I have a grown up living room

It seems that we finally got this place in some sort of shape. There is still A LOT to do, on the organization of closets and our room side of things, but it is, at least now, getting done. We painted this weekend. The living room, hall and kitchen all got a nice warm coat of lovely paint on them. We decided that the other rooms were going to have to wait. Especially since the other rooms were junky holding things from the rooms that we were painting. I really felt like setting such a lofty goal would set us up for bad moods and things being left undone or half done also. I didn't want to go there. We accomplished our goal, I am happy about that. I was even able to hang pictures, paint the trim and baseboards, stain Kaine's table and chairs, buy and hang curtains too. It feels so nice to walk into a room that actually looks like you live in it!

I must say here, that I got a STEAL on the curtains too! They are Martha Stewart and if you know anything about Ms. Martha Stewart you know she doesn't do "cheap". Which, I must say, is mostly to here credit. These are BY FAR the nicest curtains/fabric I have ever owned. Oh yes my friends, I have felt and longed for fabric like this my whole life! It is pure luxury. The way that I got them, you ask? If you don't know, most of Ms. Stewart's things are super expensive. With no exception to curtain panels. These particular panels happened to be marked for clearance at the local Home Depot for (rounding up) $12 a panel. Pretty reasonable, in my book (especially if you count the extra nice fabric!). So, I bought them. Here is a wonderful picture and price tag for you to look at to see how much of a deal these were! Pretty nice, right? So, my living room actually looks like a room I did on purpose, instead of a room that a college dorm dumpster or thrift store threw up in. Yeah, it's pretty nice.

The saga

I haven't really had anything interesting to say lately, except rants. I really don't want to make this blog an "angry" one. I do like to come here to complain about stuff, just to get it out and so I can move past it. However, I don't want it to be ALL about that.

However, there have been many things bothering me lately. I am just not sure I am ready to talk about them yet. Especially this one thing, involving a certain "couple" that really seems bizarre. I can't seem to wrap my head around it. In fact, I totally see myself avoiding the WHOLE thing. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable and I REALLY, REALLY don't know why. I am not one to ignore those feelings, I just don't know what to do about it. It shouldn't even be this big of a deal. I guess that is why I feel I can't figure it out. Ok, I guess I should just go ahead and tell you the story. Maybe writing it out will make it go away (or lessen the affects it is having on me!).

Matt's brother is getting married. No big deal, right? Why is it making my stomach turn at the mere mention on this happy occasion? He "proposed" to her after ONLY 5 weeks of knowing/dating her. (I say "proposed" because I have YET to be told of a proposal story or SEEN a ring!) Who does that? Yeah, yeah, I get the whole "we are in love and you JUST KNOW" crap. (I really don't think it is crap, because I "just knew" with Matt really early too, but come on!)

Anyway, the issue is this: he keeps dating THE SAME GIRL. I am not just talking about them having similarities, I am talking about it going like this:
Oh, she is nice.
Oh, she seems sweet.
Oh, she has sort of a past.
Oh, she may actually be skanky.
Oh, she is crazy.
Oh, she really, really, really, is crazy.

And the relationship goes like this:
I just got out of a bad relationship.
Oh, I am dating someone again (way too soon).
I REALLY love her!
She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!
Oh, we broke up because I didn't like her past.
Oh, we are back together again.
Oh, we broke up again because she has a drinking problem (insert problem where "drinking" is).
We really love each other.
Want to move in?
All is well and we "may be" getting married.
We are breaking up.
We are back together again (this is the point where everyone in the family just wishes they would work their shit out already and either move on or stay together).
We really are broken up and are NEVER getting back together again!
Repeat.

The bad thing is, this process is dragged out over years. YEARS! The first one was about 3 years. The next one was about 3-3 and a half years. They were pretty much back-to-back. I know it is his life but, it affects mine too! Especially now, since I have a child who still asks about "where the other one is".

I am really uncomfortable with this whole situation. I don't agree with it. I think he rushes way to fast and furious toward something that, plainly, just takes time! He wants it all and he wants it NOW! I don't want my son falling for someone else just to see them walk away (or be thrown out) of his life again. But, it really isn't about that either. I just think Matt's brother is displaying some serious self destructive behavior and, frankly, I am NOT okay with that!

Isn't it weird that it bothers me so much? I guess because I feel like pieces of the puzzle just DON'T make since. Why so sudden? Why her? Is this really something you should enter into so lightly (marriage I mean)? I don't know what to think!

Breaking News...

I have been thinking about doing something drastic (I am not so sure that is the best word) for a while now. At least, most people would think it is drastic. Here is a little background:

My ambitions as a child: To be a Nun or a Missionary
My ambitions as a teenager: To join the Peace Corp
My ambitions as a young college student: To be a nurse
My ambitions as a young mom: To make sure my kids are well taken care of (no sacrifice is too much)

Are you seeing a theme here? I have ALWAYS wanted to be in a position of "helper to those who need it". My path has been long and very confused. I have done some things that just plain don't make any sense at all. All of it has taught me and led me to my next decision.

This may sound corny but, I was watching OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) tonight. Oprah was talking about her life's journey. She kept saying, "I don't believe in luck", "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity", something I have always felt. So, needless to say, I was listening. She then went on to talk about how she knew she was doing what she was intended to do. Yes, she made mistakes. Yes, there were hard times to overcome (her past would make anyone want to roll over and die, poor girl!). But, she knew she had a purpose. She could hear "whispers" of what she was suppose to be doing. (That sounds crazy, I just can't put it as eloquently as she did. Use the word "nudges", if you prefer.) It just started to click for me.

I feel that God has recently laid something on my heart. I am terrified to accept it. I have talked it over with Matt and I know he is scared too but, open to the possibility. We just want to feel a little bit more "settled". I just don't know anymore. I think God opens you up to opportunities when you are actually ready for them. Not when your "housing situation" or "financial situation" is optimum. (None of which are terrible, unless you consider not having debt and not actually owning a house, a bad thing!) Yes, I would like to have a house of my own. However, this is something we can do NOW. We don't need to wait. I am just tired of telling God that I will "go where He sends me" and then letting the call go to the answering machine, if you know what I mean. Will He stop calling me?

My passion is children. I wish to teach one of these days. (A decision that didn't come lightly. And, won't come easily.) I have always said, "I have missed my calling"; I am suppose to be a nanny. Well, what is this new revelation you ask? I want to be a Foster Parent. Not really, I have never really wanted to be a Foster Parent. The idea scares me to death! But, I feel called to be a Foster Parent. Being called is more like a need. You know what I mean? You may not want it. You are probably scared out of your socks at the prospect of taking this challenge on. But you just have to!! Am I making sense? Look at it this way:
Have you ever seen anyone being treated unfairly? Unjust? Abused? Would you walk on by? Or, even with your fear, would you get involved? No, you don't want to make the situation worse. No, you don't want to be physically, mentally or emotionally hurt. But, you are compelled to act. THAT, my friends, is what I am talking about.

Doing the right thing. It's not always easy. Most of the time it is hard. But, if you let it, you will come out the better person. You change to accommodate. I have always felt like I was meant for better and greater things. No, I don't want to be rich or famous. But, I do feel like I could be doing more to change the world we live in. I am tired of just sitting around and waiting for the need to come to me. I am going to reach out and give of myself. I will give what I have to offer, hopefully it will be just what is needed.

New Situations

I started a new job, sort of. I am helping out a friend who needed some good childcare. I just told her to give me whatever she has laying around, for payment. I don't really want payment, it just sounded like she would feel better about paying me. I love having the kids around. They are a great way to have something to do, you know, when I would normally not be doing anything! Rowan is fabulous for Kaine and, I suspect, Kaine for Rowan. They are still working out the whole, "hey this is mine" thing but, you know, being two and three there will be some problems. lol. The baby, Liam, is a doll! He is, of course, good for me. (Even though, he seems to be good for Kaine too, getting used to babies and all! Some jealousy issues have shown up. Such as this: "Mommy, can you hold me? Just for a little bit?") So, it is good to have new little ones in the house.

One of the things that have been going through my mind lately, is this: "Man, I wish I had more kids!" "This is fun!" So, needless to say, I don't think the next "children" will be that far apart in age. I like having little ones to make my days busy and more full. I feel like I have a purpose and something to look forward to. Not to mention, that my "get up and clean the house!" gene has kicked into overdrive! YAY! I was seriously looking for something to inspire me to get my house organized and to KEEP IT CLEAN! I'm not so good at the cleaning, organizing and "oh, your hungry? guess I can make you some dinner!" lol (actually, I am not that bad at making dinner!). With the new additions, I am able to inspire myself to pick up, sweep and generally keep things in the "clean zone". It has been fabulous.

Things have also been falling into place financially. We are in a good place. We are able to pay our bills, buy groceries, buy gas, and keep a roof over our heads. The only thing we need to work on now is our savings. We aren't quite there yet. Although we aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck anymore (Thank you God!), the savings haven't really started yet. The biggest reason for this is, we keep "finding" new things to do with our "extra" money. (We went to Disney last month! We have also been going on tons of trips lately. So much so, that I am/was ready for a break!) So, we will have to start figuring out the other part of being responsible, putting money away for a rainy day. I think we are ready!

Along these same lines, my financial aide from my confusing and crazy college days have been paid off. Thanks to our IRS return. The good news about this? (Other than the obvious!) Is that now, I am eligible for more aid. I know, sounds backward right? But, I can't finish my degree without aid. AND, now that I know, the hard way, what NOT to do, I am ready to take on college again! I just filled out the FAFSA and hope to hear some positive news by the end of this week. I am really and truly ready to go back. I am way more mature than I was just out of high school. I now see an actual purpose in having a degree. Also, I have truly figured out what, in life, I am good at. I know where I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I had NO idea before! That is why the running joke in my family was, "What are you majoring in this week?" Trust me, I had no clue. I really wanted to look into everything and, generally, I did. (I really don't know why I need to do EVERYTHING the hard way! Just stubborn, I guess.) So, I have started the journey back into college life. It scares me but, it is mostly exciting. I have a clearer view of what to expect and what is expected of me. I know, in reality, what I will have to do to succeed. I am ready!

Many good changes... :)

Success

Today Kaine and I went out shopping around for birthday stuff. I know that we went to Disney for his 3rd birthday however, I feel that everyone should at least have a birthday cake on their birthdays. So, we went to Publix, Sam's Club and the Party Store. We ordered a bumble bee finger-roo cake. I was trying to find a link to a picture for this but, apparently they are new and aren't even on the website yet. But, they are super cute. Kaine picked out the bumble bee one. (They also a have: monkey, frog, lady bug, dinosaur, puppy and some other ones I can't remember!) It was only $10 too, total score!! Then we went to Sam's Club. I saw on their website that they had, what they call a 5" cake with 10 cupcakes. You can go here and check out their cake catalog and search until you find the "Cars" cake (minus red icing and chocolate cake b.c., "kids can be allergic", according to the cake lady, lol!). That also was around $10 (a little over like, $.39)! So, two cakes for $21! Woo hoo! Plus, Kaine picked them out, so no disappointments. When we went to the party store I wasn't really sure what we were looking for. We walked around and decided on a really cool "canopy" birthday hanger (that I plan to put over his small table as a decoration). He also picked out some Hot Wheels bouncy balls and purple paper plates).

Also, the biggest success of the day was that we left the house with Kaine in underwear. Not normally such a big deal (he can go to preschool and make it from 7:30 am to 1pm in underwear with no accidents). I have NEVER tried to take him anywhere without pull-ups on. Well, the one time I did I ended up changing him because he peed while sitting in his car seat. This was the outcome of Kaine refusing, absolutely refusing, to use a public toilet! So, we haven't been out without pull-ups. In fact, most of the time that he spends in the house, he is wearing pull-ups too (we still haven't figured out a way to help or make him go poo in the potty). So, today was a serious surprise. I even tried to talk him into changing into a pull-up halfway through our shopping trip (which was not limited on the liquid intake!)- no dice. He just wanted to wear his undies. I must say he did impressively well! I kept asking him if he had to go. At one point I had him in the back of the Jeep, McDonald's empty cup in hand, trying to convince Kaine that he could pee in it therefore, making sure there was no chance of accidents! (I did mention that he won't use a public toilet right?) He made it through three stores and a McDonald's (we went inside to eat!) stop all without peeing! I am super impressed. That is complete success. So, we came home and he peed in his potty then went and took a nap. What is going on? I don't know but, I hope it continues! LOL

King Kaine

Kaine is such a wonderful kid. He really is. Do you hear the "but" coming on? I don't know who invented the term "terrible twos". I have enjoyed the "twos" very much, thank you. However, on the butt end of the "twos" and the budding of the "threes" there have been some issues. Things I love about this age:

• He is becoming more independent
• He likes to do things "by myself"
• He can follow commands with more than one request in them
• He plays wonderfully by himself
• He likes to invent things
• He is very creative
• He can entertain himself, until he needs to reach something high up
• He can feed himself
• He, for the most part, is out of diapers (pull-ups are still in play)
• He is able to show his love (hugs, kisses, saying "I love you")
• He tells wonderful stories
• He is funny

Things I do not like about this age:

• He likes to do things "by himself"
• He can follow commands with more than one request in them but, often "chooses" not to
• He gets more time outs 
• He can be creative which, leads to bigger messes
• He likes the word, "no"
• He likes the words, "no way"
• He often has to be asked to do things more than once
• He doesn't like to eat
• He doesn't like to sit at the table at meal times
• He doesn't like naps
• He doesn't like taking showers
• He doesn't like going to bed
• He often wants to do the opposite of what you want to do
• He often refuses to use the potty
• He likes that stupid word, "no"

So, terrible twos? I don't think so! I hope this age will, indeed, not be so terrible. I have heard people refer to it as the "terrific twos". Maybe I should make my saying the "terrific threes"? It doesn't have such a nice ring to it though. Oh well.
Kaine is still great. He is "the love that I never thought I could give". Which is no small compliment. He has made me a better person. He has also made me a better wife. And, although Matt and I don't always see eye-to-eye when raising him, we are better for having him. We are all closer because Kaine exists! That is the biggest blessing he has brought into our lives. 

Miscarriage

At ten weeks even, I started to spot. Nothing, at all, major. It was this little, slight, questionably faint, pink streak. I had been feeling rather period-y all week. My exact quote to Matt was, "If I didn't know any better, I would think that I am about to have a period". Well...if you ever feel like that when pregnant, it may not be a good thing. Surprisingly, I am not all that shocked that this has happened. I did have a good cry about it (when something else set me off). I haven't exactly felt "right" about this pregnancy from the beginning. I felt like it was "off". I don't know why. Except, maybe I do now? I don't know. So, this isn't really going to be a sad tale, per se.

Saturday morning brought more blood. I showed Matt on the toilet paper that I had just used. It was like the beginning of a period; you can feel it coming so you rush to the bathroom. It didn't get worse all day. I was on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. I took some tinctures to help stop a miscarriage but, it didn't seem to help with the bleeding much. The cramps went away. We thought that we were going to be able to save this pregnancy after all.

Sunday was Easter. I put off going to my Mom's or telling her anything about us traveling until I was certain the bleeding wasn't any worse. Which it wasn't. The blood was the same consistency and was even getting a little bit darker. I tried to stay off my feet the whole day and still enjoy myself.

Monday brought little change. Although I could tell the cramps and back discomfort I am prone to was a little worse. I just attributed this to Kaine taking up almost ALL of the space on my side of the bed the night before. I was able to talk to some midwives at the Birth Center. Sarah and I had a long conversation on the phone that morning. She said that they don't usually take people this late and because I would be considered VBAC I would still have to find another provider. But she was, in the end, willing to offer initial prenatal visits until I found a provider, which was nice. She said that it could be many things. All of which made sense. She said that I could have a low-lying placenta which was causing the bleeding but, not to worry, they usually travel upwards by twenty weeks. Research confirmed this. Another suggestion was a vitamin deficiency and, if you have been following this for a while, you would know that my body has issues with vitamin b-12 and D. So, I thought, for sure that this is what I was experiencing. I up'd my vitamin intake accordingly and through Sarah's suggestion. She also stated that if this was a miscarriage, I would soon know. Things would progressively get worse until "the contents of my uterus were emptied". (Don't worry, she prefaced this with, "I know this is hard to hear".)

Monday night. Things were not getting better. Cramps were more regular and there was more blood. I would say, by now, I was in a state of "this is happening, let's get it over with". (I know that sounds cold but, I knew with the first red blood that there was nothing that could be done. Anything I could have done, I was doing.) Things went smoothly and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Tuesday morning brought what I knew to be true. Blood clots or tissue. At this stage the baby usually looks like a little being. However, and fortunately, it was nothing like that. It was just clot like tissue, clearly indicating that nothing was there. It gave me peace to know that it was happening for a reason and not for something that could have been helped. I am in a good place and know that this was something that was meant to teach me faith. I had great faith through out this ordeal. I knew God was not abandoning me. Yes, it was something that I didn't want. Yes, it was something that was sad. I am just glad it didn't go any farther. I think, honestly, that I wasn't yet attached to the idea of being pregnant but, I was getting used to it. This helped to guard my feelings and to help me deal with the loss. I hope I don't sound cold or unfeeling because, it was/is sad. I just don't want to dwell on it. I want to move on.

Thanks for all of the support through out this whole journey to pregnancy. We have decided to not try again. At least, for a while. I just can't take anymore disappointment. There have been too many months in a row that just haven't worked out. I need some time to wrap my head around this situation and deal with other life issues. So, babies, hopefully, are still in my future, just not in the near future.