Ruminating

Having Kaine home over this break has really opened my eyes to how much I am missing (as in learning and growth) and how much I miss him. I do feel ridiculous about it too. For goodness sake, it is only a total of six hours a week that he is even away! Plus, the time is nice to have to myself. (I am hoping it is going to be even better when we actually live in town and I can put my house together!) Mostly though, I have been thinking about how most people miss this time in their and their child's growth. They, usually, have another little one by this time and don't get to enjoy it. For that, I count myself blessed -and a little cursed. I love being able to be one-on-one with him still. At the same time, my heart aches because I long to have a baby to hold too (more specifically, for him to be a baby for me to hold still). But, I know they most grow up and out of our immediate lives. I hope I am able to give him this without too much hassle.

My thoughts as of late, have been very much around these concerns. I know my longing is due to want of a new little one. Therefore, it is making me cling to Kaine even more. Because I don' want to take it for granted if he is to be our last. I am trying to accept that this may be a possibility. I really do want to make it one of my goals to full-heartedly trust that what ever comes our way is what is suppose to be in our lives and is meant as a blessing. I really do have faith that if Kaine was to be our last, that, in the very least, we got it right the first time. He truly can't be improved upon, as far as natural temperament and ability goes. But how I would love to be able to give him someone else to love and play with! It's in God's hands and He knows my heart.

Hope

In the last post I said something about how we had to pay for the car. We don't, even though we have already. Since the car wasn't finished in time the car insurance is still responsible for paying for the rental. We will get all of our money back.

In other news, I tried to take pictures of all of the crafts that  I have been doing lately but, my camera sucks and it won't take anything but blurs. So, I will have to try again soon. I really wish my EOS was fixed. But I am hoping to get all of that done after the holidays (of course, when I won't need it, lol!).

Anyway, we are also taking it easy on the baby front. We are putting our faith in God that His timing is better than anything that we could possible imagine. I am still very hopeful of pregnancy but I am encouraged that God will not make me wait longer than I can handle.

I am also hoping that the new year and new location (we may be moving very soon) will bring on a new desire to start, at least, walking for health. I really do need to get something going. Even if it is not to look better but to FEEL better. I am also hoping that it is going to help my crazy hormone system regulate it self better. I think this is one of my biggest issues with my body and if I can help it along, in a good way, that will help me to feel better about the whole issue (of weight, period, food things and more).

So, I believe this new year is going to be bringing forth a multitude of new things for us. I hope they are all for the good of everyone in our little family.

Rental Car Woes

Today didn't start to well. Actually the bad vibes carried over from last night. I got a call from Enterprise telling me that we were now paying for the rental car ($40/day) since the 16th. Did I mention in was 6:10 p.m. on Friday evening and that I live in the boonies. So, of course we get charged for another day because we won't be able to get it in until the next day. We were suppose to pay $160.63 for the charges. I went in and talked to them and they were very helpful. I was very emotional. She gave me a "free day", so to speak. So that took $40 off the top. I ended up paying $120.63 for the rental. She gave me pointers on how we may be able to get the money back, seeing as how we were not informed that there would be a time limit on the car (30 days). The good, or silver lining, to the situation is that Matt was able to get someone on the phone from Nationwide (our car insurance company) and they were able to inform us that, if we call back Monday, they will be able to get clearance to reverse the money exchange and that they are still liable for coverage because the car wasn't done on time. (This is no fault of the place fixing the car, the parts were on back order and they had to schedule work around Thanksgiving and have been nothing but helpful.) It was just unneeded stress at a time that I was already feeling crummy.

I am hoping this week is going to be better and that the Christmas spirit will once again be revived. Here's to hoping.

Christmas

I'm just not feeling it this year. No matter how hard I try. And believe me I HAVE tried! I really thought Kaine would be more into it this year. He doesn't care. He likes the fact that we have a tree in the house and that he got to put shiny things on it. But, other than that, nothing. He hates Santa still because he TOTALLY doesn't get what Santa is about, no matter how many books we read about the jolly fat man. I hope next year is better.

The whole gift thing is getting to me too. I really hate that it is what it is. I want it to be about the true meaning of Christmas this year but, it's not here. I don't feel it. I don't see it. I tried to be positive about the whole thing (even all of the bad crap that has happened lately). I have tried to shrug it all off. It really didn't affect me until a few hours ago, when more bad news arrived. It was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. I just don't know how to get into the spirit and I am running out of time. Hopefully some last minute jolly-ness or hope will find it's way to me before it is too late.

Life, as of late

My computer has stopped working for a while. The battery has decided to crap out on us. I don't know when, or if we will even fix it. Although, since I am using it now, maybe my husband has already solved that problem?? Don't know. Just glad to be back online, at least for a few minutes.

Today I am doing some more Christmas shopping. Because I am crazy. And because I didn't get as much done earlier as I thought. BOO! But it is mostly for the older boys in the family (brother-in-laws, brothers, uncles, etc.). So, although we don't have a ton of money (really running way to low this month!) I want everyone to get a gift just to let them know we were thinking of them and so they don't feel left out. I just don't think it is right that you know people are coming for Christmas and there won't be anything under the tree for them. It's just not right in my book. ***I also want to state here that I DO NOT believe that gifts should be the focus of Christmas but the thought of doing good for others, is my whole point!***

Anyway. We went camping last weekend, just Matt and I. It was really nice and we had a wonderful weekend. We saw a ton of animals, even 7 deer at the same time! It was really nice and we really needed to get away. I really wish we could do this all the time!! LOL

My car is also not yet done. It still needs to be painted, as of yesterday morning. But that is all good. I really didn't think, with the holidays and what not, that it would be completed by the 13th. So, it's all good. I am hoping to get it back sometime early next week.

I have also been searching for a place to rent in Gainesville, to get our credit score up. I think I might have found one. I am going to go and look at it today. So, wish me luck!

Hopefully, I will be back on here before the end of the year but, if not, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Public Property

I am live again. Hopefully it won't cause the problems it did last time. Although, I still have a lot to say about all of that...I am going to keep a lid on it! Isn't censorship grand??

Anyway, I am hoping to be able to get more traffic here by being public. I don't think I should be censored or bottled up. Plus, I really enjoy knowing what others are going through in their own lives and I would like them to be able to see that they are not alone.

Here is to being able to still speak my mind without the crazies interfering.

The Real Story

I have been working on Christmas things around here lately. Plus, I have been sort of depressed too. This time of year always does it to me. My birthday brings on really bad memories of loss. It sometimes takes hold of me in a "death grip" style of grief. Especially if I am menstruating when I was REALLY hoping I was pregnant. (I mentioned hysterical pregnancy right!?) So depression sets in pretty heavy. But the bleeding has stopped and so has, obviously, my "hysterical pregnancy" (I really did convince myself that I was pregnant and didn't want to accept that I wasn't- I was even willing to convince myself that the blood test results "MUST be wrong!")

I told Matt after all of that that I  really didn't feel like trying again. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately want a baby, I just feel like I need to focus on something else, at least, for a month or so. So, hopefully the new year will bring about a better outlook and more opportunities for us to conceive.

On blog news, I feel like I am being censored by having a private blog. I really hate it. I really think that my blog should be out there for people who lurk and need to hear some sort of "alternative truth" (if you will) for the crap that we are fed in this county (about health, choices or raising a family). But, I also don't want to have to actually censor my thoughts in order to make it public again. Not to mention, that I am NOT going to go back and re-do or delete the "questionable content" that people were so up-in-arms about. I guess the only thing that I would have to do would be to not talk about MIL. Because, I am positive that she still searches for this blog, because, after all, she IS nosy and pretends to be interested when she really isn't (so she can use it against you when you least expect it). Is there a way to safely, without disrupting other family member ties, to distance yourself from someone? I really do feel like I need to learn this art. I literally will be standing thinking, as something is coming out of my mouth, "Why in God's name are you telling her this!?" I think I need more friends! lol I am working on that!   <---See it is impossible to even mention the problem without letting out some steam! UGH!

Anyway, I am thinking about making a purely pregnancy blog, when the time comes. I really, REALLY want to be able to be out there about our choices. I think it will help others come to a better, more personal birth decision for themselves and their families. Of course, because no one (other than about 2 people) that I know will actually support me in our decision to go unassisted, it will be anonymous and not linked to this one, unless it is under "blogs I like and you might like too". So, look for me to let you know more about that too.

I am thinking the blog is going to go public sometime next week. You may get email updates, so I can keep it sort of private. We will see...