It turns outs that even the people you think you can tell the horrible truth to, actually don't want to hear it anyway. My life is total crap right now. On ALL fronts. (Well, except for Kaine, he is my only joy. And, for my family, for once there is not drama there).
I use this blog to get my true feelings out. Mostly because I have a problem expressing myself (well, not really but I have a problem getting my actual point across). I don't understand why everyone thinks that this little thing is such a big deal. I feel like I am surrounded, on all sides, by inconsiderate and selfish people. No one seems to value my opinion (or truth about my feelings). It turns out, that no one really wants to know what I am thinking and feeling. They just want me to pretend everything is okay.
I understand that people try to provide the right world. But at what cost are you trying to keep up your pretenses that everything is grand? I guess when all of your needs are being met and you are truly the master of your own choices and can do whatever you like, you really are happy. Maybe I am just feeling a little too dependent.
I told Matt that we no longer have an emotional connection. I asked him what he thought about this, to which he respond with angry tears. I was totally disappointed. I don't think he got the point, AT ALL. If he did, that would not have been his answer. What I was saying is this:
We don't have an emotional connection. I feel like I like you as a person, but I don't "like you, like you". I also said that the state of where we are is like when you are dating someone for a while and it is no longer there. You aren't mad, you just know it is time to move on. You will still like the person after you are done with the relationship but, it just didn't work out. I said that if we weren't married it would be really easy for me to walk away. (It sounds harsh, but in the context of the conversation this is where we were going.)
I was saying this in order to get it out so we could work on this aspect of our relationship. I am pretty pissed off that the realization of these words were met with shock, anger and unrestrained emotion (which isn't really an issue). But it proves my point too. The fact that that was his reaction proves that he has no idea what is going on in my life. He hasn't taken any emotional stock for a while. Surely, he can't think I am happy. I can't stand that he seems to have a shallow outlook on life (like work is all for him- more on this later). He likes what I stand for (with some exceptions) but doesn't really stand for anything himself. He just lets everyone else make the hard decisions. I understand he has a lot on his plate. He provides EVERYTHING for us. I am grateful for this. I don't think he believes this, however. I do the best I can do.
A part of me feels like his job, one that he loves (which I am happy about and don't even want to say what I am thinking) is just shallow and vain. A lot of it is how I see myself. I have a horrible body image problem (I have since I was a teenager). I feel pressured into fitting into a mold (even though most people there don't care what the trainers spouses look like, I know of at least one that looks like I do). I just feel like it is another aspect of something that is coming between us. This is COMPLETELY my fault. I understand that. But, I tend to take it out on him. I know he loves his job and I hate that I even feel like this and that it ruins his image for me. Insecurities truly suck. I wish I could turn it off. I am sorry for the way this makes me look at Matt and I am ashamed of myself. I can't take joy in anything that he cares about because I feel so insecure about even talking about personal training and the way people are suppose to look (for health). I feel like I represent everything that is wrong with the people who don't care about what they look like. Let themselves go, if you will.
Whatever...I am done with this for the day. Probably more to come later.
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