I feel really conflicted lately. I don't really know what to do about it. I need to make some major decisions and I really don't want to. These are life changing decisions that effect more than just me. I really don't even know what to say about it. All I do know is that this sitting around and doing nothing about it is only making it worse.
I think a big part of me feels like a failure. Like I have been down this road so many times and I really am tired of coming back to this path. I am afraid of what people are going to say or worse are thinking (which is making it worse because I like to think that what other people think of me just doesn't matter - which, apparently, isn't true).
It also doesn't help that I have people in my life (MIL) that think they know what is best for everyone and want to control everything! I am just so frustrated with everything. I am not being myself. I want to tell people off and I am holding back because I feel like it just isn't my place. Plus, I don't want to put strain on relationships that have been really helpful to us and (unfortunately) we are going to need down the road.
Most of the time, lately, I just want to scream or cry or just plain hide. This is not even remotely good for me - I am prone to depression. I just am not sure what to do. I need some support. But, I don't know where to look. I think, mostly, that it is something (or things) that I just have to deal with. What I really want is for someone to tell me what to do. Then I can say, "Okay, I will do that". But, of course, then you give up any type of creative control and are subjected to judgment and unnecessary criticism.
I really just don't know what to do. I know this message was cryptic, I will try to explain more about the details of the decisions that I am trying to make in a later post. *Sigh*
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