Preschool Days

I am amazed at how much Kaine has changed over the last month. School has seemed to make him more independent in play. He is so inventive. His imagination is amazing and awesome! Which I am very glad about, it was one of my biggest issues - you gotta have imagination! But, then again, this is the time when "cognitive development" booms. So, it may be just one thing or the other or both together.

He is doing much better with the drop-off issue too. I had a talk with the school director and was given a book about separation anxiety. We were able to come up with a plan that works for everyone. We decided (Matt and I, after talking with the school) that taking Kaine on Friday's would probably be helpful, because he was only going Monday and Wednesday. We thought that the gap between Wednesday and Monday was too big. It seemed to help right away. I took him in on Friday (almost didn't-I thought the change in rooms and teacher would make it worse). He barely cried when we walked in and as soon as they closed the half-door behind him he was all about playing. Monday and today he whimpered about not going when we got on the street where the school is but as soon as I parked he would say, "I get out. Play kids." Which I thought was VERY encouraging. Today I purposely took him in a little after nine to see if it would be easier to leave him if other kids were there (I had been having a horrible time with timing the drive and seemed to always be 10-15 minutes early- this increased anxiety because we were sitting there staring at the building and I was talking about going in and leaving him). So, leaving him was really good this time. I walked in and dropped him off with the teacher, gave him a hug and told him I would be back in a little while, "Go and play with the kids" type of leaving. Then turned and walked out, purposely not lingering (I had been making the mistake of staying, for my own comfort, to make sure he was not traumatized). He did wonderfully, a little clingy at the hug point and a few whines but as soon as I got to the sign-in table I couldn't hear him at all (the table is right next to his classroom door).

Pick-up today was good too. I was the first one there, finally. (I thought that being the first would help to not prolong the pick-up crying.) It turns out I was right. He wasn't crying when I went to the door, there was another, new kid, crying (I thought those cry's were covering Kaine's). He was just playing, however, as soon as he saw me he started to cry (I really would like to know the physiology behind this-he has always done this, as little as 6 months old).

All-in-all we had a really good day. I am glad that he is able to be away for a few hours and have new experiences. He seems to have really grown by it. He can walk up and down small steps by himself now. He asks for help (something we have been working on). He will say, "Need help". He also says, "Kaine's turn" when he wants to play with something that I have or wants a new toy from someone else (this is also something I have always said to him, after demonstrating a toy or trying to engage him in play). I am glad to see that he has been listening and that the lessons that I hoped he was learning are now being used in the proper manner. I also asked him what he did in school today and he said, "I shared", which was a really cute and nice answer to get!

Laying the Right Foundation

I absolutely have not been feeling well lately. I have actually been sick since Saturday afternoon and am currently trying to get over a wicked sinus infection or cold (?). But I have also felt like I am really isolated from everyone. I really want to be a good friend, partner, mom and whatever else I am suppose to be, I just don't want to sacrifice any of "me". I am currently looking for a compromise situation. Something that will make me happy and help with the relationships in my life. What I got going now, doesn't seem to be working. (However, a part of me wants to scream that people also need to give a little and be willing to see my side of things - which, truthfully, seems to be what I am struggling with).

Things I would like to achieve:

• Be a better friend
• Be a better do-er
• Organize (thoughts, possessions, chores...)
• Help develop a well rounded individual
• Set and REACH goals
• Be nicer
• Compromise more
• Do things for the greater good
• Learn to appreciate people for who they are, not what I expect them to be
• Be less open (emotionally)
• Set a good example
• Lay the right foundations
• Ask for help
• Appreciate help
• Grow, mend and give back

Lot's of things to work on. At least Matt and I are back to normal. I even can't wait for him to be around and, lately, have REALLY been wanting to cuddle (so not me!). But, of course, I have been sick and I tend to get that way when I am not feeling too great. (But there is also the this very important issue of not making the bread winner sick *wink*). 

I just want you to know that if you have been feeling the cold shoulder lately, things are on the up-and-up. The Sun is coming out!!

TV Article

I found the following article about exposing your kids to media. I thought it made some pretty good points. I was pretty much like "Kaine will never watch TV or have it on constantly". I have pretty much failed because I love the songs that he learns and, not to mention, all of the educational tools that PBS provides. (We are big on PBS around here.) I still do think that he is way over exposed, but I also think that it has it's place. He also loves to read books and is well tended to during the day. The TV does not act like an "electronic babysitter". So, everything in moderation with wise choices and parental supervision is my (complicated) motto. Here is the article:

Turnoff Week, formerly Turn-off TV Week and now in its ninth year, calls for people around the world to turn off their electronics, disengage from digital media and take a moment to think, read and create. It's an important message, but one that is far too simplistic. If we simply turn off for a week, what will change? Will that help us make better choices about how our families use media?

The reality is that media consumption is increasing for kids, across many platforms, including television, web, videogames and mobile. It's critical to consider not only the amount of time kids are spending with these screens, but what kind of experiences they are having when they are watching, surfing, playing and socializing. Instead of challenging families to simply flip the switch off, we need to help parents make informed decisions about what gets turned on -- because the right media choices can make a difference in helping children reach their full potential.

Moderation is an important part of the solution, but we should not forget that media companies producing for children bear the responsibility of creating content that engages, entertains, challenges and educates children. Thoughtful, well-produced and researched media is readily available and the evidence that it can support childhood education is well documented. We know from research by the University of Pennsylvania at Annenberg that media that is carefully designed can be a boon to kids' learning. For example, watching as few as two episodes of the PBS KIDS series Super WHY! resulted in children scoring 46% higher on standardized tests than children who did not watch the show. And it's not just on TV -- another recent study found vocabulary improved by as much as 31 percent in children who played with an iPhone application based on the PBS series Martha Speaks. Media has the power to open doors for children, encouraging their natural curiosity and sparking creativity. Let's work together to maximize the quality of the time our kids spend with screens, to help them reach their highest potential.

Lesli Rotenberg is Senior Vice President of Children's Media at PBS, and a mother of two media-savvy daughters.

Relationships

After Matt and I's upsetting and surprising talk we have been doing tons better. So much so, that it feels like it did when we were dating (or first married!). Such a plus. I think the turning point, for me, is that I got to see how upset he would be if I did leave. I think I needed to see it, not just know it, you know? (I am a freak!) I didn't want to upset him (I really didn't think it would) but benefited, literally overnight, by his emotional outburst. I was having a problem connecting with him because I felt that he was just doing things to make me happy, not stuff he wanted to do (did that make sense?). I am even able to be more affectionate now! This is HUGE for me! HUGE, I tell you! I love it and hope that we continue to outwardly love each other! Kaine, I believe, would benefit too.

Okay, now for my preschool stuff. I think I am making Kaine have anxiety attacks. I try and hide my anxiety about dropping him off. Which is brought on by a cycle of things. I anticipate that he is going to be upset, therefore, I get anxious. In turn, he gets anxious because we are well bonded and he can read me like a book! Why do I feel like this? Because he is hysterical when I drop him off (with pounding heart and all). They tell me (and even took pictures) that he is perfectly fine all day. When I come to pick him up he is crying again (I have yet to be the first parent to pick up, so Kaine starts to cry when the other kids leave). But he does tell me about his day and says that he has fun. I just think he is anticipating me leaving and my feelings about him being upset. The good thing is, although he cry's when I drop him off he is getting better while I am away. He whined a little bit the first few days, yesterday he didn't cry at all. Good news to me. Plus, I had a conversation with his teachers and told them I was conserned that they were not doing enough to engage him. I told them that they couldn't just tell him "to stop crying" they had to do something about it. The older teacher took him under her wing and made him her "special helper". She said he was really helpful (I could have told her that, lol!) and that he did really well. Before this, all of the feedback I was getting was, "He did fine". SO, not good enough! But, it seems to be on the up-and-up. I just have to figure out how to handle the emotional outbursts without damaging Kaine's and I's relationship or damaging his image of school (something he will probably have 20+ years of).

Working the Grape Vine

Lately I have been in a very big crafting mood. Fall brings it on, never fails! This is the time of year I like to call "craft season". So, before 9am this morning what was I doing? I was outside, of course, pulling down grape vines! (If you know anything about me, you got the sarcasm in that sentence!) I was randomly reading "Country Wisdom" and came upon grape vine baskets and wreaths. I have further been inspired by my Google search on grape vines. I then thought, "Hey! My yard is overrun with wild grape vines!" The only reason I would even think of pulling the vines down are because there is an overabundance and it won't hurt the eco-environment that I am currently in. They grow back really fast. (Now that that hippie moment is over. It really has more to do with my Native American blood than anything else.)

So, I have many plans. I want to make a few natural wreaths. A few small grape vine pumpkins. A Christmas tree (because I like to have real trees but don't actually like to pay for them! Hence, the Charlie Brown tree we cut down last year). Also anything else that I can come up with. Maybe some small ornaments or something to give as gifts? Or keep? Or even sell? I don't know. I tend to like my creations too much! LOL This site has a lot of wonderful ideas (and things for sale!).

I also am going to be on the lookout for wild grapes. We assumed that they fruited in the summer, but they are fall fruiting plants. I just have to wait for the leaves to turn yellow. I also have to hope that the millions of birds around don't eat them all (I just want a few!).

Well, I am off to check out some more things to do with grape vines!!

I am finally feeling like myself again. A lot of stress has been lifted off of me. Here's the list:

• I'm not pregnant
• I can still try and lose weight
• The methods of how I was losing weight are not going to be affecting a baby
• Matt and I are finally connecting
• I am not holding anything back from Matt

Things still to do:

• Have a civilized conversation with Matt's mom about the rumors she has heard about my blog

(yeah, and you read that right. She hasn't even read my blog! She was just told all of this stupid stuff (some of which is not even on here!) But she has taken it for truth. She refuses to come and talk to me about it. She is being really petty and prolonging something that could have been well on the mend.)

Anyway, I am starting to feel better about things. I am happy that I am able to go and continue with my weight loss. I really do want to be a lot smaller before I get pregnant. You already have to have all of this weight put on you when you are pregnant and I don't want to be carrying around too much extra. So, now I am thinking that I would like to wait until January to get pregnant. I know right, always changing my mind! LOL But I figured if we start about that time it would:

• Give me even more time to lose weight
• I could get into better shape (especially posture wise)
• The baby would not be due until October (pretty much my favorite month!)
• That would also make a good month because no one's birthday is near there (except for Jordan's at the end of the month) 

So, here's to happy times coming up!

Rumor mill

I am feeling really bad about what I posted earlier. I just thought he was ready to hear my side of things. I don't know how to fix it. I don't believe in giving in. I just want everything to fix its self. I feel like I am back in high school and I said something that went against the grain and it got turned into a rumor and now everyone hates me and doesn't even know what the real story is.

I don't know what to do.

The truth seems to hurt others

It turns outs that even the people you think you can tell the horrible truth to, actually don't want to hear it anyway. My life is total crap right now. On ALL fronts. (Well, except for Kaine, he is my only joy. And, for my family, for once there is not drama there).

I use this blog to get my true feelings out. Mostly because I have a problem expressing myself (well, not really but I have a problem getting my actual point across). I don't understand why everyone thinks that this little thing is such a big deal. I feel like I am surrounded, on all sides, by inconsiderate and selfish people. No one seems to value my opinion (or truth about my feelings). It turns out, that no one really wants to know what I am thinking and feeling. They just want me to pretend everything is okay.

I understand that people try to provide the right world. But at what cost are you trying to keep up your pretenses that everything is grand? I guess when all of your needs are being met and you are truly the master of your own choices and can do whatever you like, you really are happy. Maybe I am just feeling a little too dependent.

I told Matt that we no longer have an emotional connection. I asked him what he thought about this, to which he respond with angry tears. I was totally disappointed. I don't think he got the point, AT ALL. If he did, that would not have been his answer. What I was saying is this:
We don't have an emotional connection. I feel like I like you as a person, but I don't "like you, like you". I also said that the state of where we are is like when you are dating someone for a while and it is no longer there. You aren't mad, you just know it is time to move on. You will still like the person after you are done with the relationship but, it just didn't work out. I said that if we weren't married it would be really easy for me to walk away. (It sounds harsh, but in the context of the conversation this is where we were going.)

I was saying this in order to get it out so we could work on this aspect of our relationship. I am pretty pissed off that the realization of these words were met with shock, anger and unrestrained emotion (which isn't really an issue). But it proves my point too. The fact that that was his reaction proves that he has no idea what is going on in my life. He hasn't taken any emotional stock for a while. Surely, he can't think I am happy. I can't stand that he seems to have a shallow outlook on life (like work is all for him- more on this later). He likes what I stand for (with some exceptions) but doesn't really stand for anything himself. He just lets everyone else make the hard decisions. I understand he has a lot on his plate. He provides EVERYTHING for us. I am grateful for this. I don't think he believes this, however. I do the best I can do.

A part of me feels like his job, one that he loves (which I am happy about and don't even want to say what I am thinking) is just shallow and vain. A lot of it is how I see myself. I have a horrible body image problem (I have since I was a teenager). I feel pressured into fitting into a mold (even though most people there don't care what the trainers spouses look like, I know of at least one that looks like I do). I just feel like it is another aspect of something that is coming between us. This is COMPLETELY my fault. I understand that. But, I tend to take it out on him. I know he loves his job and I hate that I even feel like this and that it ruins his image for me. Insecurities truly suck. I wish I could turn it off. I am sorry for the way this makes me look at Matt and I am ashamed of myself. I can't take joy in anything that he cares about because I feel so insecure about even talking about personal training and the way people are suppose to look (for health). I feel like I represent everything that is wrong with the people who don't care about what they look like. Let themselves go, if you will.

Whatever...I am done with this for the day. Probably more to come later.

Why the Privacy

As you have noticed, my blog is now private. I didn't want to do this, but unfortunate events have lead to this unfortunate outcome. I have snoopers, in other words. People who don't really care about what I say, they just want to take what I say (to the people I say it about) and spread it around for their own amusement. Therefore, things have been taken out of context and used to humiliate others. Completely not the point of my blog (which, as it turns out, I thought no one read-I would rather no one read it if this is to be the outcome!).

My blog is about me. In raw form. I have to have a safe place to vent out my personality. I have to be able to say whatever I want to say, no matter how cruel, hurtful, honest, funny, lovable or whatever that it might come out to be. If I don't, I will go crazy.

I was not out to get anyone. I will not apologize. If you took what I said and made it something, that is your problem. Out of respect for myself and my blog I have made it private. I don't want to have to defend what I write. That is not the point. I have not done this to say sorry or make amends. I believe it will be used as a source of evil if it is allowed to be dragged into the petty realms of others. I will not allow this!

I am sorry to my blog, however. You were never suppose to be a pent-up animal. A part of me wanted people to be able to read my words and see where I was coming from. A true look, into myself, if you will. Well, people have used it as a tool to hurt others and have not considered where I was coming from-not even in the slightest! I am truly offended. I am glad the truth (of how I feel) is out there (even though it should have never been out there like that in the first place-if you were actually reading what you were using as your weapon of destruction you would have known that!).

It all comes down to the fact that people are petty. You can't trust them, after all. If you show your true colors, people will attack you. No matter what you point of view is or is meant to be. (I am not sure I truly believe that second statement, but I do feel like I have been attacked. I do not feel like there was any true cause. I feel like a weapon that people have used to damage another.)

So, Pregnancy

***First let me say that I apologize for the last post. You didn't need that in your life!***

So...here we are again. I think I might be pregnant. Of course, I have thought this more than once. (You can do the leg work and look up old post, lol!) Anyway. I have been tracking my period for close to a year now. I have not seen any real pattern in the madness of said cycle. However, I never miss two periods in a row. And, according to my 30+ day cycle, I would have missed my second one on Tuesday (I have an every-other-cycle). Plus, I am really moody (not that the people in my life really help that!). I keep feeling pretty tired in the evenings (I want to go to bed at like 7pm every night, lol).

The weird thing is, my boobs don't really hurt all that much. They are just achy, off and on. They were super painful the first time around. So much so (after a million prego tests that were negative) I went to the doctor and had a breast exam and a poking around of my lymph nodes (don't even get me started on the horrible experience that that was!). I am really thirsty too. Not that I think that has anything to do with my boobs. Matt also says that my girlie parts "feel pregnant". When asked to elaborate he says, "more swollen". Which I have noticed too (a very pregnant sign for me!). TMI Alert- also, I have been extra moist lately. So much so that when I get up from sleep that I have to immediately go to the bathroom so I don't make a mess. That sounds like I exaggerated, it's not really that bad, just noticeable when it otherwise was not before. 


My biggest indicator, other than no period, would be the heaviness that I am feeling in my uterus parts. Although, I have been chalking that up to pre-menstrual symptoms. Which could be what I am feeling with the rest of my symptoms, as well. But, this feels different. I don't know, I have said that before also. Plus, I don't have any of the other "medical" signs of pregnancy. Like these: Goodell's sign, Chadwick's sign, Hegar's sign or Ladin's sign (not that this one would be something that I could determine myself anyway).

Matt said I should go and get a blood test. I have taken over the counter tests. But, we all know what good that does for me. So, I don't know if I am going to or not. I wanted to wait until the end of September to make sure I am not going to be having a period. But, I really feel pregnant (and nauseous, but not to bad). So, I don't know still.

Angry post (title changes due to unbecoming language)

I am so sick of people telling me what I can and cannot do. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! I have my own life, go get yours.

I think I have finally hit my breaking point. I really AM quite ready to give it to the first person that walks into my path looking for a fight. I WILL give it to the next person to walk into my path looking for a fight!

I am SO done being this person that is suppose to be all "turn the other cheek" and "do it for the greater good". Well, this is what I have to say about that:

*statement has been deleted because I was very angry and the language that I used is not appropriate for anyone to hear. I am fully ashamed of myself. I beg your forgiveness.*

Now that I have that off my chest, yes, I do feel better! 

Kaine's 1st Day of Preshool Pictures

I know I don't usually post pictures but this background was to cute to pass up. Here is a smattering of pictures from Kaine's first day of Preschool!
I don't know why it is showing those other two pages on there first, just go to the last page and you will see the pictures. I tried to fix it, but apparently, I have no idea how to do that!

First Day of Preschool

Today was Kaine's first day of preschool. He goes to the First United Methodist Preschool downtown on 1st Street. I think there are only like 5 other kids in his class, which is nice. He goes from nine to noon. He was really excited about it. I have been talking to him about it for weeks now. Even went to the library and got all of the "back to school" books that they had on the shelf. I started telling him last night that I was going to drop him off at school and "Kaine is going to stay and Mommy is going to go bye-bye. Okay?" I wasn't sure he got it the first time. By the second (or was it third?) he was saying, "Okay, Kaine stay and Mommy go bye-bye". Which was great. I still didn't really think that he got what I was talking about.

So, now comes the day to put it to the test. We got there early, because I thought there was going to be traffic and there was not. So, we were 30 minutes early. But, they have a really great park right across the street and we played with the other kids that were waiting for school to open. When nine rolled around we headed for the building. Kaine was really impatient to go inside and didn't like waiting in the line for them to open the door (they lock the door before, during and after school). When the door was open, Kaine was fussing about going into the class room. As Matt and I signed him in, he made his own way through the crowd to his classroom (which he remembered where it was!). By the time we got there (a few moments later) he had already made his way to the carpet and pulled down the big truck toy. He was completely carefree. Matt and I considered just backing out (after telling the staff how to use cloth diapers, lol). But, I didn't want him to look up and we be gone and then he not want to go to school anymore (because, after all, Mommy and Daddy disappear when I go in this room). That would be tragic! So, we walked over to him and gave him a kiss and a hug and told him bye. He barely moved and quickly went right back to playing with his toy truck.

Surprisingly, I was fine this whole time. I did have some butterflies when I was driving in to town. But I knew that I had prepared him and that I was prepared to leave. I was glad that he really did seem to be ready for this day and was excited for it to finally be there. When I left the building, this is when it hit me. I felt instantly lonely! I started to cry. Not to bad, I kept it in check. It was still a big step for me. I think I might have actually lost it if Matt wasn't there (I was embarrassed and he helped me pull it together!).

I went and worked out at the gym and took a shower. Got some gas and an iced mocha from a Starbucks that I passed (because I had time to kill). I was even able to sit outside for a while at the Starbucks, it was pretty nice to have some time to myself. Then I headed back to get Kaine. It ended up that I can't tell time and was there 30 minutes early! I thought I would be right on time. Anyway, I waited until I saw the director open up the door for the school until I got out of the car. Apparently, other parents were early too and Kaine was one of the last ones to be picked up. As soon as I walked into the door I heard him crying from the main door. He was saying, "I wan to go bye-bye!". He had seen all of the other kids leaving and didn't understand what was going on. Poor guy. I talked to the teacher and she said he did fine. They did have some trouble with the diapering situation but, are willing to work with it. (Bless them!) So, next week will be a  full week for him (two whole days!). I think he will do just fine.

This is what Kaine says they did at school today (as he said it):

• Play toys
• Ready "Book Story"
• Play Sand
• Eat yummy snack
• Sing and Clap (to which he kept saying, "Mommy sing song!")
• Have juice

He also came home with a sticker, which he kept pointing out. It was too funny!

Some of the issues: Explained

Okay, well I feel like I am in a better place now and can talk about things more clearly. Over the last month, more things than I have energy to explain here, have happened. I was trying to be the bigger person and not just react to situations and blow up. (I honestly think I should be commended for this, since, it is seriously one of my biggest weakness!).

I think I have finally made a decision about midwifery school. I have decided not to go. I am not sure if this is going to be a permanent decision or not. I might come back to it later in life. I have decided that I really want a family oriented job and one that will still allow me to be with my kids while they are growing (you only have so much time, after all). So, I think, and I say this with much trepidation, that I am going to go back to teaching. I think my biggest issue with all of this is 1) I know I can be an awesome midwife and change lives and push the rules, 2) I have a bad history with "normal" education, 3) When I was in the teaching program before, my heart wasn't in it (it almost bored me to tears). However, on further review I have decided that this is what the good points in this career would be:

1. I will be away from my kids for approximately the same time they have to be away from me every day.
2. I will have summers off (when they are out of school too)
3. I can possible teach at a private school and therefore, get a tuition break
4. It will be a schedule that I can change with the age of my children (if they are in preschool then I can teach preschool and work half days. When they are all on 8-3 days I can work that too)

So, I still feel guilt about not being a rebel midwife and challenging the position of the current birth climate in Florida. But, like I said, there is always time later. Just because I am older, doesn't mean that I can't change my career.

Signs of Depression

I feel really conflicted lately. I don't really know what to do about it. I need to make some major decisions and I really don't want to. These are life changing decisions that effect more than just me. I really don't even know what to say about it. All I do know is that this sitting around and doing nothing about it is only making it worse.

I think a big part of me feels like a failure. Like I have been down this road so many times and I really am tired of coming back to this path. I am afraid of what people are going to say or worse are thinking (which is making it worse because I like to think that what other people think of me just doesn't matter - which, apparently, isn't true).

It also doesn't help that I have people in my life (MIL) that think they know what is best for everyone and want to control everything! I am just so frustrated with everything. I am not being myself. I want to tell people off and I am holding back because I feel like it just isn't my place. Plus, I don't want to put strain on relationships that have been really helpful to us and (unfortunately) we are going to need down the road.

Most of the time, lately, I just want to scream or cry or just plain hide. This is not even remotely good for me - I am prone to depression. I just am not sure what to do. I need some support. But, I don't know where to look. I think, mostly, that it is something (or things) that I just have to deal with. What I really want is for someone to tell me what to do. Then I can say, "Okay, I will do that". But, of course, then you give up any type of creative control and are subjected to judgment and unnecessary criticism. 

I really just don't know what to do. I know this message was cryptic, I will try to explain more about the details of the decisions that I am trying to make in a later post. *Sigh*