Our Circumcision Decision

 I have to say this was an ongoing discussion for us (when I was convinced we were having a boy before "technology" told me I was wrong--so much for that! Intuition wins!). I honestly have to say that I did not want it to happen. I was really uncomfortable with the fact that my son's sexual organ was going to be mutilated for aesthetic reasons. I made Matt do a ton of research. He was on the fence about it at first too. He said that he didn't know what the issue was. I said that even doctors are saying it is unnecessary now.

Anyway, he did research. We had discussions about how boys are when someone is different in gym class. We had discussions about how women feel about it. We even talked about it to his friend Dave who is not circumcised and got his opinion. So, in the end I was not convinced. Matt wanted it to happen. His biggest argument was that it wasn't clean and the potential for infection was paramount, in his view. He also argued that some women/girls are grossed out by it. I was not convinced of the latter, especially since women and men, I think, would both get more sexual satisfaction. Anyway, I consented and made it a "boy" issue. Meaning, he was a guy and I would make it his department because we were having a boy and he would ultimately be the one having to deal with it down the road.

I have to say I was never comfortable with it. When they asked us about it in the hospital (our pediatrician came to check on him and perform if) I was totally defensive and dismissive and gave it a quick, "Just do it and get it over with!" and a fearful, "You aren't going to do it in here are you!?" I was totally avoiding the issue! I didn't want to have ANY part in it! AT ALL! I wrote the whole thing off. Honestly, I was truly fearful. I didn't want to have to make a decision that my son might regret later in life. At the same time, I didn't know how to take care of a child without a circumcision and Matt had convinced me that it was an illness prone zone. When our pediatrician asked us if we wanted him to do it in the hospital or when we brought him in to the office, I freaked! I was like, "No way! You have to do it now or not at all!" I knew I would not go through with it if I had to stand there and watch it happen. I was a coward! Now, looking back on it, I know I didn't have enough information and that is why I was fearful. I also felt that it wasn't my place, not being a boy and all.

Then, we thought we were having a girl and we figured the whole thing was settled. So much for that! Next time, I think I will put up a bigger fight and take a more, lets-see-how-he-feels-about-it-when-he-is-old-enough-to-make-his-own-decisions stance! Which is pretty much how I raise him now. I don't even like to part his hair a certain way because I don't want to make such personal decisions for him! I honestly think we have taken a huge personal decision away from him and we should not have been so hasty. Actually, I should not have been so fearful and should have done more research and not written it off and left if up to Matt. In Matt's defense, he did do research and he felt he was making the best choice, all things considered. So, at least I am comfortable with that. If he was just saying to do it just to do it, I would be beating myself up now. At least he was well informed and made the best decision he could.

Vaccine Update and other Stuff

We have decided to go ahead and get the exemption, just so we can follow our current schedule. I don't know how the school will react to this, however, that is not a motivating factor. If anything, I can look into home-school preschool stuff for us to play around with. The only thing that will be missing is his exposure to other children, which was really the point. He is so ready to be in a social situation. So, school is on a wait-and-see type of track.

We went to Matt's parents house and left the binky and blanket by accident. I wasn't all that worried, until he kept asking for it when he got tired. I tried to rock him with milk, lay down with him and sing some of his favorite songs (this did make him stop crying and listen to the song, until it was over anyway). I finally had to put him in the car and drive around the neighborhood with the Peter Pan on CD playing in the car (Thanks Jessica!). That did it! He slept until 3am. He, however, did NOT go back down after that and we drove home in the fog and wee hours with a fussy baby and two tired and irritated adults! It was not fun. Mostly, I felt really bad for him. His poor little heart was broken, it was so incredibly sad! This experience has really made me not look forward to the time (which I thought was now) for him to get rid of his binky. Ugh, now I have no idea how we are going to do it or get through it! Poor little guy.

On another note. I have discovered how to make chai and cook baked goods without eggs! The chia was easy until I had to figure out how to drain it with cheesecloth. That was not fun. Then, I grew a brain and put it in the juicer and got some really good chia out of it! So yummy! Then, we wanted to make cake and didn't have eggs. So, Matt remembered you could use bananas and I couldn't remember if that was for eggs or not, so this site to the rescue! We made a yummy vanilla, banana cake!

New Bed Update

Kaine has been sleeping through the night. I completely give credit to the new bed. I knew this would happen but, I was nervous about putting him in such a big bed by himself. I didn't want him to feel out of place or, worse, fall out on his head! I have to say that he only fell out once. He has gotten up a few times. He even took us for an adventure in bedtime play-land. He now goes straight down. Goes to sleep on his own (which he has been good about doing since he was 8 or 9 months old). AND the best part of all, sleeps ALL NIGHT LONG! It is a true miracle. MIRACLE I tell you!

I was hoping and thinking this was going to happen and to my delight, it has! I still have fear that writing in down is going to jinx it. It seemed to last time. After I wrote it on here, it was the worse night of the sleep/play battle! He didn't go to bed until almost 11 pm! That is REALLY late for him! Especially since his bedtime is 8pm! It then fixed it self the next night. He went straight to bed and we, surprisingly, didn't hear another peep from him until morning. He slept until 8:30! It was a great night! Much needed to.

I think I am the only person that has a two year old that has just now started to sleep through the night. Don't get me wrong, there have been nights when he has slept but, never in a row! I always think, when I get up with him, that he would have made a great breast-feeder too. And would probably still be doing it if we would not have had so much trouble and interventions at the beginning. (He was for a while still getting up in the middle of the night for a milk cup. I tried to break him of this habit, but after 2 nights of constant screaming or waking up every hour, I gave in. Especially one night when I went in after him crying for an hour and heard his stomach growling and felt the most horrible guilt in the entire world! I just resolved to take the 5 minutes to give him a cup and hope that one day, he would not need it anymore.)

A new adventure will be starting soon. Potty training. However, I do not plan to do this, probably, for another month or so. I will be reading up on it in the meantime.

Vaccinations

Since we had Kaine and before, when we were pregnant, we considered vaccinations. I read "What your Doctor May Not Tell You about Vaccines" which lead me to want to boycott all vaccinations. I had a conviction that avoiding all vaccinations just "wasn't right for us". But I would be dammed if I was going to follow the Florida Schedule of Vaccination or "Baby Shot" Schedule! Here it is for reference: (From this link)

Birth
Hep B
2 months
DTaP, Hep B, Hib, IPV, PCV, Rotavirus
4 months
DTaP, Hib, IPV, PCV, Rotavirus
6 months
DTaP, Hep B, Hib, IPV, PCV, Rotavirus, Flu
12-15 months
MMR, Varicella, PCV, Hib, Hep B
12-18 months
DTaP
15-18 months
Hep A
4-5 years
DTaP, IPV, MMR, Varicella


Looks pretty harmless. Although, that is not usually what you get. I don't remember there only being ONE shot for my newborn! Do you? Then, at the birth I was pretty out of it and Matt came to our son's rescue when the nursing staff was trying to give him a bunch of junk. He did get the vitamin K, after informed consent, because I read that babies are not born with that and only need it if they go through a traumatic birth and are displaying bruising, which he had, on both accounts. So, I said yes to that (I was glad I was previously informed, mind you, no one gave me any information about it). Plus, it helped that he had a supportive staff that would not make negative comments, they would just put it away and let us know we would have to sign a form so they would have it on file that we were the ones that refused care and not that they did not offer it. We were happy to sign.

Anyway, the point of this post is the fact that we didn't follow the vaccination "recommended schedule" . We had a modified one. I would only allow one shot per visit. Not the six that they wanted to give my 2 month old that was barely old enough to hold his head up! That is too much for a little one to try and fight off! I was seriously uncomfortable with it. I would also only allow another shot, as long as, it had been 2 weeks from the previous one and there were no reactions to it. (Most of my motivation was the research between Autism and vaccines that is constantly being backed up!)

Let me just say, that I am not a rebel. I wanted to work with my pediatrician, who is on board with our schedule and has never given me any grief about it! I am not necessarily apposed to vaccinations, I just don't believe in the schedule. Or some of the vaccinations such as, the Hep B and the Varicella (chicken pox)  vaccines, which could cause more harm than good.

So, what is bringing this issue up now? Well, Kaine is going to start school in the fall. They need him to be up-to-date on all of his shots. If not, no school. We have agreed, with pediatrician approval, that we can wait until the age of five for the shots we have refused. However, the schedule is what they want to see in his school folder. I seriously doubt that my pediatrician will give me a written exemption for this too. So, what are we to do now? I have been researching ways of getting around making him have a bunch of shots in the 2 months before school. We would be living at the pediatricians, because he is not a the schedule and would have to start new shots while also trying to keep up with the other shots he has already had. The only option I have seen, however, is to stop vaccinating altogether. Go here for Florida Exemption Information. It kind of freaks me out, to be honest. Even though a part of me also believes that maybe we are buying into a corporation that just wants us to fear something that is no longer an issue and is a major money maker for them. The truth is just not out there on this issue. There are also, major, documented side effects that the "people in the know" are not wanting you to know about. What do you do? Do you take the risk in order to avoid the slight risk of diseases that have been extinct for years or even decades?

I am on the fence. I believe that vaccines have there place. I believe that vaccines have saved a million lives. I also believe that we are overpopulating the world and that natural selection is being toyed with. Not that I advocate people dying from horrible diseases. I just believe that things happen for a reason and for the greater good. God knows what He is doing, maybe we should just have faith. Trust me, it was going to happen no matter how many shots you have given yourself or your children. Ever heard of super bugs? That is because we are overusing our technology and abusing what is suppose to be helping us. I think we should just use it in emergency situations and not be required to take drugs that we do not have illnesses for.

I think, either way, we are going to get the religious exemption. Even if it is so we can stay on our current plan and our own personal vaccination schedule. Still on the fence.  Here are some other sites for you to paruse:

K.N.O.W Vaccines - Your Rights to Avoid Immunizations
State of Florida Site on Vaccinations

Bed Update

Kaine is sleeping better. I have been avoiding using the "sleeping through the night" comment. I am afraid that I will jinx it! I hope writing it doesn't jinx it! I have noticed that he is sleeping better now. This is what I have thought was going to happen.

Here is the downside:

Getting him to go to bed has become the biggest hassle! Sometimes you have to lay with him. Then he slowly drifts away. Sometimes you just have to keep getting up and putting him back in the bed. Tonight, Matt put him down. He even laid with him until he fell asleep. About 30 minutes later, we hear him calling from his room. I go in, he asks for milk. I think all is good. I think another 20-30 minutes goes by and we hear him calling me again. I go in and put him back in bed. I sit on the side of the bed and even turn the night light thing on, sometimes that is all that he needs. I then pretend to fall asleep (this is usually what will get him to go back to bed when he wakes up to early and I put him in bed with me). He gets quieter. I think I was not being patient and thought he was calm enough for me to leave. I tell him goodnight, thinking he is going to stay in bed and go to sleep. I walk away. Two minutes go by and I hear him flick the light on. I go in and pick him up and tell him he needs to lay down and go to sleep. I think I even said, "That is enough!" in a stern, not harsh, voice. I stay outside his room for a minute to make sure he was going to stay in bed. As I write this, it has been about 10 minutes. I think hope he is going to stay in bed this time.

I think, maybe, he has figured out that we stay up past his bedtime now. This is what is making him think he can stay up. Then again, it might just be the fact that he knows he can get out of bed! Plus, there are toys in his room and he can get to them. Not sure. It really isn't that big of a deal. I'm just impatient for it to be settled. I guess I got so used to him laying straight down in the crib and not hearing another peep from him; putting effort into it seems like a hassle! How sad is that? Maybe if he was a more cuddly infant that liked to be rocked to sleep, we would be in a different place. I don't know. Maybe if I was a more cuddly parent we would be in a different place. Of course, we will never know. What is done is done.

I know this will pass too. It has only been a week. I just need to figure out what works and what doesn't. Like everything else when one is parenting! I do so hope the next one sleeps better :).

Feeling Drained

I am feeling seriously drained right now. I had a HUGE emotional dump this morning. The dog ran away from me. This is what started it. I looked and drove around shouting his name for close to 45 minutes. NO ANSWER! I went everywhere around here. I even locked Kaine in the house and went down by the lake and followed, as far as I could, the path he took to the neighbors. There was a fallen tree in the overgrown path that he slipped under. I could go no farther.

Something you should know to understand this emotional dump that I had is this: I cry when I am frustrated and even when I am angry (sometimes). I called Chiappini Farm Nursery and got David. He said he didn't see the dog or even any tracks. He even said, "Oh, that is what you were hollering about!" I thought that was funny, well now I do anyway. I didn't see any tracks either.

The thing that makes me mad is that I went into the neighbors yard and yelled for like 10 minutes and the dog didn't respond, at all!! Then coming back down the road from the nursery I pulled off to let my neighbor pass, only with a "Good Morning" between us. He is the one with the chickens and the same one that I thought the dog had gone to this morning. I returned home because Kaine was with me and it was upsetting him that I was yelling so much. Which, in turn, was not helping out my stress level any (I don't like when he is upset, let alone when I am the cause of it!). So, I am home and I call Melissa (my mother in law) because I know I can't get a hold of Matt (I had already tried). I didn't know what to do and I needed someone to talk to. She said she would come by and not to do anything rash. I had been threatening to take him to the Humane Society when I found him. She told me to keep hollering out the door for him. I was pissed but hung up and was hoping she would get here quick. I yelled for two or three more times from the back porch. By the last time, he came back up the path he had run down!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW PISSED I WAS THEN!!!??? UNBELIEVABLY!! I grabbed him and tied him up, carrying on and threatening to kill him! I truly wanted to! I called Melissa back and while I was telling her the dog came back Matt walked in the door. (This is very odd, once he is gone for the day he is usually gone until 7 or 8pm. Turns out he had forgotten his phone.)

I said, "I need to talk to you right now!!" He was clearly worried. I flew into a tizzy and described what I have just laid out for you. Then I proceeded to hyperventilate and have a serious crying fit! I was completely beside myself with anger, grief and pure frustration. All of which was, I think, pent up over all of the other episodes with this dog, among other things. I then proceeded to scream in my piercing upset/anger scream that seems to posses me when I can't control myself. All about how I am done and he needs to go! No matter how or what that means!

Needless to say, it was the worst way to start the day. There is only one other way that I can think of that would be worse and that would be death of someone I love.

I am so glad that Matt forgot his phone, because all I could think about was how much I could not handle what was going on and I needed him here. He is my grounding point. I was be a crazy, psycho without him. God surely must have known his presence was to be here and turned a silly forgotten phone into something that saved the event from being incredibly horrible.

I put an add on Craigslist and got at least 5 responses within an hour. Thirty minutes after that, I had already made plans to meet someone, over the phone, in Ocala the next day. So, I hope the dog fits with her and she loves him the way we cannot and the way he deserves. She has another big dog that is 2 and wants an active companion. I think it will be a perfect fit!

Emily Dickinson

 Go Here

 She is so ghostly and creepy in this photo. It is hard for me to look at. But at the same time, that is exactly what I have always liked about her work too. It seems to fit.

I just found out that we got married on Emily Dickerson's Birthday. I was so delighted that I had to come right here and blog about it! I love her, although I know that I have not read enough of her stuff to really say that. I went through a phase as a teenager where Dickinson and Poe were always close at hand. Weird combo, but it makes since because they were both forlorn and thinking of things people don't talk about. Which, I have always admired. As you probably know, if you know me. Well, that is all I have to say about that!

Bed, Exercise, Party

Kaine fell out of his bed last night. At 2:30 in the morning. Another milestone hit. Matt picked him up and got him to go back to sleep. I got to sleep in until 10. It was heaven.

The only thing missing now is another baby to wake me up 100 times a night and have a 2 year old that still gets up once a night. I think I am coming to terms with that though. Especially if we co-sleep in the beginning like we did with Kaine. I think we will be O-Tay.

I just have to lose the weight now. I can't seem to stick with any sort of diet and want to eat sugar or anything that resembles a cookie and can't seem to pass them up or get them off my mind! I heard once when I was pregnant that sugar cravings are actually a sign that you need more protein. Boiled eggs seem to help, somewhat. Can you really compare boiled eggs to cookies though? No. I need to get serious about this if this baby is ever going to happen though! I have reached what Matt calls parallel when I do squats now. Which is jargon for you are now at a 90 degree parallel to the floor when you are squatting, which is good. I now have to achieve what my son can and does do effortlessly daily, a full squat to get full range of motion. Should be a good warm-up to birth exercises, at least. I just need to do more. That is always the case!

I wish I had someone I could walk with or a safe road to walk on! That would be good. The Gainesville-Hawthorne trail is just a 10 minute drive up the road but, I feel guilty about using the gas. I think I may start running up and down the back steps at nap time, do you think that will work? Hummm...

Anyway...

Kaine's birthday is going to be such fun and is only 6 days away now. We are going to have a small pool, possibly a sprinkler, sand-pool, water balloons, water guns, food a sort of water/sand/boat/workstation toy, pinata, three legged races and lots and lots of fun! I hope the weather is as nice as it was this weekend! Either way, we will figure it out. It rained for like two days straight before his first b-day and it still all worked out! In fact, we came inside to do presents and it let go. It worked perfectly!

Hopefully soon I will be able to post pictures. I have either forgotten how to upload with Picasa or it is just not working! Ughh...I will have to mess around with it some more this week. If I have the time!

New Bed for Kaine

On a whim, I decided to change Kaine's room around. My whim took over his crib! I decided to get him ready for a toddler bed (actually a twin mattress on the floor) because I do not want him to have to get used to a bed and potty training at the same time. I just don't think it is something he would adjust well to.

So, I called Matt into the room, asked him what he thought and within 5 minutes the crib was being taken apart and I was making plans on how to move the room around.  Kaine is standing there not knowing what is going on and starts to protest about the crib being taken apart! OH NO! What do we do now? Matt and his quick thinking says, "Don't you want to sleep in a big bed like Daddy!?" Kaine replies, "Yes!" Problem solved! (Me, I died a little inside, because I had no idea he would react like that!)

Oh crap, now I have to figure out how to get him to sleep in it! I didn't think about that! So, we go about our evening. We play. Watch a little TV. Let Kaine tell us when he is ready for bed (by this I mean, we watch him and see when he is fading. I don't actually wait for him to tell me he wants to go to bed!). He usually has an 8pm bedtime, I just thought it would be better to get him a little more sleepy, for the change in bed. He goes down with no problem, after his tuck in and story. I walk out thinking, "Boy, that was easy! Wish I would have done this months ago!" Five minutes later I hear little hands trying to open the door! I knew this was coming, I calmly walk down the hall, open the door and tell him it is time for bed. He happily says, "Okay!" and climbs back into bed and lets me tuck him in. This goes on 2 more times. On the 3rd time, I find I have been locked out of the room! Opps! Didn't think about that! Ha! Ha! Matt get's into the door (I think he broke the handle but, it still closes). So, we start from square one. He gets up two more times getting books out of the bookshelf we had also just placed in his room. Each time one of us goes in and tells him it is time to go to sleep. He is happy to comply. Before we know it, he is asleep with no yelling or crying or protesting. All of which I expected and was ready to work with. I am so glad he was ready! I so believe that he will sleep so much better on a "real" bed instead of the hard and uninviting crib mattress.

Updates, will follow. Hopefully, it will only get better!

Fear

Fear is my biggest stumbling block. I am afraid of a lot of things. More than I let on. Or, at least, more than I hope I let on. I don't know how to let go. It frightens me. More than I think I even know.

I don't like the unknown. I need things to be planned. To be a controlled predictable. Then I try to make it look spontaneous. I am not free. I live in a a cage of anxiety. I am not sure how to open the door.

Show me the way. I will follow. I just need to hear Your voice.

I HATE MY DOG!!! AND LIFE, AT THE MOMENT!

He just cost me $200!!! Like I have $200!!!! NNNNOOOO!!!


What happened? He got off his line when I went in to Gainesville today and decided to go to the neighbors and eat their chickens!!! EAT THEIR CHICKENS!!! So, since this is the second (oh, yes you read that right) time he has done this (we were forgive the first time because we didn't know the neighbors started raising chickens. And plus, everyone dog makes mistakes!) we now have to pay $5 per chicken. I was told 40 are missing. Granted, I don't think that the dog got that many. (I was told 14 today. So unless he killed 26 -unlikely- the time we were forgiven....)  Plus, I think he thought they were playing because he didn't eat them, he just chased them and killed them and then left them where they were! But, that is beside the point. So, I told Matt through hormonal tears that the guys want $200. So, he said the same thing and said he would talk to him and work it out. Now, like I didn't have enough stress, I really do have to find a job and get the hell out of here!

I have no idea what I am going to do. I have limited skills. I can watch kids, babies, drive, fold laundry, read books, you know all of the average everyday people things that average, everyday people do. Oh yeah, and I can count pills, answer phones and get yelled at by crazy drug attics (sp?) trying to get me to give them illegal drugs! So, why don't I just use the Pharmacy Tech skills, you ask? Well, in order to make money at that I would have to work 40 hours a week, probably in a hospital (with really sick people!) doing things that I don't know how to do! Plus, I have to take an exam. Not that big of a deal but, when you don't know what you are getting yourself into do you really want to take the time to study and take a test that might not take you anywhere? Not to mention that you have to pay for the test and gas and the babysitter so you can get there, in the first place. Then, what do you do when you get a job? Not like Kaine can go with me! What is he going to do sit around and play with the chemo? Then, lets say I get a job in the hospital and I have to pay for someone else to watch my child and give away half of my paycheck. After gas and medical coverage, what exactly am I bringing home? Nothing! What is the point? Oh yeah, and have we forgotten that I want to have a baby and go to Midwifery school? How exactly am I going to be around hospital meds (including chemo and radiation) being Prego? HUMM??? Not to mention that it would look really awesome on my resume that I stayed at the hospital for a year or so because next fall I would have to quit to go to school. So, then we are back to square one! What then?

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!! WANT TO JOIN ME?