Feeling Drained

I am feeling seriously drained right now. I had a HUGE emotional dump this morning. The dog ran away from me. This is what started it. I looked and drove around shouting his name for close to 45 minutes. NO ANSWER! I went everywhere around here. I even locked Kaine in the house and went down by the lake and followed, as far as I could, the path he took to the neighbors. There was a fallen tree in the overgrown path that he slipped under. I could go no farther.

Something you should know to understand this emotional dump that I had is this: I cry when I am frustrated and even when I am angry (sometimes). I called Chiappini Farm Nursery and got David. He said he didn't see the dog or even any tracks. He even said, "Oh, that is what you were hollering about!" I thought that was funny, well now I do anyway. I didn't see any tracks either.

The thing that makes me mad is that I went into the neighbors yard and yelled for like 10 minutes and the dog didn't respond, at all!! Then coming back down the road from the nursery I pulled off to let my neighbor pass, only with a "Good Morning" between us. He is the one with the chickens and the same one that I thought the dog had gone to this morning. I returned home because Kaine was with me and it was upsetting him that I was yelling so much. Which, in turn, was not helping out my stress level any (I don't like when he is upset, let alone when I am the cause of it!). So, I am home and I call Melissa (my mother in law) because I know I can't get a hold of Matt (I had already tried). I didn't know what to do and I needed someone to talk to. She said she would come by and not to do anything rash. I had been threatening to take him to the Humane Society when I found him. She told me to keep hollering out the door for him. I was pissed but hung up and was hoping she would get here quick. I yelled for two or three more times from the back porch. By the last time, he came back up the path he had run down!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW PISSED I WAS THEN!!!??? UNBELIEVABLY!! I grabbed him and tied him up, carrying on and threatening to kill him! I truly wanted to! I called Melissa back and while I was telling her the dog came back Matt walked in the door. (This is very odd, once he is gone for the day he is usually gone until 7 or 8pm. Turns out he had forgotten his phone.)

I said, "I need to talk to you right now!!" He was clearly worried. I flew into a tizzy and described what I have just laid out for you. Then I proceeded to hyperventilate and have a serious crying fit! I was completely beside myself with anger, grief and pure frustration. All of which was, I think, pent up over all of the other episodes with this dog, among other things. I then proceeded to scream in my piercing upset/anger scream that seems to posses me when I can't control myself. All about how I am done and he needs to go! No matter how or what that means!

Needless to say, it was the worst way to start the day. There is only one other way that I can think of that would be worse and that would be death of someone I love.

I am so glad that Matt forgot his phone, because all I could think about was how much I could not handle what was going on and I needed him here. He is my grounding point. I was be a crazy, psycho without him. God surely must have known his presence was to be here and turned a silly forgotten phone into something that saved the event from being incredibly horrible.

I put an add on Craigslist and got at least 5 responses within an hour. Thirty minutes after that, I had already made plans to meet someone, over the phone, in Ocala the next day. So, I hope the dog fits with her and she loves him the way we cannot and the way he deserves. She has another big dog that is 2 and wants an active companion. I think it will be a perfect fit!