The Real Story

I have been working on Christmas things around here lately. Plus, I have been sort of depressed too. This time of year always does it to me. My birthday brings on really bad memories of loss. It sometimes takes hold of me in a "death grip" style of grief. Especially if I am menstruating when I was REALLY hoping I was pregnant. (I mentioned hysterical pregnancy right!?) So depression sets in pretty heavy. But the bleeding has stopped and so has, obviously, my "hysterical pregnancy" (I really did convince myself that I was pregnant and didn't want to accept that I wasn't- I was even willing to convince myself that the blood test results "MUST be wrong!")

I told Matt after all of that that I  really didn't feel like trying again. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately want a baby, I just feel like I need to focus on something else, at least, for a month or so. So, hopefully the new year will bring about a better outlook and more opportunities for us to conceive.

On blog news, I feel like I am being censored by having a private blog. I really hate it. I really think that my blog should be out there for people who lurk and need to hear some sort of "alternative truth" (if you will) for the crap that we are fed in this county (about health, choices or raising a family). But, I also don't want to have to actually censor my thoughts in order to make it public again. Not to mention, that I am NOT going to go back and re-do or delete the "questionable content" that people were so up-in-arms about. I guess the only thing that I would have to do would be to not talk about MIL. Because, I am positive that she still searches for this blog, because, after all, she IS nosy and pretends to be interested when she really isn't (so she can use it against you when you least expect it). Is there a way to safely, without disrupting other family member ties, to distance yourself from someone? I really do feel like I need to learn this art. I literally will be standing thinking, as something is coming out of my mouth, "Why in God's name are you telling her this!?" I think I need more friends! lol I am working on that!   <---See it is impossible to even mention the problem without letting out some steam! UGH!

Anyway, I am thinking about making a purely pregnancy blog, when the time comes. I really, REALLY want to be able to be out there about our choices. I think it will help others come to a better, more personal birth decision for themselves and their families. Of course, because no one (other than about 2 people) that I know will actually support me in our decision to go unassisted, it will be anonymous and not linked to this one, unless it is under "blogs I like and you might like too". So, look for me to let you know more about that too.

I am thinking the blog is going to go public sometime next week. You may get email updates, so I can keep it sort of private. We will see...