At ten weeks even, I started to spot. Nothing, at all, major. It was this little, slight, questionably faint, pink streak. I had been feeling rather period-y all week. My exact quote to Matt was, "If I didn't know any better, I would think that I am about to have a period". Well...if you ever feel like that when pregnant, it may not be a good thing. Surprisingly, I am not all that shocked that this has happened. I did have a good cry about it (when something else set me off). I haven't exactly felt "right" about this pregnancy from the beginning. I felt like it was "off". I don't know why. Except, maybe I do now? I don't know. So, this isn't really going to be a sad tale, per se.
Saturday morning brought more blood. I showed Matt on the toilet paper that I had just used. It was like the beginning of a period; you can feel it coming so you rush to the bathroom. It didn't get worse all day. I was on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I took some tinctures to help stop a miscarriage but, it didn't seem to help with the bleeding much. The cramps went away. We thought that we were going to be able to save this pregnancy after all.
Sunday was Easter. I put off going to my Mom's or telling her anything about us traveling until I was certain the bleeding wasn't any worse. Which it wasn't. The blood was the same consistency and was even getting a little bit darker. I tried to stay off my feet the whole day and still enjoy myself.
Monday brought little change. Although I could tell the cramps and back discomfort I am prone to was a little worse. I just attributed this to Kaine taking up almost ALL of the space on my side of the bed the night before. I was able to talk to some midwives at the Birth Center. Sarah and I had a long conversation on the phone that morning. She said that they don't usually take people this late and because I would be considered VBAC I would still have to find another provider. But she was, in the end, willing to offer initial prenatal visits until I found a provider, which was nice. She said that it could be many things. All of which made sense. She said that I could have a low-lying placenta which was causing the bleeding but, not to worry, they usually travel upwards by twenty weeks. Research confirmed this. Another suggestion was a vitamin deficiency and, if you have been following this for a while, you would know that my body has issues with vitamin b-12 and D. So, I thought, for sure that this is what I was experiencing. I up'd my vitamin intake accordingly and through Sarah's suggestion. She also stated that if this was a miscarriage, I would soon know. Things would progressively get worse until "the contents of my uterus were emptied". (Don't worry, she prefaced this with, "I know this is hard to hear".)
Monday night. Things were not getting better. Cramps were more regular and there was more blood. I would say, by now, I was in a state of "this is happening, let's get it over with". (I know that sounds cold but, I knew with the first red blood that there was nothing that could be done. Anything I could have done, I was doing.) Things went smoothly and it wasn't as bad as I thought.
Tuesday morning brought what I knew to be true. Blood clots or tissue. At this stage the baby usually looks like a little being. However, and fortunately, it was nothing like that. It was just clot like tissue, clearly indicating that nothing was there. It gave me peace to know that it was happening for a reason and not for something that could have been helped. I am in a good place and know that this was something that was meant to teach me faith. I had great faith through out this ordeal. I knew God was not abandoning me. Yes, it was something that I didn't want. Yes, it was something that was sad. I am just glad it didn't go any farther. I think, honestly, that I wasn't yet attached to the idea of being pregnant but, I was getting used to it. This helped to guard my feelings and to help me deal with the loss. I hope I don't sound cold or unfeeling because, it was/is sad. I just don't want to dwell on it. I want to move on.
Thanks for all of the support through out this whole journey to pregnancy. We have decided to not try again. At least, for a while. I just can't take anymore disappointment. There have been too many months in a row that just haven't worked out. I need some time to wrap my head around this situation and deal with other life issues. So, babies, hopefully, are still in my future, just not in the near future.
Saturday morning brought more blood. I showed Matt on the toilet paper that I had just used. It was like the beginning of a period; you can feel it coming so you rush to the bathroom. It didn't get worse all day. I was on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I took some tinctures to help stop a miscarriage but, it didn't seem to help with the bleeding much. The cramps went away. We thought that we were going to be able to save this pregnancy after all.
Sunday was Easter. I put off going to my Mom's or telling her anything about us traveling until I was certain the bleeding wasn't any worse. Which it wasn't. The blood was the same consistency and was even getting a little bit darker. I tried to stay off my feet the whole day and still enjoy myself.
Monday brought little change. Although I could tell the cramps and back discomfort I am prone to was a little worse. I just attributed this to Kaine taking up almost ALL of the space on my side of the bed the night before. I was able to talk to some midwives at the Birth Center. Sarah and I had a long conversation on the phone that morning. She said that they don't usually take people this late and because I would be considered VBAC I would still have to find another provider. But she was, in the end, willing to offer initial prenatal visits until I found a provider, which was nice. She said that it could be many things. All of which made sense. She said that I could have a low-lying placenta which was causing the bleeding but, not to worry, they usually travel upwards by twenty weeks. Research confirmed this. Another suggestion was a vitamin deficiency and, if you have been following this for a while, you would know that my body has issues with vitamin b-12 and D. So, I thought, for sure that this is what I was experiencing. I up'd my vitamin intake accordingly and through Sarah's suggestion. She also stated that if this was a miscarriage, I would soon know. Things would progressively get worse until "the contents of my uterus were emptied". (Don't worry, she prefaced this with, "I know this is hard to hear".)
Monday night. Things were not getting better. Cramps were more regular and there was more blood. I would say, by now, I was in a state of "this is happening, let's get it over with". (I know that sounds cold but, I knew with the first red blood that there was nothing that could be done. Anything I could have done, I was doing.) Things went smoothly and it wasn't as bad as I thought.
Tuesday morning brought what I knew to be true. Blood clots or tissue. At this stage the baby usually looks like a little being. However, and fortunately, it was nothing like that. It was just clot like tissue, clearly indicating that nothing was there. It gave me peace to know that it was happening for a reason and not for something that could have been helped. I am in a good place and know that this was something that was meant to teach me faith. I had great faith through out this ordeal. I knew God was not abandoning me. Yes, it was something that I didn't want. Yes, it was something that was sad. I am just glad it didn't go any farther. I think, honestly, that I wasn't yet attached to the idea of being pregnant but, I was getting used to it. This helped to guard my feelings and to help me deal with the loss. I hope I don't sound cold or unfeeling because, it was/is sad. I just don't want to dwell on it. I want to move on.
Thanks for all of the support through out this whole journey to pregnancy. We have decided to not try again. At least, for a while. I just can't take anymore disappointment. There have been too many months in a row that just haven't worked out. I need some time to wrap my head around this situation and deal with other life issues. So, babies, hopefully, are still in my future, just not in the near future.
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