am thinking the blog is going to go public sometime next week. You may get email updates, so I can keep it sort of private. We will see...

Updates:

Not pregnant.
Making an Advent Calendar.
Not approved for a house loan by one point.
Looking for a rental house in Gainesville to earn our one point.
Going to be taking it easy on the pregnancy front and just see how it goes.
Not looking for anything on the pregnancy front until January.
Tried to potty train Kaine - didn't work.
Two week Christmas break is coming up, we are going to try the potty again.

Can I become Rip Van Winkle?

I am really starting to get bummed out about the whole baby thing. Honestly, I am not even sure I want to keep trying. Part of me feels selfish for even wanting another baby. I feel like so many people want kids and NEVER get any and I already have one so, why in the world am I trying to be so selfish. I should be thankful for the one I have (and am) and not try to get more than I deserve (so to speak). Needless to say, after all of these HUGE pregnancy symptoms, I am spotting/bleeding. I really did feel pregnant and I am not so sure that what is happening isn't a miscarriage. Of course, there is no way to know now. SO....blah.

On top of this, my birthday is Thursday, which is also Thanksgiving. I am really not looking forward to it. I already feel like people don't want to have to deal with it. I think I just really need something to focus on me -- not pregnancy, not motherhood, not any of the crap that floats around in my head. But, I will be with people who don't understand me or birthdays and I am really starting to get down. I feel like crying about everything and I just want to give up and sleep through the whole thing.

What's been going on?

I went and had a blood pregnancy test yesterday. I just told them to mail it to me. I am hoping that I get it before Thanksgiving. I was wanting to kind of make it "not such a big deal". Especially since I don't plan on telling people until, at least, Christmas. Not you guys, of course! You are my special people! I also don't want to be disappointed again. I honestly waited this long just to make sure my symptoms weren't in my head or weren't temporary or leading to some other conclusion. I would have "officially" missed my period this week. Whatever that means, seeing as how my system is anything but normal or official for that matter! So, hopefully I will have my official confirmation of pregnancy, that I will need for a birth certificate, in a few days.

In other news, one of my friends came to visit yesterday and we went to the ice cream shop in town. We all got ice cream. Then Kaine threw up all over the place. It was not awesome. And I am pretty sure the guy working in the ice cream shop is a "work release" individual. So, when I told him about the sickness he replied, "It's not my rug." (We were outside by the front door mat.) The guys is pretty nice really, until you ask him to do more than scoop ice cream. It's pretty annoying actually.

Kaine is really sick now. But really just some kind of stomach thing. He actually seems fine, other than the fact that he vomited 4-5 times last night (after a few hours of being completely fine, after the ice cream that is!) and had the worst diarrhea this morning (I am talking on his shirt and down his legs, I have never seen anything like it!!). So, now he is sitting on the couch with a double layer towel under him, eating crackers and sipping water. When I covered him with a blanket he said, "Oh, shoo-wee!" Like he was really comfortable now that he had a warm blanket, silly kid! It was really cute. I just hope it is nothing serious and that he is able to rest and keep down some fluids. Today is definitely going to be a movie day!

More on Christmas

So, I was really freaking out about Christmas presents today. I don't want to spend a ton of money on the bagillion people we have on our list. But I would like it to be something special that they would actually like. (I am a big believer in the true meaning of Christmas - the generous and loving giving part - not consumerism/materialism.) I would love to just be able to make hand made gifts and everyone appreciate and be grateful that I actually put some thought into their gifts. But, alas, we don't live in such a world and I don't want to give hard work that will not be appreciated for what it really is and represents.

So, I vented to Matt that people are selfish-and-only-accept-gifts-that-cost-a-lot-of-money-and-that-they-KNOW-costs-a-lot-of-money-and-nothing-is-as-good-as-that-and-they-don't-and-won't-even-ACT-like-they-like-your-crappy-home-made-gift!! (I said I was venting, right?) Anyway, "people suck and I am going to go and make my cranberry cordial now"(!), is basically what I was thinking and I didn't have any great feelings or other prospects to give people anything. I wanted to throw in the towel and tell them to shut-up!

So, I am making cranberry cordial. Matt is helping. Matt tastes the cranberry cordial after I do. He has the idea to give this as a gift! Brilliant! What do most people is our families do really well, well...drink, of course. This really is a good gift, even if you don't have a reputation as a "drinker". (I should state here that they are not my recipes and I have not actually EVER had any homemade). So, people are getting a sampler of cordials for Christmas. These are the flavors we have so far: Cranberry, Citrus and Berry (raspberry and blackberry). Matt also made pepper vodka for his dad who really enjoys bloody Mary's. I think we really hit the mother load of awesome gifts this year and because we can do it in big batches and they will be ready at the same time, it is the easiest solution too! I can't wait to see how they come out. I am planning on decorating the tops somehow.

That's all I got for now....Happy Christmas!

Pregnancy Spread

I found this spread here. I wish there was more interpretation done on it. It seem like the blogger has abandoned her blog however.  I am also confused about the months in this spread and how they correlate? I am also not getting a very clear depiction or interpretation.
Here it is:

1

2 _ 3 _ 4

5 _ 6 _ 7

8 _  9 _ 10

11 _ 12

1. Conception

2. Month 1 - January

3. Month 2 - February

4. Month 3 - March

5. Month 4 - April

6. Month 5 - May

7. Month 6 - June

8. Month 7 - July

9. Month 8 - August

10. Month 9 - September

11. Labor/Birth

12. Sex of child

 

My Cards:

1. Four of Wands Reversed

2. King of Coins Reversed

3. The high Priestess Reversed

4. Page of Wands Upright

5. Two of Swords Upright

6. Ace of Swords Upright

7. Knight of Wands Reversed

8. Eight of Swords Upright

9. Knight of Cups Reversed

10. Judgment Reversed

11. Page of Coins Upright

12. Knight of Swords Reversed

I am really thinking that the deck I am using is crap. I think I need a more traditional deck instead of the goofy one that I bought (it is a housewife tarot deck).It doesn't make much sense on some issues and seems to be downright wrong when trying to use another system to interpret a spread. Then again, I may just be really tired and not focusing on what my goal is. I am going to try and interpret this again over the next week. Any suggestions or ways of interpreting are welcome!

Christmas Presents

I am in craft mode again, you know this time of year for me! The only problem is, I seriously don't know what to make for people this year. I have no idea what people would want or need. I just got into loom knitting but there is only so much knit that some people would even begin to tolerate. I am not so sure it is a good idea to even go there (I don't want to put in the work and people not appreciate it). My biggest problem is that my brother-in-laws are people I don't know really well. I have no idea what they would want or need for Christmas. I was thinking about making knitted "skull caps" but when I brought the idea up to Matt he said, "I wouldn't wear one". He tried to act like he was joking but I think there was some actual truth there. So, now I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave people out and seeing as how we are actually trying to save money, I don't want to go overboard either.

In other Christmas related news. I am planning on making an advent calendar. Via this blog. Also, Homemade by Jill is doing a Sew along project for this too (this is where I got the original idea, I just like the look of the other one - that is where Jill got her idea from!). So, I am hoping to probably get started on this today or next week when I will be needing a project to do when I am sitting up stairs (at Kaine's school) waiting for school to be over. It is actually a good time of year to be able to have 3 hour increments that you need to fill with creativity! So yea for that!

Growing a Baby(ies)??

Okay, I am convinced that I am pregnant and it isn't hysterical! I also think that it is possible that I could be having twins too (missed a period after I had ovulated and then ovulated again). Of course, I won't know this until MUCH later! We would LOVE that.

My biggest indicators are the fact that my boobs have been achy for a week or so (usually it would come and go, this is constant). They are also bigger. I also am kinda weepy, at stupid things (things that are good and I am like "awe!" *tear*). I have noticed that I am more tired than usual too. Don't get me wrong, I am always tired, it is just more pronounced or at odd times. Like a few hours after I wake up or how by nap time I HAVE TO take a nap! Last night pretty much locked it down for me though. I seem to be able to smell everything and from far distances! Matt came in last night and was smelling like some strong smoky plant and I actually gagged! Then Kaine was suppose to be sleeping in my bed and he was actually in his daddy's aftershave (that Matt had left at baby level!) and I could smell it from the living room (until I found the mess, I thought it was that he just spilled some in the living room). Anyway, I think I am going to wait until next week and go and get a blood test (I have to have proof of pregnancy for a birth certificate and this is the most noninvasive way). So, here is to welcoming new life!! 

I'm Feeling Strangely Pregnant

I also feel like it is WAY WAY WAY to early to be able to tell this! But I am having some major symptoms. Like the fact that my cervix has taken up a more aerial position lately. OR the fact that I seem to want to have sex ALL THE TIME. OR the fact that my boobs have been weirdly aching and climbing under my arms (although it is NOTHING compared to the torture I went through the first time). OR that I am terribly thirsty but find myself going to the bathroom a few times an hour.OR that when I lay down my brain keeps telling me that I "really shouldn't be laying on my back and that the left side is the best position for your growing uterus" (what is THAT about, I ask you!?). But alas, we have been here before and I think I have finally given in to "waiting it out". But can you really have symptoms just a week or so after ovulating?? Or noticing, like 2 or 3 days after you had "the sex" that you were crampy and actually did spot some?? Oh confusion....
I wish there was some one, two, three way of figuring this out. A part of me also thinks that I am so hoping that I am pregnant that I am actually causing my self to have these symptoms. (Ever heard of a hysterical pregnancy? Here is a link for you to learn.) The other part of me really doesn't want to have to rely on outside sources to tell her that "yes you are pregnant" and "this is how far along you are". So, I am uber watching my body and  may be manifesting pregnancy symptoms. But I can't seem to let it go.

Medical Evidence

I was sent this link through someone on the UBAC website. I thought it was really informative, and actually written by people in the medical community. It is about medical errors, how drugs are approved (usually while the people testing are the ones lining their pockets by being on the approval board for said drugs!). It is worth a read, when you have the time:

Death by Medicine.pdf

I'm confused

I am really confused lately. My body seems to be rebelling or something! I thought I was ovulating the last few days, but now I feel like I am about to have a period. It is so weird! I missed (sort of) my last period due to the stupid yeast/whatever infection I had. I experienced some spotting that looked like old brown blood a few days past my "expected" period (I say that bc mine are so irregular). I thought it was all over. My cervix even started to move up and I was having the urge to have sex (which usually means I am ripe). It was completely out of the way on Monday (and we did have sex). However, I have noticed this morning that I had some tinged pink discharge. My vulva is starting to feel dry again and I have patches of itchiness! What the hell?! Are we just overdoing the sex thing?? Is my diet really suck-y?? (Which I think it is! Too many sweets, lol!) Or did the tea I made (ironically to help promote fertility and support of my uterus) actually backfire? I am crampy too. I have also been a bit moody, a-la premenstrual symptoms! UGH!! Am I really going to have to wait ANOTHER month!

                                                                                 -Confused, frustrated, annoyed and itchy!! 

Fertility

I thought this was a really good and comprehensive article on natural fertility signs:
Recognizing Your Fertility Signs

Cervical Fluid

Cervical fluid is the more evident sign of impending ovulation. Estrogen is responsible for producing cervical fluid. When your period is over, you will be dry for a few days. The dry days will turn to sticky days. Dry and sticky days are known as "sub-fertile" days- or a time when your fertility is very low.

After the dry or sticky days, normal cervical fluid usually changes to watery or creamy- whitish or clear in color and very thin. This is an indicator of rising fertility- or rising estrogen in your system. Some women may only get watery or creamy cervical fluid during their peak fertility. A few women may never notice cervical fluid at all. It is a good sign if you are producing cervical fluid because it is the medium that sperm need to swim up through your cervix and into your uterus. Sperm can survive days longer in good cervical fluid.

After the watery/creamy phase, most women will start to produce a new kind of cervical fluid called "Egg White" because it resembles the color and consistency of raw egg whites. This is the most fertile kind of cervical fluid. Egg White cervical fluid is stretchy and clear, or it may have white streaks or even streaks of blood in it. Sperm live the longest in Egg White cervical fluid and the more you have the better!

Abruptly after ovulation, or even the day of ovulation, you will become dry again, or back to sticky cervical fluid. You should remain this way until your next period arrives. Many women notice a lot of creamy or watery cervical fluid before their period arrives. This is completely normal.

• Sticky/Dry= Not fertile (Intercourse is not likely to increase your chances of pregnancy)
  
  
• Creamy/Watery= Fertile (Intercourse will increase the chance of pregnancy)
  
  
• Egg White= Very fertile (Intercourse greatly increases the odds of pregnancy)

Cervical Position

As a woman enters her fertile phase, her cervical position changes as well. This is also due to the high levels of estrogen in the body around the time of ovulation. During ovulation, a woman's cervix becomes soft (like your lips) and rises higher in the vagina. The opening of the cervix also becomes slightly larger to allow for better sperm passage. After ovulation the cervix becomes harder (like the tip of your nose) and the opening closes slightly. The cervix will remain this way until menstruation when the opening will open up larger again, but the cervix will still remain hard. After menstruation the cervix will close slightly again and not rise, become soft, or open more until the onset of increased estrogen in the beginning of the fertile phase.

When checking your cervix, always wash your hands before and after checking. Be sure you have short, trimmed nails. This form of checking your fertility is very tricky and takes time and practice to learn how to compare the changes.

Permission to reproduce granted by Winfertility, 2001. All Rights Reserved. Winfertility, a site created by Shara M. Hamshar, offers information on infertility and conception.

Kaine's Future Room

I have been working on the Huckleberry Finn themed boy's room. Since we cant actually put it into action until we have our own place, I have been doing a ton of research. This has turned out to be a really good idea. Especially since I would have already done a ton of things in my excitement to get things going and it would not have turned out so well (or as well as it could be!). Anyway, this is what I am planning:

I want to make tree that looks like an oak with moss and everything. I finally found a website that would help me to do this! Go to this link to see what I am talking about: Oak Tree Project

I have also been struggling with a way to incorporate the bed in a creative way. At first I was thinking about making a raft that the bed could sit on. The more I thought about it, the more room I figured the bed would take up and I don't necessarily want it to be a major focus in the room. But I did want to incorporate some sort of white washed fence (seeing as how that is a well remembered part of the book). So, I thought I would make a headboard from picket fence! Go here to check out that link: Picket Fence Headboard also this one of a picture of the project: Picture

I also already have some cute elements for the room too. I bought two pictures that are in rustic frames from the original illustrator of the book (I am pretty sure they are copies because I seriously didn't pay that much for them. They are so cute!). I also bought an old Avon perfume bottle that looks like a little country boy with a stick fishing pole and a straw hat (complete with overalls and bare feet!). I love it! I had already had curtains that I got for a steal when we found out Kaine was a boy and we needed new decorations for his room (haha!). They are a thinnish jean and have loops (the part where they would hang from the curtain rod) that are fastened to the curtain with overall clasps. They truly are so cute (the ties are also overall straps). The only thing about them is that it looks like new jeans and I might think about fading them and maybe even putting in some patches and worn parts to make it look really "worn" in and used. That would be cute, as long as I don't destroy them!

I am sure, as time goes by, more elements will be added too. As things seem to usually happen that way. I will be able to find little nick-knacks or cute pictures or something to enhance the theme. Now all I need is a room to put it all in!!

Halloween Costumes

I already made Kaine's costume, a few months ago, actually. He wore it to school and to the fall festival they had that evening. It was fun, a bit hectic, I had to go by myself (Matt was still working). I also volunteered to help in a booth but Kaine kept running away, so, you can imagine how that went. It was still fun, Kaine was over tired and really didn't want to be there at first. Then, he found the car table and didn't want to leave! The little girl trying to clean up was very relieved when I came to retrieve him! Haha!

Anyway, he now wants to be a construction worker for Halloween. (The other was a poncho style monkey costume that I made purposely to double as a "dress-up" item later on.) So, Matt and I have combed the aisles of every Halloween section of any store that dared to put one up. There are about a MILLION AND A HALF "woody and Jessie" costume's but ABSOLUTELY NO construction worker or "Bob the Builder" type costumes! What is up with that?! So, we went to Lowe's. I was really already pretty set on the whole "construction worker look" because of the birthday party. But I really wanted a safety vest to complete the look. Which, to my surprise, I could not find any fabric at Jo-Ann's to make one. We bought one that I would be able to scale down to fit him.

So, besides house hunting, going to a work party with Matt and helping my mom with a catering job this week, this is what I will be doing! Life has begun...

Pregnancy Fear

So, a thought has been floating in my brain for a few days (a week, maybe?). It is this, "What if this time, I can't get pregnant as easily as the last? What if all of the 'it is going to be hard, if not near impossible, for you' crap I was fed is really going to happen this time around?" I know it is irrational. For last time, a month out from exploratory surgery (that turned up no hostile or baby unfriendly uterus) was I surprisingly and willingly with child. So, what are my fears based on this time? In a word: adhesion's. Scar tissue built up. Fibroids even. (Okay, that was way more than one word, but whatever!) None of this is confirmed. All of it once or even subtly suggested by books on the aftermath of cesarean's. All of it fear in my own mind stemming from a life brought up to believe that something ALWAYS is wrong with you; that doctors are never wrong and are people who speak and know the truth (and, of course, not to be questioned!).

The hard part, really, for me, is that these fears seem  to be more deeply rooted than I had imagined or even ever thought they were. It sucks. It is an uncertainty (which I have never been good at handling) that I do not wish to carry around. I know it is unfounded. Even stupid.

I am trying to refocus my thoughts on the more positive side of things. Think things like, "You are going to be pregnant", "You know your fertile days", "Baby making is fun and a relationship strengthener", "You have plenty of time" (which may be a tad on the down side). I need more positive thoughts.

On another note, I have told Matt of my plans to have sex for 2 weeks straight. To which he replied, "I am going to hold you to that." I thought that was funny (especially since I probably won't need any encouragement and would LOVE to achieve baby glory this month!).

Contemplating birth

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Chief Seattle

Beautiful words were never more truly spoken:

You must teach your children that the ground beneath their feet is ashes of our grandfathers. So that they will respect the land, tell your children that the earth is rich with the lives of our kin. Teach your children what we have taught our children - that the earth is our mother. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. If men spit upon the ground, they spit upon themselves.

This we know. The earth does not belong to man: man belongs to the earth. This we know. All things are connected like the blood which unites one family. All things are connected.

Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

"Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love"

By: Lynn M. Griesemer

I just got in this book. So far (I am only in chapter one with the intro and preface behind me) I love it! Here is an awesome quote from the book:

How we birth is a reflection of our faith and confidence and how we approach birth is how we approach life.

Also, this quote which I would say to anyone who doesn't believe men should be allowed (or at least active) at birth. Something that I think is a major stereotype and should only depend on the man in question:

A father is profoundly influenced by childbirth. Birth is especially meaningful when he accepts responsibility for an event which has been in everyone's domain but his for over a century. There is no greater joy for a father to be the first to see, touch and hold his own child. He will instantly know that no doctor, midwife or other person should be the one to accept this new miracle in their hands. 

That is definitely something I have felt from the beginning of my last pregnancy. I never thought it was fair (to the man) that the guy "gets to have the fun, the woman gets the work" side of birth. I believe it is as much his experience as it is the woman's. It is his child, after all. Yes, the woman does the work, some would argue that she is the only one that counts. In my opinion, if you are having these thoughts, that is exactly the birth you will get. If you consciously or subconsciously make it a womanly experience, there will be no room for your husband to share the experience. 

Now that all of that is said, I also believe that some men can't handle birth and that they should not be involved. But to just say that "men shouldn't be at birth" (many midwives and friends have said this to me) is a generalization and an unfair statement. I say give them some power and let them experience this one in a lifetime birth (because everyone only gets one)! After all, husbands are suppose to be our biggest supporters, lovers, best friends, fathers to our children, advocates, leaders and sounding board. Why would you deny them a profound and potentially life and relationship altering experience? (Meaning that it will ultimately bring the two of you and your family closer together.) 

Physical Preparation for Birth: Part 3

One of the reasons we have decided to go ahead with getting pregnant is because physically I have made huge progress. I can do a complete squat (although I lean forward, more on that in a second). My posture is getting better (my shoulders are starting to set back more). I have active muscle reaction (twitching) in my shoulders, this, if I am getting it right, is a sign of repair in the form of shortening a muscle that has been stretched out of place. I am sore, however. I do feel like I have trouble breathing, at some points too. I think all of this is to be expected. After all, I am resetting the skeletal and muscular foundation of my upper body.

I have also figured out why I suck at going to the gym and working out. I get to overwhelmed with all of the different exercises. I am pretty much a "do and conquer one thing at a time" type girl. (This is pretty much true in all aspects of my life.) So, I have been taking it slow. I mastered the squat, my biggest challenge. I feel empowered to move onto my posture! I feel like now that I have achieved something big, I can do anything.

There is still more work to do. I lean forward in my squat because my hip flexors are tight. This causes my pelvis to tilt forward (if you ask me, this is one of the reasons Kaine was in a bad position at birth, something that certainly needs to be remedied if natural birth is EVER to happen for me). I also need to focus more on transverse abdominal exercises (helps support your core, back and actually holds your stomach in - not to make you look skinny but to make you have better posture and body control). This is also a good exercise for pregnancy because these muscles help support the uterus and a full term baby comfortably. Therefore, I may not have the back pain or tilting that I had previously.

God and Birth: Part 2

One of my biggest revelations, if you will, lately has been to "Let Go and Let God". I feel like faith is a really hard concept for me. Let me explain what I mean by faith. Faith = the belief that God will grant you the desires of your heart if you put your fears, apprehensions, worries, joys, love and guidance in His hands. I was having a real time with the whole contradiction of believing that God has a plan and trying to control things for myself. (This does not mean to sit around and wait for God to do something. I feel like God gives US the ability to do things when His time is right.)

How does this tie into our birth plans? God has a path set out for us, it is all predetermined. I believe that, I also believe most Christians believe that. (Not to mention others who are not Christians use this type of thinking also. I believe Tarot is just another way of getting a clearer message of what is to come.) I believe we make decisions according to the plan. Meaning we have free will and are able to make decisions that determine our path (sounds contradictory but wait). God knows this and encourages it. However, God is all-knowing and knows what path we are going to choose already. Therefore, it is predetermined and, basically, is meant to be. So, in accordance with birth, what is meant to happen is going to happen, no matter where you are. Yes, I am talking mostly about death here. If I or the baby is to die, it is going to be so, no matter where I am. I get the arguments about "If you were in the hospital at least you would have covered everything and you would know for sure that you were meant to die". However, I do not think that is an absolute truth either. Do you really think if God wanted you to go that any amount of human effort, no matter what the intention, is going to stop Him from taking you? I don't think so.

Therefore, I am using this experience as a faith builder. I believe that God will give me the desires of my heart by putting my faith in Him to do so. I desire an unhindered home birth with just my family in attendance. I believe God will grant me with the right path. I believe He has made our bodies to know what they should do. I believe that by letting go of putting my faith in other people and relying on God's guidance (through intuition, ability, strength, wisdom and faith) that God will grant me with the birth that will be an all inspiring and healing experience for Matt and I.

I am also willing to accept the death of a baby (or me) if that be God's plan. I do believe that things happen for a reason and that they are learning experiences for those left behind and affected. Death makes people stronger and better people (I know this because I have come out a better person because of a serious loss at an early age). I am putting my faith in God and letting Him lead me into the path that he wants me to go. I want to be the person that I am meant to be. I feel like I am following His path.

Unassisted Childbirth: My Beliefs : Part 1

Let me first start by saying we are officially trying to conceive! We are no longer waiting. Hopefully we will be able to announce something soon!

We have been talking about this for some time. I wanted to document our decision. That is what this post is about. We really do believe that midwives and even *some* OB's have their place. We just couldn't find any around here that meshed with our beliefs about birth.

Here is what I believe (since I can only speak for myself). I believe women have an inner voice that guides them. If you don't ignore it, you will be able to intercept messages that will lead you in the right way. You have to be open and ready to listen and do what it says. This is the basis of my decision to go unassisted while in "child-bed". (Of course, it was precipitated by the unnecessary c-section that I got (because people lost patience). Even though, I do believe that Kaine was in a bad position, due to unnecessary interventions prior to labor - stripping of membranes, castor oil, pitocin and on and on). Childbirth just happens. You have to give it time (something I wasn't given). I believe that if you are in your own space you will be more comfortable and able to give birth more effectively. I also believe that, for some, problems do arise and do exist. However, I do believe that being in a hospital or with a caregiver you are giving up your rights to refuse care (because you already have accepted) and fall into the "fear mongering" path. Anyway, being in your own space and in your own mind and body, in my opinion, puts you in a place to intercept problems before they become serious. You can then make informed decisions and actually choose, without pressure, what you would do. 

I also happen to believe that women, who prepare themselves, can give birth without fear and without pain. Don't get me wrong, birth has pain, but it doesn't have to be all-consuming. You can master it and you can overcome the "discomfort". Preparation is the foundation for greatness. Birth can be something that is like a "rite-of-passage" (which I truly believe it is), if you are willing to let it happen.


*I believe some OB are just there to collect a paycheck and get the "wow, you deliver babies" big heads. Others, though it seems few and far between, believe in a woman's ability to birth. And even still others are there because, unfortunately, there is a need for surgical births (for a select few).

Baby Supplies

Okay, Matt and I just talked about baby supplies and funds. I want to go ahead and get them while we have the money. I know, we are WAY ahead of the game! Here is what we have on the list so far:

Mabis Fetoscope
Mabis Self-Taking Blood Pressure Cuff
Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year
Emergency Childbirth: A Manual
Puppy pads (chux)
Cord Clamps (2)
Umbilical Scissors
Bulb syringe
Mattress pad
Lube
Hot Water Bottle
Foot printer with Certificate
Unassisted Childbirth
Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love
The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth
Ina's May's Guide to Breastfeeding
The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth
Active Birth
Birthing from Within
Childbirth without Fear
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

A ton of books, mostly. I think most of the other stuff I will get as I go. What else do you think I should have? The only thing annoying me is that I feel like I am leaving off something HUGE from this list. But, it isn't like I don't have more than enough time to remember what it is and find it! Let me know if you have any suggestions! I am open to anything you think will help.

Things Kaine says:

Taken dressed. (To get dressed)
That in perfect.
That in awful.(Pretty much anything where you would say "is" is usually an "in")
Lube you! (Love)
5...4...3...2...1...Blast on!
Ornchen (Oranges or the color orange)
 Ice cream truck (Ice cream cone or cup)

I am sure there are more. I will try and add more when I remember them. He is talking in sentences now, so it is hard to keep up sometimes!

Preschool Days

I am amazed at how much Kaine has changed over the last month. School has seemed to make him more independent in play. He is so inventive. His imagination is amazing and awesome! Which I am very glad about, it was one of my biggest issues - you gotta have imagination! But, then again, this is the time when "cognitive development" booms. So, it may be just one thing or the other or both together.

He is doing much better with the drop-off issue too. I had a talk with the school director and was given a book about separation anxiety. We were able to come up with a plan that works for everyone. We decided (Matt and I, after talking with the school) that taking Kaine on Friday's would probably be helpful, because he was only going Monday and Wednesday. We thought that the gap between Wednesday and Monday was too big. It seemed to help right away. I took him in on Friday (almost didn't-I thought the change in rooms and teacher would make it worse). He barely cried when we walked in and as soon as they closed the half-door behind him he was all about playing. Monday and today he whimpered about not going when we got on the street where the school is but as soon as I parked he would say, "I get out. Play kids." Which I thought was VERY encouraging. Today I purposely took him in a little after nine to see if it would be easier to leave him if other kids were there (I had been having a horrible time with timing the drive and seemed to always be 10-15 minutes early- this increased anxiety because we were sitting there staring at the building and I was talking about going in and leaving him). So, leaving him was really good this time. I walked in and dropped him off with the teacher, gave him a hug and told him I would be back in a little while, "Go and play with the kids" type of leaving. Then turned and walked out, purposely not lingering (I had been making the mistake of staying, for my own comfort, to make sure he was not traumatized). He did wonderfully, a little clingy at the hug point and a few whines but as soon as I got to the sign-in table I couldn't hear him at all (the table is right next to his classroom door).

Pick-up today was good too. I was the first one there, finally. (I thought that being the first would help to not prolong the pick-up crying.) It turns out I was right. He wasn't crying when I went to the door, there was another, new kid, crying (I thought those cry's were covering Kaine's). He was just playing, however, as soon as he saw me he started to cry (I really would like to know the physiology behind this-he has always done this, as little as 6 months old).

All-in-all we had a really good day. I am glad that he is able to be away for a few hours and have new experiences. He seems to have really grown by it. He can walk up and down small steps by himself now. He asks for help (something we have been working on). He will say, "Need help". He also says, "Kaine's turn" when he wants to play with something that I have or wants a new toy from someone else (this is also something I have always said to him, after demonstrating a toy or trying to engage him in play). I am glad to see that he has been listening and that the lessons that I hoped he was learning are now being used in the proper manner. I also asked him what he did in school today and he said, "I shared", which was a really cute and nice answer to get!

Laying the Right Foundation

I absolutely have not been feeling well lately. I have actually been sick since Saturday afternoon and am currently trying to get over a wicked sinus infection or cold (?). But I have also felt like I am really isolated from everyone. I really want to be a good friend, partner, mom and whatever else I am suppose to be, I just don't want to sacrifice any of "me". I am currently looking for a compromise situation. Something that will make me happy and help with the relationships in my life. What I got going now, doesn't seem to be working. (However, a part of me wants to scream that people also need to give a little and be willing to see my side of things - which, truthfully, seems to be what I am struggling with).

Things I would like to achieve:

• Be a better friend
• Be a better do-er
• Organize (thoughts, possessions, chores...)
• Help develop a well rounded individual
• Set and REACH goals
• Be nicer
• Compromise more
• Do things for the greater good
• Learn to appreciate people for who they are, not what I expect them to be
• Be less open (emotionally)
• Set a good example
• Lay the right foundations
• Ask for help
• Appreciate help
• Grow, mend and give back

Lot's of things to work on. At least Matt and I are back to normal. I even can't wait for him to be around and, lately, have REALLY been wanting to cuddle (so not me!). But, of course, I have been sick and I tend to get that way when I am not feeling too great. (But there is also the this very important issue of not making the bread winner sick *wink*). 

I just want you to know that if you have been feeling the cold shoulder lately, things are on the up-and-up. The Sun is coming out!!

TV Article

I found the following article about exposing your kids to media. I thought it made some pretty good points. I was pretty much like "Kaine will never watch TV or have it on constantly". I have pretty much failed because I love the songs that he learns and, not to mention, all of the educational tools that PBS provides. (We are big on PBS around here.) I still do think that he is way over exposed, but I also think that it has it's place. He also loves to read books and is well tended to during the day. The TV does not act like an "electronic babysitter". So, everything in moderation with wise choices and parental supervision is my (complicated) motto. Here is the article:

Turnoff Week, formerly Turn-off TV Week and now in its ninth year, calls for people around the world to turn off their electronics, disengage from digital media and take a moment to think, read and create. It's an important message, but one that is far too simplistic. If we simply turn off for a week, what will change? Will that help us make better choices about how our families use media?

The reality is that media consumption is increasing for kids, across many platforms, including television, web, videogames and mobile. It's critical to consider not only the amount of time kids are spending with these screens, but what kind of experiences they are having when they are watching, surfing, playing and socializing. Instead of challenging families to simply flip the switch off, we need to help parents make informed decisions about what gets turned on -- because the right media choices can make a difference in helping children reach their full potential.

Moderation is an important part of the solution, but we should not forget that media companies producing for children bear the responsibility of creating content that engages, entertains, challenges and educates children. Thoughtful, well-produced and researched media is readily available and the evidence that it can support childhood education is well documented. We know from research by the University of Pennsylvania at Annenberg that media that is carefully designed can be a boon to kids' learning. For example, watching as few as two episodes of the PBS KIDS series Super WHY! resulted in children scoring 46% higher on standardized tests than children who did not watch the show. And it's not just on TV -- another recent study found vocabulary improved by as much as 31 percent in children who played with an iPhone application based on the PBS series Martha Speaks. Media has the power to open doors for children, encouraging their natural curiosity and sparking creativity. Let's work together to maximize the quality of the time our kids spend with screens, to help them reach their highest potential.

Lesli Rotenberg is Senior Vice President of Children's Media at PBS, and a mother of two media-savvy daughters.

Relationships

After Matt and I's upsetting and surprising talk we have been doing tons better. So much so, that it feels like it did when we were dating (or first married!). Such a plus. I think the turning point, for me, is that I got to see how upset he would be if I did leave. I think I needed to see it, not just know it, you know? (I am a freak!) I didn't want to upset him (I really didn't think it would) but benefited, literally overnight, by his emotional outburst. I was having a problem connecting with him because I felt that he was just doing things to make me happy, not stuff he wanted to do (did that make sense?). I am even able to be more affectionate now! This is HUGE for me! HUGE, I tell you! I love it and hope that we continue to outwardly love each other! Kaine, I believe, would benefit too.

Okay, now for my preschool stuff. I think I am making Kaine have anxiety attacks. I try and hide my anxiety about dropping him off. Which is brought on by a cycle of things. I anticipate that he is going to be upset, therefore, I get anxious. In turn, he gets anxious because we are well bonded and he can read me like a book! Why do I feel like this? Because he is hysterical when I drop him off (with pounding heart and all). They tell me (and even took pictures) that he is perfectly fine all day. When I come to pick him up he is crying again (I have yet to be the first parent to pick up, so Kaine starts to cry when the other kids leave). But he does tell me about his day and says that he has fun. I just think he is anticipating me leaving and my feelings about him being upset. The good thing is, although he cry's when I drop him off he is getting better while I am away. He whined a little bit the first few days, yesterday he didn't cry at all. Good news to me. Plus, I had a conversation with his teachers and told them I was conserned that they were not doing enough to engage him. I told them that they couldn't just tell him "to stop crying" they had to do something about it. The older teacher took him under her wing and made him her "special helper". She said he was really helpful (I could have told her that, lol!) and that he did really well. Before this, all of the feedback I was getting was, "He did fine". SO, not good enough! But, it seems to be on the up-and-up. I just have to figure out how to handle the emotional outbursts without damaging Kaine's and I's relationship or damaging his image of school (something he will probably have 20+ years of).

Working the Grape Vine

Lately I have been in a very big crafting mood. Fall brings it on, never fails! This is the time of year I like to call "craft season". So, before 9am this morning what was I doing? I was outside, of course, pulling down grape vines! (If you know anything about me, you got the sarcasm in that sentence!) I was randomly reading "Country Wisdom" and came upon grape vine baskets and wreaths. I have further been inspired by my Google search on grape vines. I then thought, "Hey! My yard is overrun with wild grape vines!" The only reason I would even think of pulling the vines down are because there is an overabundance and it won't hurt the eco-environment that I am currently in. They grow back really fast. (Now that that hippie moment is over. It really has more to do with my Native American blood than anything else.)

So, I have many plans. I want to make a few natural wreaths. A few small grape vine pumpkins. A Christmas tree (because I like to have real trees but don't actually like to pay for them! Hence, the Charlie Brown tree we cut down last year). Also anything else that I can come up with. Maybe some small ornaments or something to give as gifts? Or keep? Or even sell? I don't know. I tend to like my creations too much! LOL This site has a lot of wonderful ideas (and things for sale!).

I also am going to be on the lookout for wild grapes. We assumed that they fruited in the summer, but they are fall fruiting plants. I just have to wait for the leaves to turn yellow. I also have to hope that the millions of birds around don't eat them all (I just want a few!).

Well, I am off to check out some more things to do with grape vines!!

I am finally feeling like myself again. A lot of stress has been lifted off of me. Here's the list:

• I'm not pregnant
• I can still try and lose weight
• The methods of how I was losing weight are not going to be affecting a baby
• Matt and I are finally connecting
• I am not holding anything back from Matt

Things still to do:

• Have a civilized conversation with Matt's mom about the rumors she has heard about my blog

(yeah, and you read that right. She hasn't even read my blog! She was just told all of this stupid stuff (some of which is not even on here!) But she has taken it for truth. She refuses to come and talk to me about it. She is being really petty and prolonging something that could have been well on the mend.)

Anyway, I am starting to feel better about things. I am happy that I am able to go and continue with my weight loss. I really do want to be a lot smaller before I get pregnant. You already have to have all of this weight put on you when you are pregnant and I don't want to be carrying around too much extra. So, now I am thinking that I would like to wait until January to get pregnant. I know right, always changing my mind! LOL But I figured if we start about that time it would:

• Give me even more time to lose weight
• I could get into better shape (especially posture wise)
• The baby would not be due until October (pretty much my favorite month!)
• That would also make a good month because no one's birthday is near there (except for Jordan's at the end of the month) 

So, here's to happy times coming up!

Rumor mill

I am feeling really bad about what I posted earlier. I just thought he was ready to hear my side of things. I don't know how to fix it. I don't believe in giving in. I just want everything to fix its self. I feel like I am back in high school and I said something that went against the grain and it got turned into a rumor and now everyone hates me and doesn't even know what the real story is.

I don't know what to do.

The truth seems to hurt others

It turns outs that even the people you think you can tell the horrible truth to, actually don't want to hear it anyway. My life is total crap right now. On ALL fronts. (Well, except for Kaine, he is my only joy. And, for my family, for once there is not drama there).

I use this blog to get my true feelings out. Mostly because I have a problem expressing myself (well, not really but I have a problem getting my actual point across). I don't understand why everyone thinks that this little thing is such a big deal. I feel like I am surrounded, on all sides, by inconsiderate and selfish people. No one seems to value my opinion (or truth about my feelings). It turns out, that no one really wants to know what I am thinking and feeling. They just want me to pretend everything is okay.

I understand that people try to provide the right world. But at what cost are you trying to keep up your pretenses that everything is grand? I guess when all of your needs are being met and you are truly the master of your own choices and can do whatever you like, you really are happy. Maybe I am just feeling a little too dependent.

I told Matt that we no longer have an emotional connection. I asked him what he thought about this, to which he respond with angry tears. I was totally disappointed. I don't think he got the point, AT ALL. If he did, that would not have been his answer. What I was saying is this:
We don't have an emotional connection. I feel like I like you as a person, but I don't "like you, like you". I also said that the state of where we are is like when you are dating someone for a while and it is no longer there. You aren't mad, you just know it is time to move on. You will still like the person after you are done with the relationship but, it just didn't work out. I said that if we weren't married it would be really easy for me to walk away. (It sounds harsh, but in the context of the conversation this is where we were going.)

I was saying this in order to get it out so we could work on this aspect of our relationship. I am pretty pissed off that the realization of these words were met with shock, anger and unrestrained emotion (which isn't really an issue). But it proves my point too. The fact that that was his reaction proves that he has no idea what is going on in my life. He hasn't taken any emotional stock for a while. Surely, he can't think I am happy. I can't stand that he seems to have a shallow outlook on life (like work is all for him- more on this later). He likes what I stand for (with some exceptions) but doesn't really stand for anything himself. He just lets everyone else make the hard decisions. I understand he has a lot on his plate. He provides EVERYTHING for us. I am grateful for this. I don't think he believes this, however. I do the best I can do.

A part of me feels like his job, one that he loves (which I am happy about and don't even want to say what I am thinking) is just shallow and vain. A lot of it is how I see myself. I have a horrible body image problem (I have since I was a teenager). I feel pressured into fitting into a mold (even though most people there don't care what the trainers spouses look like, I know of at least one that looks like I do). I just feel like it is another aspect of something that is coming between us. This is COMPLETELY my fault. I understand that. But, I tend to take it out on him. I know he loves his job and I hate that I even feel like this and that it ruins his image for me. Insecurities truly suck. I wish I could turn it off. I am sorry for the way this makes me look at Matt and I am ashamed of myself. I can't take joy in anything that he cares about because I feel so insecure about even talking about personal training and the way people are suppose to look (for health). I feel like I represent everything that is wrong with the people who don't care about what they look like. Let themselves go, if you will.

Whatever...I am done with this for the day. Probably more to come later.

Why the Privacy

As you have noticed, my blog is now private. I didn't want to do this, but unfortunate events have lead to this unfortunate outcome. I have snoopers, in other words. People who don't really care about what I say, they just want to take what I say (to the people I say it about) and spread it around for their own amusement. Therefore, things have been taken out of context and used to humiliate others. Completely not the point of my blog (which, as it turns out, I thought no one read-I would rather no one read it if this is to be the outcome!).

My blog is about me. In raw form. I have to have a safe place to vent out my personality. I have to be able to say whatever I want to say, no matter how cruel, hurtful, honest, funny, lovable or whatever that it might come out to be. If I don't, I will go crazy.

I was not out to get anyone. I will not apologize. If you took what I said and made it something, that is your problem. Out of respect for myself and my blog I have made it private. I don't want to have to defend what I write. That is not the point. I have not done this to say sorry or make amends. I believe it will be used as a source of evil if it is allowed to be dragged into the petty realms of others. I will not allow this!

I am sorry to my blog, however. You were never suppose to be a pent-up animal. A part of me wanted people to be able to read my words and see where I was coming from. A true look, into myself, if you will. Well, people have used it as a tool to hurt others and have not considered where I was coming from-not even in the slightest! I am truly offended. I am glad the truth (of how I feel) is out there (even though it should have never been out there like that in the first place-if you were actually reading what you were using as your weapon of destruction you would have known that!).

It all comes down to the fact that people are petty. You can't trust them, after all. If you show your true colors, people will attack you. No matter what you point of view is or is meant to be. (I am not sure I truly believe that second statement, but I do feel like I have been attacked. I do not feel like there was any true cause. I feel like a weapon that people have used to damage another.)

So, Pregnancy

***First let me say that I apologize for the last post. You didn't need that in your life!***

So...here we are again. I think I might be pregnant. Of course, I have thought this more than once. (You can do the leg work and look up old post, lol!) Anyway. I have been tracking my period for close to a year now. I have not seen any real pattern in the madness of said cycle. However, I never miss two periods in a row. And, according to my 30+ day cycle, I would have missed my second one on Tuesday (I have an every-other-cycle). Plus, I am really moody (not that the people in my life really help that!). I keep feeling pretty tired in the evenings (I want to go to bed at like 7pm every night, lol).

The weird thing is, my boobs don't really hurt all that much. They are just achy, off and on. They were super painful the first time around. So much so (after a million prego tests that were negative) I went to the doctor and had a breast exam and a poking around of my lymph nodes (don't even get me started on the horrible experience that that was!). I am really thirsty too. Not that I think that has anything to do with my boobs. Matt also says that my girlie parts "feel pregnant". When asked to elaborate he says, "more swollen". Which I have noticed too (a very pregnant sign for me!). TMI Alert- also, I have been extra moist lately. So much so that when I get up from sleep that I have to immediately go to the bathroom so I don't make a mess. That sounds like I exaggerated, it's not really that bad, just noticeable when it otherwise was not before. 


My biggest indicator, other than no period, would be the heaviness that I am feeling in my uterus parts. Although, I have been chalking that up to pre-menstrual symptoms. Which could be what I am feeling with the rest of my symptoms, as well. But, this feels different. I don't know, I have said that before also. Plus, I don't have any of the other "medical" signs of pregnancy. Like these: Goodell's sign, Chadwick's sign, Hegar's sign or Ladin's sign (not that this one would be something that I could determine myself anyway).

Matt said I should go and get a blood test. I have taken over the counter tests. But, we all know what good that does for me. So, I don't know if I am going to or not. I wanted to wait until the end of September to make sure I am not going to be having a period. But, I really feel pregnant (and nauseous, but not to bad). So, I don't know still.

Angry post (title changes due to unbecoming language)

I am so sick of people telling me what I can and cannot do. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! I have my own life, go get yours.

I think I have finally hit my breaking point. I really AM quite ready to give it to the first person that walks into my path looking for a fight. I WILL give it to the next person to walk into my path looking for a fight!

I am SO done being this person that is suppose to be all "turn the other cheek" and "do it for the greater good". Well, this is what I have to say about that:

*statement has been deleted because I was very angry and the language that I used is not appropriate for anyone to hear. I am fully ashamed of myself. I beg your forgiveness.*

Now that I have that off my chest, yes, I do feel better! 

Kaine's 1st Day of Preshool Pictures

I know I don't usually post pictures but this background was to cute to pass up. Here is a smattering of pictures from Kaine's first day of Preschool!
I don't know why it is showing those other two pages on there first, just go to the last page and you will see the pictures. I tried to fix it, but apparently, I have no idea how to do that!

First Day of Preschool

Today was Kaine's first day of preschool. He goes to the First United Methodist Preschool downtown on 1st Street. I think there are only like 5 other kids in his class, which is nice. He goes from nine to noon. He was really excited about it. I have been talking to him about it for weeks now. Even went to the library and got all of the "back to school" books that they had on the shelf. I started telling him last night that I was going to drop him off at school and "Kaine is going to stay and Mommy is going to go bye-bye. Okay?" I wasn't sure he got it the first time. By the second (or was it third?) he was saying, "Okay, Kaine stay and Mommy go bye-bye". Which was great. I still didn't really think that he got what I was talking about.

So, now comes the day to put it to the test. We got there early, because I thought there was going to be traffic and there was not. So, we were 30 minutes early. But, they have a really great park right across the street and we played with the other kids that were waiting for school to open. When nine rolled around we headed for the building. Kaine was really impatient to go inside and didn't like waiting in the line for them to open the door (they lock the door before, during and after school). When the door was open, Kaine was fussing about going into the class room. As Matt and I signed him in, he made his own way through the crowd to his classroom (which he remembered where it was!). By the time we got there (a few moments later) he had already made his way to the carpet and pulled down the big truck toy. He was completely carefree. Matt and I considered just backing out (after telling the staff how to use cloth diapers, lol). But, I didn't want him to look up and we be gone and then he not want to go to school anymore (because, after all, Mommy and Daddy disappear when I go in this room). That would be tragic! So, we walked over to him and gave him a kiss and a hug and told him bye. He barely moved and quickly went right back to playing with his toy truck.

Surprisingly, I was fine this whole time. I did have some butterflies when I was driving in to town. But I knew that I had prepared him and that I was prepared to leave. I was glad that he really did seem to be ready for this day and was excited for it to finally be there. When I left the building, this is when it hit me. I felt instantly lonely! I started to cry. Not to bad, I kept it in check. It was still a big step for me. I think I might have actually lost it if Matt wasn't there (I was embarrassed and he helped me pull it together!).

I went and worked out at the gym and took a shower. Got some gas and an iced mocha from a Starbucks that I passed (because I had time to kill). I was even able to sit outside for a while at the Starbucks, it was pretty nice to have some time to myself. Then I headed back to get Kaine. It ended up that I can't tell time and was there 30 minutes early! I thought I would be right on time. Anyway, I waited until I saw the director open up the door for the school until I got out of the car. Apparently, other parents were early too and Kaine was one of the last ones to be picked up. As soon as I walked into the door I heard him crying from the main door. He was saying, "I wan to go bye-bye!". He had seen all of the other kids leaving and didn't understand what was going on. Poor guy. I talked to the teacher and she said he did fine. They did have some trouble with the diapering situation but, are willing to work with it. (Bless them!) So, next week will be a  full week for him (two whole days!). I think he will do just fine.

This is what Kaine says they did at school today (as he said it):

• Play toys
• Ready "Book Story"
• Play Sand
• Eat yummy snack
• Sing and Clap (to which he kept saying, "Mommy sing song!")
• Have juice

He also came home with a sticker, which he kept pointing out. It was too funny!

Some of the issues: Explained

Okay, well I feel like I am in a better place now and can talk about things more clearly. Over the last month, more things than I have energy to explain here, have happened. I was trying to be the bigger person and not just react to situations and blow up. (I honestly think I should be commended for this, since, it is seriously one of my biggest weakness!).

I think I have finally made a decision about midwifery school. I have decided not to go. I am not sure if this is going to be a permanent decision or not. I might come back to it later in life. I have decided that I really want a family oriented job and one that will still allow me to be with my kids while they are growing (you only have so much time, after all). So, I think, and I say this with much trepidation, that I am going to go back to teaching. I think my biggest issue with all of this is 1) I know I can be an awesome midwife and change lives and push the rules, 2) I have a bad history with "normal" education, 3) When I was in the teaching program before, my heart wasn't in it (it almost bored me to tears). However, on further review I have decided that this is what the good points in this career would be:

1. I will be away from my kids for approximately the same time they have to be away from me every day.
2. I will have summers off (when they are out of school too)
3. I can possible teach at a private school and therefore, get a tuition break
4. It will be a schedule that I can change with the age of my children (if they are in preschool then I can teach preschool and work half days. When they are all on 8-3 days I can work that too)

So, I still feel guilt about not being a rebel midwife and challenging the position of the current birth climate in Florida. But, like I said, there is always time later. Just because I am older, doesn't mean that I can't change my career.

Signs of Depression

I feel really conflicted lately. I don't really know what to do about it. I need to make some major decisions and I really don't want to. These are life changing decisions that effect more than just me. I really don't even know what to say about it. All I do know is that this sitting around and doing nothing about it is only making it worse.

I think a big part of me feels like a failure. Like I have been down this road so many times and I really am tired of coming back to this path. I am afraid of what people are going to say or worse are thinking (which is making it worse because I like to think that what other people think of me just doesn't matter - which, apparently, isn't true).

It also doesn't help that I have people in my life (MIL) that think they know what is best for everyone and want to control everything! I am just so frustrated with everything. I am not being myself. I want to tell people off and I am holding back because I feel like it just isn't my place. Plus, I don't want to put strain on relationships that have been really helpful to us and (unfortunately) we are going to need down the road.

Most of the time, lately, I just want to scream or cry or just plain hide. This is not even remotely good for me - I am prone to depression. I just am not sure what to do. I need some support. But, I don't know where to look. I think, mostly, that it is something (or things) that I just have to deal with. What I really want is for someone to tell me what to do. Then I can say, "Okay, I will do that". But, of course, then you give up any type of creative control and are subjected to judgment and unnecessary criticism. 

I really just don't know what to do. I know this message was cryptic, I will try to explain more about the details of the decisions that I am trying to make in a later post. *Sigh*

Breastfeeding Tips Wanted

I really want some good ideas about making breastfeeding tops. I have been thinking about it lately, a lot. I think my biggest hang-up last time was that I didn't want to spend a ton of money on nursing gear but didn't really have anything to nurse properly in public places. (Especially since Kaine DID NOT want his head covered!) I really like the style of the Momzelle line of clothing. But, seriously, $50 for a tee-shirt? No thanks!

I also really like the nursing tanks that Target sells. The Gillian & O' Malley ones.  They are greatly priced and convenient to buy. The only real problem with them are that they are not really outer wear (for me anyway, I could see some super skinny new mom wearing them as outer wear, but I wouldn't be able to pull it off. Also, they are a little on the lower cut side of things and I feel like too much skin is being revealed). I was thinking about using this as a base, under clothes and with out a bra, because they are basically built-ins. So, that would be a good option, I guess, with a tee shirt or something.

I guess what I really need is for someone to fill me in on all of the good, bad and ugly about breastfeeding clothes. Any input? Any tried-and-true things that you have discovered?

Righteous Anger?

Because I am trying to turn the other cheek and not stir things up (for once. Does that mean I am finally an adult?) you get to hear all of the terrible and horrible and annoying and mean things that people do in my life.

I don't think it is very nice when you plan to go out-of-town for your son's birthday. Plan a fishing trip and invite your other kids along. (OK, we were invited too.) Things have happened, for one, Matt didn't want to go because he felt like it was a cop-out move. (Because his dad has to go for a conference and it was more of a "oh yeah, why don't you guys come. Oh, we will plan something too." By plan, I mean this happened only 5 days ago). Another thing is, Matt has to be in a meeting all day tomorrow (10-4) and couldn't get out of it (therefore, even if he wanted to go, he wouldn't be able to).

So, I wanted to fix things. I decided to plan a small party. I invited his brothers and only a few set of his friends. Well, no-one had really gotten back to me about it. Then, about an hour ago (11:30am) I get a call from MIL. I knew what was coming. "We feel really bad", "If we didn't already have this planned...", "If we didn't have to go..." (which, I must say, the only person that HAS TO GO is his dad! NOT anyone else). Whatever, I thought. I was trying not to sound annoyed, I am sure I failed. I was trying not to give her the satisfaction of knowing she was getting under my skin (she seems to be able to do this quite a lot lately). I was busy anyway, making meat pies, and didn't really have time to hear all of her excuses. So, I tried to just focus on what I was doing and sound busy (I think she got the point!).

Anyway, what really annoys me is this: His brothers were just invited to go on like Wednesday! After I had sent out secret invites to come to the party. Let me ask you this, would you not be pissed off that people (no family!) blew off your birthday to go on a fishing trip??? The only good thing about this, however, is the fact that Matt didn't know I was planning anything. I am planning on making his day really special anyway. It is not about them. That is why I am writing this! I just want it out of me, so I can move on and not worry about all of their stupidity!

Seriously though, I now get why Matt hates his birthday. Feeling like second rate doesn't make it a very special day. Talk about selfish!

Potty Training

I really feel like potty training is right around the corner. Kaine came out of his video room twice yesterday, stark naked running for the potty. The first time, I was absorbed in something, and heard him take his potty out and say, "I go pee-pee in potty!" To which I replied, "Want me to...where did your diaper go?" He shrugged in reply (this is a new answer, I don't know where it came from, but it really is quite cute). The second time was pretty much the same. That time, I sat beside him and read the books that we got at the library (about going to school) to encourage him to sit there for more than 10 seconds. We got through 4 books (board books) but no pee. I really think he is realizing now that he is peeing into his diaper. I think that is why the diaper gets ripped off and he comes running to the potty. The diaper is always peed in and there is never any pee in the potty. I am encouraged though. Especially after the day or so I spent trying to potty train him with no success. So, I am not going to rush it. It seems like this is something he is becoming comfortable with on his own. Looking back at all of the adjustments we have tried to make with Kaine, it has become quite apparent that nothing is going to change until he is quite ready for it to change anyway. No matter what we do. So, slowly we will be encouraging his use of the potty, whenever he decides he wants to use it.

I am thinking, however, that once he starts pre-school in two weeks, that he will be more convinced of how to potty. He will be able to see the other children doing it (the ones that can, that is) but will not be rushed into learning. I think I will talk to the teachers and see if they will allow him to watch the other children using the potty (he watches Matt now). This, I believe, will help to jump start the process in his mind. It is one of the things that helps him now. When he is acting like he wants to go we say, "Go pee like Daddy". To which he holds himself and and stands, kind of leaning toward the potty. Of course, nothing has happened just yet. (Matt did say, the first night we tried the potty again, that when I went off Kaine started to pee and Matt directed him to the potty and he got a little in. I missed it! Matt gave him praise and then told me about it. I praised Kaine, to which he showed immediate delight!). Progress will be slow but positive.

Not feeling like blogging

I have been super depressed lately, about a ton of things and don't feel like blogging. I have a lot of things on my mind, as of late. Hopefully, I will be back in the swing of things when I can settle my inner debate, get Kaine off to school without a hitch, get the MIL under control and figure out when and if with baby number two.

On a good (sort of) side note. I have been blood free now for 41 days. This is, of course, following the 3 months worth of bleeding. So, maybe it is just me losing weight that is throwing it off or my normal, not-so-normal menstral cycle rearing it's ugly head again (I was becoming pretty regular there prior to the 3 month bleed) or maybe I am pregnant.

On another side note. I was sitting on the couch yesterday, reading or watching something, and I had this overwhelming feeling of life in my uterus. Or a stirring of some sort. My initial reaction was, "Oh, hello new life". But, as it often happens, I figured it could also just be my uterus gearing up for the monthly. So, I am sure, either way, we are bound to find out soon.

A Discussion

I am thinking about having a conversation with my mother-in-law about boundaries. I am not really sure how to go about it. Especially since I have been warned of an upcoming conflict. So...

I feel like she is over stepping her bounds. I do not appreciate the way she comes about things. She tends to just do stuff (because she is bothered by it) and not care how it makes anyone else feel. Instead of coming to a problem and talking about it, she takes it into her own self and makes a solution that she is happy with (without concern for others or what they would have wanted or liked). Or so, to me, it seems.

My biggest issues are:
Taking over with Kaine (in my presence)

• she talks over me when I am talking to him
• she undermines my authority
• she will give him things (such as juice and junk food) knowing I do not like it
• she will come in and pick him up when he is being talked to about his mistakes (or being disciplined-while I am talking to him)

She butts into Matt and I's relationship

• She is constantly telling us to be nice
• When we are having a discussion, she tells us to stop and act a certain way 
• She tries to control what we say and do (like we are her kids, not a married couple)
• She puts herself into a position of power, so that Matt has a hard time of making his own decisions
• She is nosy and wants to know things that she has no right to know

Personally:

• She is nosy
• She takes over my house
• She takes over my child
• She thinks she can say whatever she wants, whenever she wants
• How she pouts about not getting her own way (this I won't bring up, it is just a valid point)

I am wavering

I am not so sure about Midwifery school anymore. After talking to that last midwife, she has gotten into my head and made me consider some really serious stuff. I was really angry about it, at first. Especially since I didn't share her philosophy about birth. Therefore, everything she said to me was automatically discredited. But, I did have to ask myself why it was bothering me so much. (I just couldn't let it go!)

The problem is this:
She brought up that being a student (and a midwife) takes you away from your family (which I had considered). I didn't really realize, until talking to her, how much of my life (and my families lives) would be affected by my decision to become a midwife. I can honestly say that I am not comfortable with the time that I would have to give away. The whole point of my being a mom is to stay home and take care of my children (without any assistance, or very little). How am I going to do that when I would constantly be on call and leaving my family at a drop of a hat? I can't do that. That is not the type of life I want to live.

So, I think I have made the decision to not go to midwifery school after-all. Maybe later in life, when my kids are older and I wouldn't feel as bad about leaving them. I think, I am going to go back to education and finish my already started degree. At least this will give me a schedule that would allow me to raise my kids. Also, if I decided to go in as a private school teacher, I may be able to get tuition for free or nothing at all.

I have not made an actual decision on whether I am going back to teaching or not. A lot of things depend on each other in order to make this happen. I have to do more work and figure out if it would, indeed, be a good thing for us to consider. Here's to a new journey.

Worst Weekend EVER!

I had unexpected house guest this weekend. Much to my dismay my mother-in-law invited herself (and her house guest over) I thought it was only going to be for one night (which I was completely fine about). NOPE! It turned out to be the ENTIRE weekend. Starting off with a shopping spree in St. Augustine.

This is how it went. We were talking about her guests coming. She asked if I wanted to go to the Outlets in St. Augustine (to get school clothes for Kaine). I said that would be a good idea. She showed up (an hour late) on Friday. Then informed me we were going to the beach too. I was completely unprepared for that. I had to run around and find Kaine's beach stuff. I didn't even bother to pack any of mine.

We went shopping. (I found out later the girls she had as house guest only thought we were going to the beach. So, we were both fooled!) Anyway, the trip was okay. I was left everywhere I went and even spent the majority of the shopping completely by myself (with Kaine, of course). I was told to meet them places that they said they were and after waiting around they didn't show up. I decided that if they were going to be rude to me that I would just get going with my own shopping and then meet them when they were ready to go. (I have a baby with me after all! They don't tend to take to waiting for other people!) So, as I was going to my last shop which was completely out of the way of where they said they were going to be. Here comes mom-in-law around the corner (opposite of where she said she was!) and says "Oh, here you are. I thought you were at the other store!" To which I rudely (and deservedly replied) "I was!" She followed me in the store but made sure to make it apparent that we were surely not together. Whatever!

We then went on to the beach. It was hot. I was not dressed for it. The water was REALLY cold and it was crowded. (There was a kids group there, kinda like a summer camp on a field trip.) Kaine enjoyed himself. That was good. I was ready to go within 30 minutes. I walked back up the beach to get water from the concession stand and hid in the car to cool down. I also called Matt. I decided to try and make it fun and bought some bubbles and an ice-cream for Kaine and walked back down the beach. It was better and, by then, everyone was ready to go.

Next came the, "Do you mind if we come back to your place?" Which, at the time, I didn't. I did, however, have this sense of dread about not being prepared for guests. It was fine, the first night. Saturday morning showed that I wanted them gone. Her house guest didn't seem to be enjoying themselves either. (Would you? Unexpectedly stuck out in the woods?) She seemed to be the only one who was happy with what they were doing. She made a big fuss about cleaning up around the house. Making dinner and whatever. She even got to the point of telling Matt  (when he had a conversation with her about knocking off all of the cleaning and meddling) "When we lived on the farm, we learned to appreciate things!" Meaning that we didn't appreciate our things and the fact that we live in her house! AAARRGGHH! I still have not forgiven her for that! (She is an extremely privileged and  pompous ass!)

On top of her strutting around and taking over (her specialty). She was highly offended that Kaine didn't want anything to do with her. She seemed to want to (and did) take it out on me (like I put him up to it!). She was fussing over him (and if you know me, I let him just go about his business and just interact with him like he is human). She wouldn't leave him alone. Which he didn't appreciate AT ALL! (He is a lot like me, he doesn't like to be bothered all that much. He likes to be by himself a good bit of the time). So, she even pouted at one point and was like "Fine! I won't do anymore for you!" (I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to slug her right there! I was like, "How old are you? Who is the adult here?") Can you believe this BS?!

And, as if it couldn't get any worse, she goes and invites both of Matt's brothers and their girlfriends over, Matt's dad and the neighbor! All of which I didn't know about until they arrived! So, now the total count of who is in the house is at 12! In a 1200 square foot house mind you! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for everyone to "GET OUT!!!!" It was seriously like a party and blessing when they finally did (Sunday at around 9pm!). I could have killed her, I really could have!

*BTW, this isn't even the worst part of it. She had such an overbearing attitude and did EVERYTHING she could think of that would get under my skin. Undermining me at every turn! And trust me, that is a HUGE understatement!!!!! It is my opinion that if you want respect and friendship, then that is what you should, in turn, give to others! Hypocrite!