Miscarriage

At ten weeks even, I started to spot. Nothing, at all, major. It was this little, slight, questionably faint, pink streak. I had been feeling rather period-y all week. My exact quote to Matt was, "If I didn't know any better, I would think that I am about to have a period". Well...if you ever feel like that when pregnant, it may not be a good thing. Surprisingly, I am not all that shocked that this has happened. I did have a good cry about it (when something else set me off). I haven't exactly felt "right" about this pregnancy from the beginning. I felt like it was "off". I don't know why. Except, maybe I do now? I don't know. So, this isn't really going to be a sad tale, per se.

Saturday morning brought more blood. I showed Matt on the toilet paper that I had just used. It was like the beginning of a period; you can feel it coming so you rush to the bathroom. It didn't get worse all day. I was on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I took some tinctures to help stop a miscarriage but, it didn't seem to help with the bleeding much. The cramps went away. We thought that we were going to be able to save this pregnancy after all.

Sunday was Easter. I put off going to my Mom's or telling her anything about us traveling until I was certain the bleeding wasn't any worse. Which it wasn't. The blood was the same consistency and was even getting a little bit darker. I tried to stay off my feet the whole day and still enjoy myself.

Monday brought little change. Although I could tell the cramps and back discomfort I am prone to was a little worse. I just attributed this to Kaine taking up almost ALL of the space on my side of the bed the night before. I was able to talk to some midwives at the Birth Center. Sarah and I had a long conversation on the phone that morning. She said that they don't usually take people this late and because I would be considered VBAC I would still have to find another provider. But she was, in the end, willing to offer initial prenatal visits until I found a provider, which was nice. She said that it could be many things. All of which made sense. She said that I could have a low-lying placenta which was causing the bleeding but, not to worry, they usually travel upwards by twenty weeks. Research confirmed this. Another suggestion was a vitamin deficiency and, if you have been following this for a while, you would know that my body has issues with vitamin b-12 and D. So, I thought, for sure that this is what I was experiencing. I up'd my vitamin intake accordingly and through Sarah's suggestion. She also stated that if this was a miscarriage, I would soon know. Things would progressively get worse until "the contents of my uterus were emptied". (Don't worry, she prefaced this with, "I know this is hard to hear".)

Monday night. Things were not getting better. Cramps were more regular and there was more blood. I would say, by now, I was in a state of "this is happening, let's get it over with". (I know that sounds cold but, I knew with the first red blood that there was nothing that could be done. Anything I could have done, I was doing.) Things went smoothly and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Tuesday morning brought what I knew to be true. Blood clots or tissue. At this stage the baby usually looks like a little being. However, and fortunately, it was nothing like that. It was just clot like tissue, clearly indicating that nothing was there. It gave me peace to know that it was happening for a reason and not for something that could have been helped. I am in a good place and know that this was something that was meant to teach me faith. I had great faith through out this ordeal. I knew God was not abandoning me. Yes, it was something that I didn't want. Yes, it was something that was sad. I am just glad it didn't go any farther. I think, honestly, that I wasn't yet attached to the idea of being pregnant but, I was getting used to it. This helped to guard my feelings and to help me deal with the loss. I hope I don't sound cold or unfeeling because, it was/is sad. I just don't want to dwell on it. I want to move on.

Thanks for all of the support through out this whole journey to pregnancy. We have decided to not try again. At least, for a while. I just can't take anymore disappointment. There have been too many months in a row that just haven't worked out. I need some time to wrap my head around this situation and deal with other life issues. So, babies, hopefully, are still in my future, just not in the near future.

Scratch That

I can't sleep. Then again, I am tired all the time! So, scratch the claim from before about not being as tired as early as the previous pregnancy. I am nine weeks and I am usually up at 2 am, like tonight (this morning?). Last night I didn't sleep at all. I was fortunate enough to have a husband that let me sleep in on Sunday (because Saturday brought another no sleep night) that I slept until 2pm. And yes, we meant to go to church. I REALLY just couldn't even move when he tried to wake me up. I thought I might be sick. That is how I felt ALL day today too. Thank goodness Kaine had school this morning, I don't think I would have made  it. On top of that, I think Kaine was sensing something, today was one of his worst days in a LONG time. It was like he was really tired too. Poor guy.

As for all of the other symptoms (nausea and what-not) I don't have them anymore. I do still feel strangely not really hungry. Or, rather, I want A LOT of junk food and ONLY junk food, if you please. But, I know that is a sign of not getting enough calories and protein and possibly, minerals. *Sigh* I am trying to make an effort to eat more fruits and veggies, to up my nutrients. Plus, I know the baby needs more than salt, water, Sprite with extra lime and slushies. What kind of weird-o cravings are those? I am chalking it up to the fact that it is hotter sooner and my body is just trying to prepare. Salt, for one thing, helps build up your blood volume, as does water. Cravings for sugar are a sign that your body wants protein. You should have seen me at four weeks. I was literally eating sea salt out of my container. Literally. But, I knew it was for a good cause. So, here is  to actually listening to my body, however weird it might sound to some! :)

In other news, we are going to Disney. Very soon. Like, for example, in T minus nine days and counting. I. Am. So. Excited!!! You really have no idea. No. Idea. And, of course, I am trying to be all laid back about the planning and stuff but, all I want to do is check out the websites and cry (yes, hormonally cry with excitement and anticipation-oh pregnancy!) because I just can't wait! I am really hoping that Kaine likes it. I keep telling him that we are going. We have been watching Disney Junior lately and they have this intermission thing (you know between shows) that kinda represents the electric light parade at Disney and he gets REALLY excited about that. Plus, I keep telling him that we are going to go and see the castle that comes on right before the Disney movies start to play (you know the one I mean). Not to mention that Tinker Bell will be there. Oh yes, he is more excited about Miss Tink than you could imagine and I think it is the most darling (yes, darling) thing I have EVER seen! Can you feel my excitement!!?? So, here is the game plan:

We are going to be leaving on Thursday, after Matt gets off work. Friday will bring all day excitement at the Magic Kingdom (Matt, Kaine and I). I am planning to really utilize their baby center buildings for nap time! (Which will just be a "rest" time.) Most. Awesome. Building. At. Disney. EVER. Not kidding! (Seriously, just did spell checker on this and it suggested childing? Pretty sure that is not a word! In fact, it is flagging it now!) Anyway. Saturday will bring all day excitement for Animal Kingdom (one of the best zoo's I have EVER been to). (Matt, Kaine, Me, the in-laws and Matt's brother and girlfriend). Can I pause again, right here and mention that I did not really intend to invite that many people. I must confess that my excitement ran away with me. It really did. I don't think I can truly be blamed for this. It was like I couldn't control myself from saying, "You wanna come?". Can I plead temporary insanity? Besides, our group has gotten smaller anyway. Mom, George, Jordan and Grace were suppose to go. Mom had to back out because business is booming (yea!) and she just didn't feel like she should give up jobs (now that they are literally pouring in!). Who can blame her? Not me, that's for sure!! AND, I didn't invite Matt's brother and girlfriend. I'm just saying. OK. Sunday is going to bring all day excitement at Epcot. I know it really is for more of the "older crowd" of Disney explorers. But, Matt and his family have NEVER gone! Are you shocked? I am. To me, it is astounding how many things they haven't done. Which, I know, makes me sound like a spoiled brat. So, you have to go to Disney and go to Epcot, you just have to! That's the plan. Without me trying to uber control it. I really just want to go with the flow and see where it leads us. But, of course, I want to do everything! My most important concerns:

Not to be held up. (Unfortunately, there are people in our party who just don't know how to be on time. Not naming names or anything.)
Having my own agenda not being messed with. After all, this is about Kaine. (There are people going with us who like to impose their will onto children who usually are just fine watching, thank you very much! I don't like Pushers!)
That the crowds not be so bad. (Matt just plain isn't good with crowds.)
That the heat not be to bad. (That is why morning is going to be the most important time for us to be up-and-Adam!-yes, I realize that isn't the phrase, that is just how I think of it!)
That we spend the majority of the morning (even if that means getting up at six! Yikes!) to explore all the parks. (See first parenthesis.)

I do feel, however that we are set up for a really good time. As long as we keep it relaxed and remember why we are there in the first place. I just hope it doesn't become another battle of control! Pray for me! Really.


BTW, do you ever feel like you are letting down Mark Twain because you use exclamation points? Or way too many of them (like I do)? Mark Twain quote: "One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke."
Or these guys: Exclamtion Point / Collective Inkwell

The way of life

I feel like I am trapped lately. I have no energy and God only knows how my moods will be. I have been trying to distance myself from people but, of course, that just makes the trapped feeling worse. I don't want to ruin any relationships but, I feel horrible! I have no idea how to make this better. AND the more I let things go, like cleaning the house because I have NO ENERGY the worse and worse and worse it gets. UGH! I hate this part. Can't I just sleep through it?

However, this is why I am thinking we are having a girl this time too. I didn't have moody mood swings when I was prego with Kaine. I felt like crying at sappy stupid stuff, like the Christmas commercial with the babies sleeping. But I didn't bite people's heads off just for walking across the room! Then, the guilt sets in, making me feel even more crappy. Because, what do you say to someone who just gets on your nerves for breathing?? I need a vacation, until I start to feel better. Or someone to just come over here and clean my house, organize it and tell me all is well! Wouldn't that be nice?

I think, ultimately, I am overwhelmed. I have no way of NOT feeling overwhelmed because, let's be honest, ever since we moved back I have been trying to get control of this place and I have NO help. It honestly seems like every time I get done cleaning one area two more areas are destroyed and I have to start all over again. This isn't really that much of a problem, you know, for the normal people out there. But for me, the super perfectionist (yes, I am, surprising I know) I have to get it all done and to high standards or NOTHING gets done. Do you see what I mean? I won't start something knowing that I will be interrupted (hello! I have a 3 year old!). I won't start something knowing I don't have a place for it. I won't start something knowing that I won't get finished. I won't start something knowing that it won't be done right the first time. So, things pile up. The more they pile up the more overwhelmed I feel. The more overwhelmed I feel the more things pile up. It's a vicious, vicious cycle!! Honestly, when it gets this bad, things start to go into the trash. I have made up my mind that I can't handle it therefore, I need to get rid of it. Not such a bad system really but, it is based on emotion and we all know how that turns out.

Announcing

Announcing that we are pregnant has got me really excited. I just can't seem to hold it in. I know I should be but, as it seems, my inability to keep a secret has started to show its ugly little head. We have wanted this for so long. Many people are walking this journey with us too. I have to admit, I am not very good at this. I have already told both my sisters, Cassie, my neighbor (who I don't even know) and my mom (because she suddenly said she wasn't going to Disney and it took all I could do to keep from bursting! BTW, she already knew. What is it about Mom's?). So, now we have Matt's family, my dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone else to tell. I do think that that is going to have to wait though. I want some sort of element of surprise, especially for my in-laws. Not really sure why, I just think they would appreciate it more. I am still thinking of getting Kaine a shirt that says "Big Brother".

In other pregnancy related news (yes, you are going to have to put up with this for the next nine months! lol) I think we are having a girl this time. I know I am only 7 weeks but, I have this strange feeling there is a girl in there. I felt completely fine with Kaine. In fact, didn't know I was pregnant (haven't I mentioned this before? lol). I never had any sort of morning or day/night sickness with him. I felt fine. Well, almost fine. I did have this weird "maybe I am coming down with something" feeling and horrible sinus pain (what is that about?). Other than that, nada! This time around I am REALLY cranky (so much so that that is an understatement!). I have actually felt sick, as in, "Oh no! I think I might puke!" (but, thank God, have not actually done so). Had food aversions- I don't feel like eating. I must say though, that the only improvement that I have seen is that I am not as sleepy as I was the first go-round. I can remember sitting on the couch and watching tv or something around 7 or 8 pm and literally falling dead asleep. Maybe it is because I am not working? Maybe it is because when I actually get tired I have the leisure of sitting down for a few minutes (hours, j/k) and recouping? All I know is, the insomnia has hit early! I remember having horrible insomnia during the last 2 months. I would go down and get up around 3 am (like now) and not be able to fall asleep again until anywhere between 5-7am. Then, of course, I would have to go into work and feel like crap all day! (This is probably why I passed out at 8 pm!!) Anyway, I am watching what is going on and trying to take cues from my body and follow them. So far, so good!

Oh, we already have baby names too: Twins*- Emma and Eli or for singletons just Emma or just Eli.

        *And yes, I am sure if you know me at all, you will know that twins are a passion of mine! I desire to have them more than anything else that I can imagine! I know, most people, like you, think I am crazy! Like I told Erin when she found out her first were two: "What a wonderful blessing! Just think how God must feel about you, to entrust you with two instead of one!" That is how I feel anyway. They would truly be a double blessing to this family!! (No, twins don't run in my family. I did read just the other day that that only counts for fraternal twins anyway. You can still have identical-the more rare kind-without any history of twinning going on! Cross your fingers :). )